Dad of the year

my son comes home and says “dad, I caused a car accident,” with a big smile on his face.  Regardless of the circumstances, that’s not a nice combination.  I asked anyway.  “I was walking down the sidewalk, and this woman drives by, and she’s got this rubberneck thing going on staring at me. Then wham, she plows right into a pickup from behind.”  “was anyone hurt?”  “nope.  I went over and checked.”  I’m pleased he went to check, but damn his ego is going to be hard to fit in the house.

son #2 comes home.  He says “Dad, I need to talk to you.”  My mind screams “uh oh.”  My mouth says “go ahead.”  Well, I really like my best friends sister, and you know more about this kind of thing than Zach, so what should I do.”

“well, first you should be a better judge of what others know,” says I.  I know almost nothing about women, and the only moderately successful relationship I’ve ever had ended in death.  “well Zach just said “bros before ho’s.”  (can you do that with quotation marks? who cares? So I said “no man who has succeeded in a relationship has lived by that addage since we were writing on caves with dung.”  “well, what should I do?”  “whatever you decide.  Let me know how it works out.”

Daughter comes home.  “dad, can I have $20 to go to the movies with Kelsey?  Her mom says she’ll go with us.”

Sometimes daughters are the easy ones.

the term is blithering idiots

  and i have spent my day inundated with them.  A veritable cornucopia of nitwits, knaves, and thieves is what I have spent my day with.

so I came here.  It should be so much better.

What did Uncle Sam do for you this week?  Well, for whatever reason he thinks he did $427.00 worth for me.  I’m trying to calculate what that is.  There wasn’t a quarter pound of decent bud in the mailbox from congress, and I know those burnouts get the good stuff.  George didn’t send me tickets to see cirque du soleil and a gift card for Ruth chris.  The roads suck, the schools suck, the health care sucks, and anything the government touches sucks so what the hell are they doing with my money?  I didn’t include the state, the medicare, the local, or any of the other gimmee your moneys, just the federal.  It’s hard not to want Ron Paul for president to be honest.  Just for the alleged tax decrease.

then I went to the bank.  What is in the mind of young women?  Do they really think flirting with someone old enough to be their dad is professional behaviour?  And why the hell do they try to count when they lack a talent for the art, and the damn number comes right up on their little cash register anyway?  Here’s a tip to CSR’s.  Be polite.  Do your job.  Shut the hell up.  I’m not interested in anything you have to say.  If I want conversation I’ll wander over to O’malley’s and buy a round.

   Bills bills  bills.  I really don’t mind this.  I do it every couple of months whether they send a reminder or not. I don’t have any truly extraneous ones, except of course  from rentasasquatch.com.  As sex toys go they aren’t bad, and they make a decent maid if you don’t want fine detail work accomplished. 

The dumb kid question of the day: Dad, can I have $200.00?  the dumb dad question of the day “for what?”   “I need some shoes”     “No”  The reason my question was dumb is because unless he found a way to stop world hunger with $200.00 he wasn’t getting it.  He has set a new standard in lazy this summer, and I’m a little worn with it.  Hookers and politicians show more ambition to work than this child that thinks he’s a man.  His excuse is a good one.  “I don’t want to work. I’m 17.  It’s my last summer off.”  I’d fall for it, but if i do he’ll end up saying “I’m 27, it’s my last summer off” someday.

    Roscoe pulled an okie doke on me.  I couldn’t find him when I got home.  My first thought was “oh no, my porn.”  Er, erotica.  Then I remembered its online, and i went phew.  Then I started looking.  I checked the places I hoped he’d be first.  He wasn’t on a plate on the table with greens, he wasn’t in the freezer, and he wasn’t in a pan on the stove.  Hopes dashed, I continued to seek the furbag for about 20 minutes.  When I left this morning I hung the towel on the hook on the bathroom door as always.  Gravity, as always dashed my wishes, and Roscoe decided under that towel was a great place for a nice quiet nap.  He has to nap during the day.  If he doesn’t he will fail to wake me up every hour on the hour just to see what’s up.  At least I hope thats why he slams his head into my resting place.  He could be testing the structural integrity.  One of these days it will collapse and i will become a love toy for a lagomorph.

