Alli: my journey to thin

   Well, since I’m quite incapable of crossing a street without my peers pressuring me into it I came to try this little miracle pill later than most.  Meaning I wasn’t fighting off shamu and Dumbo the first night it was released.  I have to say though that it has made an incredible difference in my life, and I would love to share it with you.

Day 1.  I haven’t started taking it yet.  Instead I’m exercising like I’m training for the boston marathon.  I’ve already lost three pounds, but I’m not sure vomiting at the top of the hill I ran up counts.

Day2.  More exercise….more hurling.  I’ve changed my diet, cutting out the fatty foods, or rather limiting them to what is allowed in the recommended diet.   One cheese curl is harder than you think.  i’ve now lost five pounds

Day3.  I took the pill today.  I’ve gone through 4 sets of bottoms.  It was wise to buy a black T-shirt.  It goes with everything.  I have continued running and dancing and eating veggies. continuing to lose weight.

Day 4.  I’m now out of laundry.  I can’t get to the store because I have no pants, and the sight of my naked ass would definitely be considered lewd and indecent behaviour.  I also can’t run except to the bathroom.  No weight loss to report.

Day5.  The clothes issue has been resolved thanks to  my female boss who is going to fire me if I don’t get my pants shitting ass back to work.  The pantishields don’t bother me, but  the tampon lodged in my colon is going to be an issue.

Day6.  The tampon trick doesn’t work.  When it finally failed I shot it through the seam of a pair of blue jeans, the cubicle partition, and the plate glass window in her royal highnesses office.  She was not amused.  I have been terminated, and the cost of cleaning the oily rectal residue from the office will be remitted from my final check.  In an attempt to mitigate my despair I ate 7 double cheeseburgers and a quart of chocolate Haagen Daz.  Needless to say the technicolor explosion was a ghastly chore to clean up.  I can however now claim that all my undergarments are tie-dyed.  I gained back the weight I had lost, and now that I’m jobless I can’t afford anymore Alli.  Fortunately, I also can not afford food so I will get thin, just like the pharmaceutical folks claim

for the record

  13 years of the finest schoolin west central wisconsin had to offer, plus the tender ministrations of four of the more pathetic institutions of higher learning blessing this great country were unable to instill in me any interest in sentence structure, grammar, punctuation, or the proper use of a preposition.  What is it stumbling around in the egotistical matrix that is your cranium that leads you to believe  you can?

I Keep saying it

 1.  Finally they listen  It’s about time the terrorists went after the Scots.  Everyone knows its those kilt wearing bastards  that are making life unbearable for Islamist’s everywhere.  (If you don’t know yet two asswits drove a flaming car into the Glasgow Airport)

2.  I would gladly take my uber foot and stick it up the uber ass of the next uber nitwit that decides its uber cool to use the word uber in their blog.

3.  I am not garrulous, acerbic, irascible, curmudgeonly, ornery, malicious, nor nefarious.  I’m just a garden variety asshole trying to make my way in a world full of people that use to many big words.

4.  Anything you use to excess will kill you.  Just not as rapidly as you might like.

5.  Dancing is a tactic used by men that can’t talk their way into a girls pants.

6.  The best way to start an argument with your spouse/mate/significant other is to respond to something they say with the words “I don’t want to argue.”

7.  If water had an alcohol content somewhere in the mid teens it would be far more palatable.

8.  “yes dear” and “whatever you say dear” are the only two phrases a man needs to know to have a happy relationship.  Teach him “no dear” and watch the shit hit the fan. 

note: “you’re right, I’m wrong, I love you” would have been included in this post, but I’ve yet to meet the man that can say it without smirking.

10.  Society would be a much kinder and gentler thing if punching someone in the mouth wasn’t against the law.

saturday morning

   I’m not sure why this is happening, but my sidebar is down at the bottom of my blog.  I’ve practiced insanity (doing the same thing and expecting a different result) for 20 minutes.  I can’t seem to fix it so if you wish to peruse the scatalogical drivel normally maintained to the right you shall have to scroll baby scroll.

    I was watching a thing about fireworks on the news.  They cover several important things, but a few dangerous ones they left out I think deserve comment.:

1.  Do not have roman candle fights with people wearing polyester.  Incredibly enough, those little balls of flame are hot enough to cause a polyester shirt to burst….i mean burst…into flame.

2.  Vehiclular bottle rocket jousting is also a no-no.  This is where you drive cars at each other and shoot bottle rockets at each other.  pretty easy to see the possible ramifications of this sort of venture.

