6 a.m. hateful

August 8, 2007

  I’m just not this morning so I’m going to quote maya Angelou and then go kiss a cat or some shit.

yeah right…in your dreams

have great days…kill no one…the bail requirements when you do are insane.


oh, quit sucking up

August 8, 2007

  I made the mistake of hitting the love tag.  Yeah, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking either.  I thought maybe a good article on tennis or some such.  What I got was an article about the beauty of women…well…i think that’s what it was about.  Aw hell, no I don’t.  This geek was trying to get chicksies to pay attention to him.  It worked to.  I now know exactly which line of bullshit to present when I wish to fake the babes out of their knickers.

Enough about asswind.  I’ve found through trial and error…and error…and error…that the only way I can deal with the female of the species is to treat them like anyone else.  Sure, they have breasts, but if you take away that one overriding and significant benefit they aren’t much different than any other human.   Don’t get me wrong.  Romance and all the fluffy shit that goes with it is alright, but you should never underestimate them.  i have some simple rules to live by when it comes to women.

1.  Get it yourself.  For whatever reason they assume that being your servant isn’t what they signed on for, and that gooey thing you just swallowed with your first sip of that beer could be anything.

2.  Don’t mistake kindness for weakness.  In fact, if you are getting kindness, and the situation does not merit it, find an exit, and evacuate as quickly as humanly possible.

3.  Never go to sleep before a mad woman.  I could regale you with oodles of good stories on how I came to live by this rule, but I’m going to let John Wayne Bobbitt do a guest blog to explain it.

4.  Don’t touch their diet coke…ever…i mean…EVER.  I don’t know.  I have it on good authority that it’s a no no.

5.  Expect the unexpected.  If their is one thing that you can be sure of it’s that your dumbass has no idea what she is thinking until she tells you.  Never say “what are you thinking.”  You will either be told if she wanted you to know she would be talking, or you will spend the next several hours wishing you had heeded my advice.

6.   Never talk about the relationship.  Take that in.  Ruminate on it.  now take several deep breaths, and take it in again.  This one is incredibly important.  Talking about your relationship is the death knell of it.  Fine, think you’re one of them enlightened guys like numbnuts I just read.  What you know about your relationship with her is as a tea cup next to an ocean by comparison to what she knows about her relationship with you. 

7. Allow her to pass through the kitchen, but otherwise make that your space.  If you do not you will end up eating all kinds of shit she found in a recipe book, and its bad for you.  Food is meant to be tossed together, spiced all to hell, and eaten.  If your plate has more than four colors on it you let her in the kitchen.

8.  Never ask her if it was good for her.  You might just have an honest woman laying there, and the answer could trouble you for years.  In this one instance, be introspective.  Figure out if it was good for you as you drift off to sleep.  No Talking.  It only leads to bad things.

9.  She is tougher, meaner, and smarter.  I don’t know why.  You’ve been reading this, you think I suddenly became Dr. Ruth since number 8?  All I know is that in matters of your relationship she is, and you might as well accept it.  Go golfing.  Arm wrestle over beers at O’malley’s.  I know your ego just took a hit but you’ll survive it.  Underestimate her once and your friends will be luaghing at you or pitying you for months.

10.  Don’t listen to me.  I don’t.  I can fuck up a relationship just by showing up.  Still, all ten of these will keep you from ending up like shit for brains.


The democrats had a forum

August 8, 2007

  Soldier field was never so dreary.  15,000 union members, well aware that the sun is setting on their way of life, hunkered down in Soldier Field to once again try to determine which candidate would screw them least.  There were no Republicans on the gridiron this hot August Day as the unions know that their “great white hype” will not have  “screw America’s middle class” conservative values.  Instead the table was set with a meager fare of left wingers and centrist liberals.  Like potatoes with no gravy this ass ugly crew of never done wells came to denigrate the intelligence of the American Worker, and deservedly so.

    Hearken back several years, and you will find that it was a Democrat (Bill Clinton) who signed into law one of the worst defeats ever for union labor.  We also joined the WTO under his administration, and Union membership and jobs have been declining drastically ever since.  Interestingly, the wife of that president was on this stage, and nearly half of her fellow candidates had voted for NAFTA and the WTO.

    So these downtrodden masses came to see if there was hope for an afterlife for American labor.  They left with T-shirts, and promises.  Promises that will be broken as soon as it becomes politically expedient.  Promises of Pension protection, universal health care, a rebuilding of American Industry; the list goes on and on, but the reality is it was a night for Snow White and the Seven Dorks to play dress up and hand out treats to the children.  Nobody present could possibly believe the lies they were told,  having been marginalized so often in the past by the party claiming to be for the working man.

