Alli: my journey to thin

June 30, 2007

   Well, since I’m quite incapable of crossing a street without my peers pressuring me into it I came to try this little miracle pill later than most.  Meaning I wasn’t fighting off shamu and Dumbo the first night it was released.  I have to say though that it has made an incredible difference in my life, and I would love to share it with you.

Day 1.  I haven’t started taking it yet.  Instead I’m exercising like I’m training for the boston marathon.  I’ve already lost three pounds, but I’m not sure vomiting at the top of the hill I ran up counts.

Day2.  More exercise….more hurling.  I’ve changed my diet, cutting out the fatty foods, or rather limiting them to what is allowed in the recommended diet.   One cheese curl is harder than you think.  i’ve now lost five pounds

Day3.  I took the pill today.  I’ve gone through 4 sets of bottoms.  It was wise to buy a black T-shirt.  It goes with everything.  I have continued running and dancing and eating veggies. continuing to lose weight.

Day 4.  I’m now out of laundry.  I can’t get to the store because I have no pants, and the sight of my naked ass would definitely be considered lewd and indecent behaviour.  I also can’t run except to the bathroom.  No weight loss to report.

Day5.  The clothes issue has been resolved thanks to  my female boss who is going to fire me if I don’t get my pants shitting ass back to work.  The pantishields don’t bother me, but  the tampon lodged in my colon is going to be an issue.

Day6.  The tampon trick doesn’t work.  When it finally failed I shot it through the seam of a pair of blue jeans, the cubicle partition, and the plate glass window in her royal highnesses office.  She was not amused.  I have been terminated, and the cost of cleaning the oily rectal residue from the office will be remitted from my final check.  In an attempt to mitigate my despair I ate 7 double cheeseburgers and a quart of chocolate Haagen Daz.  Needless to say the technicolor explosion was a ghastly chore to clean up.  I can however now claim that all my undergarments are tie-dyed.  I gained back the weight I had lost, and now that I’m jobless I can’t afford anymore Alli.  Fortunately, I also can not afford food so I will get thin, just like the pharmaceutical folks claim

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for the record

June 30, 2007

  13 years of the finest schoolin west central wisconsin had to offer, plus the tender ministrations of four of the more pathetic institutions of higher learning blessing this great country were unable to instill in me any interest in sentence structure, grammar, punctuation, or the proper use of a preposition.  What is it stumbling around in the egotistical matrix that is your cranium that leads you to believe  you can?


I Keep saying it

June 30, 2007

 1.  Finally they listen  It’s about time the terrorists went after the Scots.  Everyone knows its those kilt wearing bastards  that are making life unbearable for Islamist’s everywhere.  (If you don’t know yet two asswits drove a flaming car into the Glasgow Airport)

2.  I would gladly take my uber foot and stick it up the uber ass of the next uber nitwit that decides its uber cool to use the word uber in their blog.

3.  I am not garrulous, acerbic, irascible, curmudgeonly, ornery, malicious, nor nefarious.  I’m just a garden variety asshole trying to make my way in a world full of people that use to many big words.

4.  Anything you use to excess will kill you.  Just not as rapidly as you might like.

5.  Dancing is a tactic used by men that can’t talk their way into a girls pants.

6.  The best way to start an argument with your spouse/mate/significant other is to respond to something they say with the words “I don’t want to argue.”

7.  If water had an alcohol content somewhere in the mid teens it would be far more palatable.

8.  “yes dear” and “whatever you say dear” are the only two phrases a man needs to know to have a happy relationship.  Teach him “no dear” and watch the shit hit the fan. 

note: “you’re right, I’m wrong, I love you” would have been included in this post, but I’ve yet to meet the man that can say it without smirking.

10.  Society would be a much kinder and gentler thing if punching someone in the mouth wasn’t against the law.


saturday morning

June 30, 2007

   I’m not sure why this is happening, but my sidebar is down at the bottom of my blog.  I’ve practiced insanity (doing the same thing and expecting a different result) for 20 minutes.  I can’t seem to fix it so if you wish to peruse the scatalogical drivel normally maintained to the right you shall have to scroll baby scroll.

    I was watching a thing about fireworks on the news.  They cover several important things, but a few dangerous ones they left out I think deserve comment.:

1.  Do not have roman candle fights with people wearing polyester.  Incredibly enough, those little balls of flame are hot enough to cause a polyester shirt to burst….i mean burst…into flame.

2.  Vehiclular bottle rocket jousting is also a no-no.  This is where you drive cars at each other and shoot bottle rockets at each other.  pretty easy to see the possible ramifications of this sort of venture.

3.   Even if you do have the patience of Job, I strongly recommend against cutting firecrackers open and making one huge bomb out of them.  Besides, the innards of a shotgun shell work just as well in this endeavor, and is a lot quicker.

note:  to the gnome that just catalogued this post because of the word bomb…I’m not a terrorist.  I did that when I was 9.  I’ll gladly pay for the tree, but the neighbors broken windows are their problem.  Shouldn’t buy cheap glass.

4. fireworks and alcohol may not mix, but if you mix alxohol INTO your fireworks…

   happy fourth.

  so the brits are having some issues with automobiles.  Today a burning car was driven into the terminal at glasgow airport.  I’ve been telling people for years that cars are the great satan.  How much easier would life be if the fuckers had to attack us with camel bombs?