3.   Even if you do have the patience of Job, I strongly recommend against cutting firecrackers open and making one huge bomb out of them.  Besides, the innards of a shotgun shell work just as well in this endeavor, and is a lot quicker.

note:  to the gnome that just catalogued this post because of the word bomb…I’m not a terrorist.  I did that when I was 9.  I’ll gladly pay for the tree, but the neighbors broken windows are their problem.  Shouldn’t buy cheap glass.

4. fireworks and alcohol may not mix, but if you mix alxohol INTO your fireworks…

   happy fourth.

  so the brits are having some issues with automobiles.  Today a burning car was driven into the terminal at glasgow airport.  I’ve been telling people for years that cars are the great satan.  How much easier would life be if the fuckers had to attack us with camel bombs?

Ok, I’m now going to the grocery store, where I will pinch, prod, poke, nudge, bump, fondle, and grope my way through the produce section.  After that I may check some fruit.

Eight Freaking Things…the revenge

 I think I got the title right.  I don’t know how to do all that link nonsense so the buck stops here so to speak…do I die the death of a thousand rhino stomps for that?

1.  Rob Christian Bookstores.  You might still get shot, but your victims will forgive you.

2.  Everything in life is black and white…gray is for wimps.

3. though you can’t fit your finger down the barrel of a .357, when its aimed at your head you’d swear you could walk down the barrel.

4.  I’ have a 33 inch waist, am 44,  and would happily switch the two numbers.

5.    when you’re young foreplay takes hours, and sex takes minutes.  when you’re old sex takes minutes and foreplay is thought to be a golf term

6.   I would rather crawl naked across razor blades covered in turpentine than eat tofu

7.   each of my exes is a little better than the last.  At current rate of progression I shall meet my perfect mate when I am 6,347 years old.

8.   I’m hopeful that my fourth lobotomy will work out better than the first three.

on writing

I once told a room full of writers that what they did was no big deal. I know several three year olds that can write, I continued, and you don’t hear them bragging about it. Thats a reality. Almost everyone can write. The trick is to write something that people wish to read. Or if you suffer from delusions of grandeur write something that will be considered a classic. That I’m sure would be enough for any writer, but to me the apex is to change the way a society sees itself with what you write.

I once had far more time on my hands than anyone ought to have, and spent much of it perusing volume after unmitigatedly pretentious volume of the great works of western civilization. I will grant you that many of them contained knowledge that no intellectual should be without. They covered Newton, and Kant, Shakespeare, and Twain. From Socrates to Descartes, and so on ad damn near infinitum. I are not an intellectual, and while I know some things about a lot of things, many of these volumes went the way of 9th grade french.

My point. I’m sure I have one. Give me a sec. If you’re a young reader this is where I normally post the warning against marijuana use. Oh yes. Writing. The reason I mention the great works is that so many are missing. I’m sorry, but a few scholarly types at Mercer University shouldn’t get to decide what is great, and what is not. You might be great, but I’m betting the good folks at Mercer have never heard of you. They say Hemingway is great, and while I agree Hemingway wrote great things; I must also point out that he wrote some real crap.

I’m not a great writer. I have read some though. I have a favorites list 12 miles long and expanding on a nearly daily basis. What I think All my favorites have in common is they have the ability to reach inside themselves, and put down on paper that which is only known by their soul. I can give oodles of examples, but the only one I wish to point out at this time is Harlan Ellison.

Ellison was once read on virtually every college campus in America. Now he’s probably known more for having his name at the end of the Star Trek credits. Harlan is not a classic writer. His sentence structure is worse than mine, (god forbid), and his casual acquaintance with the theory of punctuation can be maddening as hell. What he does do well though is feel. He has more anger in his little finger than most people have in their extended family, and it rolls across the paper in great crashing waves of chaotic vitriol. Reading his stories is like stepping into quicksand, and the life or death struggle to climb back out again. I have caught myself literally not breathing as I read, and come to the end with my lungs gasping for air. I have sat and considered what I read for longer than it took to read, and still found myself troubled to the very core of my cynical, misanthropic being. That is a great work.

My point is don’t over-think everything. Sometimes if you just open up the closet full of skeletons that is the soul you will find a treasure trove of beauty, rage, love, hate, angst, and all the other wonderful things that make up a great story.

But what the hell do i know. Keep writing. Luck is probably a factor, too.

another post that was lost in a purge…its funny where you find these things laying around the net

on the street in london/Chicago

    In London today, German luxury sedan maker Mercedes is getting a lot of free publicity.  Here’s some thougts about the whole attempted bombing issue that i htink should be thunk.

