todays events

  These are not necessarily in any order.  Order is the ruination of mankind, and any little thing I can do in my own personal existence to advance the cause of chaos I do.  in other words I’m to lazy to put them in order.

1.  My daughter returned from her trip to the amusement park with her friends.  She brought me a gorilla.  it is 6″ high.  She said as she gave it to me.  Here’s your $100.00 gorilla.  Now I don’t owe you anything.  I call that daughter math.

2.  I have returned roscoes sheila to its rightful owner.  Mollie is upset from hell, but Roscoe seems to be taking it just fine.  Apparently he’s one of those “i got mine” fella’s.  Anyway, we’re going to get him a permanent mate this weekend since he didn’t eat this one.

3.  diet soda appears to be a stronger issue than i thought it would be.  At least to some people who obviously have dead taste buds, and a lack of full length mirrors.

4.  a buddy from work brought me a whole sack of homegrown tomatoes.  My yard does not face the right direction to plant them.  Is there anything better than a nice beefsteak tomato, thin sliced purple onion, and mayo sandwich on 12 grain bread?  Washed down with anything but a diet soda?

5.  It’s payday.  I only vote for Ron Paul on wednesday.  I like to imagine what my tax dollars are spent on.  This week I’m buying new knobs for the ladies senatorial washroom doors.  I hope them skanks wash their hands after.  The remainder of it Nancy Pelosi is going to siphon into a private slush fund and buy a half a bra with it.

6.  Khaled Abdul-Fattah Dawoud Mahmoud al-Mashhadani is really tom johnson, a truck driver from des moines.  he has no links to al qaeda but was arrested on July 4th .  It took two weeks for the Bush administration to beat him into agreeing to say he was khaled so that they can continue to link al qaeda to the war in Iraq. *my conspiracy theory for the day.

7.  I had to cut and paste that name…can you imagine having to spell that in kindergarten?  It’s no wonder these clowns grow up to be terrorists.  No, not Tom Johnson. you must be a pauliac.

8.   I filled the car with petrol.  I could’ve bought a hooker and a bag of weed.  Life blows.

9.  My boss was in a mood.  When I asked him what he would like me to accomplish today he said” go see how many more people you can piss off enough that they call me and complain about you.”  I got to 7 before he asked me nicely to cease and desist.

10.  on the way to work i saw one of those morris the cat looking cats that had been smooshed by a car…beside it was a sign that said I can beez cheeseburger.  (this was for the mullets that keep coming here from the i canhazcheeseburger schlepfest.  Never let it be said that I don’t try to please my readers.  

11.  Here are some things you should never do on a blog.  Talk politics. Talk religion. Talk diet soda. Talk cats. Talk animal sex.  Poke fun of stuff.

12.  If those are true this blog doesn’t exist, and you have been drinking way to much if you think you are reading this.

13.  My son has decided to joiin the Marines.  My first instinct having been one was to yell “I forbid it.”  “What came out of my mouth was “don’t sign anything unless I am there.”  Being a dad can suck sometimes.

14.  I finally asked you know who to marry me.

15.  Ok, that last one was hilarious.


22 Responses to todays events

  1. Conundrum says:

    >>>Is there anything better than a nice beefsteak tomato, thin sliced purple onion, and mayo sandwich on 12 grain bread?

    Yes, a heirloom tomato with mozarella cheese, basil and vinagrette dressing, aka a caprese salad. The most excellent use of a tomato.

    btw – no I won’t marry you. It’s not legal in your state.

    Sorry – you are lovable but not marriage material.

  2. funny…i’m sure i will somehow survive the rejection. *l*

  3. criminyjicket wrote: > a buddy from work brought me a whole sack of homegrown

    That’s some friend, bro.

    criminyjicket wrote: > Is there anything better than a nice beefsteak

    Offhand, I’d say no – unless, of course, it’s a sack full of homegrown.

    criminyjicket wrote: > I hope them skanks wash their hands

    I believe Webster prefers “those skanks …”

    criminyjicket wrote: > a truck driver from des moines.

    I can tell you about truckdrivers.

    criminyjicket wrote: > you must be a pauliac.


    criminyjicket wrote: > I could’ve bought a hooker and a bag of weed.

    Well, yes, that may be, but why bother when you’ve got a beefsteak and a six foot gorilla waiting for you at home?

    criminyjicket wrote: > this was for the mullets that keep coming here from the i canhazcheeseburger schlepfest.

