sunday is for random thoughts #7

1.  how can our congress hold the Iraqi government accountable for reaching benchmarks?  What exactly have they accomplished this year?

2.  The Beckhams are here.  Soccer still sucks, and we already had enough inane women in Hollywood.  I wouldn’t call it a lose/lose, but it certainly doesn’t change the status quo.

3.  over 11,000 citations have been written in Seattle using “red light cams.”  Big brother may not be watching you, but big traffic cop is.  Can we say “cash cow” boys and girls.  BTW, these are advocated by the insurance industry.  Accidents go down, your rates keep going up.  That is some cool business they have.  The city pays for the cameras, your tickets buy all kinds of new things that the police can violate your rights with, and auto insurance companies have to pay out less claims.

4.    Religion does not grant morality.  If you don’t believe me ask your priest to get off the altar boy so you can talk to him about it.

5.   Morality is not as fun as immorality, but you get to go to a mythical place when you die.  I’m going to o’malleys.  They are going to cremate me and lacquer my ashes into the bar.

6.  pomegrante Smirnoffs are quite the tasty libation.  If you feel a little gay drinking them,  throw the empties away in the neighbors trash, and not even your garbage man will know.

7.  I have lost 14 pounds since may with my new weight loss regimen.  It’s called “work.”  Pretty catchy, hunh?  It works as well as Alli and no pants crapping.

8.    I bought the new Harry Potter book yesterday.  It’s very disappointing.  I don’t like the cover art, and it weighs less than 5 pounds.  No, I haven’t started reading it yet.

9.   I woke up to the sound of roscoe banging his head against his water bottle.  Sooner or later I can drive anything crazy.

10.  Senator Feingold has proposed censuring Bush.  Only because proposing to beat him with a bat would’ve got him arrested.

11. I think Michael Vick is a real shithead, but I don’t think that a federal government that uses dogs to sniff out landmines has a lot of room to talk.

12.  You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead.  It’s just not proper, and they can’t hear you so you don’t get the joy of pissing them off. 

13.  Introspection is the root of all evil.  I’m going to contemplate that in terms of my own life for awhile, and then i’ll tell you why.

14.  Flooding in japan, texas, great britain, kansas, and all over south east asia in just the last month.  If I turn on the news I’ll bet I see Al Gore whining about the problem of Global Wetting.

15.   Ron Paul is now at 2% in the polls.  Throw in the margin of error and he is exactly where he was when his campaign started.  I’m betting his followers have a different take on this, but they have a different take on spaghettios, as well.

16.  I am pro spaghettio’s…in case you were wondering.

17.  If elections were held today it would be Hillary Vs. Rudy.  Why do I feel underwhelmed about the future?

18.  Don’t look now, but nothing has changed since last week, all the good intentions, bad events, and political posturing haven’t changed anything.  oh wait, I’m one book that I haven’t read richer.  Enjoy your week. 

Sunday is for random thoughts #4

1.   Doesn’t the latest terrorist failure in the British Isles make you wonder why it is that the mightiest nation on earth can’t whoop the Islamic version of the Keystone Cops?

2.   I always loved story problems in math.  This one shoud be on the SAT  If you leave los Angeles driving east at 65 MPH and another car leaves new york driving west at 65 MPH, how many licks will it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

3.  Barack Obama raised over $32 million dollars this quarter.  Proving you don’t need experience to run for president.  You just need a lot of stupid people with too much money to support you.

4.    Republicans won’t reveal their figures until this week.  Proving I suppose that The apple is faster than the abacus.

5.    these don’t seem random enough

6.   David Sedaris is the funniest homo to ever write a book.  Is homo still allowed or do I have to say heterosexually challenged individual?

7.   It’s unfortunate for Ron Paul that his supporters will not be allowed to vote hundreds of times in the primary.  Thats made him all the rage on web-based polls.  When the voting is real this guy won’t last through 5 states.

8.   In an effort to start feeding the hungry in impoverished areas of the world I intend to start promoting the cat as a viable food source on I can Haz cheeseburger.

