more search engine terms.

August 24, 2007

  Haven’t done these in awhile.  Not for any reason, but I figure you deserve to know how people get here.  You read this schlock, now its time to find out which paths brought you to Criminies house of inane.

1.  what is a spooge monkey  –  Believe me when i tell you had I seen this one before I started the whole post would’ve been about it.

2.  Max Adams  –  proving that Max is more famous than I.  I get a Max Adams hit every day or so.  I think they’re looking for her ghost story, which I just linked you with part 2 of.  Yes, I could have linked you to part 1, but I’m not in the mood to make anything easy for anyone right now.

3.  He can convince anyone of anything  –  which links you directly to me…how cool is that?

4.  how to masturbate without touching  –  I’m virtually certain that though I am the worlds foremost authority on touchless masturbation  I have never written about it here. 

5.  abstinence diagram  –  I didn’t even know there was such a thing…a diagram for how not to do it…handy that.

6.  pendulous jugs   –   Bet they were upset when they got here instead of   I should do more nancy pelosi’s one quality feature posts i reckon.

7.   thongs of interest  –  I do one story about octogenarians wearing thongs and I’ll never live it down.

8.  how to pee  –  this goes in “I’d never think someone would need a search engine for this.”

9.  is obama part of skull and bones  –  He went to college? get outta town.

10.  hookers sucking dick  –  Swear to god, all you have to do is mention hookersi n one post and dick cheney in another, and voila…you get this stuff.

11.  because I said so lingerie  –  obviously looking for my retail site…you never looked so good as you would wearing your with footies criminy jicket teddy.

12.  rabbit lust  –  i get a lot of these…i know not why, but Roscoe is pushing for royalties.

13.  nuclear device advice  –  someone is obviously trying to get the feds to notice me…fuckers.

i left out most of the lust stuff…this isn’t a porn blog, and i left out most of the political ones, just cuz.

another write up; license revoked

August 24, 2007

     The week was about par for the course.  Massive progress on the baghouse, dastardly bout with dehydration, and written up today for speeding on a forklift.  I think I was doing like 8 in a 5.  Sometimes I forget I’m union labor, and put the job ahead of the pissant rules.  Well, today the safety manager saw me, and had a genuine conniption fit.

   Let me step back a minute.  Earlier this week I read that they found that the same virus that causes the common cold causes obesity.  Something about human stem cells turning to fat cells when contacted by the cold virus.  I mentioned this at work and so its become all the rage to ask people that are rotund if they aren’t feeling well.  This likely as not has something to do with my speeding ticket, as the midget that busted me is quite round.

   So anyway,  I’m sweating like a pig, and as I said flying down the main driveway at work.  I’d say my hair was blowing in the breeze, but I was doing 8.  It’s like 99 degrees, and this micro peckerhead comes out of his air conditioned office for the first time in at least two weeks and screams in his best falsetto for me to stop.  I hear what sounds like a bird being attacked with a weedwhacker, and fearing I have managed to run over something while doing 8 I stopped.  This allowed tiny mighty mo to take the 475 steps required to traverse the 20 or so feet between he and I.

    I get down off the lift, and remove my mask and hearing protection so that I can hear the banal crap spewing from his fat wobbling face.  He’s literally yelling incomprehensibly at me.  I hold up my hand in the international gesture to shut the fuck up, and for whatever reason he did so.  I then inquired as to whether he would like me to get him a step stool so he could scream at me face to face.  I’m not sure why but this appeared to push the pudgy little fellow from irate to livid, and with a loathsome squeal that I should not move he turned and sprinted as fast as his 18″ long legs would carry him back to his office where apparently he called my supervisor.

   My supervisor is not a bad guy, but I fear he is tiring of my unique ability to piss off anyone within a 50 foot radius.  He strides up with that long suffering look on his face and informs me that I shall now shut the hell up and accompany him to the little turds office.  I’m good with that.  I do that even. 

   The first words out of my bosses mouth when we walk in the office are “damn phil, are you not feeling well?”  I manage not to laugh, but the grin was unstoppable.  Apparently phil knew what that was all about, and asked me to “wait outside.”  Again, being the always eager to obey sort I did as I was asked.  I went outside, hopped on the lift, and continued doing what I was doing.  Apparently the weeble meant wait right outside his office, and this was made clear to me 1.5 hours later when I came down for break.  He never did give me a straight answer as to why he didn’t come get me.  Either his legs were to short for the stairs, or he knew I would throw him off.

   Anyway, to make a long story short I am no longer allowed to drive forklifts until I have undergone some “intensive retraining.”  This will occur when hell freezes over of course , because there is no way in hell that little cocksucker is getting me into a forklift driving class for doing 8 in a 5.