Sunday is for random thoughts #4

July 1, 2007

1.   Doesn’t the latest terrorist failure in the British Isles make you wonder why it is that the mightiest nation on earth can’t whoop the Islamic version of the Keystone Cops?

2.   I always loved story problems in math.  This one shoud be on the SAT  If you leave los Angeles driving east at 65 MPH and another car leaves new york driving west at 65 MPH, how many licks will it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

3.  Barack Obama raised over $32 million dollars this quarter.  Proving you don’t need experience to run for president.  You just need a lot of stupid people with too much money to support you.

4.    Republicans won’t reveal their figures until this week.  Proving I suppose that The apple is faster than the abacus.

5.    these don’t seem random enough

6.   David Sedaris is the funniest homo to ever write a book.  Is homo still allowed or do I have to say heterosexually challenged individual?

7.   It’s unfortunate for Ron Paul that his supporters will not be allowed to vote hundreds of times in the primary.  Thats made him all the rage on web-based polls.  When the voting is real this guy won’t last through 5 states.

8.   In an effort to start feeding the hungry in impoverished areas of the world I intend to start promoting the cat as a viable food source on I can Haz cheeseburger.

9.  Hearing about Alli “treatment effects” senior management at Domino’s has begun a recruitment effort for the takers of this pill.  I believe its a cost cutting measure.  (don’t give me that look…I just got that off the wire…think it’ll change the taste of the pizza?)

10.   china” has begun a crackdown on political leaders that have mistresses.  Good plan.   The intent is to raise morality.  I bet it raises the divorce rate, and violence. 

11.   I wish they made an amnesia pill.  I’d take it even if it made you crap your pants.

12.  Roscoe can only see sideways.  Bet that would make driving a real bear.

13.  If your looking for work,  The government in India is looking to hire a “condom Man.”  I’m not sure if you have to be bald or not.

14.   it takes 20 hours to build a camry.  10 hours of that is painting.  It takes 164 hours to build a hummer for the military.  no painting included.

15.  if an ultra liberal and an ultra conservative had sex, what would the kid be?  It couldn’t happen.  Ultra liberals are all gay, and ultraconservatives don’t have sex.  Them not procreating is a good thing for the rest of us.  Kill off the “i’m to stupid to listen to reason gene,” maybe.

16.  I found a website that claims to contain (I didn’t check) women in my area that wish to have sex.  I’m not even going to get into the miracle of a midwestern woman that wants to have sex.  I’d just like to point out that this used to be what alcohol and badlines were used for.

17.  I just contemplated what my week at work is going to entail.  It’s the only thought that ever makes me look lovingly at the strychnine bottle.

18.  Based on what she licks my dogs favorite flavors are her butt and my chin.

19.  Ever notice that men who have daughters look older than men of comparable age that don’t?

20.  The world is an incredilby dangerous place.  That said, you are still more likely to die falling down than from all violent means combined.  I’m not sure how they score it if you fall down on a car bomb as you’re having your throat cut by a mugger.

21.  Have a good week.

I have to pee

July 1, 2007

  Like everyone, he had been born into light.  The birthing process had shed eternal darkness on his mother, but it was light that was his first experience among the living.  Blinding light, and being struck.  A harsh awakening.  One fraught with foreshadowing of what was to come.  Everything about it was a portent, a sign of what inevitably would lead him to his current predicament.  Strapped to a gurney with three lines of fluid about to be entered into his body until he was dead, dead, dead.  It was almost tragic that all he could think about was how badly he had to piss.

    Had he not been so worried about his urinary discomfort it may have occurred to him to have his life flash before his eyes.  He could have spun forward from his birthing to being potty trained like a puppy.  Having his nose rubbed in his excrement when the none to gentle hands of a man hateful at life and to drunk to exhibit good motor control failed to put on his diaper properly.  Then being beaten by those same work hardened hands until he had been trained to shy away from any touch as if it were meant to be a blow.

    as he twirled forward he could watch the young boy, already to shattered emotionally to cope with the rigors of learning being beaten by a surly nun that had years of pent up sexual frustration driving every blow. He could watch as the boy failed to read and was hit, failed to write and was hit, failed, failed, failed, and was hit,  hit, hit until the blows no longer made an impression on his thoroughly broken psyche.

   Imagine his joy at seeing the young man experience his first human contact that was not threatening to him.  the casual delight he would’ve taken in looking back on that first rape so many years ago.  She wasn’t atttractive when he started, and she wasn’t alive when he was through.  He learned though that in the silence and the darkness he didn’t have to be hit.  He didn’t have to be controlled. His first sense of accomplishment an act that others called monstrous.  Had he been able to read he would have been able to consider  the horrors he perpetrated.  Read about the empty liqour bottle he had used to crush the mandible, and the cross he had used for acts of sodomy.  He couldn’t.  All he did was go home to bed with a slightly warm feeling.  A feeling of strength.  Of comfort.  Power.

   He could have cascaded forward through a life of vagrancy and malice.  Of violence and sexual deviation so horrifying that it would make the people he came in contact with in Joliet cringe at the halting, stuttering retelling.  His greatest moments of success each a little more ghastly and provocative than the next.   He would not be able to see that he was infamous, because all the things that made that so were beyond his education, his intellect that of a boy of 8.

   this hauntingly tragic reclamation of all that he was, and all he had  destroyed were denied him though.  A full bladder made the last pathetic moments of his life just one more torment.

   He didn’t spend the last moments of wakefulness begging forgiveness for the things he had done.  He didn’t even know they were wrong.  What he did was to repeatedly state his final desire in life.  “i have to pee.  I have to pee.  i have to pee.

  precisely a nanosecond after he returned to the darkness that had granted him peace prior to birth a merciful god granted his last request.