9.  Hearing about Alli “treatment effects” senior management at Domino’s has begun a recruitment effort for the takers of this pill.  I believe its a cost cutting measure.  (don’t give me that look…I just got that off the wire…think it’ll change the taste of the pizza?)

10.   china” has begun a crackdown on political leaders that have mistresses.  Good plan.   The intent is to raise morality.  I bet it raises the divorce rate, and violence. 

11.   I wish they made an amnesia pill.  I’d take it even if it made you crap your pants.

12.  Roscoe can only see sideways.  Bet that would make driving a real bear.

13.  If your looking for work,  The government in India is looking to hire a “condom Man.”  I’m not sure if you have to be bald or not.

14.   it takes 20 hours to build a camry.  10 hours of that is painting.  It takes 164 hours to build a hummer for the military.  no painting included.

15.  if an ultra liberal and an ultra conservative had sex, what would the kid be?  It couldn’t happen.  Ultra liberals are all gay, and ultraconservatives don’t have sex.  Them not procreating is a good thing for the rest of us.  Kill off the “i’m to stupid to listen to reason gene,” maybe.

16.  I found a website that claims to contain (I didn’t check) women in my area that wish to have sex.  I’m not even going to get into the miracle of a midwestern woman that wants to have sex.  I’d just like to point out that this used to be what alcohol and badlines were used for.

17.  I just contemplated what my week at work is going to entail.  It’s the only thought that ever makes me look lovingly at the strychnine bottle.

18.  Based on what she licks my dogs favorite flavors are her butt and my chin.

19.  Ever notice that men who have daughters look older than men of comparable age that don’t?

20.  The world is an incredilby dangerous place.  That said, you are still more likely to die falling down than from all violent means combined.  I’m not sure how they score it if you fall down on a car bomb as you’re having your throat cut by a mugger.

21.  Have a good week.

Alli: my journey to thin

   Well, since I’m quite incapable of crossing a street without my peers pressuring me into it I came to try this little miracle pill later than most.  Meaning I wasn’t fighting off shamu and Dumbo the first night it was released.  I have to say though that it has made an incredible difference in my life, and I would love to share it with you.

Day 1.  I haven’t started taking it yet.  Instead I’m exercising like I’m training for the boston marathon.  I’ve already lost three pounds, but I’m not sure vomiting at the top of the hill I ran up counts.

Day2.  More exercise….more hurling.  I’ve changed my diet, cutting out the fatty foods, or rather limiting them to what is allowed in the recommended diet.   One cheese curl is harder than you think.  i’ve now lost five pounds

Day3.  I took the pill today.  I’ve gone through 4 sets of bottoms.  It was wise to buy a black T-shirt.  It goes with everything.  I have continued running and dancing and eating veggies. continuing to lose weight.

Day 4.  I’m now out of laundry.  I can’t get to the store because I have no pants, and the sight of my naked ass would definitely be considered lewd and indecent behaviour.  I also can’t run except to the bathroom.  No weight loss to report.

Day5.  The clothes issue has been resolved thanks to  my female boss who is going to fire me if I don’t get my pants shitting ass back to work.  The pantishields don’t bother me, but  the tampon lodged in my colon is going to be an issue.

Day6.  The tampon trick doesn’t work.  When it finally failed I shot it through the seam of a pair of blue jeans, the cubicle partition, and the plate glass window in her royal highnesses office.  She was not amused.  I have been terminated, and the cost of cleaning the oily rectal residue from the office will be remitted from my final check.  In an attempt to mitigate my despair I ate 7 double cheeseburgers and a quart of chocolate Haagen Daz.  Needless to say the technicolor explosion was a ghastly chore to clean up.  I can however now claim that all my undergarments are tie-dyed.  I gained back the weight I had lost, and now that I’m jobless I can’t afford anymore Alli.  Fortunately, I also can not afford food so I will get thin, just like the pharmaceutical folks claim

stumbling off toward armageddon

   Ted would be proud.  i used a biblicalish word.  This kind of ties in with all the posts I’ve written about alli and health, ron paul and insanity….er….states rights and why he won’t happen, and my occassional semi-dull normal discourses on politcs and history.  Ok, it probably won’t by the time I’m done here, but at least I pulled a good lie off in the first sentence.  Thats good writing.

