I seldom give this because when it comes to relationships I’m your basic dumbass, and don’t really try to change that. Being me is not bad, and i don’t see changing me within the next several thousand years. Still, even the terminally stupid, inconsiderate, myopic, intransigent, and just plain foolhardy can impart some wisdom on almost any issue, I’ve decided to prove it. You might want to strap yourself in. This is going to be so profound.
1. Live at seperate addresses. This alleviates a ton of problems. If god had meant for man and woman to live together he would have never given women free will. (see, I told you to strap yourself in. Had you heeded my advice you wouldn’t be online choking the shit out of me right now.
2. Don’t share the bathroom space, unless your one of those wierdos who likes incredibly uncomfortable and plausibly dangerous shower sex. I have good balance, but sex is a physical activity, and showers are slippery as hell when they’re wet. The reason for not sharing this space is simple. It is the only privacy you have. You have already abbrogated your right to privacy by ignoring advice #1. Adults in a relationship who share the bathroom always split up. Always. If you haven’t yet, you will.
3. lie. Lie a lot. lie constantly and vociferously. Lie about everything. Lie about your age just for practice. The one thing that I am absolutely positively sure of is that my mate has no desire to know the truth. At least none so far.Lying is a practical necessity in relationships because for whatever reason, when you get in a relationship you ask really dumb questions that you don’t wish to know the answer to. I had a full grown woman ask me one time how many people I had slept with. I lied. Not because I feared her reaction, but whatever I said honestly would have been wrong, and would’ve led to the follow on question How many animals, and I really didn’t want it being asked. If this question is asked of you gentlemen, lie. Tell them you are a virgin. Then make them prove otherwise. Another great one is “does this make my ass look fat?” they only ask if they a. think it does, or b. know it does. On this one you may as well just be honest, because if you lie they call you on it, and hate you for the rest of the day because you were going to let them go out in public looking fat. My favorite response to this question has always been “yes, but so does everything else so just wear the damn thing.” No matter what you are going to do this answer gaurantees tranquility on the ride there. which leads us to…
4. The silent treatment. I know all you guys already know this, but pretend to hate the fact that they are not nagging the living shit out of you. I don’t know why when women get really mad some synapse in their cerebral cortex tells them that we would feel worse if they don’t scream at us, harangue us, terrorize us verbally. The silent treatment is by far my favorite “you are a total asshole ” punishment. It’s even better than “I’m going out” because the only reason they are going out is to meet up with their girlfriends and hold a symposium on the best way to make you miserable when they come home.
5. ok, time for a serious one. When you argue don’t bring up the past. Everybody does this, and I just saved you a shitload of money on marriage counselling if you remember this one thing. And the living at seperate addresses one, and…forget it…just don’t bring up the past. The reason for this is simple. If YOU bring up the past the other party in the aforementioned argument will feel it is their constitutional right, and god given duty to blame you for everything that has happened on the planet since the rapture. It has been my fault that man evolved from apes, that cook county illinois politics is corrupt, that woodrow wilson was elected president, and that nagasaki and hiroshima were turned a sickly shade of gray. I also singlehandedly have destroyed the institution of marriage, made anyone who invested in Rum stocks rich beyond belief, and created a need for a humane society. When it comes to arguing I tend to get smoked because I get this incredulous look on my face, and can’t control my laughter.
6. understand that relationships are not fair. They were never meant to be. As a blogger I know once put it “i’m the girl.” nuff said, but I’ll say some more anyway, because thats kinda how I roll as my kids would say. If you need proof, here it is.
the only thing women need to learn to survive in a relationship is “the look.” Their mothers teach them this before they are 2, and every man on the planet knows the look I’m talking about. It has no variations, and no substitutes. On the other hand, men need to learn a myriad of things. Scheduling (to you young guys, be wrong by a day on this one and you will quickly learn that PMS means Perpetually Maniacal Spazz), psychology (how long can I lay here before she finally blows her grape and kills me for not mowing the lawn), and asskissing 101 to name just a few. Asskissing is an artform. Take the phrase “you’re right, I’m wrong, I love you.” It’s wonderful asskissing, but not if you’re smirking. Do not use “yes dear, no dear, whatever you say dear” if you are in a position where she can either see your eyes rolling, or you making that stroking gesture with your hand.
I have about a million more, but the reality is my blog is unlikely to survive that 7. The only real relationship advice is when you argue, and you will, keep it on point. This will keep you from saying something unforgiveable. oh, one more, “go get me a towel” is not post coital conversation, and kicking the cat off the bed is not foreplay..oh, and another….nah…i’m kiddin…
now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go contemplate how it is that I’m single