    Thank you. That schlepfest, as you say, has been on my last nerve lately.

    criminyjicket wrote: >

  4. hey anti….too funny…that 6′ was a typo…its 6″

    i got hosed

  5. Conundrum says:

    criminyjicket wrote: > that 6′ was a typo

    oh poop. I was ready to have some wild and crazy dreams tonight about crimmy and a 6′ … something.

    I’m still not going to marry you.

  6. the something is a stuffed gorilla as you well know.

    and i’m still not going to be hurt by the rejection. *S*

  7. Conundrum says:

    Stop it. gorilla smorgorilla.

    I was thinking about ginormarilla but that is a story for another day.

    I’m still not going to marry you and begging is beneath you…ok, maybe beneath is the wrong word.

    you are a hoot and your posts bring fun into my miserable existence.

    I did not say that.

  8. my thoery of what makes life worth living…make people laugh and you have improved their existence. my other theory is to piss people off…its a great blood pressure tester.

  9. mdvp says:

    3. Is that in reference to max? You don’t want to mess with her, criminy, I hear she’s one of those hollywood elites. Well, she has a wikipedia article almost as big as my hometown’s in any case. And she can be very mean. I was almost scared away from your blog thanks to her.

    4. Yeah, there is, something with a different bread, preferably Italian, and MEAT. What is wrong with you, man, are you turning liberal?

    6. Dammit! How’d you know? I’ll bet anything it was Condi, she just can’t keep her mouth shut about these things can she? Dick was saying the other day that he walked in on her, Harriet Miers, and Tony Snow at their slumber party, and she was gossiping on about the Iran-Contra time travel affair, and that’s only known to the higher ups. What if she’d invited Robert Novak again? That was horrible.

    10. While we’re on ICHC, I was thinking about doing a lolpolitishunz parody but then realized I had neither photoshop nor the desire to buy it. You think it would look as good with just captions, sort of as a running joke for the blog?

  10. 3.yes it was sorta aimed in her general direction, and in case you haven’t figured it out yet i like messing with her about as much as i like messing with you…and your wikipedia page is at least as big as hers. she has a wikipedia page? I don’t…i feel slighted…

    4. oh man you gotta try this…it just plain rocks mr latte-boy.

    6. yeah, and she ain’t bad in the sa….uhhhh….nothing

    10. I think it’s a splendid idea, but why not just steal the stupid pics off the web?

  11. mdvp says:

    3. Yeah, I saw a link to her autobiography in a lovely and polite post after clicking on a link from here and skimming the blog, and thought she must be on wikipedia, and she is. I’m not, though. Sigh. 😦

    4. I knew you’d say something like that. I’ve decided it’s because of my Italian heritage, I have to have highly caffeinated drinks that taste good and are outrageously expensive, like with food.

    6. Oh boy, now I gotta have them put you under surveillance. 🙂

    10. Yeah, I’ll do that, but then I gotta get the words on it, and you need photoshop for that, so I’ll just caption them.

  12. i’m gonna be surveilled…i better call the big C.

    now i have another thing to look forward to…you’re stacking up a workload bud

  13. mdvp says:

    I know I am. I’m not ready, sorry to say I’ve only done three Islam drafts when I was bored. And I have to give you and four other guys the award I got from ChenZhen. Well, you’re not officially getting it yet, but you’re a shoo-in.

  14. you are a busy man. if you don’t mind, is there something you do related to employment when you aren’t here debunking my posts?

  15. mdvp says:

    Yes, I do mind. Well, not all that much, but no details. I like to keep my private life (mostly) separate from my racy and dangerous internet persona, should I ever run for public office. Don’t worry, I really don’t like you that much to be here all the time. I simply have a bit more free time in the mornings than you but less at night, judging by the extent of the activity that goes on here at around 4:00 and get bored once I’ve gone over all of the blogs I go to.

  16. chuckle….i wasn’t worried…merely idle curiosity.

    i find it hard to believe you get bored.

    that never happens to me

  17. mdvp says:

    I don’t know, maybe it’s a mental condition?

  18. mdvp says:

    What do you think?

  19. well, since i can be amused by a paper clip, it would have to be you, senor

  20. mdvp says:

    How funny, I’m actually throwing a paper clip up and seeing if I can catch it between my toes at the moment. I would say it’s both of us.

  21. the last quack i saw said i’m antisocial and should comsider becoming medicated heavily.

    i take advil..

    it seems to keep me mellow

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