Not News….Proof

July 26, 2007

  This one proves that the FBI is not on a witch hunt for terrorists.  Anyone will do.  It doesn’t seem to matter when in history, the FBI has proven to be as unscrupulous as any federal agency ever.

this one proves that no good deed goes unpunished.  The president who helped pull south africa out of apartheid is now being victimized by rumor mongers and former apartheid officials trying to keep the noose from around their own neck.  Apparently a nobel peace prize isn’t worth much anymore.

 Remember the movie where if you watch it the phone rings and you then die within 7 days?  Well, this cat gives you roughly 4 hours.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve always thought cats were satans minions, except max, of course, and this fat little furbearing feline proves it.  I want his feet tested.  Maybe he isn’t prescient…maybe he has poison paws.

This proves that science fictions and comic books are no longer the private domain of the geeky and nerdified.  heh…sure it does.

this proves that sex, funny, and liberal are popular in the blog bowl.  (like toilet bowl….beats blogosphere wouldn’t you say?)  It also proves that If Rosie O’donnell’s haiku’s get an A rating the rest of you haiku clowns should maybe throw in the towel.  It lists a bunch of celebs and what their blogs are about, and then grades them.

this proves that diet and companionship are more relevant to longevity than stress.

   This one proves that not raising taxes and having a universal health care package are the centerpiece of the liberal candidates agenda.  Pay particular attention to how detailed Chris Dodd is in his explanation about how it will be paid for.

this proves that politicians are dumb…they worry about this, when we have problems right now need fixing

this one proves that not only do governments waste oodles of dollars, idiots that write don’t always get their facts straight.  William Proxmire was a senator from Wisconsin, dummy.

While I certainly don’t get it, this proves that holy week is more important than drinking green beer.  Catholics make no sense at all.

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Did not

July 26, 2007

   That’s my favorite comeback of the day.  A man in his thirties used that to rebut an argument.  I was impressed.  The reason there was no 6 a. m. hateful this morning was because I wasn’t up at 6 a.m.  I wasn’t even up at 6:30.  The power got knocked out, which killed my alarm colck.  It has this little compartment in the bottom where I could put a battery if I were so inclined.  My lack of interest in being the “always prepared boy scout” type stems from my desire to never be to dependable.  Dependability is a flaw most often taken advantage of by those who have no right to do so.

   So for the first time in about a week I was late for work.  I wouldn’t have been.  I was out the door at the usual time, but alas, my karma was shit city this morning, and I made the wrong choice as to the route I should take.  I chose the possible to achieve mach speed freeway route.  7 other people also chose this route, and I’m sure because it was raining and foggy failed to maintain there forward progression.  This failure was achieved according to the bass brain on the radio by slamming into each other, and thereby shutting down all of the westbound lanes of I-70.

   Even this would not have created my unbearable lateness of being.  What stumped me was the asswit in the green G35 that thought it would be cool to also block the shoulder so those behind him could not exit the freeway.  After waiting for 8 minutes for him to change his mind I walked up to his car and tapping gently on the window with a pipe wrench requested in a civil yet incredibly creative profane way that he either remove his vehicle or I would commence performing structural modification to the vehicle.

   I thought for a moment he was going to get out and slap me across the face with his doeskin driving gloves and challenge me to a duel, but somewhere deep in the recesses of his occipital lobe I assume it occurred to him that pansy gloves are no match for an irate pipe wrench, and he proceeded to move his piece of shit infiniti before I turned it into a yugo.  Judging by the horns honking around me I could quite easily have been elected mayor of this shitpit had the vote been taken at 7:02 this morning.   As I maneuvered past the posterchild for roadrage insensitivity he flipped me off. I waved and smiled.  I’m not an unnice person after all.

   Ever notice that when you’re late every redlight in the world is just waiting for your arrival?  I got stopped by a redlight at an intersection where the last car to use the crossing street was probably called “horse.” I got skipped at the redlight to get back on the freeway,meaning I had to sit through it twice, and then got nailed by one at the airport that was being manually controlled by the oldest living member of the human race in a policemans uniform.  I thought about going after him with my pipe wrench, but my father taught me at a very young age that a club is useless in a gunfight.   He was old, but he was packing, so I just sat there and ineffectually wore out my entire litany of cusswords, including the appendix labelled  “I stole this phrase from…” while I waited for the old bastards prune juice to kick in and give him the rush that was needed for him to raise his right hand 8″ and hit the switch that again allowed me to continue on my merry way.

