asswind and asswits

  I was going to do a schmooze the news post, but there is so much stupid shit I couldn’t cope.  I’m beginning to think the news is just bad fiction designed to keep us from realizing that life is spectacular.  To much happy would ruin the plans of the vast left wing and right wing conspiracies.

   Well…they fucked up, because I’m borderline ecstatic.  That magilla gorilla looking prick Hugo Chavez continues to follow exactly the plot that I said he would.  Now his plan is to do what the lefties think George Bush intends to do here.  Remove term limits and continue being in charge.  This of course is a good thing.  Socialism did more to stabilize the world as the antithesis to democracy than the current islamofascist opponent seems to do.  We should probably get with bombing the muslims into the stone age so we can face that world conquering cocksucker Hugo.  Not to get personal or anything, but what kind of parents name their fat kid Hugo?

    I assume you already heard that al qaeda is bombing the hell out of the Kurds?  This is also very good news in that the Kurds were always the punching bag for the muslims in Iraq, and a return to traumatizing them means that things are almost back to normal in Iraq.  Does anyone really think that this is the war on terror?  Not you George, go back to yanking it to the family photo album.  Does anyone else think so?  thought not.

   How about those ratbastards in China?  We now know that the Chinese government knew about the magnet issues.  I’m sceptical that they didn’t know about the lead paint as well.  Chinese exports have been feeding our kids lead for over 30 years….lead…it makes you retarded…..er….does a body good?  What really bugs the shit out of me is that 80% of the toys sold in America are made in China, and that means there are a lot of parents that really don’t give a shit if their children are attacked or not.   Nice job mom and dad.

  Did you see where this heinous harlot in Tennessee shot her preacher husband in the back while he was sleeping, and got 67 days?  Now I realize he was probably a rotten guy, and am even willing to grant that he did every single thing that she says he did.  Fact is, he is dead and can’t dispute it.  My question is why didn’t the stupid hag leave?  I’m totally sick of women to dumb to get out of bad relationships getting away with murder.  Her ass  should rot in jail…just like his would have if he had done the same.

   Theresa Earnhardt is now the wicked witch of NASCAR.  First she forces  the son out the business that was meant for him, and now she won’t let him have the car number he’s had since he started racing.  This has obviously become a pissin contest hillbilly style, and business is no longer a part of it.  You go Theresa…may you rest in peace.  Not dead yet?  No hurry, but when you do, …yanno

there was this huge fight out in front of the grocery store when I went and dropped the weekly C-note for sustenance.  It appeared to be between some incredibly obese illiterate gals, and some over tanned, house shoe wearing hussies.  The gangster boyfriends with their pants cinched around their thighs stayed out of it.  I’m assuming for fear their pants would fall down.   Or it may have been because the girls were tougher than they.  Either way,  I got WWE smackdown thrown in for free on my grocery tab.  what a great country.

On the lighter side, it was discovered today that the reason Barack Obama’s message has become so shizophrenic is his new handlers are Larry, Curly, and Moe.  Did this guy wake up three weeks ago and decide, man i’d rather smoke some dope than be president?  also, why suddenly are the democrats so concerned about Hillary’s bad trickle down effect?  Did they just realize that only Indiana votes for its Reps?  Her high standing in liberal enclaves has always posed a risk for the democratic candidates seeking office in more conservative states.  I think its cool…the democrats trying to sabotage one of their own.   Political cannibalism.  When this all works out we might have Mike Gravel as the last man standing.

  I already miss Karl Rove and he isn’t even gone yet.  It’s almost sad the way this wonderful administration is slinking off one by one into the sunset.  Good thing they stacked the supreme court, or we’d have nothing to remember them by.

   I wasn’t going to do this, because I really don’t care, but could you assmonkeys supporting Ron Paul can the conspiracy crap?  The only legitimate conspiracy may be that some of his followers are really Mitt Romney fans, and are trying to convince the voters that Dr. Ron is as nutty as his supporters.

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Ron paul goes mainstream and other news awards

Sometimes I schmooze the news, and sometimes I do awards.  Todays crop seems award worthy, so lets see what we got.

The best man for the job is a dumbass award goes to General David Petraeus.  The genral was in charge of arming the Iraqi forces between 2004 and 2005.  It is quite possible that while we scream about the Iranians arming the insurgents the truth is, we did.  If this guy can’t count beans, what the hell is he doing leading all U.S. Forces in Iraq.  Assistant dumbass awards go to the Defense Department, and the White House.  The General didn’t create the cluster f&%k, he merely presided over it.

