Two monkeys, a rabbit, and an idiot preserve

    If you’ve been here before you may have already heard the expression “like 2 monkeys fucking a football.”  What it means is there’s a whole lot of activity, and not much accomplishment.  Well, it has defintely been that kind of week.  This may turn into scatalogical drivel in a minute, so you can stop here if you’d like.  You’ve probably learned something already, and the value of that should never be underestimated.

    I missed all but Monday at work.  My daughter’s been running a fever, and gasping, and wheezing, and on our third trip…yep, third, the little shitheel looks up from his stethoscope and proclaims “I think she has pneumonia.”  Now I’m not a physician, but I’m thinking from day one it’s bronchitis or pneumonia, and told him so on the first visit.  This of course has caused a bit of an epiphany.

    I don’t use doctors much.  I find their cost generally outweighs their value, especially since pharmaceuticals are generally readily available on the sidewalk out front.    Having learned over the course of the last couple of months that the system is incredibly rife with profiteering and outright fraud I question the intelligence of getting the government anymore involved.  The hand specialist that has been treating me is raking in (this is an estimate based on actual time spent working on my hand) 18k an hour.  I don’t mind this so much, but had i not had insurance I would’ve stitched the frankenstein finger and let the other bones set on their own.  I doubt I’d be any worse off, though the scarirng may have scared small children; an undervalued gift that.

   Then the pharmacy was the original clusterfuck from hell.  My bad.  I went to walmart.  Generally I find walmart to be sufficient to the need for supplying things like paper, flour, and shampoo.  My experience has been that while semiliterate cretins would serve the rest of us best by being expunged from the gene pool, a decent alternative is putting them to work, and walmart serves this function admirably.  You do not, however, want them filling your prescriptions for you.  I spent an hour trying to assist them in getting it right as they ran hither and yon to no little effect.  I finally just took my prescriptions back, complimented them on their exemplary display of ineptitude, and contemplated as I exited the premises how much I would rather eat shit from the dispenser than go through that again.  I then went to the Walgreens, and for 1.05 more was out the door in 12 minutes.  Another thoroughly satisfied customer.

    The pace de resistance to my week was when I arrived home to find general tso wrapped in the embrace of an entirely to dead Roscoe.  I knew that sooner or later his lechery would be the death of him, but always assumed he would die of a heart attack while pulling his 3 pound furry jackhammer routine on my ankle.  I was a bit put out by it all.  Does this mean that that fucking cat is a better lay than me, or was it a simple case of his number was up?  Whatever the case, I suppose I should be thankful that he gave me something to contemplate other than how deeply I despise the human race at this particular juncture.  I left out politics here, as it would get me back to full roar on the whole despise thing, but I’ll break it out after I chase a couple of rum and cokes with a couple vicodin….kind of a Heath Ledger cocktail.

Keeping score

   Carla wasn’t sure how long she’d known, but sitting across from Dale she was aware that she did.  Something about being in the room alone with him, or maybe it was the intensity in his eyes.   The news was playing in the background, and Jerry had taken the plates into the kitchen to wash.  She was alone.  With him, and she knew what he had done.

“13,” he said.

“what?”

“13.”

“I don’t understand.”  

“That’s how many.  People we’ve killed…I mean.”  He said the last part lamely, almost as if he was ashamed.

Her mind raced back over the stories she’d seen in the paper, and heard about on TV.   the bodies found all over the state.  The cold recitations of the condition of the victims, spoken or written about by people who didn’t know them, and were to jaded to even realize the damage their words must have done to the loved ones of the victims.  the cheerleader outside of Charlotte, hanging upside down between two trees under a banner that said “Rah-Rah.”

There was the preacher in Bern, hanging from the pulpit by a brass cross that had been hammered through his throat, and the farmer near Jacksonville found face up in the feeding trough, his mouth gagged, and hands bound to the fence rail decrying the fact that he’d been alive when he was put there.

    The horror etched across her face becoming more apparent as the list ran through her mind, and then her face crumbling in the horror of that one word.

“we’ve.”  He had said we’ve.

“Jerry.” she mumbled, already knowing the answer.

“of course Jerry.”

“But why,” she said.  She didn’t really want to know, but couldn’t think of a way not to ask.  How do you not ask?

“Everybody needs a hobby. ”  His voice was devoid of emotion, and she looked up to see him staring intently at her.