Ok, I’m now going to the grocery store, where I will pinch, prod, poke, nudge, bump, fondle, and grope my way through the produce section.  After that I may check some fruit.


Eight Freaking Things…the revenge

June 30, 2007

 I think I got the title right.  I don’t know how to do all that link nonsense so the buck stops here so to speak…do I die the death of a thousand rhino stomps for that?

1.  Rob Christian Bookstores.  You might still get shot, but your victims will forgive you.

2.  Everything in life is black and white…gray is for wimps.

3. though you can’t fit your finger down the barrel of a .357, when its aimed at your head you’d swear you could walk down the barrel.

4.  I’ have a 33 inch waist, am 44,  and would happily switch the two numbers.

5.    when you’re young foreplay takes hours, and sex takes minutes.  when you’re old sex takes minutes and foreplay is thought to be a golf term

6.   I would rather crawl naked across razor blades covered in turpentine than eat tofu

7.   each of my exes is a little better than the last.  At current rate of progression I shall meet my perfect mate when I am 6,347 years old.

8.   I’m hopeful that my fourth lobotomy will work out better than the first three.


on writing

June 30, 2007

I once told a room full of writers that what they did was no big deal. I know several three year olds that can write, I continued, and you don’t hear them bragging about it. Thats a reality. Almost everyone can write. The trick is to write something that people wish to read. Or if you suffer from delusions of grandeur write something that will be considered a classic. That I’m sure would be enough for any writer, but to me the apex is to change the way a society sees itself with what you write.

I once had far more time on my hands than anyone ought to have, and spent much of it perusing volume after unmitigatedly pretentious volume of the great works of western civilization. I will grant you that many of them contained knowledge that no intellectual should be without. They covered Newton, and Kant, Shakespeare, and Twain. From Socrates to Descartes, and so on ad damn near infinitum. I are not an intellectual, and while I know some things about a lot of things, many of these volumes went the way of 9th grade french.

My point. I’m sure I have one. Give me a sec. If you’re a young reader this is where I normally post the warning against marijuana use. Oh yes. Writing. The reason I mention the great works is that so many are missing. I’m sorry, but a few scholarly types at Mercer University shouldn’t get to decide what is great, and what is not. You might be great, but I’m betting the good folks at Mercer have never heard of you. They say Hemingway is great, and while I agree Hemingway wrote great things; I must also point out that he wrote some real crap.

I’m not a great writer. I have read some though. I have a favorites list 12 miles long and expanding on a nearly daily basis. What I think All my favorites have in common is they have the ability to reach inside themselves, and put down on paper that which is only known by their soul. I can give oodles of examples, but the only one I wish to point out at this time is Harlan Ellison.

Ellison was once read on virtually every college campus in America. Now he’s probably known more for having his name at the end of the Star Trek credits. Harlan is not a classic writer. His sentence structure is worse than mine, (god forbid), and his casual acquaintance with the theory of punctuation can be maddening as hell. What he does do well though is feel. He has more anger in his little finger than most people have in their extended family, and it rolls across the paper in great crashing waves of chaotic vitriol. Reading his stories is like stepping into quicksand, and the life or death struggle to climb back out again. I have caught myself literally not breathing as I read, and come to the end with my lungs gasping for air. I have sat and considered what I read for longer than it took to read, and still found myself troubled to the very core of my cynical, misanthropic being. That is a great work.

My point is don’t over-think everything. Sometimes if you just open up the closet full of skeletons that is the soul you will find a treasure trove of beauty, rage, love, hate, angst, and all the other wonderful things that make up a great story.

But what the hell do i know. Keep writing. Luck is probably a factor, too.

another post that was lost in a purge…its funny where you find these things laying around the net


on the street in london/Chicago

June 30, 2007

    In London today, German luxury sedan maker Mercedes is getting a lot of free publicity.  Here’s some thougts about the whole attempted bombing issue that i htink should be thunk.

1.  Those pesky little funloving terrorists.  They parked one next to a joint that was having ladies night.

2.  The new job.  so PM Gordon Brown, what do you think of Tony’s old chair so far.

3.  there are 160 closed circuit camera’s in the haymarket/ picadilly circus area.  We worry about the patriot act.

4.  If Ron Paul were president, how would he handle this type of an event?

5.  What about Hillary Clinton?

6.  Say it was in Chicago?  What then?

7.  Are we sure George Bush isn’t responsible for it not being in Chicago?

8.   If its Arab terrorists, whats the message?  I’m betting it’s not we want light beer.  I’d bet it’s get out of the middle east Mr. Brown.

9.  Does this look professional?  Two bombs, made of fuel, propane and nails.  One picked up by a tow truck, and the other smoking on the street?  someone didn’t read the internet directions for making a fuel bomb.

10.  Would you still want to overturn the Patriot Act if you knew that one of these would explode on an American street each year?

11.  does this change your stance on Illegal immigration?  Would it be better to make them legal and identified?

I don’t think so.   I think the ones that one to blow up a bomb will try anyway.

12.   what do you think Tony Blair’s reaction was?  “god, I’m glad I quit that shitty job.

13.  The people in Spain remember politics by explosion.

14.   Are you envious of the Chinese who are confiscating all muslim visa’s in a northern district to prevent the Muslims from attending the Haj? 

15. Would you accept that being done to muslims here? Restrict there travel, put them on watch lists, etc?

note: We are currently concluding the deadliest quarter for American troops since the war began.  Is that helping keep terrorists away?