I was watching CNN

    I know, I know.  This proves something is obviously wrong with me.  I was watching FOX, but got tired of them crowing about Anjelina Jolie banning them from her movie debut (the movie has something to do with freedom of the press), that I turned to watch my boy Lou Dobbs get bent out of shape about immigration reform.  Anyway…here are a few tidbits gleaned from these august news organizations.

Did you know that when people get really sick elsewhere in the world they come here because our medical technology is just plain better?  That our patient care is actually not bad?  I didn’t know.  From everything I’ve been hearing I shouldn’t go to our hospitals.  I’m liable to have my spleen ripped out and sewed to my scrotum to treat me for a hangnail.

Michael Bloomberg’s voting registration has been changed from Republican to unaffiliated?  Maybe Ron Paul for vice president?  For those of you don’t know, mr. bloomberg is a billionaire…he can finance his own campaign.

I’m not sure where its at, but Bill and Hillary Clinton have a little you tube type video spoofing the soprano’s…check her campaign website.

Ron Paul has paid his daughter over 160,000 dollars to work on his campaign over three election cycles.  He hasn’t done anything wrong; (its unlawful to hire them to work on your congressional staff, but you can hire family members to work on your campaign), but when you’re trying to be mr do everything right….isn’t this a little unseemly?

the immigration reform mess keeps getting worse.  Lou Dobbs is almost purple.  It seems corporate america is having seminars explaining how to avoid hiring American workers and hiring immigrants instead.

along those lines…good luck getting your passport renewed.  Seems that citibank and the state department can’t keep up and are running about 1.5 million behind.  Its ok…you didn’t really want to see tuscany anyway….the pizza and wine are atrocious.

Things I know nothing about

     I know.   You’re thinking I could just type the word everything, and it would be hard to dispute.  This may be true, but in keeping with my policy of trying to never make any real contribution to the human race, I think it best if I elaborate a little.  It will take more time, and will therefore ensure that I accomplish nothing worthwhile for a longer period of time.

women:  surprised?  I don’t know anything about them because I make no effort to distinguish between genders when it comes to how I view my fellow man.  I’ve heard all the reports about how womens brains work differently, and I confess I find that fasscinating.  Not fascinating enough to put down my Pabst or my crossword puzzle, but fascinating.  As far as opinion goes, and I don’t claim this to be knowledge, I find them to spend entirely to much time thinking with their vaginas, always needing help carrying heavy things, and all around poor conversationalists unless you talk about what they wish to talk about.  They are also fun to look at, and from what I hear are necessary for the procreation of the specoes.  Hopefully science can make that last one untrue in the near future.

wine:  Ah yes, the fruit of the grape.  Who cares.   Overrated.  When I want a drink I don’t wish to “let it breathe”.  I also prefer that it not taste like a herd of wildebeests just urinated in my mouth.  Thousands to choose from, made all over the globe, and still not one that can replace a decent rum and coke.  Of course, it does give the obnoxiously narcissistic something to lord over the waiter, so its not a totally worthless product.

cigars: legend has it that the reason cigars from cuba are better is because they are rolled between the thighs of virgins.  No kiddin?  So rolling something between the thighs of a virgin upgrade it from “noxious” to “holy shit that thing stinks?” Nice upgrade.  I’m not anti-smoking so this isn’t some prima donna rant, but who  in their right mind would put anything that smells like that in their mouth?  Cigar smokers are quite possibly also the people sneaking around eating the dog shit left in my yard by the mooch.

Children:  I’ve raised three now, not all the way to the age of maturity, but damn close, and i still can’t figure em out.  What do they need all that money for?  When I was their age it was for dope and pussy, but they don’t come home high, (trust me, I’d know).  Which makes me fear for the virgin status of every girl between 12 and 20 living within a 10 mile radius.  Lord knows they spend enough to have accomplished a genghis kahn style pillaging of the entire city.  Do kids really think shoes make them cool? And tell me, how do you run from the cops with your britches cinched around mid-thigh?  The daughter is even harder to figure out, and keeps me so flabbergasted I can’t even speak on it.