    I’m not sure if its historically all that accurate, but I believe the funny little guys that talk to themselves and have incredibly boring symposiums have named a whole crap load of ages.  The bronze age, the iron age, the latex age(sextoys we’re perfected here…good stuff) and so on.  the only three I’m concerned with are the last three, which I’ve taken the liberty of naming quite creatively the transportation age, the communication age, and the information age.  Now these all overlap and there is quite possibly no scientific way of stating that these are even real ages.  It’s possible they all are, and someone else named them all way before me.  It’s not plagiarizing because I haven’t read anything heavier than Calvin and Hobbes in about three decades.  I just have to have names so I can whip out my conspiracy theory on how man in general has conspired to destroy everything, and how much fun I think its going to be.

authors note:  i”m not generally a conspiracy theorist.  In order to have a conspiracy you have to have a meeting of the minds between two or more individuals, and I’ve always been a little more than sceptical that you can randomly select two people that even have intellect.

    So anyway, sometime back around the stone age the automobile was invented  ( I don’t have a link.  Watch the damn flintstones if you don’t believe me). Tiring of using manpower, and beasts of burden to mobilize our conveyances some dude came up with the internal combustion engine. ( Oh shut the hell up…i know I skipped several stages.  I’m trying to keep this short and if you haven’t caught on yet I’m not exactly planning to seek peer review on this treatise). 

Ok, yaddayaddayadda, and so on and so forth and we get massive pollution from all these gas guzzling monstrosities used to transport one tiny not really all that necessary piece of human excrement hither and yon.  i’m back on track, lets go with it.  So we got pollution, and we got rich folks who are making a gazoodle of money off destroying the atmosphere.  I’m not really getting into a global warming thing here so if you turned off your favorite ultraliberal rant blog to read this take your al gore hugging ass back where you came from.  Pollution, bad air…lets move on to communication.

    this ones tougher because to give it any real play you have to cover such well known inventors and sodomites as al bell, sam morse etc.  I’m not going to.  I’m just going to point out  the end result.  We can criss cross the globe with our voices in nanoseconds linking anyone to anyone else quicker than a catholic nymphomaniac nun gets an orgasm from playing with her crucifix (woohoo….insulted the catholics…crosses it off my list).  Now we all know each other and aren’t we a great big full of shit happy new world order. We got black berries and cellphones and pagers are already outdated, and tom tom’s (i dated suesue….not bad, but she kept telling me where to turn).  shooot tomtom’s come next.  I’m not moving it.

    Bring on the information age.  little cards that dump everything we do into massive computers in the basement of the state department.  New technology that can rape every bit of info off the pictures we store online.  Virtual reality becoming so real I can masturbate without touching myself.  (I’d put another woohoo here, but I kind of enjoy the physical intimacy I bring to the table).

   So, we now have an environment fast becoming so intolerable that we are only going to  be able to spend moments a day outside without proper protection.  By that I mean big reflective space man suits.  A trip to the market will cause melanoma.  Communication devices that can send almost any type of information we want anywhere, and information devices so complex and complete that we can take a trip to the Great wall of china without ever leaving the living room.

We’ve decided to destroy everything so we have a reason to stay home. so that we don’t have to interact.   Well, not all of us.  i think its all a right wing conspiracy. 

We’re much easier to control if we can’t be outside, and in order to keep us in we need the means to communicate, and information to entertain. Virtual reality will replace the family vacation, and the blow up rubber love doll i have in the…..er well, it will be replaced by some 12million gigabyte hobag that would make a phillipino hooker blush.

Fucking republicans.  Anything to keep us from screwing.

the link to the story about the photgraph comment.  I find this perilously close to corporations overstepping their bounds, but I’m not all that fond of you tube either…thanks for the link amuirin.

I’m not sure what any of the above says.  i gotta stop chasing my tequila with vicodin

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/129

why no pictures?

cuz

any other questions?