The neighbor.  I despise him like I despise sweaty testicles, pauliacs, and chihuahua’s.  His ignorant bald  lazy ass has something to say everytime I drive up.  Today it was your dog was barking with a scowl on his face, and an insolent tone in his voice.  I finally decided to hell with it.  I walked around the fence and I proceeded to beat the holy living shit out of him.  Once I finally beat him onto the ground I commenced kicking him in every vital organ i could think of…ok, I didn’t, but while he yammered on about the trauma caused by my dogs five minutes of barking I did visualize that scenario.

I ended up just ignoring his dumb ass and walked into the house.  I haven’t mentioned work.  The reason for that is i might not maintain anything that resembles sanity if i write about it.

so how was your day?

I’ve nothing to write about

  well, i was going to write, but it just isn’t there.  Big surprise.   My mind is on the coming bar-b-q, drinkathon, fireworks extravaganza, and keeps being invaded by random dumbness.  I have maybe 20 good ideas a day on what to write about, but I only have them when I’m not in the vicinity of anything to write with.  If a tool for communication is present i have all the creative ability of an oyster.  Which is I why I keep dropping all these pearls on the three of you.

    Does Great Britain get pissy and plot revenge on the fourth of July?

    Do liberal females support islamic radicals because Burkha’s look so comfortable?

    I know its not commonly known, but freedom of speech goes hand in hand with the freedom to STFU.

    Do personal attacks bother you?  When someone attacks my person I generally go clip my toenails. 

    Have you ever been in a bar, half drunk and thought “there is no one in this whole place that I’m going to sleep with tonight?”  

    me neither

    when your phone rings do you find yourself sneaking up on it hoping the call isn’t from you know who?

    when you get in your car do you feel sexier, or does that just happen to bald fat middleaged men driving vettes?

    How mad would you be if you found out that vegetables being healthy was just a government disinformation    campaign designed to help out farmers?

    Have you ever been talking to someone, and out of the blue you think “i’ve finally found my soulmate?

    Have you ever been right?   again, me either

     If it wasn’t for my children I would likely be rich, incredibly adventurous, and very unhappy.

     there are exactly 7,436,519 reasons why men and women should not live in the same house.  Yet they still persist in this insanity.

     they keep making gadgets that will make my life easier.  All I want is something that will bend over for me.  that I could use.  Nope, its not a feature on the Iphone so I will never own one.

     If being poor isn’t fun why are so many people poor?

     to my liberal fan base:  If George Bush is so stupid, how did he beat Al Gore and John Kerry?  I mean, if they’re the best and the brightest the liberals have to offer, how did a dumbie get the job meant for them?

      If you ever have a few minutes to kill, and your ignorant about what the fight against islamic fundamentalism is all about…type the words “sharia law” in your browser window.  No, don’t bother.  you’re funner when you don’t know what the hell you are talking about.

      I have ribs marinating, rum and tequila cooling, and my neighbors expecting our attendance at the usual 4th of july get together.  

    Thank god i have rum and tequila cooling.  Inebriation is the only thing that makes neighbors tolerable.

     My son just woke up.  Had I ever slept past noon my father would have…well…it’s why I call him father, and not dad.

    Happy fourth of july.  May the freedom we cherish be recognized as something others fought and died for. 

    

   

    

when you die, can I have your stuff?

I was awakened this morning by my sorry excuse for a menagerie; Roscoe the wonder bunny, and Mollie the mooch. Roscoe is of course a rabbit, and Mollie is part cocker spaniel part poodle bag of fur representing as a dog. I let them wander at night because something about the sound of my possessions being destroyed helps me sleep better. They were standing side by side with their front feet on my blankets. I’m not sure if they were contemplating my demise, but if Roscoe wants me dead Mollie is to big a chicken not to be a co-conspirator.