1.  Those pesky little funloving terrorists.  They parked one next to a joint that was having ladies night.

2.  The new job.  so PM Gordon Brown, what do you think of Tony’s old chair so far.

3.  there are 160 closed circuit camera’s in the haymarket/ picadilly circus area.  We worry about the patriot act.

4.  If Ron Paul were president, how would he handle this type of an event?

5.  What about Hillary Clinton?

6.  Say it was in Chicago?  What then?

7.  Are we sure George Bush isn’t responsible for it not being in Chicago?

8.   If its Arab terrorists, whats the message?  I’m betting it’s not we want light beer.  I’d bet it’s get out of the middle east Mr. Brown.

9.  Does this look professional?  Two bombs, made of fuel, propane and nails.  One picked up by a tow truck, and the other smoking on the street?  someone didn’t read the internet directions for making a fuel bomb.

10.  Would you still want to overturn the Patriot Act if you knew that one of these would explode on an American street each year?

11.  does this change your stance on Illegal immigration?  Would it be better to make them legal and identified?

I don’t think so.   I think the ones that one to blow up a bomb will try anyway.

12.   what do you think Tony Blair’s reaction was?  “god, I’m glad I quit that shitty job.

13.  The people in Spain remember politics by explosion.

14.   Are you envious of the Chinese who are confiscating all muslim visa’s in a northern district to prevent the Muslims from attending the Haj? 

15. Would you accept that being done to muslims here? Restrict there travel, put them on watch lists, etc?

note: We are currently concluding the deadliest quarter for American troops since the war began.  Is that helping keep terrorists away?

Has this happened to you?

   Nothing like  a friday at work.  It wasn’t excruciatingly hot, but it was moist.  Humid.  Go through 5 uniforms in an 8 hour day, wretchedly, odiferously, muggy.  It was also not to bad. I pulled off the perfect balance of renumeration/output, and managed to stir the proverbial pot.  There are few accomplishments quite as satisfying as ruining a day or three, and never letting on that you know what you’re doing.

    I’ll try and get you up to speed as briefly as possible.  We have an organizational structure that through the basic malady of promoting good workers as compared to good thinkers, and those good workers thinking they are good analyzers and planners, is incredilby top heavy. Each manager seems to have three asst. managers; each of them in charge of their own little corner of the aforementioned managers fiefdom.  I for instance have 4 managers that my burgeoning section reports through.  By burgeonig I mean me,  Until tomorrow.  when it will be me and my hireling. Bet I can talk them into making me the manager of my unit of 2.

    Anyway, all these managers of course believe that they will inevitably fill the only seat any of them feel is truly worthy of  their managerial talents; plant manager.  In order to become that, several of them would need divine intervention, and the others would all have to be perfect in their position.  That exalted chair is coming open soon, so the level of infighting, and territorial behaviour has become rampant.

   This is where yours truly steps in, cape flying in the breeze.  Keep In mind now, if work were a totem pole, I would be the fat little indian squatting at the bottom with a scowl on my face.  It’s a good place to be.  I have this project to start on monday.  i put the order in for whats needed to complete the first phase about 2 weeks ago.   Being aware that my manager was going to be on vacation I was exceedingly careful to ensure everything about this order was correct.  I then without them understanding that it was what I was doing managed to escort it through each phase of the order process.  first through one asst, then onto another assistant, and then even maaged to hang out while whatever the head guys title is.  i don’t even know  I have a shipping receiving manager, a purchasing manager, a scheduling supervisor, and a manager.  Then this guy.  Above manager.  Anyway, the above manager is a cranky sort, but i manage to engage his “excellence in brevity award winning” ass in conversation long enough for me to verify that the order made it out of our department exactly as I had written it.  He said something like “you may  leave the chambers of my exalted being at this time” as he hit the send key, and I wandered out knowing that once again the criminy factor had ensured a successful mission.

   It had, too.  up to the point it left my control.  I could possibly have rushed over to the next bosses office, but it was down a flight of stairs and into a second building, and I was winded.  You try to run between two buildings faster than a quarter of a MB of data can blip between 2 computers.  Granted they are not exactly experts with these funny little desktop tormenters, but I had managed it twice, and I really couldn’t come up with a reason to go by the third from the top bwana in the companies office, and wasn’t in the mood to rub someones feet while he was fed grapes by a concubine.

   He would ostensibly do his job to perfection, which was to read it, and click a couple of buttons and send it to purchasing.  Where of course it would be received by the relic that does that job; a fanatic for action novels, and capable of doing exemplary work while reading one.  Just ask him.