   I don’t steal much around the web…occassionally a list or a paragraph to pass along to the masses, but for the most part it isn’t my thing.  I write here.  Thats what you’ll find.  Day in and day out.  Same ol shit

Truthfully,  I don’t even write here.  I just drain off the overflow here.  It’s what the place seems to be for.  Like flushing the toilet.  It has to go somewhere.  So when I get twisted around a phrase or word I wish to use, and its not working for me; I come here and waste a few minutes on things of little real import.  I mean, how many thousand blog posts before you know all you will ever wish to know about Ron Paul?  I knew before I wrote the first, and I’ve only read maybe two or three because the style was catchy.

Alli?  total waste of time.  the people dumb enough to take something that will make them shit like they’re having a bad morning in Mexico are going to, and all the reasonableness and inflammatory castigation will not change that.

Writing?  That’s not really done here.  Blurting happens. bad haiku’s and limericks abound.  The occassional sonnet that was written on the roll of toilet paper in a truck stop in Oklahoma City appears, and then in a day is gone like a puff of smoke from a bong some clown was using prior to writing it/plagiarizing it.

Writing?  lets say 1000 blogs out of a million have honest to god writing.  i see tons with proper punctuation.  Several wth good sentence structure.  quite a few world class spellers around, and a couple of grammatical geniuses.  Have i mentioned alliteration? lost art that.  Of those 1000 50 also have an original thought, some devious little thread of conversation to pull you in and torment your mind for a few minutes.

Writing?  I’d say 50.  50 writers.  a million plus people running their mouths via keyboard, and 50 talented writers.  Thats really not bad.  I haven’t read the grapes of wrath hear yet, and I may never read another i have no mouth and I must scream if i live to be a million.  The simple fact that the potential is out there is enough to make me write.

no, not here.  What I write is mine.  This schlock?  This is my one method of feeling like a herd animal.  A grazing unfulate being fattened on good grass for the slaughter.  Me and the other million lemmings crashing headlong toward a cliff called utter disappointment.

  Someone told me make your blog welcoming, don’t say anything to caustic or inflammatory.  Don’t poke sacred cows. (cliff, its sound advice…i don’t wish to be popular though)  this guy is in my blogroll….he is one of the 50

then why write?

just some Ideas

1  Now that she’s free, Paris Hilton should announce on Larry King Live that she will follow in the footsteps of Mother Teresa, but with a twist.  Her mission shall be to give driving lessons to itinerant millionaires.

2.  Rosie O’donnel should sign with MSNBC.   She should host a talk show on conservative christian values that could compete with the 700 club on daytime TV.  I’ll be at work.

3.   Now that a massive forest fire is threatening the ritzy Lake Tahoe area, I think they should start talking about how forest fires are natural and healthy for the environment more.  Let this one burn for awhile.  The area has an infestation of multimillion dollar homes that need to be removed anyway.

4.  As much as I hate to agree with the militiamen…Ron Paul IS being ignored by the media.  He would get more press if he’d just listen to me and get a boobjob.

5.  Anyone notice how there have been an awful lot of riots in Europe over the last few years?  If thats what being more civilized is all about I’ll pass.  They should act more like us.

6.  In telling the tale of Roscoe’s love affair with my foot I received several anecdotes from others that lead me to believe that not only are rabbits liberals, but they are Bill Clinton liberals.

7.  Tom Cruise wants to make a movie about Adolf Hitler.  Now, considering he is a scientologist, I think he should attend the premiere.  Maybe in Jerusalem? or Tel Aviv?

8.  I think someone should slip Alli into the next congressional luncheons main course.  It may turn the Potomac orange, but I think it would be worth it when you consider all the useless crap it would purge.

author’s note:  This is a work of at best dubious humor.  I do not now, nor have I ever advocated committing felonies against the leadership of the united states.

I’ve recommended they be exiled, but that’s as far as I go.  I’m not a Ron Paul follower for gosh sakes.

9.  While I hate to pile on, Dick Cheney should get off the high horse he is on, and obey the presidential directive.  Instead he is accusing the democrats of playing politics, and they are.  Just once Dickhead, er, I mean Dickless, no thats not it either.  Uh just plain dick…just once, be the bigger buttmunch, and cave.

