Because it happened to be occurring at the time I generally rise anyway, I slipped on some shorts and wandered barefoot over to the golf course to check out the moon. I’d received a text message telling me I ought, and had decided last night if I didn’t wake up late I would. this is what happens when you ignore your instincts. The text message was from an ex and said something about “go look at the fucking moon asshole” or some such.
My heart was warmed by this poignant prompting, and being obstinate I almost went and took a good healthy shit in rememberance of the relationship. Instead, because I actually wanted to see it I did so. It was a moon. It was hard to see because it was in its fully eclipsed phase, and as noted at 6 a.m., blue. As I was returning to the house I noticed something dark on the steps. It wasn’t big enough to be a corpse, so with my disappointment already upon me, I tried to make out what it was.
It was a cat. A kitten rather. A furry little puntable puffball of a kitten. I’m not a cat fan. I nudged it with my foot to push it off the steps, and the feral little fuck reared back and hissed at me. In the best of times I’m not a particularly pleasant person, and in the morning I make Genghis Kahn look like a girl scout. Had this thing been human it would’ve been soundly smited and sent packing. Since it wasn’t, I went ahead up the steps and into the house. My screen door tends to close at whatever speed the wind dictates, and I’m not particularly inclined to turn and close doors. They close or they don’t, it’s all up to them.
When I finished the morning blurb, bath, and beyond I returned to the living room to do the animal things. Water the dog, feed the dog, water the rabbit, feed the rabbit, water the cat….what the hell is that thing doing in here? Apparently the cursed little dung beetle had followed me in, and was all curled up next to Roscoe. I reached down with ill intent, but as i tried to return it to its natural habitat (anywhere but my home) Roscoe started grunting at me. Not his high pitched I want to bump uglies with your ankle growl, but rather these almost nurturing sounds. I took a closer look at the kitten, and noticed that it was that blueish black color. I like to think of it as necrotic.
Each time I tried to extricate the kitten from Roscoe’s clutches he started with the grunting nonsense. I decided to hell with it and went to work, where around nine a.m. I broke my finger, and just after lunch pulled a muscle in my chest. Add to this the determination as to when I would take my forklift training, and the general all around ignorance of the workforce, and it was not a good day. I did get the east end of the baghouse done, so at least it was productive.
I drove home in one of them funks that has you cussing at everyone going slower than you for being an idiot, and everyone going faster than you for being a maniac. Don’t lie…you’ve been there. I’d forgotten about the cat. Apparently he had forgotten about me as well, for when I walked in and headed for my flop zone the mangy little hair merchant was on my couch. I didn’t see him, and the yowl eminating from him when my oversized ass landed on his microscopic body was in direct contradiction to the laws of probability. It rattled the windows. I was fairly impressed.
Cats, being spawns of satan, are incredibly hard to damage, and this one wasn’t injured. I still felt bad, so I let it hang around. Then my daughter came in. Squealing with delight she snatched it up , and spent the next several hours doing the can we keep it thing.
I now have a cat. I blame it for the eclipse, the finger, and any other damn thing that went wrong today anywhere on the planet. It’s name is general Tso’s kitten. laugh fuckers. The first time I smell cat in my house it will be general tso’s kitten, and my daughter will be in a convent.