Pointing toward the kitchen, Dale smiled and said almost cheerfully “14. ”  Then, With the slightest hint of regret he pointed at her, and said

“15”

Chinese Toys For Christmas….Maybe Not

   Pardon me while I stick my nose in.  If you have children, avoid painted toys from China.  I work in the lead industry, and you can’t imagine how serious this is.  The miniscule amounts of lead required to send your blood levels soaring is  just not comprehensibile to someone that doesn’t deal with it on a daily basis.  I spend my day virtually hermetically sealed inside of clothing, and respirators, and latex gloves.

   The standard behaviours causing contamination with lead are ingestion (eating) and Inhalation (breathing).  This means being in close proximity to these toys is is almost a gaurantee of increased lead levels in your child.  The result can be permanent and catastrophic.  Brain damage and death are possible, and it’s just not worth the couple of bucks you save buying cheap imports.

   I didn’t use a lot of numbers here, because they don’t matter.  What matters is the safety of your children, and that you do not take this problem lightly.

Here’s the list of the latest recall.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070814/ap_on_bi_ge/toy_recall_list_2

the Ten punishments

  I was asked when I would do the second set of commandments, and yes there is a second set.  I decided first I would do the ten punishments.  Not for any particular reason, except that I like them, and verily I say unto you…shariaa law is no match for the old testament.  These were some bloodthirsty bastards of the first order.

Ten Punishments (Let’s post these in the schoolroom!)

1. Exodus 22:20: He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the Lord only, he shall be utterly destroyed. Utterly destroyed?  Not simply destroyed folks, utterly destroyed.  I assume this involves beating them with the utter of an unleavened cow,.  (they are very anti leavened  these old testament folks.

2. Leviticus 24:16: And he that blasphemeth the name of the Lord, he shall surely be put to death. God damn it.  Again with the name in vain crap.  I’ve logged tow put me to deaths in two days apparently.  I think this one is bogus.  At least If I take his name in vain I’m aware that he exists, or at the very least lend credulity to the myth by my actions.

3. Exodus 31:15: Whosoever doeth any work in the Sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death. This seems reasonable to me.  You work on sunday you die.  No questions asked.  You deserve it for making the rest of look bad you asskissing spooge monkey.

4. Exodus 21:15: He that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death. whoops… a lot of put to death going on.  Again I fear  some parents deserve smiting.  With hard heavy objects until they are no longer twitching.

5. Exodus 21:17: He that curseth his father or his mother, shall surely be put to death. yep…death again.  These old testament rat bastards weren’t real creative.  Of course they didn’t have the option of dragging behind a pickup truck until maimed, or beaten with a latex sex toy until comatose.

6. Exodus 22:19: Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death. Sheep boinkers beware.  When they get done with the homo fellers in the next segment they’ll be coming for your woolie banging asses.  Here’s a tip, make sure you don’t have any wool stuck under your fingernails.  Dead giveaway.

7. Leviticus 20:13: If a man lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death. See, here is where the christians get it wrong.  They take this to mean if a man sleeps with a man he has committed an abomination.  Not so.  what that says, is if a man sleeps with all other men (mankind) he is abominable.  In other words if Barney Frank wants to get into hell he better start butt porking a lot more people.

8. Leviticus 20:10: And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall be put to death. this is just stupid.  Sorry. Adultery has done more to strengthen american relationships than any other vice, and I just can’t see God wanting to force people to be monagamous.  Monogamy is like anal sex, it isn’t natural, but you can still talk a fool into it if you ask them right.

9. Mark 16:16: He that believeth not, shall be damned. woohoo…not put to death.  So let me get this right..if I bang some sheepherders old lady, or his sheep for that matter, I die, but if I refuse to believe the fairy tale at all, I just get damned?  That harldy seems like a punishment at all.

10. Malachi 2:1-4: And now, O ye priests, this commandment is for you. If you will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart to give glory to my name, … behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces. Now your talking.  Screw up the bastards gardens and wipe shit on their faces.  Now thats a punishment.

yeah boys and girls, thats some nice religion you got there.   If I was a gal I’d be whipping out the burkha and taking my chances.

let’s schmooze the news

Haven’t done this in a week or so.  I’ve been to busy writing about inane crap to contemplate writing about the truly banal baloney…

well the iraqi parliament is leaving on their August hiatus.   Like our congress, their vacation is far more important to them than their people are.  What I really like is the almost afterthought at the bottom.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070730/ap_on_re_mi_ea/iraq_070717170945;_ylt=As1_FH88czmBIiJTb0db0qEL1vAI

So much for honor amongst thieves.  Michael Vicks co-conspirator is singing like a canary.  It looks bad for Michael, but we shouldn’t rush to judgement.  We should casually walk to it, as casually as he abused these dogs.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070730/ap_on_sp_fo_ne/fbn_vick_co_defendant_13;_ylt=AlEhndC_3dAjmmzF21oPQmsL1vAI