Have you ever seen a rabbit glaring balefully at you? Its not a pleasant experience. Particularly upon awakening from what can only be described as a persistent vegetative state. Mollie of course was smiling. Its the only expression she has. Whether she is sitting in a mud puddle (her favorite torment), or lying sprawled in overheated misery on the carpet, she smiles. This was even more disconcerting. It was like a mafia hit man grinning as he puts two in your forehead. I’m not sure what was bothering them, but it started my day all wrong.

I spent the day preoccupied with death. My preoccupation was interrupted intermittently by thoughts of rabbit stew, and poodle on a stick. I’ve done it before, but this is the first time it was brought on by two quadrupedal fluff merchants that depend on me for their existence. Man, they get no food tonight.

I’m like, really old, so I have some experience with the tender ministrations of Ms. Death. I know death is female because a male can’t carry a grudge like that. I’ ve lost a sibling, a parent, and oodles of other relatives, to say nothing of the multitudes of friends, workmates, and every other sort of ilk. You never become inured to it, but you learn to cope, and assimilate the lessons learned into how you view death.

I’m personally not looking forward to it. Not so much the death itself, but the manner thereof. I’m absolutely certain at this point that i don’t wish to be tender vittles for a mutt and an overgrown rodent. I can almost hear them discussing whether I was breathing or not. I also don’t wish to pull one of those long, drawn out, see what the doctors can do to keep the carcass among the living deaths. I think if I had my druthers I’d be run over by a fat Bulgarian driving a Snapple truck.

Maybe the next worst thing is the aftermath. You know. what happens after my soul leaves its dessicated, crusty, shrine to the fallibility of the lord our god, Theodore. I named god Theodore. I have the right. I call him Ted when I ask him to hold my coat. I figure since he can’t seem to do anything about famine, war, and genocide I should find a use for him.

So on to the aftermath. What happens after. Generally after we die one of our loved ones calls the mortuary, and our body is prepared for the great beyond. They suck all our fluids out, and pump us full of embalming fluids so that our corpse doesn’t rot and smell up the funeral.
The funeral is generally the next step. This is a get together of those who knew us, and depending on their feelings toward us they are wondering what they were left, if they look fat in this dress, or if the dearly departeds spouse is back on the market, or if a mourning period will ensue.
The next step is to send the remains to the great hereafter. All cultures approach this differently, but an almost universal part of this is wondering whats going to be for lunch after. Be it a flaming barge, cremation, burial, or some other form of interment, disposing of carcasses is hungry work. Also thirsty. I hope my funeral has a free bar.
Whilst all this hoo haa is going on, the dearly departed is faced with an important decision. The dead have a choice. They can either come back to earth in another form (without knowing what that form will be), or they can spend eternity Throwing darts at O’malleys Pub and Eatery. As for me, I’m throwing dartsI already know about the great supreme poobah’s sense of humor vis a vis yours truly, and have no intentions of spending a life time as a rat in a fertilizer factory. He doesn’t care for the hold my coat joke.

So why that title? I came home from golfing one afternoon, and my son was admiring my golf clubs. He was 5 at the time. He came over to me, and with a very serious look that reminds me of the one Roscoe was packing this morning asked me “If you die, do I get your stuff?” Sure kid. Everything but the darts. I’ll be needing those.

this was previously published, but was burned in a purge…i had a request, so bear with me

sunday is for random thoughts #3

1.  Imagine my chagrin when I started to listen to classical music and found out it was played on all my favorite cartoons.

2.  Horse tastes a lot like cow.

3.  We should ban all hunting.  it is much more fun to watch animals die of starvation and disease caused by overpopulation.

4.  I wish the government would let me pick what to spend the 1 out of 3 dollars of my earnings that they snatch from me on.  I’d buy a bomb for fallujah.

5.     Droopy, woody woodpecker, and atom ant could so kick sponge bob’s, dexter’s, and chuckie’s asses.

6.    If you treat everyone the way they treat you, you will spend a lot of time alone.

7.  The blog definition of troll is “someone who doesn’t agree with every idiotic thing you think.”

8.  80 American soldiers have died in Iraq in June.  I have no idea how many have died in car accidents, in gun violence, in domestic situations, of diabetes, of cancer, of cirrhosis, of suicide, of drug overdoses, of neglect, of starvation, in work related accidents, or simply by falling.  While all of these are certainly higher numbers, no news organization see’s fit to give me a daily count.

