well, bring on the dancing bears

   I’m wandering around trying to find worthless garbage masquerading as information.  I just found this quack.  He’s trying to tell women what their husbands celebrity crushes mean.  He goes way out on a limb (sarcasm) for these babies.  I think he also whacks his baloney pony to some of these gals, highbrow Dr. type or no.

http://health.yahoo.com/experts/menlovesex/49812/what-his-celeb-crush-says-about-him

hey, gee whiz wally, people think the income gap is to wide.  No way, beav.  Eddie was just funnin yuh.  No really wally, even people making over $80,000 a year say so 2 to 1.  Wow, beav.  This is news?  I guess the interesting part is 2/3rds say the government should fix it, and 2/3rds say the government should stay out of it.  Waits 7 minutes for my readers to do the math.  I think this poll was conducted by Ron Pauls bloggers.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070706/ap_on_re_us/income_gap_poll_2;_ylt=ApS0yugPwptVfcWFE.b0jmgL1vAI

A recent study shows women use only slightly more words than men.  another battle of the sexes stereotype bites the dust, but does it really matter?  What is called an “urban legend” has women using 3 times as many words as men.  I think the new study is inaccurate, and I have almost incontrevertible evidence.  They used me in the study.  Had this not occurred the study would have found numbers in the normal range.    What I want is a study that shows who listens more.  That bad boy would provoke some controversy.  One final note on this.  I’ll believe it when misterpiece does the study and not until.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19618373/

I can always count on foxnews to blow it out of proportion.  So its Al Gore’s kids second arrest for drugs.  So he was driving 100 mph on the freeway.  Crap happens.  First, like big Al says, its a private matter.  I think in keeping with the spirit of this we should drop the conversation about drug use and politics.  i for one think a ton of peyote buds would do a world of good on capital hill.  Secondly, give me a name of someone that doesn’t drive 100 miles an hour on a southern california freeway.  I’ve never seen a pterodactyl, and I’ve never seen one of those either.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,288134,00.html

CNN, in keeping with its policy of carrying only the most important stories manages to make a pretty good case for why J.K.Rowlings may kill off harry potter.  I can see it happening.  It’s either that or continue his slow decline into metrosexuality, and what kind of a witch gets a mani/pedi and dresses fastidiously?  Actually, I’m for a gay witch trilogy to follow the currently scheduled 487 Harry Potter movies.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/books/07/05/harrypotter.mythology.ap/index.html

ok, now for some hard news.

Dick Cheney strained his lower lumbar vertebrae while trying to remove Nancy Pelosi’s front clasp bra from behind.  Dick claimed the weight was just to much for him.  In a related story, tile had to be replaced in Nancy Pelosi’s office this morning after “something heavy” fell to the floor and shattered the tile.  Her secretary was heard whispering to a janitor “I swear to god…they must be 46 longs.”

   Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh perished today in a tragic kayak accident in Northern Alaska.  The two were sponsoring a Conservative gay pride Kayak race, with money raised going to the Association to Raise Awareness Movement(ASSRAM) a conservative organization working to bring Christian Coalition members out of the closet.  The bodies were not recovered.  In a related stories (criminy news almost always has related stories) A local Inuit tribe is having a whale blubber raffle.  It’s not clear where the blubber comes from as whale hunting is out of season.

David Duke and Wolf Blitzer kissed and made up after the fiasco on CNN.  David Duke said he didn’t hate jews, and had several recipes that required them.  Wolf said he would bend over and lick David Duke between the cheeks if his bosses said so.  Basically, niether changed the position they held prior to their confrontation.

   In a shocking turn of events Ann Coulter switched her party allegiance today, and is now calling herself Queen Libby.  Apparently she has fallen stark raving bonkers for Rosie O’donnell, and can’t stop gushing as only Ann can about their impending nuptials, and their plans to have a love child.  When asked about this news, Rosie O’donnell replied “blah blah blah yakkity yakkity yakkity blah blah blah and blah.”  (not a paraphrase.)

checks the wire….yeah, there’s some other stuff, but we’ll save it for another day.  The nice thing about my news is it works anytime.

oh…the bears…some spank monkey decided that grizzly bears are to dangerous for the idiot tourists that are invading their space so they’ve started painting them fluorescent  colors…its along the russian river in alaska…look it up yourself

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14 Responses to well, bring on the dancing bears

  1. max says:

    “oh…the bears…some spank monkey decided that grizzly bears are to dangerous for the idiot tourists that are invading their space so they’ve started painting them fluorescent colors”

    The bears or the tourists?

    Fluorescent tourists would be interesting. Sort of a twist reversal on gummy bears.

