relationship advice

  I seldom give this because when it comes to relationships I’m your basic dumbass, and don’t really try to change that.  Being me is not bad, and i don’t see changing me within the next several thousand years.  Still, even the terminally stupid, inconsiderate, myopic, intransigent, and just plain foolhardy can impart some wisdom on almost any issue,  I’ve decided to prove it.  You might want to strap yourself in.  This is going to be so profound.

1.  Live at seperate addresses.  This alleviates a ton of problems.  If god had meant for man and woman to live together he would have never given women free will.  (see, I told you to strap yourself in.  Had you heeded my advice you wouldn’t be online choking the shit out of me right now.

2.  Don’t share the bathroom space, unless your one of those wierdos who likes incredibly uncomfortable and plausibly dangerous shower sex.  I have good balance, but sex is a physical activity, and showers are slippery as hell when they’re wet.  The reason for not sharing this space is simple.  It is the only privacy you have.  You have already abbrogated your right to privacy by ignoring advice #1.  Adults in a relationship who share the bathroom always split up. Always.  If you haven’t yet, you will.

3. lie.  Lie a lot. lie constantly and vociferously.  Lie about everything.  Lie about your age just for practice.  The one thing that I am absolutely positively sure of is that my mate has no desire to know the truth.   At least none so far.Lying is a practical necessity in relationships because for whatever reason, when you get in a relationship you ask really dumb questions that you don’t wish to know the answer to.  I had a full grown woman ask me one time how many people I had slept with.  I lied.  Not because I feared her reaction, but whatever I said honestly would have been wrong, and would’ve led to the follow on question How many animals, and I really didn’t want it being asked.   If this question is asked of you gentlemen, lie.  Tell them you are a virgin.  Then make them prove otherwise.  Another great one is “does this make my ass look fat?”  they only ask if they a. think it does, or b. know it does.  On this one you may as well just be honest, because if you lie they call you on it, and hate you for the rest of the day because you were going to let them go out in public looking fat.  My favorite response to this question has always been “yes, but so does everything else so just wear the damn thing.”  No matter what you are going to do this answer gaurantees tranquility on the ride there. which leads us to…

4.  The silent treatment.  I know all you guys already know this, but pretend to hate the fact that they are not nagging the living shit out of you.  I don’t know why when women get really mad some synapse in their cerebral cortex tells them that we would feel worse if they don’t scream at us, harangue us, terrorize us verbally.  The silent treatment is by far my favorite “you are a total asshole ” punishment.  It’s even better than “I’m going out” because the only reason they are going out is to meet up with their girlfriends and hold a symposium on the best way to make you miserable when they come home.

5. ok, time for a serious one. When you argue don’t bring up the past.  Everybody does this, and I just saved you a shitload of money on marriage counselling if you remember this one thing.  And the living at seperate addresses one, and…forget it…just don’t bring up the past.  The reason for this is simple.  If YOU bring up the past the other party in the aforementioned argument will feel it is their constitutional right, and god given duty to blame you for everything that has happened on the planet since the rapture.  It has been my fault that man evolved from apes, that cook county illinois politics is corrupt, that woodrow wilson was elected president, and that nagasaki and hiroshima were turned a sickly shade of gray.  I also singlehandedly have destroyed the institution of marriage, made anyone who invested in Rum stocks rich beyond belief, and created a need for a humane society.  When it comes to arguing I tend to get smoked because I get this incredulous look on my face, and can’t control my laughter.

 6. understand that relationships are not fair.  They were never meant to be.  As a blogger I know once put it “i’m the girl.” nuff said, but I’ll say some more anyway, because thats kinda how I roll as my kids would say.  If you need proof, here it is.

the only thing women need to learn to survive in a relationship is “the look.”  Their mothers teach them this before they are 2, and every man on the planet knows the look I’m talking about.  It has no variations, and no substitutes.  On the other hand, men need to learn a myriad of things.  Scheduling (to you young guys, be wrong by a day on this one and you will quickly learn that PMS means Perpetually Maniacal Spazz), psychology (how long can I lay here before she finally blows her grape and kills me for not mowing the lawn), and asskissing 101 to name just a few.  Asskissing is an artform. Take the phrase “you’re right, I’m wrong, I love you.”  It’s wonderful asskissing, but not if you’re smirking.  Do not use “yes dear, no dear, whatever you say dear” if you are in a position where she can either see your eyes rolling, or you making that stroking gesture with your hand.

  I have about a million more, but the reality is my blog is unlikely to survive that 7.   The only real relationship advice is when you argue, and you will, keep it on point.  This will keep you from saying something unforgiveable.  oh, one more,  “go get me a towel” is not post coital conversation, and kicking the cat off the bed is not foreplay..oh, and another….nah…i’m kiddin…

 now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go contemplate how it is that I’m single

22 Responses to relationship advice

  1. Anita Marie says:

    Yep, you can have a major blow up in a relationship but once you hit Potty Mouth Road you may as well buy some real estate cause you ain’t going home.