The Wizard of Oz Award goes to Congressional Democrats who displayed their lack of heart, brains, and courage by allowing the Bush Administration to bitch slap them again on the wiretapping issue (FISA).  The people who elected the democrats are in full scream over this duplicitous behaviour by their elected officials who used the wiretapping like a civil liberties club to get themselves the majority.  This isn’t the first time Nancy, Harry, and the rest have turned their back on the voters who ensured their employment.

  The Ostrich award goes to every single elected official who has ignored the infrastructure of this country over the last 30 years.  This link takes you to a state by state map of every bridge that is either structurally deficient, or structurally obsolete in America.  About 50 in my home town alone.  Some 25% of the total number of bridges in the country.

The Big Bang Award will not be going to Rush Limbaugh and Rosie O’donnell, as I can’t pin down the facts on their alleged tryst.  We’ll have to give it to the next largest collision of heavenly bodies in existence.  This is kind of cool if you’re into cosmic astrophysics type stuff.

The Cat Banging a Cheese Grater award goes to Sinead O’connor.  She has released her new album Theology, based on god stuff.  Yeah, the Sinead that tore up the picture of the pope.  Have a listen, and let me know when you’re IQ returns to normal what you think.

The Ebony and Ivory Award almost went to Michael Vick, but it turns out prison bars aren’t made of Ivory.  this is actually a very interesting article.  Interracial marriage with pro and con looks at the issue.

The Ican haz pink armband Award goes to policemen in Thailand.  Hello kitty is finally used as it shoud be.  To shame.

The  Man This Guy Is A Pissant Award goes to that propaganda is bliss reporter Sean Penn.  He is apparently courting another whackjob Leader in Hugo Chavez, the New Fidel of Latin America.  Can’t wait to see the end result  in print.  I wonder what kind of story you see from behind the bulletproof windshield of a man beloved by all?

The I need One Home Run Award goes to Barry Bonds…just kiddin…i wouldn’t give him testicle sweat…it goes to candidate Ron Paul.  For a long time his supporters have been waiting for his mainstream chance, and when he got it he lobbed one into centerfield.  He seemed shrill, and his interview I thought went quite poorly.  He failed to deny a false allegation about the Alex Jones show, claimed the 2nd amendment needs to be changed in favor of less gun control, and recommended allowing younger citizens to opt out of social security.  He will make up the money from pulling out of Iraq he claimed.  Sorry, Ron.  You can only pay for so many things with money you save from pulling out of Iraq.  This was not the kind of powerful showing he needed, and even his pauliacs say he got a fair shake.  Unfortunately, they also think he was messianic. ( go to the video box.  There are two links to his comments)

monkey business

  Being a native of Wisconsin I would first like to say that Russ Feingold the spooge monkey is not representative of the people there.    His pandering to his superiors in the House with this abjectly stupid censure resolution is a simple matter of an overlooked congressman spending to much time in the shadowy halls of congress without recognition.  Everybody on the planet knows that the Bush administration has done an 8 year hatchet job on life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,  and wasting millions of dollars to push through a reesolution that does nothing isn’t going to make that more clear.  I don’t know about everybody else, but it’s just going to piss me off that you took my beer, babes, and poker money and spent it on that.  Why not just pass nasty notes back and forth?  Or doens’t fraulein Pelosi allow that in class?

73% of high school students in Detroit do not graduate on time.  Thats I think around 40% here in Indianapolis.  I could do a bunch of research and give you more numbers, but I think those two suffice.  I have a bunch of ideas on how we can fix this, but the problem is it isn’t broken.  This is that vast left/right wing conspiracy in action.  It goes something like this.

Leftie:  we seriously need the poor, uneducated vote or we have no base.

rightie: hmmm, and since we are converting our society from an industrial nation to a service oriented nation, we really don’t need a whole bunch of smart people running around pissed off at us because we shipped all the high paying jobs off to third world countries.

leftie:  You said it, and who really needs good service at starbucks? as long as the machine tells them what my change is were good to go.

Rightie:  true, and just to ensure we have a voting base we’ll send our dummies to church, and make every issue about religion.  Intolernce is wonderful societal control.

Leftie: cool, so we’ll keep em dumb.  what about the technology jobs, and medical, and…

rightie:  who cares…you haven’t noticed we’re old? good god man, i have an artery harden as often as I vote on anything.  We’ll be dead way before they know we fucked them.

leftie:  (big ol conspiratorial smile…you christians are devious)

rightie: yeah and you secular progressives are some real cocksuckers, but we needed a coconspirator.

 or something like that.