9.    John Stewart and Stephen Colebert have exactly the same reasons to lie to us a Wolf Blitzer and Storm Davis.  They get paid based on popularity.

10.   Cynicism is the commingling of intellect and experience.  If you aren’t cynical you lack one or the other.

11.   Never loan someone money.  If you care enough to loan it to them give it to them.  It saves a lot of frustration.

12.   A loyal dog is a better companion than a disloyal mate.

13.   I’m not sure what that is, but I have an incredible desire to dip my scrotum in it.

14.   If you took the collective good deeds of all the candidates for president and put them in a pile, and then took the net worth of the same group….which would you rather leave to your children?

15.  You have it real good if you’re one of the millions that spend time at work doing non-work oriented things on your computer.  Any reasonable boss would fire you.

16.   You will sometime in the future be lied to by a friend, cheated on by a mate, disrespected by your progeny, or abused or neglected by those who are responsible for your care.  Ain’t life a bitch?

17.   working hard is not half as prosperous as screwing people over, but you can look at yourself in the mirror without saying “damn I’m good.”

18.  Don’t be so angry, so hurt, so despondent.  Doin’t let others change how you see yourself. Don’t join the herd of lemmings you see crossing before you, and never doubt your ability to make a difference.  Now get the hell out of here.  I’m out of random thoughts for today.

postscript:  don’t forget to contact your congresman at  

http://blog.aflcio.org/   Ron Paul and most other conservatives voted against it, meaning it has to be good for working americans.

Things I know nothing about

     I know.   You’re thinking I could just type the word everything, and it would be hard to dispute.  This may be true, but in keeping with my policy of trying to never make any real contribution to the human race, I think it best if I elaborate a little.  It will take more time, and will therefore ensure that I accomplish nothing worthwhile for a longer period of time.

women:  surprised?  I don’t know anything about them because I make no effort to distinguish between genders when it comes to how I view my fellow man.  I’ve heard all the reports about how womens brains work differently, and I confess I find that fasscinating.  Not fascinating enough to put down my Pabst or my crossword puzzle, but fascinating.  As far as opinion goes, and I don’t claim this to be knowledge, I find them to spend entirely to much time thinking with their vaginas, always needing help carrying heavy things, and all around poor conversationalists unless you talk about what they wish to talk about.  They are also fun to look at, and from what I hear are necessary for the procreation of the specoes.  Hopefully science can make that last one untrue in the near future.

wine:  Ah yes, the fruit of the grape.  Who cares.   Overrated.  When I want a drink I don’t wish to “let it breathe”.  I also prefer that it not taste like a herd of wildebeests just urinated in my mouth.  Thousands to choose from, made all over the globe, and still not one that can replace a decent rum and coke.  Of course, it does give the obnoxiously narcissistic something to lord over the waiter, so its not a totally worthless product.

cigars: legend has it that the reason cigars from cuba are better is because they are rolled between the thighs of virgins.  No kiddin?  So rolling something between the thighs of a virgin upgrade it from “noxious” to “holy shit that thing stinks?” Nice upgrade.  I’m not anti-smoking so this isn’t some prima donna rant, but who  in their right mind would put anything that smells like that in their mouth?  Cigar smokers are quite possibly also the people sneaking around eating the dog shit left in my yard by the mooch.

Children:  I’ve raised three now, not all the way to the age of maturity, but damn close, and i still can’t figure em out.  What do they need all that money for?  When I was their age it was for dope and pussy, but they don’t come home high, (trust me, I’d know).  Which makes me fear for the virgin status of every girl between 12 and 20 living within a 10 mile radius.  Lord knows they spend enough to have accomplished a genghis kahn style pillaging of the entire city.  Do kids really think shoes make them cool? And tell me, how do you run from the cops with your britches cinched around mid-thigh?  The daughter is even harder to figure out, and keeps me so flabbergasted I can’t even speak on it.