   I said Seven Dorks because it was Kieth Olbermann who played moderator, and they couldn’t have found a wimpier guy for the task.  His actual cartoon character should be puss in boots, because he let the candidates walk all over him.

Dennis Kucinich sadly believes he has a chance.  He actually has a solid voting record in relation to union issues, and is possibly the most decent guy on that stage.

Bill Richardson went back to his style of reciting his resume, but he failed to mention his vote for NAFTA

John Edwards has done the legwork, but he comes off as so insincere that voting for him would be the equivalent of playing russian roulette.

Christopher Dodd was forceful, but has lost whatever charisma he had found over the last several weeks, and was all in all utterly boring.

Barack Obama is the George Bush of the left.  He can’t admit when he is wrong, even if the average 10 year old knows it.

Joe Biden was terrific.  When Kieth olbermann asked him if he would end no bid contracts and gave him 30 seconds to answer he said “yes.”  At least if he’s lying he kept it short.  Again, I could vote for this guy.

Hillary is going to be the Democratic nominee for president, but I think Joe Biden is a wiser choice for VP than Barack.  Barack needs weathering, and a better understanding of what it takes to be a player on a global stage.  The union folks for the most part didn’t seem to appreciate her all that much, but they no longer hold sway as they once did.


I Can Haz Cat Nuggets?

August 8, 2007

How funny. Suddenly my blog is being visited by the cat folk. You know who I’m talking about. The walleyed, semi-literate set that frequents I can haz cheezeburger. Its our equivalent of the animal section at hallmark cards. I know why they come here. It’s a masochistic desire to learn about their sickness. In our society its not enough to know that you’re sick. You have to know what other people think about your disease.  Before I start this I’d like to slip this link in.  The wiseasses over at Ration Reality did this a couple of days ago, and since you are cat folk, and I’m the sort that believes in feeding a habit,  kitty pictures linked to my posts.  I haven’t retaliated, so if anyone has a suggestion other than “kiss my ass” slip me a comment.  Go ahead you catheads, have a look then read on.

So in an effort to quash the unwanted visitation of what I can only assume are lesser life forms I will try my hardest to explain it again. You like cats. That’s right. That’s the genesis of your disease. Instead of using them as god intended you pamper them, and house them, and let them kiss your mouth. Have you ever watched a cat lick its balls? Or its rectum? Did he brush his teeth when he was done? No. He kissed you. He licked you on your now cats butt infested mouth.

It’s okay though. You’re not likely to die from letting a cat lick your face after he washes his bottom. Nor from allowing the scurvy little buggers to spray your house down every time they go into heat. Nor from them sharpening their claws on grandmas Chippendale chair. You will of course be pitied by members of society that understand the proper place of a cat. Next to the green beans. On a plate.

I can probably help you though you troglodytic cretins. Maybe you’re just ignorant. Maybe you just don’t know any better. If thats the case the following will help you out. I’ve listed several acceptable uses for cats/kittens that may help you stop prostating yourself before the feline demons.

1. With just a little duct tape.a kitten makes a great croquet ball.

2. Drivers education. Take your child out driving and award points for cats and kittens. If he gets a hat trick buy him a pizza.

3. one word    souffle’

4. writing a thesis paper. Its alleged that cats always land on their feet. Toss one off the hoover dam. Write about the results.

5. Fetch. Any dog can get a ball and bring it back to you. Toss a kitten. It will help keep your dog healthy.

6. Pull. Cats make great clay pigeons. You can’t use a normal trap thrower, but if you grab it by its tail and throw it like a discus they spin perfectly, and make a fine red mist when hit making it easy to keep score.

7. pinatas. rubber cement candy to your cat and hang him from the tree for your child’s birthday party. Not only do the children get rewarded when they hit it, but it makes an awful racket, saving you money on noisemakers.

8. slippers   this one is self explanatory. just hollow out the rotten little craphead and slip in your feet. nothing like warm fresh kitty slippers.

9. tired of kids running across your lawn? Kill a cat and put it on a stick. Works much better than a scarecrow for birds too.

10. dusting. Again, obvious. If you’re gonna let the little beast get furballs on your carpet its a tradeoff that you use him to dust the furniture. Besides, a healthy dose of pledge will cover its stench.

Now knowing as I do that merely by hanging out with a cat you have proven just how dumb you are I can’t see you taking my advice. Its ok. Just go clean out that stinking cat-box you servant.