  2. That expert about celebrity crushes has failed to take something into account — people like me who think that Angelina Jolie is incredibly hot but who don’t think that she’s mentally stable and wouldn’t want to sleep with her because of her nurturing ability but because she looked so damned appealing in HACKERS. Speaking as the shallowest of men, I’m not attracted to a woman because of her personality. Hell, some of the women that I’m attracted to her personalities that can be used to sand down several layers of paint and varnish. I’m attracted to whatever enigmatic quality’s inside of them that hits the trigger at the right time. There’s a scene in the movie THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS AND DOGS where Janeane Garofalo is having her picture taken by this photographer that she has a crush on. Throughout the movie, she’s been rather plain and definitely not hot. But when we see her through the viewfinder of the camera, it’s like she’s been transformed into this radiant creature. Right then, I would definitely have had sex with her — provided she didn’t open her mouth and let her liberal pablum come spewing out. But then again, that’s just me.

  3. mdvp says:

    Okay, I somehow managed to read the whole thing and I’m still not all that angry, surprisingly. Nice try though.

  4. I wish JK Rowling would just kill the boy off and be done with it. Blah, blah, blah, Harry Potter, blah blah blah.
    RE: Peyote buds on capitol hill: I’ve always said that if the powers that be would just spend some time traveling from country to country, meeting with the other world leaders, smoking some pot and listening to some music, all wars would immediately end. Ha! Like that’s ever going to happen. Nah, makes too much sense.

  5. Anita Marie says:

    Uh-Oh,

    I want it on record.
    I did not bring Gummy Bears to this blog…but you know, it’d be fun- right Max?

    CNN and FOX deserve all the er, ‘ reporting’ we can do on them…but tell me, isn’t that like picking on the kids who ride the Short Bus?

    You could actually devote a post a day to them.

    Hey…what a neat idea.

    She’s all your Criminy

    amm

  6. holds up the cross…are gummy bears afraid of crosses. No Max, not the invaders…that would make sense. We now have grizzly bears that look like teletubbies. that should scare off the tourists.

    richard morgan: I’m not an Angelina fan. Hard to believe someone would do that to their face.

    MDVP: Some of it was tongue in cheek. i’ll try harder next time.

    OB: maybe I should start a pool?

    anita: I only pick on Fox when they deserve it. 3 times a day, preferably after meals. good idea, but i have never planned a DAILY activity in my life.

  7. Criminy, I should have made myself more clear. I adore the younger Angelina Jolie, back when she was not nearly as scary-weird. Oh, sure, she did the whole blood on the wedding dress routine, but hey, cut her some slack — she was young and in love and nothing says true love like hemoglobin. But you’re right — the current Angelina wouldn’t do it for me. Then again, I can only deal with natural. It’s a phobia of mine. The way I see it, I’m only bringing myself to the table and I expect the same from a woman. – Richard

  8. so you want a natural woman on a table is what you’re saying Richard?

    hemoglobin…..nice. *L*

  9. mdvp says:

    I’m okay with some of it, but items #4 and 5 annoyed me along with half of the stuff in the second part. Four for obvious reasons, and 5 because I am a fan of Harry Potter, believe it or not, a Potterhead, if you will. I would love if you could put a warning in capital letters that you are bashing Fox when you post something that does so that I can ignore it and/or spam you with irrelevant Fox propaganda, if ever you choose to post something that focuses on bashing Fox.

  10. Crim, obviously you’ve discovered my secret desire for banquet dining at its finest. By the way, I posted a pic of the only way to truly enjoy sushi on my website.

  11. #4: is taking advantage of a families pain, and an individuals addiction. unless as the radio said “he had vicodin, soma, xanax, and valium along with marijuana…he must’ve been headed to courtney loves.”
    #5: read it, watched it, consider it good story telling.
    don’t take it serious MD…VP…wait, are you Dick Cheney’s physician?

    i shall be by post haste to view the sushi richard.

  12. mdvp says:

    Crap, you’ve figured me out. Don’t tell him though, I’m supposed to be blogging about how it’s a medical fact that he is a separate branch of government. I wouldn’t be so nervous, but the one time I went to check his pulse and, well, you can figure it out.

    Actually it has nothing to do with my occupation. First two are my initials and I just threw in the “VP” to meet minimun letter requirements at some sites I go to.

  13. mdvp says:

    Oh, and #4… what if it were switched, a famous conservative’s son? The media would love it. Fox may seem conservative to you, but something like 80% of it’s donations in the last election went to Democrats. It’s hard to be overly biased toward the political ideology of most Republicans and do that.

  14. of course they would…they have. That’s hardly the point though. The man isn’t running for office. That shouldn’t matter either, though. It’s a family matter. Let them deal with it

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