I was gonna add love to this list, but I know all I need to know about that.  If a person has to change, then I don’t love them.  If I have to change…then they can kiss my rosie red sphincter.

Ron Paul Fundraisers

  Just thougth I’d help out with a few Idea’s to raise money for Ron…..lord knows, anyone that only has holdings in 6 gold conglomerates needs the cash.

The Ron Paul Regatta and Demolition Derby:  This should be a hoot.  It starts out as a boat race, but being its Ron Paul fans they are all going in their own direction.  When the last boat sinks Ron Gets the money.

The Henry Gibson lookalike contest:  This one works like a walk- a- thon.  You dress up like Henry Gibson, who is the spitting image of Ron Paul.  Then you take pledges based on how long you can portray one of Henry’s beloved characters.  for those of you to young to know what I’m talking about I have included a handy dandy Henry Gibson Link for your educational enjoyment.    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Gibson   (the link includes a picture…i’d show it here but I’m not a thief)

The Ron Paul off shore oil drilling race:  Yes, you heard it here.  The trick to this one (since just anybody can drill for oil offshore) is that you have to receive all funding from the government.  Ron approves of this, though it contradicts his “free market” idealogy.  No kiddin.  You can read it for yourself at vote-smart.org    He voted for the  federal government to pay for offshore oil exploration.  Kind of a strange small government stance, but hey, its a chance for his many fans to get wet, dirty, and spends oodles of government funds, while assisting “poor” Ron in his bid for the presidency.

The two faces Jamboree:  This ones easy.  just pick a topic, put on a Ron Paul mask and vote for issues as many times as you can.  This would work well as a pledge event.  What you do is you vote against an issue because  “you don’t think the federal government has any right being involved in this issue”  then turn around and vote for a similar issue, without mentioning your anti federal government stance.

A Hang Abe Lincoln in effigy contest:  Why the hell shouldn’t Georgia have slaves after all if they so desire?  Its a state issue and the federal government shouldn’t be involved.  This may seem extreme, but I haven’t heard Ron Paul come out against slavery.  It was his “states rights ” issue that was the basis for the civil war…lets do it again.  I’ve been wanting to shoot me a redneck for quite sometime now.

These are just a few great ideas to help “poor” ron raise money for his campaign.  I’m not donating.  booze is expensive, and I support the Anhueser Busch clydesdales for president.

I don’t feel like writing.

  Not for any particular reason.  i didn’t feel like killing a millwright today either.  Of course I didn’t do that.  I’m not writing either.  I’m doing what everyone else does.  I’m typing that which is unworthy of being read by the masses.  I don’t mind.  I see what y’all like about it.  Kind of mind numbing, not as physical as masturbation, and you don’t have to clean up after.

      A lot of books I’ve read I think were written just this way.  Someone sat down with no desire to write, and then did it anyway.  Then on a monday morning some editor found the manuscript laying in his in basket, and not particularly feeling like editing threw it in the trash.   The janitor, who had been drinking mimosa’s since 8a.m. saturday morning felt the manuscript to weighty to carry down to the dumpster, and deviously placed it in the editors outbox.

     The manuscript found its way eventually to the publisher, who had no idea the editor spent monday mornings praying for a painless death, andc was totally unaware that a miscreant of a lazy janitor didn’t feel like working through his 7 on a scale of 1 to 10 hangover.  Ignorance being as effective a tool on publishers as it is on the rest of us,   the manuscript was put in the queue awaiting publication.

    You now know how all these books by Coulter, Moore, Stephanopolous (just wanted to challenge myself), limbaugh, et al found there way into every waiting room in the country.  Madonna’s got there because she showed her tits.  Mine is still awaiting the worthless editor lazy janitor ignorant publisher troika to do their work…or not…as the case may be