I was gonna add love to this list, but I know all I need to know about that.  If a person has to change, then I don’t love them.  If I have to change…then they can kiss my rosie red sphincter.

Dad, can I join the military?

     I  know its unpopular to say, but most people in America we’re hoisting the flag, and rattling there sabres when we went off to bash the heathen muslims. I wasn’t. It wasn’t out of some humanitarian hand wringing impulse, but self serving as hell. I have a son that was 13, and I knew, yes knew, that we would still be there when he turned 18. Which happens soon.Today that son asked me how I felt about him joining the military. It seems the pied pipers of bloodshed and gore were at his school. I don’t have any particular problems with recruiters, except they talk about college tuition, exciting travel opportunities, and not the incredible drudgery of garrison life, or the horrific trauma of their stock in trade. Thats called salesmanship, and hearkening back to my last post, well, for lack of a more accurate description,disingenuous.

So I sat and discussed it with my eldest progeny. I explained what a green stick fracture was, and how to apply a tourniquet to what remains of the leg of your best friend. I waxed nostalgic about the sound a bullet makes as it pierces the flesh of a human being lying next to you, or the pitiful moans a grown man makes when he knows he’s hit bad and isn’t going to make it. Not the “tell susie I love her crap” but the begging, pleading, making deals with god if your able to speak reality of it. I didn’t mince words with him, as he’s almost a grown man, and i confess the description of the smell of a 3 day old corpse covered with dried feces, and urine, and blood and shredded into something that didn’t really resemble a human corpse at all was not proper pre-dinnertime conversation.

Unfortunately it was all lost on him. As were the descriptions of the sounds of screaming and explosions, the raw terror of that near miss buzzing sound, or the agony that folllows being waxed by a hand grenade. The fact is he is a man, and men for whatever reason have this urge to run to the sound of the bugle.

All over the world people are fielding that same stupid question from their children, or picking up the remains of children that asked it last year. I’m sure smart people can explain in detail how its instinctual and dates back to when we were writing on cave walls; this desire to go out and conquer our fellow man. I’m not one of them. The only explanation I have for it is that the ignorant often make bad choices, and war seems a hell of a lot more glorious when you watch it on tv than when you’re wiping the shit off you after you luck out and don’t die when it all goes horribly wrong.

and it always does.sooner or later.

    If you don’t wish to have this conversation with your children, exercise your right to vote.  All of the democratic candidates, and at least one Republican (Ron Paul), have pledged to end the war.  Of course they only said one war.  We have several that we’re involved in.

rethefted

yuck.  I apologize to those of you she named.  I can do no more than that.  I’ll not honor the rest of it with any comment, but i did steal my stuff back

what these people aren’t.

Ron Paul…he isn’t a libertarian.  i could go into all the reasons why, but then you wouldn’t go to http://vote-smart.org and make up your own mind.

Ann Coulter…stupid.  She has found a niche that made her rich, and all she had to do was be nasty.  I can be nasty.  Of course I don’t have that horse-faced inbred look.

Mike Moore…a journalist.  but his new documentary sicko has enough truth in it to make it worth the view, just like all his documentaries.  Now its true I wouldn’t put him out if he was burning, but he still manages to catch my attention.

Sean Hannity…a pragmatist.  Given a chance to appeal to the decent sensibilities of intelligent people, Sean would pass and continue to preach to the choir with his nitwit vitriolic warmongering.  Face it Sean, if it wasn’t for my boy Alan (god what a geek) Colmes you’d be just another pasty faced Irish conservative talking on the radio.

George Bush…a bad guy.  You can hate him all you want.  You can think he’s stupid.  But do you really down in your heart after watching the guy think that he has ill intent?  I can see where he might be a little to easily led by the people he trusts, but I think ol George is as decent a man as has ever been president.  Remember Jimmy Carter? he was a decent guy.  shitty president.  Just like George.

Paris Hilton…she just isn’t.  Her 30 to 50 million future inheritance is real.  The cameras that chase her around are real.  The idiots that make her the star of their daily quest for titillation are real.  Turn off the camera’s though and Paris disappears…completely.