    My order arrived today.  It was close to right.  only wrong at a ratio of 4 to 1.  I took the P.O. to the above manager.  He grumbled, complained, bitched, and moaned, all under his breath and indistiguishable.  I stood quietly.  It’s best to stand quietly while great minds with pissy demeanors are ruminating.  I learned that back when I was one.

His input to the crisis was “go tell the purchasing manager to find out who $W^%$%& this up, and tell him to (redacted).”

Sure, no sweat.  I meandered over to there.  It was approaching lunch time, and my union meander was vsinglorious.  Arriving at this stellar leaders office, I was informed that it was Friday, and there was no way he could fix this in time to start the project.  I translated that to.  It’s friday, and I will flat be screwed up the anal orifice by a yak bfofre I will do one damn thing today.  He concluded that it was the shipping and receiving chiefs problem  He didn’t consult the usual 12 manuals to determine this. He knew he wasn’t doing shit today instinctually.  Thats good decision making right there.

   So I now toted my pathetic looking, droopy P.O. over to the shipping department.  It was heavy.  I slowed down.  it was still sweaty, but I was pushing lunch back farther and farther, which would make for a short afternoon.  It would also make the hoop that they had to jump through that much smaller to get my items here by monday.  My nefarious plot thickens. (twirls moustache)

    On the way there I ran into the goomba that I just didn’t have the stamina to run down and babysit on the day I placed my order.  I told him what was up, and he said if I couldn’t get it fixed bring it to him.  Chest was puffing out, and his head was trying to burst, but it set the stage, so I didn’t make any snide comments like…”yeah, getting it to you was a big help last time you reject from the idjit bin.”  I arrived at the shipping office.  here I was told, “you know, this isn’t really my purview.  Not my bailiwick.  Not my area of expertise.  you know its friday?  You’ll never get this by monday.”  For a record of what goes next read two paragraphs up.

   about here our heroes patience dries up.  I wander over to the one above the above managers office, and say.  “Ok, get this stuff.”  Now he and the one above the manager are in a turf war.  what I have just done is committed advancement suicide.  fortunately i want to advance like I want a wife.  Not so much.  I like what I’m doing, and don’t spend a lot, so I’m good.  which is a horrible situation for any company.  To Have an employee thats satisfied.  You just can’t get any leverage on me.  I can step out of line whenever I want, and about all you can do to me is fire me… Oh wait, union…not likely.

    the above the above manager smiles like the cat that ate the bird, and dismissed me imperiously from his presence.  He expressed the usual “I’ll get right on this” banality, and I scooched off to lunch.  At a decidedly laconic pace.  This is where the slow stroll came into play.  The above manager is off his ritalyn and can’t sit still.  I knew if I took my time we’d cross paths.  We did.  He asked me if it was taken care of.  I gave him that how the fuck would I know look, and he said “tell me.”  God i hate quotation marks.  Anyway I explained how I took care of the problem complete with proper ommissions of the dumbshit friday comments.  when I got to “so i gave it to the above the above manager”.  Watching the expression change from intensity to ice cold hatred was better than a no- rerun episode of The Family Guy.  You took it to who?  (insert ten minutes of vociferously rendered, incredibly unprofessional public ass chewing here that ends with the words “well, why didn’t you bring it to me?”    In an incredibly quiet and unperturbed manner the man who had just been reamed so dastardly and memorably While tuning him out and visualizing the hand stroking up and down motion in his mind replied “I did bring it to you. First. You said….”  I paused imperceptibally to give him time to interject “I KNOW WHAT I SAID.” Whereupon he stormed off to the one above the managers office.  The walls are thick, so I couldn’t here, but he stormed out exactly four minutes later with spittle flying and my P.O. clutched tightly in his about to have a coronary hands.

    I didn’t see the aftermath.  I did get my stuff five minutes before close.  The above manager wrote up  the shipping manager, the purchasing manager, and three heavy 3 heavy equipment  mechanics that did not bow and scrape quickly enough while he was pissed off.  I found the time to run into him again a couple of hours later (I can always find time when I’m on the clock) .  I apologized  in that same meek voice, and was informed that It had nothing to do with me.  I was trying to accomplish my “mission.”  Oh, I accomplished my mission.  I got entertained all afternoon, and I’m thinking probably made a couple of new fans. 