10.  I need Ted Kennedy to tell me what the right thing to do is?  Get outta town.  We Talking Ted, I got drunk and drove my car into the water at Chappaquiddick killing a young woman, and have never had to pay any price for this crime Ted Kennedy?  Why the hell do those Idiots in massachusetts vote for this murderer?  He is the proof beyond any other except that rascist former KKK clown Robert Byrd that our system is fatally flawed.  Both democrats.  A racist and a drunken murderer…and they call conservatives bad people.  thats nervy.

Headlines I’d like to see

Violent Lesbian Gang Attacks Rosie O’Donnell As She Cheers Them On

Ron Paul Eaten By Cannibalistic Militiamen in Wyoming, federal government says it has no jurisdiction

President of GlaxoSmithKline Defecates Himself to Death After Taking Alli

Paris Hilton Requests to Stay in Jail; Cites Privacy Issues

In The Interest Of Fairness, Congress Outlaws Heterosexual Marriage

In Exchange For 12 Million Illegal Immigrants Washington D. C. Ceded To Mexico

France Has Become….no, I can’t…to ez.

Hillary Elected President: Rest of World Dies Laughing

Intelligent Human Found Writing Blog: World Wide Web Shutdown in Alarm 

Dick Cheney Declared Big DooDoo Head By Congressional Leader Nancy Pelosi; in related story, bra strap breaks and kills three

Alli, Ron Paul, and the blog week

  Well it was kind of an interesting week here in criminyland.   I learned a bit, laughed a bit, and deleted a hell of a lot of comments.  I want you to know if you are one of those I deleted, it was either you were not creative enough in your profanity, not strident enough in your zealotry, or my dyslexic fingers hit the wrong little circle.  Asta, Brian, my disloyal fingers kept your snarky remarks from appearing on the August pages of this blog.  My apologies.

   I feel I should clarify one more time since it apparently hasn’t manged to insinuate itself through the layers of fat surrounding the frontal lobes of my Alli readers.  Nothing that makes you shit yourself in public is worth doiing this to yourself.  Try to liken it to what Angelina Jolie and Meg Ryan have done to their lips.  It won’t make you better.  It’ll just make more people point to your ass and whisper.  While I agree being overweight is a mojor health issue facing our nation, I can’t help but feel the feeding frenzy I’ve seen over this drug is 90% cosmetic.  I get it.  Your self esteem sucks because you are over weight right? Wrong.  You care so much about what society thinks that you feel bad about yourself. Get over it.  Nothing wrong with a few  rubenesque curves.   The anorexic look so touted by hollywood and the new york runways is not all that attractive.  I suppose homosexual pedophiles find it appealing, but we have congress and prison for people like that.  Good luck on your weight loss, and quit thinking there is a safe easy way to do it.

   I’ve posted some well thought out comments by Ron Paul fans.  I’ve also thrown out several pabst induced diatribes of no social merit.  I found this site to be well written, though I disagreed with him quite strenuously

http://www.dissidentvoice.org/2007/05/why-the-employees-free-choice-act-must-be-stopped/

He proves all ron paul fans are not imbeciles.  another site worth a look is  http://ladyliberty.wordpress.com/

another Ron Paul fan is Ms. Liberty, and if you like the little video clips she’s good for it.

   On the funny front, you really need to take a look at this fella.  http://misterpeace.wordpress.com/  He takes a look at a lot of things from daily life and puts a smile on the face of em.

    For all my liberal friends, and for you conservatives that can laugh at yourself I found a blog that is quite informative.  The only problem you’ll have is if you’re thin skinned.  They put blood in the water early and often in the comments sections.  Asta starts with verbal evisceration  and works backwards from there….fun place  http://whitenoiseinsanity.wordpress.com/

   Out of the blog I managed to get in a late night poker game the other night.  My ride arrived at 10:30 pm saying I don’t knw what that funny thumping sound is.  Amazingly, and you’ll want to know this for future reference, when the air goes out of one of your tires it doesn’t improve the smoothness of the ride.  by the time I fixed it and we drove to the poker game it was almost 1a.m. and the other pasteboard combatants were well and truly drunks.  Here’s another tip.  If you play for money…play against drunks.  Its not even gambling.  I won a little over 100 bucks in about an hour and a half.  Nothing like stealing money from your acquaintances to make you feel good about yourself.