Hillary Clinton…a liberal.  Hillary Clinton is a politician par excellance.  She would bang every ungulate from here to poughkeepsie if the bestiality vote would get her made president.  Remember Bill? Stone cold liberal till he got elected.  Then he became moderate Bill pushing through the Republican agenda like no conservative president ever has.  Hillary is cut from the same cloth.  Its why they hate each other.

Al Sharpton…a man of god.   A man of god would work to bring people together under the lord.  Al Sharpton is s your typical for us by us black preacher.  Tawanda Brawley leaps to mind.  For those of you to young to remember her, she is why Al Sharpton stayed out of the Duke lacrosse team rape case.

Martha Stewart: dumb or weak.  This woman is as popular as she ever was with the middle class.  This after an insider trading scandal that made her look like a have greedily succumbing to the temptation to take advantage of her position in life.  Normally this would have her burned in effigy, instead, she’s who all the little Rachel Ray’s wanna be when they grow up.

Wolf Blitzer….a Wolf.  This boy is as sheep as it gets…. CNN has a ring in his nose and a finger up his a..   you know what I’m talking about.  This guy couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the “c” and the “t” without some exec at CNN coaching him first

that’s what they aren’t… I couldn’t begin to guess what they are.

 

Talents

    About the only difference between today and every other weekday is that for some unknown reason I did a 180 on the way to the bathroom upon rising.  This confused the hell out of mollie the mooch.  Not really knowing what to do the poor pooch did what she does when she’s confused and sat down.  Roscoe, perpetually bringing up the rear in our little love caravan failed to notice my abrupt change of direction, and failed to yield.  This created the hilarious for me, disconcerting for mollie, and intolerable for roscoe result of Mollie sitting on Roscoe’s head.  I can’t really tell you in words, but seeing a cockerpoodle with a rabbit thrashing around in its butt is a vision that every day should start with.

    On to talents.  Do you have one? Wanna share?  I do.  Have one.  I’m sharing because I didn’t feel like playing poker, and its to hot to do anything that is not incredibly sedentary.   My talent is I’m a prick.  I can annoy a person in 15 seconds or less, piss em off in under a minute, and have them in a spittle flying apopleptic rage in well under 10.

     This doesn’t pay well as talents go.  I mean, its not getting loot like a Vincent Van Gogh original, but he was dead before the cashola started to flow.  Its not drawing pay like a fortune 500 executive either, but it has good bennies.   People are always incredibly fun to watch.  They will do the damnedest things if they think no one is looking.    Mad though, upset, annoyed; then they are at their finest.

    There is really no joy in life like watching a normally calm, sane human being completely losing their cool over a few words.  I don’t do anything else.  It’s not really all that iunteractive a sport.  Just speak and watch the games begin.  The reason I’m good at it is really quite simple.  It’s easy. 

   People lack self control.  They are so used to having things go the way that they want; when faced with anything out of the ordinary they become first defensive, then offensive, and then downright assinine.  i love it.  Its better than sex with a monkey.

    There are several gambits to the game.  Its not chess mind you, but maybe conversationally instigative checkers.  My favorite is to be over nice.  I’m not sure why this one works so well, but if their is one thing folks can’t stand its someone being nice to them.  I mean real nice.  I mean ass kissing, brown nosing, sycophantically nice.  This probably only works for me because it makes people wonder whats coming.  I’m so rarely nice to anyone outside of my household that it gives people the creeps when I am.

    Another one is to agree with everything someone says, and repeat it like its wisdom from the almighty.  This one performs well at work.  Unless you work with a closet insecurity freak that acts like an egomaniac.  They love this. 

    One I used just yesterday is maybe the easiest to get the opportunity to use.  Find some pompous windbag that’s obviously overly fond of him/herself, and just make observations about their character.  Nothing extreme mind.  Just point out how insecure they seem.  That sort of thing.  I had The vindictive bastard.wordpress.com so mad i know it took a bottle of windex to clean his screen.  Tormenting the obnoxious is fun.  Tormenting the semi-literate obnoxious is what makes life worth living.