The Elect Billary campaign is insulted by the fashion article about ms. hillary’s cleavage.  Like its a bad thing.  Trust me hillary, you want me looking at your breasts and not listening to your words. Oh who am i kidding…I’m a nancy’s jugs guy anyway.  Hillary couldn’t get my vote if she did a cirque du soleil act naked with the swedish bikini team.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070730/od_nm/usa_politics_clinton1_dc_1;_ylt=AmXrK7.vCfiU5OVwy8saCTcL1vAI

There is a wind blowing in from Iowa, and it’s going to save us all.  Smells like asswind to me, but if the DOW hits 17,000 like they suggest they need to turn their attention to a problem with global ramifications…roscoe’s attitude.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070730/od_nm/stocks1_dc_1;_ylt=AjmBUZPXC5AmeeLzH.QwWKYL1vAI

your asshole is on my facebook.  Just go read it.  sexual predators are to easy a target, and I’m not in the mood for ez.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20041040/

Well grease me up with butter and beat me with a horsewhip…a feel good news story on criminyjickets.  This one just made me smile.  No clues for you.  duh, look at the link before you go if you’re that curious.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/07/30/lawmaker.raid.ap/index.html

I bet it doesn’t pass, but here’s another honest government bill.  The only thing I don’t like is it doesn’t say the lawmakers name will be publicized with his earmark, and I think that would be a deterrant.  It does make it tougher to keep an unrelated earmark in a bill though.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,291429,00.html

You go Rosie.  I still think you’re a pig, but this was class all the way.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,291363,00.html

HoBama?  I like it.  Their little fued is going to distance them from the rest of the candidates, and just a coupleweeks after I said they would be the ticket for the dems, Newt Gingrich agreed.  We should maybe do the butter/horsewhip thing again here.

http://www.update08.foxnews.com/

ok, that doesn’t even scratch the surface, but I’m hiking slagcaster moulds up steps tomorrow, and I wish to go lie down and hate the idea of that for awhile.  I didn’t mention the depths of human depravity stories I found.  Lots of murder and death today.   lot of  dead children.  Sorta ruins the mood.

Osama Bin laden is dead

    I’ve been looking at pictures for days now, and the only conclusion I can come up with is he is dead.  I know nobody else says so, but it’s the only rational conclusion. If he isn’t dead, then he is in captivity, and that implies a conspiracy theory so convoluted that it defies imagination.

    This of course is an opinion, but not an uneducated one.  Let me make some points.

1.  A live Osama Bin laden is best for all concerned.

  Al Qaeda, and islamic fundamentalism is stronger if the muslim world thinks he is alive.  He is a folk hero to them, and enjoys incredible popularity throughout the region; including those countries who support the U.S. Plus, it is awfully hard to find a dead guy, and boy do we look dumb searching for him.  Shaming America is a big deal to the radical islamic movement.

George Bush would play hell continuing his war on terror without the great satan to hunt.  American’s are already tired of the bloodshed, and loss of human life.  Less than 1/10th of the casualties we experienced in vietnam, and if you put it to a referendum we’d have troops flying home by the weekend.  Had Osama’s corpse been presented 2 years ago the war in Iraq would be long over.

Congressional democrats want him alive, because the disaster that the war on terror has become for the Bush Administration has already given them control of both houses of congress, and barring some miracle (like a freshly thawed body of Osama Bin Laden being put in front of the news cameras) they will enlarge their majorities, and win the White House because of what one long dead terrorist started.

2.  Not one single reputable source has shown conclusive proof that he is alive.

Not one.  The last  conclusive evidence came before the 2004 elections. He mentioned bush and kerry so it is likely he was alive at the time, but since then not one shred of logical evidence proves he is alive. 

3.  He went to Dubai in 2001 for dialysis.

Kidney problems don’t just disappear, and the affects on him physiologically we’re obvious in later videos.  It would be difficult in the extreme to receive anywhere near proper medical care.  Especially while being the worlds foremost fugitive .

Most American intelligence agents have been shifted away from Afghanistan,. and the hunt for Osama has been in name only for several years.  You can say thats because Bush toook his eye off the ball, but it’s just as credible to surmise that somewhere deep in the vaults is a portfolio marked top secret that has a dead photo of Osama in it.

It’s far easier to bilk the American people out of billions of dollars if the news keeps sporting hunt for Osama slogans, and the world believes the man is alive and masterminding further mischief.  It’s not so easy to respond to a couple of very simple questions:

1.  If he is alive, and his followers could be emboldened by his presence, why have none of the photo’s or video’s borne any proof of the date? it would be quite easy to accomplish, but none have been shown?