   I intentionally left out the part where I called my boss and informed him I would be late as I was enjoying a liesurely sabbatical at the I-70 parking lot.   I was regaled with peals of laughter as I explained the pridicament, and it was a little ignominious.  His parting words were to the affect of “don’t worry about it.  You don’t obey any of the other rules no reason you should obey this one.”  It’s nice to be appreciated.  I sincerely believe that your job is only as safe as your relationship with your immediate supervisor.  This means I will never be fired.  I add joy to his life.  I’m quite sure tormenting me ranks right behind beer, and sex with whatever species is handy, in his hierarchy of needs.

   Anyway, I arrived at work 3 minutes late, 7 if you include my “nature calls” moment.  Well, not really calls.  My colon doesn’t call.  It demands.  When I walked into the office my boss looked up and stated with a big old smile “lets see now, late, unshaven, sleeves rolled up, shirt untucked.  Hell I could ring up enough points to fire you before break.”  I replied  “you could fire me for 3 uniform violations and an I don’t give a fuck, but what I need is a 3500 psi powerwasher, and the most powerful HVLP pump money can buy.”   Bosses are like women.  When you hit the top of the shit list send them shopping.  He was in a good mood all day.  Spent almost 8k, and had a target for his mirthful musings.


relationship advice

July 26, 2007

  I seldom give this because when it comes to relationships I’m your basic dumbass, and don’t really try to change that.  Being me is not bad, and i don’t see changing me within the next several thousand years.  Still, even the terminally stupid, inconsiderate, myopic, intransigent, and just plain foolhardy can impart some wisdom on almost any issue,  I’ve decided to prove it.  You might want to strap yourself in.  This is going to be so profound.

1.  Live at seperate addresses.  This alleviates a ton of problems.  If god had meant for man and woman to live together he would have never given women free will.  (see, I told you to strap yourself in.  Had you heeded my advice you wouldn’t be online choking the shit out of me right now.

2.  Don’t share the bathroom space, unless your one of those wierdos who likes incredibly uncomfortable and plausibly dangerous shower sex.  I have good balance, but sex is a physical activity, and showers are slippery as hell when they’re wet.  The reason for not sharing this space is simple.  It is the only privacy you have.  You have already abbrogated your right to privacy by ignoring advice #1.  Adults in a relationship who share the bathroom always split up. Always.  If you haven’t yet, you will.

3. lie.  Lie a lot. lie constantly and vociferously.  Lie about everything.  Lie about your age just for practice.  The one thing that I am absolutely positively sure of is that my mate has no desire to know the truth.   At least none so far.Lying is a practical necessity in relationships because for whatever reason, when you get in a relationship you ask really dumb questions that you don’t wish to know the answer to.  I had a full grown woman ask me one time how many people I had slept with.  I lied.  Not because I feared her reaction, but whatever I said honestly would have been wrong, and would’ve led to the follow on question How many animals, and I really didn’t want it being asked.   If this question is asked of you gentlemen, lie.  Tell them you are a virgin.  Then make them prove otherwise.  Another great one is “does this make my ass look fat?”  they only ask if they a. think it does, or b. know it does.  On this one you may as well just be honest, because if you lie they call you on it, and hate you for the rest of the day because you were going to let them go out in public looking fat.  My favorite response to this question has always been “yes, but so does everything else so just wear the damn thing.”  No matter what you are going to do this answer gaurantees tranquility on the ride there. which leads us to…

4.  The silent treatment.  I know all you guys already know this, but pretend to hate the fact that they are not nagging the living shit out of you.  I don’t know why when women get really mad some synapse in their cerebral cortex tells them that we would feel worse if they don’t scream at us, harangue us, terrorize us verbally.  The silent treatment is by far my favorite “you are a total asshole ” punishment.  It’s even better than “I’m going out” because the only reason they are going out is to meet up with their girlfriends and hold a symposium on the best way to make you miserable when they come home.

5. ok, time for a serious one. When you argue don’t bring up the past.  Everybody does this, and I just saved you a shitload of money on marriage counselling if you remember this one thing.  And the living at seperate addresses one, and…forget it…just don’t bring up the past.  The reason for this is simple.  If YOU bring up the past the other party in the aforementioned argument will feel it is their constitutional right, and god given duty to blame you for everything that has happened on the planet since the rapture.  It has been my fault that man evolved from apes, that cook county illinois politics is corrupt, that woodrow wilson was elected president, and that nagasaki and hiroshima were turned a sickly shade of gray.  I also singlehandedly have destroyed the institution of marriage, made anyone who invested in Rum stocks rich beyond belief, and created a need for a humane society.  When it comes to arguing I tend to get smoked because I get this incredulous look on my face, and can’t control my laughter.