   My book how to torment others is available for the low low price of $14.95 at all your better bookstores. 

Sunday is for random thoughts

1.  I’m pretty sure the reason alcoholism is a rampant sickness in our society is because it makes human interaction almost tolerable.

2.   Albania likes us.   That being the case it makes it real easy to wonder what the hell is wrong with the rest of Europe.  My vote is jealousy.  Na na na na boo boo.  You don’t like us because you want to be us.  You want to shower more than once a week.  You want to brush your teeth.   You want to have leaders that aren’t deviants, retards, and criminals.  Well, so do we on that last one.

3.  Congress has the effrontery to tell me that I need a 700 odd mile fence on my  over 1500 mile southern border.   Ok, so build a fence to keep your dog in.   Leave several gaps in it.  does it work?  How can you not chuckle?

4.  Gun control is the one issue I think I can have an impact on so pay attention.  Get a good sight picture.  Breathe in….release the breath and squeeze (don’t pull) the trigger.  I have now done my part on one of the great issues facing our society.  Use it in good health.

5.   My dog is fat, fluffy, and lazy.  She makes me get up at odd hours to take her out to relieve herself.  She barks incessantly when i’m not home which makes the neighbors complain.   She follows me literally everywhere.  you can’t divorce your dog, but I did get rid of a wife that behaved almost exactly the same way.

6.   To all you sullen Ron Paul fans that come, read, and leave pissed off because I think he looks like Henry Gibson, or has the people skills of Elmer Fudd.  Get over it.  I’m just being a jilted fan.  His stance on imperialism is right on, but he is not as so many of you like to say….a libertarian.  Go to vote-smart. org, and read up on your diminutive dynamo.  The man is at least 7 turnips shy of a truckload.

7.  Breakfast is by far the most important meal of the day.  Today I had a cuba libre’ and some cheese popcorn.  I feel like a million bucks.  Well, like 32 bucks and some change, but thats progress.

8.   Nascar has a rain delay for the second week in a row.  Ted does not like nascar.  Ted does not like anything.  Ted is a spoiled rotten omnipotent brat, and should be excoriated in all the newspapers of the land.  Its good to be irreverant on Sunday.  Its a day of rest, and their is nothing more restful than twisting the tail of the created by man creator.

9.  Love is a four letter word that is defined   “someone else doing things exactly the way you want them to.”

I can live without it.

10.    If the French have finally realized that socialism is an invalid theory, and they have judging by the conservative landslide in their parliamentary elections, does that mean we can now put that baby to bed in Europe?  Or is the dumbest, laziest, dirtiest nation in Europe just trying to keep up with the brits?  Hard to say.  If they all start riding around naked on their bicycles we’ll have our answer.

11.   Ferrets attack more people than grizzly bears.   I know this is true because I saw it on a mountain dew commercial.

12.  My dentist wants 4 digits to work on my teeth.  Thats not so bad.  I just won’t buy gas this week.

13.    Its over.  For the 39th time in 3 days its over.  I haven’t figured out what it is yet, but I’m not defecating what looks like thick lemonade anymore, so i think its a good thing.

14.  You have just wasted 10 minutes of your day if you read all of this.   Thats assuming that if you’re reading this you have to sound out the long words, and read while moving your lips.  You should maybe do something else now.

15.   Remember….you can’t change anything.  You have no power.  Control is only an illusion, and your life is slowly spiralling into the fiery pits of hell.  Chaos will rule supreme in your existence, and life will never be as good for you as it was yesterday.  That being said, you still as a species are amusing as hell.  Please continue.

according to spellcheck I didn’t mispell anything.  Find a deep hole and pray.  Armageddon is upon us.

suck your thumb

     I try to be moderate in my viewpoints.  I also try to curtail my opinion when I disagree with something someone else does or says.  I almost never comment on other writers, because….well….a lot of them are idiots, and you don’t make any friends calling people idiot.