  The horseback ride lasted several hours longer than I preffered.  We had 23 people.  20 of which had never even put a saddle on a horse before.  Add to that it was raining, and my horse despising ass was one unhappy fella.  The horse I was given was named insaba oton which is some indian dialect and means i will smash your head with my hooves and grind your bones to mush as i stomp on your worthless human corpse.  Ir wasn’t even really a horse.  I’m almost certain it was a detusked elephant.  I don’t know if you know this or not, but when a horse won’t take the bit, they have this little pliers doohickey…i think its called a snaffle.  Anyway, you squeeze there upper lip with it and twist, thereby making the horse open its mouth.  Didn’t work with mine.  Whatever synapse was supposed to occur misfired and it made the equine godzilla stand up. I being of good character and having a pure heart was unafraid, and refused to let go.  This friggin throwback wooly mammoth lifted me 4 feet off the ground.  With his lip.  I spent the remainder of the day bouncing around in abject terror on the  back of dumbo, and plotting revenge on gordon. 

    That was the good part of the weekend.  The bad part is coming up.  I have to take my daughter to the mall….clothes shopping. ” i would rather die a thousand deaths.”  Robert E. Lee’s words fit nicely I think.

p.s.  I didnt see the words “uber” or “plethora” on any blogs I went to.  Proving bloggers can be taught.

Alli’s revenge….what a friday

   Wow, nice mouths.  I thought the Ron Paul fans were bad, but you people take the golden gnu’s ass when it comes to attack profanity.  A bit more creativity is in order, and I really was only trying to voice a warning to all the idiot – grab – the – first – box of any new diet drug types.  I posted the comments from those of you who could maintain some level of maturity, and for the rest of you may you crap like a christmas goose at church this sunday.

     To clarify for the Ron Paul heathens.  I’m not anti- Ron.  I’m stand up and be accountable for your votes Ron.  I’m quit claiming to be a libertarian when your record says otherwise Ron.  I’m piss off the Ron Paul followers Will.  you just have to hope the little guy can hang around long enough to keep shaping the conversation.

   Did anyone notice that China has passed the U.S in carbon dioxide emissions?  Supposedly it has to do with them making more concrete.  I think it has to do with their economy is on full overload, and nobody on the planet seems to give a damn if they abide by the same rules as the rest of us.  Let me hear a long loud rousing rant against China from anyone.  Not gonna happen.  Why?  Because it is politically incorrect to say something bad against the worst violator of every international agreement on anything from the environment to trade.  C’mon Al Gore.  Pay your 20k electric bill, hop a private plain, and go chew some chinese ass.  It sucks when someone screws up and you can’t blame it on George Bush doesn’t it?

stay tuned.  We’ll cover union business in a little bit.

alli, alli, alli

just had to post one more time.  Sorry for the title muhammad A.

I do not dislike fat people.  I know several of them and if we are ever invaded by cannibals I am going to be tickled to have them around.

I do dislike stupid people.  I don’t put their comments up on my blog unless they are at least entertaining. Ok, if you can cuss me out with style you also get put up.

That being said, say whatever you wish.  If you’d eat a carrot instead of a twinkie, and take a walk instead of lodge yourself on that overworked couch you would lose weight.  I’m sorry if you think its in poor taste that I’m recommending people buy shares in kimberleyclark, and I’m sorry if you think its in poor taste to talk about laughing at chubola’s that crap their pants at the mall because they took the lazy way out

Just kidding…I’m not sorry at all.

Authors note:  Alli may very well be a great drug.  I have already mentioned that if your obesity is a medical condition, or the result of a medical condition go speak to your doctor.  My complaint is along the lines that some teenage girl weighing 92 pounds that is convinced she’s fat will be mainlining this crap, and our pharmaceutical companies don’t give a damn.