    Plus, that thing about the Past? You only know what you know because someone trusted you enough to talk about it.

    Using it as a weapon? That’s like doing somebody’s best friend…total betrayal .

    And why are you single- I don’t know.

    But while we’re handing out advice I’d say take your time Criminy, it’s worth the wait. Plus having a life to share is pretty darn attractive.

    I really believe that.

  2. hi anita…i have delved into the arena of relationships in the past, and i tend to take long hiatusi? hiatus’s? i like hiatusi, we’ll use it. I’m never in a hurry when it comes to matters of the heart…no rush…only the good die young so I’ll be nicknamed methuselah before all is said and done.

    thanks for stopping in…

  3. sobiop says:

    Why is it that when men know a) what is under the hood of a car, and b) how to open the damned thing, that they cannot recognize what a hamper is, or what it is for unless they are looking for something to wear?

    This is a problem in marriage.

    As to women having free will, yes we do. We have something else as well. Endurance.

    We trump men on sexual endurance and argument endurance, and no two things can be said to be more common to marriage than those.

    Is it any wonder then, that all relationship advice from men is brief?

  4. advice from me is brief… that was me in full brevity right there…i cut that about 600 pages short out of a desire to not be hunted down like a rabid dog…

    don’t get me started on undergarments hanging off every possible object…air dry my ass..throw em in the drier…if the bra shrinks a half size I’m good with it.

    as far as endurance…arguing doesn’ttake nedurance it takes persistence, and interest. I’m persistent enough, but…

    thanks for coming by sobi

  5. sobiop says:

    You’ll okay shrinking bras?

    You’d be wearing them too if …..

    I read relationship books for years, now I’m a widow so we get along.

  6. i don’t read any self help books. I automatically assume that if someone can sit and write something that boring they are more messed up than me.

    ummmm IF what?

  7. Stranger says:

    I’ve never been married, nor have I been forced to share living space with a boyfriend, but I know that if that ever happens a separate, private bathroom is a must. The men that I’ve dated have been slobs when it comes to housekeeping and if I find beard shavings in my sink when I wake up in the morning, it won’t be a good day for anyone.

  8. Alasdair says:

    great, hilarious post … oh no, sorry. You were being serious, weren’t you?

    How you could ever be accused of being brief is beyond me when you wrote all that to make one singular and outstandingly fundamentally stupendous point, “The only real relationship advice is when you argue, and you will, keep it on point.”


  9. hello charles. i will check them out today, thank you

    I appreciate your visit

    hi stranger…picky picky…how about butt chippings?

    alasdair…no, it was supposed to be funny…i always try to throw a little serious in somewhere. In this post it was the answer to the fat question…

    thanks for coming by

  10. Conundrum says:

    What a hoot.

    I’ve been married, I’ve been coupled living together in theoretical happiness, and I’ve lived alone.

    Alone is the way to go. Someone to do things with, great. Someone to have occasional sex with, great. Someone to watch a food network show and make the proffered menu together, great. Someone to shop with at the wine emporium, wonderful.

    Someone to demand closet space, bathroom use, priority in the kitchen, alternate ways to read the sunday NY Times, why the hell are those CD’s still rotating on the cd player?…no way Jose.

    What a wonderfully witty post.

    Somehow my mother screwed up while having no daughters cause she (intentionall or unwittingly, I don’t know) taught both my brother and myself how to give withering looks and how to give “silent”…me, I can revel for days with being given the silent treatment. A good book, a nap, a walk in the woods, an eagerly awaited dvd, sitting on the terrace with a nice chilled bottle of wine or a yummy lemonade. all perfect ways to enjoy a silent treatment.

    Thanks for the post Crimmy.

    Never ever tell a woman what she doesn’t want to hear…especially anything to do with her fat ass.

    My approach on that outfit and the fat ass question – “I don’t know what others think but, honey, to me it is perfect.” Best of all it is true – if I didn’t approve, I wouldn’t be here looking at it, now would I?

  11. hi con…my favorite answer is “no it makes your ass look like its getting ready to land at Lakehurst New Jersey. This always let me know whether they knew anything aobut history or not, and if not, just how much i could get away with

  12. Stranger says:

    I’m not that picky. Just quirky.

  13. if you can deal with assfur in the sink but not faicial hair I would say you are QUIRKY, not quirky.

  14. Stranger says:

    Are you saying you shave your ass in the sink?

  15. nope…i was just curious on your position in the ass hair/ face hair in the sink debate

  16. Stranger says:

    I’d prefer facial hair in the sink. And also a partner whose ass is without razor burns.

    You guys are supposed to be hairy, anyway.

  17. we are? now you tell me..i just had my ass hotwaxed. I might never be right again.

  18. Stranger says:

    lol. Crimz got a brazilian wax? Priceless.

  19. i screamed like a girl when they tore my left glute off. I think they used fake nail glue to reattach it

    of course I didn’t you goob…whats wrong with you?

  20. Stranger says:

    I smell denial.

  21. denial is a river in egypt, if you can smell it please get me pictures of the sphinx

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