2.  Why, if he is sick, and needing dialysis just to stay alive; and we really want to catch him..why have we removed those assets from the regions he is thought to be in?  We’ve had years to track him, and not one sighting, not one wierd medical shipment, not one shred of evidence found that he is still alive

This is all conjecture of course, and i’m no expert, but until they prove he is alive he is dead dead dead.  Thats my conspiracy idea for the day.

Not News….Proof

  This one proves that the FBI is not on a witch hunt for terrorists.  Anyone will do.  It doesn’t seem to matter when in history, the FBI has proven to be as unscrupulous as any federal agency ever.

this one proves that no good deed goes unpunished.  The president who helped pull south africa out of apartheid is now being victimized by rumor mongers and former apartheid officials trying to keep the noose from around their own neck.  Apparently a nobel peace prize isn’t worth much anymore.

 Remember the movie where if you watch it the phone rings and you then die within 7 days?  Well, this cat gives you roughly 4 hours.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve always thought cats were satans minions, except max, of course, and this fat little furbearing feline proves it.  I want his feet tested.  Maybe he isn’t prescient…maybe he has poison paws.

This proves that science fictions and comic books are no longer the private domain of the geeky and nerdified.  heh…sure it does.

this proves that sex, funny, and liberal are popular in the blog bowl.  (like toilet bowl….beats blogosphere wouldn’t you say?)  It also proves that If Rosie O’donnell’s haiku’s get an A rating the rest of you haiku clowns should maybe throw in the towel.  It lists a bunch of celebs and what their blogs are about, and then grades them.

this proves that diet and companionship are more relevant to longevity than stress.

   This one proves that not raising taxes and having a universal health care package are the centerpiece of the liberal candidates agenda.  Pay particular attention to how detailed Chris Dodd is in his explanation about how it will be paid for.

this proves that politicians are dumb…they worry about this, when we have problems right now need fixing

this one proves that not only do governments waste oodles of dollars, idiots that write don’t always get their facts straight.  William Proxmire was a senator from Wisconsin, dummy.

While I certainly don’t get it, this proves that holy week is more important than drinking green beer.  Catholics make no sense at all.

Sunday is for random thoughts #6

1.  Everyone who has ever accused me of being self destructive was pissed off at me for putting me before them.

2. old people brag about wisdom because everything else is going to hell on them.

3. fashion tip: go down to the dock…look at what the hookers are wearing…and don’t wear that.

4.  more fashion:  I wonder which guys are walking through walmart, see the lingerie, and thinks  “my girlfriend/wife/boyfriend would so love that”

5.  If I tell roscoe (see previous post) that max “linked” to him maybe he’ll take it sexually and go after HER ankle.

6.  It’s unfair I had to work today, even if yesterdays slothfulness caused it.  God didn’t have to work on Sunday, and he has proven to be nearly worthless.

7. Starbucks closed it’s store in the forbidden city because people thought it “marred” a historical site…only approximately 13,000 more to go. Woohoo.

8.  I wonder why running students over with tanks in Tianamen Square didn’t “mar”  that historical site.

9.  If we could harness the hot air coming from the mouths of politicians and turn it into an energy source, we would never need fossil fuels again.

10.  I bet humans taste better than they look.  Except Salma Hayek.

11.  for the first time i was “hit” more by search engines than referrers.  I wonder if that means I’m now hated everywhere.

12.  My uncle glen died today.  Being in your forties seems to make this occur a lot more.  That makes 7 in two years.

13. I’ve decided to start wearing a kilt.  I look great in knee socks, and it will facilitate my efforts to revitalize the lost art of mooning.

14.  Vote Grape!!!!  I’ve decided the official wine for my campaign will be anything with a screw on lid… no cheap funky tasting corks for my supporters.

15.  I once rode a rodeo bull.  Well, sort of. It was open the gate fall off as i recall.  Drinking does not help one make good choices, btw

16.  It also does not make you charming.  It does make you more tolerable to other drunks though.

17.  A good diet, regular sleep schedule, and a low stress existence increases your chances of being able to wear a diaper, and be abused in a nursing home for several years instead of only a couple.

18. To give away to good home.  one rabbit.  He is vicious, perverted, and cranky as hell.  Tranquilizer gun and 12 darts included.  Call anytime after 6.

19.  Pauliacs make me laugh a lot, but some of his followers are kind of bright.  Which leaves you wondering what the hell is Tsoldrin smoking, anyways?

20.  Someday you will look back on the time you spent reading the criminy infestation, and wonder why the hell you didn’t spend more time clipping your nails.

