Ruh-Roh (or roscoe scares me into getting him a babe)

I woke last night to the sound of voices.  I didn’t recognize either of them, but will remember them to my dying day.   Or maybe I didn’t awaken.  All I know is one of them was male, gruff, and had that two pack a day habit sound to it.  The other was feminine, almost giggly.  A drug induced euphoria cadence, and content.

gruff: what do you think?

euphoric.  I don’t know, but I know I’m sick to death of kibbles and chunks.

gruff: quit your whining.  I get dried oats and ground up hay.  Try living on that.

euphoric:  We don’t know how to work the grill.

gruff:  So what?  We’ll figure it out, or go with steak tartar.

euphoric:  What’s that?

gruff:  Raw meat.  I learned it watching emeril.

euphoric:  i only watch the purina commercials.

gruff:  So i’ll lay over his blowhole, and you bite him on the nuts.  When he opens his mouth to scream, I’ll stuff my ass puff down his throat.

euphoric: what if he wakes up before we get in position?

gruff:  Then you sit there smiling,  and i’ll hump his ankle.  It worked last time.

euphoric: Okay (giggle) lets do it.

I rolled over then, and coughed.  I heard the rapid thump of a retreating rabbit, and the sound of Mollie trying to crawl under the night stand.

then there were all these women, naked, and feeding me all sorts of fatty foods. there was music, and dancing midgets, and a herd of sheep walking through a meadow with lust in their eyes…

gruff(voiceoverish):  He’s not sleeping real sound.  We’re going to have to wait for another night.

euphoric (also voiceoverish):  If i have to follow him around with this stupid smile on my face for one more day I might just eat myself.

gruff:  You can do it.  Just think, 175 pounds of meat.

euphoric (All giddy): and no more getting my nails clipped, haircut, and living with a stupid rabbit.

gruff (lasciviously): exactly, but remember..i get dibs.

   I woke up late for work, and virtually fled out the door.  On the way home I stopped at a friends house and asked if she would loan me her rabbit.  For what she said.  Roscoe needs a woman says I.  she got all euphoric and said giddily..oh boy, puppies.  I don’t think they call baby rabbits puppies says I.  She said I’m the girl..i can call them whatever I want.   Fair deal.  Give me the damn rabbit…know anyone wants a dog?

 authors note: when i got home i tried to open the frontt door and it was stuck.  I could get it just far enough open to  see roscoe and mollie lying in a ball together.  I think they may have been laying in wait, but whatever the case, they wouldn’t move.   I had to climb in the bedroom window to get in my house.  There will be no sleep tonight.  I fear roscoe has ill intent.  poor little fluffy.  Who in their right mind names a vicious rodent fluffy?


6 Responses to Ruh-Roh (or roscoe scares me into getting him a babe)

  1. kaliedoscopeeyes says:

    just when I was feeling silly for all my ridiculous posts (in contrast to your facinating thoughts, advice, and interesting political commentary and updates)….this comes flying out of left field. I needed some entertainment

  2. hi kaliedoscope I do roscoe regular…go down to the bottom where the 73 thousand tags are and click on anything that says roscoe and it will give you a list….I recommend a love lust story, and when you die can i have your stuff

    thanks for coming by

  3. max says:

    You have been drinking gin before you hit the pillows haven’t you?

  4. g’morning max.

    i know its hard to read me and believe this, but I almost never drink. I blame my insanity o nthe pets.

    have a great day

  5. mdvp says:

    You know what you need to do, right? Go shopping tommorow. You seem to me like the kind of guy who still likes his pets, at least, so go for a taser first. Then, you have to buy two puppies, of any breed that is as large of larger than Molly, but most of all, loyal, and again, puppies. Set up a training regimen for the puppies and make sure to keep them content and away from Roscoe and Molly until you think they’re old and big enough. Until such a time, sleep with the taser and have an alarm sound at frequent 15-30 minute intervals. It’ll be hard, but necessary. When the dogs are ready, have them come in your bedroom at night. The training regimen should include waking up in hour shifts, if possible, but if not, they should be effective anyway. Still have the taser close by.

    And also, see a therapist.

  6. I’m going with the last line…i couldn’t handle two more dogs

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