the Ten punishments

  I was asked when I would do the second set of commandments, and yes there is a second set.  I decided first I would do the ten punishments.  Not for any particular reason, except that I like them, and verily I say unto you…shariaa law is no match for the old testament.  These were some bloodthirsty bastards of the first order.

Ten Punishments (Let’s post these in the schoolroom!)

1. Exodus 22:20: He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the Lord only, he shall be utterly destroyed. Utterly destroyed?  Not simply destroyed folks, utterly destroyed.  I assume this involves beating them with the utter of an unleavened cow,.  (they are very anti leavened  these old testament folks.

2. Leviticus 24:16: And he that blasphemeth the name of the Lord, he shall surely be put to death. God damn it.  Again with the name in vain crap.  I’ve logged tow put me to deaths in two days apparently.  I think this one is bogus.  At least If I take his name in vain I’m aware that he exists, or at the very least lend credulity to the myth by my actions.

3. Exodus 31:15: Whosoever doeth any work in the Sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death. This seems reasonable to me.  You work on sunday you die.  No questions asked.  You deserve it for making the rest of look bad you asskissing spooge monkey.

4. Exodus 21:15: He that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death. whoops… a lot of put to death going on.  Again I fear  some parents deserve smiting.  With hard heavy objects until they are no longer twitching.

5. Exodus 21:17: He that curseth his father or his mother, shall surely be put to death. yep…death again.  These old testament rat bastards weren’t real creative.  Of course they didn’t have the option of dragging behind a pickup truck until maimed, or beaten with a latex sex toy until comatose.

6. Exodus 22:19: Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death. Sheep boinkers beware.  When they get done with the homo fellers in the next segment they’ll be coming for your woolie banging asses.  Here’s a tip, make sure you don’t have any wool stuck under your fingernails.  Dead giveaway.

7. Leviticus 20:13: If a man lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death. See, here is where the christians get it wrong.  They take this to mean if a man sleeps with a man he has committed an abomination.  Not so.  what that says, is if a man sleeps with all other men (mankind) he is abominable.  In other words if Barney Frank wants to get into hell he better start butt porking a lot more people.

8. Leviticus 20:10: And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall be put to death. this is just stupid.  Sorry. Adultery has done more to strengthen american relationships than any other vice, and I just can’t see God wanting to force people to be monagamous.  Monogamy is like anal sex, it isn’t natural, but you can still talk a fool into it if you ask them right.

9. Mark 16:16: He that believeth not, shall be damned. woohoo…not put to death.  So let me get this right..if I bang some sheepherders old lady, or his sheep for that matter, I die, but if I refuse to believe the fairy tale at all, I just get damned?  That harldy seems like a punishment at all.

10. Malachi 2:1-4: And now, O ye priests, this commandment is for you. If you will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart to give glory to my name, … behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces. Now your talking.  Screw up the bastards gardens and wipe shit on their faces.  Now thats a punishment.

yeah boys and girls, thats some nice religion you got there.   If I was a gal I’d be whipping out the burkha and taking my chances.