21.  Have a good week.  Make a difference.  Eat something thats bad for you.  Avoid assholes (my readership will decline),and smile more than you did this week.Treat someone you like to an ice cream.  tell someone you don;t like the truth about how you feel about them and why.  Wait for the swelling to go down and then tell them again.  Persistence is always respected.

ps  I went to Susan the astrologer nutbags blog.  She pegged me on the love thing…missed by several miles on everything else.  Another hack.

my impending demise

    I wasn’t bored, merely inquisitive.  what a huge mistake that was.  I now know things I have no desire to know.  I just went to  deathclock.com. what a rousing mistake that was.  I now know i have only 690,000,000 seconds to live.  If you want to know what year that is so you can plan some festivities you can just break out the abacus and figure it out on your own.

   time to make a list of things I can accomplish in 690,000,000 seconds I guess.

Not much to be afraid of

     Growing up in rural america in the late 60’s and 70’s (no, wiseacre, not the 1860’s) was a fairly carefree existence.  We had to work and such, but there wasn’t much going on to be afraid of.  Our parents tried to put the fear in us, but lets face it; “the moonies are going to kidnap you if you stay out after dark,” isn’t exactly a terrorizing comment to a kid.  What the hell is a moonie would’ve been the only appropriate response, but responses were passed over in a rush to get out of the house.

    The country is a lot different than the city.  In the city if you wish to go for a swim you go to one of the parks and swim with several hundred other people.  Many of whom are not exactly fastidious about there bathing practices, and I don’t even want to contemplate the whole bodily functions issue.  I lived near a creek.  It was the fun in the sun summer hangout.  Whether it was swimming, fishing, digging for clams, or creative attempts at drowning, thats where the kids went when the thermometer rose.

     The swimming holes were creatively named “the crick” (it was a creek), “big falls” (they were big),  and “killer cliffs” (three kids died there while I was in high school.  The water wasn’t deep enough to handle all of the “hey y’all watch this” moments that occurred there), creativity not being nearly as important as strong backs in those parts. Where you went depended on which locale you were from, and if you had someone to provide transportation.  Yes, mooching rides is a universal teen thing.

    These places were our meeting halls, our ceremonial lodges, and arena’s.  It’s where we learned about such diverse topics as hitting a bong, which girls put out, and which boys were still virgins.   I say diverse because drugs, and sex were about as diverse as it got in the way of entertainment. 

    We used them as places to transmit information about where the party was this Saturday, what happened at the party last Saturday, and who was gonna kick whose ass in the homecoming game.  One of those should probably be “whom,” but we never discussed who and whom in those days.  What we did discuss was so and so’s butt, whether a dodge monaco with a police interceptor engine could beat a 900 kawasaki in the quarter mile (that day it couldn’t, but it saw 160mph), and whether burger kings fries were better than McDonalds.

    The ceremonies held there were generally funerals.  I’m not sure why we had to have our own, but something not in a church, and with no parents just always seemed appropriate.  Oh wait, beer and pot were the reasons.  The four year totals were the three diving deaths, one guy gored to death by a bull, 6 car accidents resulting in 11 deaths (one was a late night chicken event that nobody was chicken in…they never turned on their lights), and two suicides, both female.  Yes, teen pregnancy was an issue even then.  Grief, booze, and weed, don’t really mic so its a wonder that the death toll wasn’t higher as a result of all the impromptu funerals.  17 dead in 4 years.  That seems so unbearable looking back, but at the time maybe because of our youth it was just another fact of daily life.  In order to do anything fun you had to do something stupid, dangerous, or sexual.  Sometimes all three.   

    Most of us were devirginized, experienced our first drunken stupor, and hadfights there.  There was no such thing as that much testosterone, that many girls, and a fight free afternoon.  Sooner or later two shirtless teen gladiators would be slugging it out for the favor of which ever of the young ladies present ws the object of their affections.  These fights often ended with broken bones and blood, but never with gunfire or a knife.  It was a simpler time.

    I think probably the most important thing that happened their on those summer days so long ago were the discussions about what was “out there.”  Many of us had never left the state, but we all intended to.  We talked about far away places and how we would get out.  Most of us that left took the military route.  A few went to college, and the rest may or may not have left.  That part of my life was left behind when I hopped on the plane to go to Marine Corps recruit Depot San Diego.  When I returned from that 4 month trip the quantum leap in the maturity process that had occurred made picking up old friendships impossible, and by the time I returned again the people were lost except for the memories.  the world was rapidly changing everywhere else, but with the exception of the behaviours of the kids, there wasn’t much to be afraid of there.