     Michelle Malkin….you are an idiot.  You may be cute, but you’re still an idiot.   I read one of this wenches articles today, and I came away with this utterly amazed feeling.  Not at the depth of her persuasive ability.  Not at her obvious astuteness.  i was amazed that the Washington Times actually paid this overeducated elitist to write this swill.

     Seems Michelle is a little worried that all the allah lovers are teaching their kids to kill whitey, and were teaching ours to be wussies.  Its quite true.  Thats almost exactly whats happening.  In middle America.  In the public schools of our suburbs, maybe.  The muslims do teach their children about Jihad from the time they pull em off the camels teat.  They’ve been doing it for generations.  War in the middle east is like saturday cartoons here.  They keep getting worse, and they never end.

     I guess where my problem comes in is in wondering what we should do.  Help me out Michelle.  Shall we have M-16 training in kindergarten?  Should all our politicians rattle the sabre?  Can you see Ron Paul threatening anyone? “Be vewwwy vewwy quiet….wewe hunting muswims…..hehehehehehehehe.”  

      I don’t think I want my children trained to hate anyone.  I’ll grant our schools suck.  I’d go so far as to say the government wastes almost every tax dollar they sink into the public schools.  I live in the inner city though.  All I can say is I’d pit my streetwise scumbags against the ayatollahs assholes any old day.  The kids in my neighborhood don’t lack for balls, and the kids in Michelle’s neighborhood aren’t going to fight our wars anyway. 

    So do me a favor you wafer thin sorority sister nitwit.  Move your column to the society page, or talk some sense.  

http://washingtontimes.com/commentary/mmalkin.htm   michelle’s blithering idiocy in print.

 ok, I don’t try….so what.
 

Faith, Love, and the Art of Politics

    Like Baskin Robbins, politics has a flavor of the day.  In the republican party, or rather for a fringe element of them its Ron Paul.  For the Democrats, it changes like I change socks.    For all concerned, the flavor is faith, and how sweet it is to broadcast your beliefs on all the cable network news shows.  I was watching tonight; (and I confess to ignoring most of it), the three top candidates from the democrats discussing their faith on CNN’s faith forum.

    Here I should point out that I have a lackadaisical attitude toward faith.  I have faith, but I limit it to those things that are almost certain to happen whether I believe they will or not.  Like the sun coming up, my children asking for $150.00 shoes, or me hurling if I chase my tequila with a vicodin.   Its not a spiritual thing with me.  I do pray though.  I like to think of it as chatting with Ted.  It usually goes something like this.

Me: Uh, lord?

God:  I told you to call me Ted.

Me:  Yeah, but it feels a little wierd.

God:  I’m god, your wierdness isn’t my problem.

Me: true.

God: so what’s up?

Me: The usual.  I’m confused about you really.

God:  Do tell?

Me:   Well, what is it you do?

God:  I’m omnipotent.

Me:  Do tell?

God:  I can do anything.

Me:  Really?  Like cure aids?  end famine? stop wars?

God:  I could do all those on a slow Tuesday.

Me: really?!?!  Then why don’t you?

God:  I gave man free will.  If you folks want it fixed…. fix it.

Me:  (thinks)  ok, so what do you do?

God:  I’m omnipotent.

Me:  But what does that entail?

God:  I created the universe in 6 days.  Then took a day off.

Me: Then what?

God:  (thinks)  I had immaculate conception with Mary, then 33 years later I gave my only begotten son that man would be saved.

Me: from what?  Saved from what?

God:  Nobody ever asked that before…I’ll ruminate on it.

Me:  Then what?

God:  Then nothing.  I’m waiting.

Me:  For what?

God:  For man to love his fellow man, for the rich to care for the poor, for the church to care for the unsaved, for all mankind to love one another.

Me:   You got hopes.

God:  Nope.  I have a hammock, a never ending six pack, and you to pick on.

Me: sounds like a good gig.

God: Works for me.

Me: no kiddin.  So just one more question?

God: shoot?

Me:  What do you think of the candidates for the 2008 election?

God:  I think I need a beer.

Me: Oh, me too.  Thanks a bunch Ted.  Can you hold my coat?