Bills Ron Paul is sponsoring

   Here my dear readers you shall find a complete list of the bills The blog messiah Ron Paul is sponsoring in the house of representatives.  It’s not exactly full of surprises, but some of it is a little off the beaten libertarian track.  I would have to say that it primarily sticks to his small government agenda, but i question the social security one, and a couple of others are borderline.  Social security is near and dear to me mind since they already have my simoleans, butit looks like he wants to spend more money on it.  Shouldn’t he object to this sort of thing?  Wouldn’t it be a state responsibility? 

http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/bdquery

stumbling off toward armageddon

   Ted would be proud.  i used a biblicalish word.  This kind of ties in with all the posts I’ve written about alli and health, ron paul and insanity….er….states rights and why he won’t happen, and my occassional semi-dull normal discourses on politcs and history.  Ok, it probably won’t by the time I’m done here, but at least I pulled a good lie off in the first sentence.  Thats good writing.

    I’m not sure if its historically all that accurate, but I believe the funny little guys that talk to themselves and have incredibly boring symposiums have named a whole crap load of ages.  The bronze age, the iron age, the latex age(sextoys we’re perfected here…good stuff) and so on.  the only three I’m concerned with are the last three, which I’ve taken the liberty of naming quite creatively the transportation age, the communication age, and the information age.  Now these all overlap and there is quite possibly no scientific way of stating that these are even real ages.  It’s possible they all are, and someone else named them all way before me.  It’s not plagiarizing because I haven’t read anything heavier than Calvin and Hobbes in about three decades.  I just have to have names so I can whip out my conspiracy theory on how man in general has conspired to destroy everything, and how much fun I think its going to be.

authors note:  i”m not generally a conspiracy theorist.  In order to have a conspiracy you have to have a meeting of the minds between two or more individuals, and I’ve always been a little more than sceptical that you can randomly select two people that even have intellect.

    So anyway, sometime back around the stone age the automobile was invented  ( I don’t have a link.  Watch the damn flintstones if you don’t believe me). Tiring of using manpower, and beasts of burden to mobilize our conveyances some dude came up with the internal combustion engine. ( Oh shut the hell up…i know I skipped several stages.  I’m trying to keep this short and if you haven’t caught on yet I’m not exactly planning to seek peer review on this treatise). 

Ok, yaddayaddayadda, and so on and so forth and we get massive pollution from all these gas guzzling monstrosities used to transport one tiny not really all that necessary piece of human excrement hither and yon.  i’m back on track, lets go with it.  So we got pollution, and we got rich folks who are making a gazoodle of money off destroying the atmosphere.  I’m not really getting into a global warming thing here so if you turned off your favorite ultraliberal rant blog to read this take your al gore hugging ass back where you came from.  Pollution, bad air…lets move on to communication.

    this ones tougher because to give it any real play you have to cover such well known inventors and sodomites as al bell, sam morse etc.  I’m not going to.  I’m just going to point out  the end result.  We can criss cross the globe with our voices in nanoseconds linking anyone to anyone else quicker than a catholic nymphomaniac nun gets an orgasm from playing with her crucifix (woohoo….insulted the catholics…crosses it off my list).  Now we all know each other and aren’t we a great big full of shit happy new world order. We got black berries and cellphones and pagers are already outdated, and tom tom’s (i dated suesue….not bad, but she kept telling me where to turn).  shooot tomtom’s come next.  I’m not moving it.

    Bring on the information age.  little cards that dump everything we do into massive computers in the basement of the state department.  New technology that can rape every bit of info off the pictures we store online.  Virtual reality becoming so real I can masturbate without touching myself.  (I’d put another woohoo here, but I kind of enjoy the physical intimacy I bring to the table).

   So, we now have an environment fast becoming so intolerable that we are only going to  be able to spend moments a day outside without proper protection.  By that I mean big reflective space man suits.  A trip to the market will cause melanoma.  Communication devices that can send almost any type of information we want anywhere, and information devices so complex and complete that we can take a trip to the Great wall of china without ever leaving the living room.

We’ve decided to destroy everything so we have a reason to stay home. so that we don’t have to interact.   Well, not all of us.  i think its all a right wing conspiracy. 

We’re much easier to control if we can’t be outside, and in order to keep us in we need the means to communicate, and information to entertain. Virtual reality will replace the family vacation, and the blow up rubber love doll i have in the…..er well, it will be replaced by some 12million gigabyte hobag that would make a phillipino hooker blush.

Fucking republicans.  Anything to keep us from screwing.

the link to the story about the photgraph comment.  I find this perilously close to corporations overstepping their bounds, but I’m not all that fond of you tube either…thanks for the link amuirin.

I’m not sure what any of the above says.  i gotta stop chasing my tequila with vicodin

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/129