 6. understand that relationships are not fair.  They were never meant to be.  As a blogger I know once put it “i’m the girl.” nuff said, but I’ll say some more anyway, because thats kinda how I roll as my kids would say.  If you need proof, here it is.

the only thing women need to learn to survive in a relationship is “the look.”  Their mothers teach them this before they are 2, and every man on the planet knows the look I’m talking about.  It has no variations, and no substitutes.  On the other hand, men need to learn a myriad of things.  Scheduling (to you young guys, be wrong by a day on this one and you will quickly learn that PMS means Perpetually Maniacal Spazz), psychology (how long can I lay here before she finally blows her grape and kills me for not mowing the lawn), and asskissing 101 to name just a few.  Asskissing is an artform. Take the phrase “you’re right, I’m wrong, I love you.”  It’s wonderful asskissing, but not if you’re smirking.  Do not use “yes dear, no dear, whatever you say dear” if you are in a position where she can either see your eyes rolling, or you making that stroking gesture with your hand.

  I have about a million more, but the reality is my blog is unlikely to survive that 7.   The only real relationship advice is when you argue, and you will, keep it on point.  This will keep you from saying something unforgiveable.  oh, one more,  “go get me a towel” is not post coital conversation, and kicking the cat off the bed is not foreplay..oh, and another….nah…i’m kiddin…

 now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go contemplate how it is that I’m single


observations

July 26, 2007

Chavez, Castro, Assad, Ahmadinejad, and Jong Il.  Yeah, I know the leaders of venezuela, cuba, syria, iran, and north korea…did you watch the debate?  Hillary’s list of the five leaders went as follows “chavez, castro, the leaders of Iran, Syria, and North Korea.”  I’m not sure I have the nations in the right order, but that is essentially what she said.  ummmmm…maybe it means nothing, but then again…

Her position was right on that issue, and that idjit freshman senator from Illinois better have someone teach him something about how the international stage works, or if he is elected he will look dumber than Jimmy Carter did.

I don’t care what anyone else thinks.  Accepting food into our country without it being checked is as close to negligent government  as you can get.  Will it take a botulism epidemic, or even worse before we start limiting what these “free trade” pirates are allowed to do?  It’s unconscionable of our government not to protect the food supply.

Nuclear power is cheap, clean, effective, and makes a hell of a mess when it goes kablooey.

I’ll say it one more time.  Al Gore has missed the boat.  The problem is Global Wetting

If you are an American, and believe that all people be treated equally under the law, then The John Birch Society should really piss you off.  If it doesn’t you are either so far gone to the right that free thought is no longer in your vocabulary, or you know nothing about them and their history.

F@#k Ward Churchill.  He is a pathetically inept college professor who got caught cheating, and was fired.  I don’t really care what he said about 9/11.  He is your common everyday assmonkey, and I would have no problem fustigating him.

look it up.  It was yesterdays word of the day at work.

  The more hispanic immigrants I come into contact with the more I like them.  I still have a bit of a problem with our government taking the easy way out and shooting for amnesty.  Here is something I can live with.  Charge them for their crime at a felony level, and let them carry that gorilla on their back.  That’s what is done to Americans, and if they wish to be Americans then that is the correct thing to do.  Oopsie, but then they can’t vote in federal elections.  Bummer for the politicians.  Bet my idea is a non-starter.

The more I see of Ron Paul the more I like him.  He would make a great grandpa.  I still would rather eat mucous eggrolls than have him for a president.

If you can’t run with the wildebeests then stay your ass on the porch.

a daddism..I used to cry because I had no shoes, until I met a man that had no feet.  I had shoes and feet, I wanted a bicycle.  i bought my own.  To hell with his podiatrist whimsy.

Well, it would appear that Ms. Lohan is either incredibly stupid, or has a bit of an addiction issue.  Bet she blames daddy when “i’m innocent” wears out.

All men are not created equal.   If you don’t take my word for it, ask the ladies.

Rasmusson is out, and the Tour De Farce has been quite the little nest of cheating vipers.  If you told a professional bicyclist that sucking cow urine through a pigs intestine would make them better they would be lining up to try it.

Barry Bonds either has or will break the home run record, and he used steroids or other performance  enhancing drugs to do it.  Bud Selig’s refusal to be there when it occurs though is the cowards way out.  He allowed it  to go on under his watch, and did nothing to keep this situation from happening and he should have his old rickety ass their to congratulate mister bonds for setting the record under Mr. Seligs version of baseball.  I no longer watch the sport myself…nor follow it, hence not knowing if numbnuts has broken the record or not.  Go Hank Aaron.

I think that will do.  I’m bored, and you quit halfway down.  All my readers haveADD or intellect, and there is no way any of you made it this far.  If you did I do not wish to know.