Chavez, the new grape ape of Socialism in the Western Hemisphere is already driving the Venezuelan oil industry into the ground.  this comes as no surprise, since socialism tends to make even the shysters apathetic about productivity.  You have to love a guy who can take a failed system, and convince a nation full of no hopers that its good for them.  Especially with an Island just to the north that used to be the pearl of the caribbean now a decidedly impoverished craphole.  I really like his efforts to stifle the intelligentsia.  Nothing makes the poor happier than seeing those actually giving a damn about their plight being beaten with truncheons. For those of you going to school in Detroit that means club.

Just like Solomon, the supreme court decided to split the desegregation baby.  A policy that doesn’t take into account many other factors is not allowed, but race as a factor should be permitted.  Or some such.  I think most parents would say they wish to send kids to school either close to home, or have free choice on where they go, not this government enforced idiocy.   Further, what do parents in Lousiana do? Bus their kids to Connecticut?  We spend time on this when the above school article is true.  Maybe if we spend some time working on what works, rather than what historically has not we would see some progress.

 And in my favorite monkey story of the day….one of my pauliac readers was offended by my article about Fred Thompson beating his spank monkey candidate in a totally inconsequential straw poll.  I didn’t hear him ranting at other Paul bloggers for going over the top when Ron Paul won the picnic poll, but that’s neither here nor there.  In the future, when those of you who peel your bananas with your feet wish to read a post here, you might wish to see if the tags would advise against it.  Funny means funny to me, turd chaser,  not to you.

 Chango’s de revolucion

the debate (the criminy perspective)

  Well, that was fun.  It wasn’t a debate.  It was a forum, but thats a semantic thing.  I have a few observations.  Some of them might even come off as intelligent.  We’ll see.

The I look presidential, I sound presidential, and I will be the next president award goes to (someone just shoot me now) Hillary Clinton.  She did look presidential…except for the female and we’ve never had a female president thing  I was pretty impressed by her.  I still don’t like her, but you have to admit the pantyline made her seem more human.  I would bet against anyone that underestimates her. 

Universal healthcare may be the hammer that destroys the democratic party.  How about limiting it to health care for the indigent, children, elderly and handicapped?

The I don’t really know how this works award goes to Barack Obama for saying he would directly meet with Chavez,Castro, Kim Jong Il, Assad, and Ahmadinejad.  Hillary and Edwards we’re quick to jump on the diplomatic faux pas.  It worries me a little that I knew all their names…my memory should be shot by now.

Who I could vote for award goes to – Joe Biden.  He makes sense.  He’s been around the block, he isn’t some rich fat cat looking to pad his fortune, and he’s been serving this country through a ton of personal strife.  I like the idea of partitioning Iraq, since there is no other idea that has any chance of working.  If it wasn’t for his voting record in congress he’d be the man.  I loved “If thats your baby, you need help” and the followup “I hope he doesn’t come looking for me.”  I also like his position on troops to Darfur

The “surprise criminy” award goes to Bill Richardson for not reciting his diplomatic resume no matter what the question was about.

The I not only look crazy I am crazy award goes to Dennis Kucinich for suggesting that people alive today deserve reperations for something that ended 142 years ago.

The I’m in control (anyone remember Alexander Haig) award goes to Anderson Cooper.  This is no Wolf Blitzer.  He handled things as moderator impeccably.  This guy really never looks bad no matter what he is doing, and I can think of a gazillion journalists(sycophants) that need to watch him and try to emulate him.  If you don’t believe me go over to you tube and get a copy of Sean Hannity’s interview with Huffington.  He is the only idiot on the planet that could make her look intellectual.

The whineass award goes to Mike Gravel…even though i really like this guy.  The reason you are not asked a lot of questions is because you are a marginal candidate.  I liked his firm stance on the died in vain controversy.  I know it’s hard to take, but if you die fighting for a cause, and have no affect on future events…then you probably from that perspective died in vain.

I’m not giving chris dodd an award.  I’m just going to say that I was wrong to judge this guy by his behaviour in senate hearings.  He’s lucid, earnest, and has a reasonable vision for the future if you remove all the stupid I have to say this to please my base rhetoric.  Nice job Chris.

minor notes:

I think it’s cute how they all rail against special interests and corporations.  I particularly liked the corporate carbon penalty idea.  What I think a lot of people don’t realize is that the more we regulate our industries, and force them to pay the costs…the less able they are to compete in the global market that these same public officials created.  I know it sounds good, but we are flat getting our asses kicked in global trade, and it’s because the countries that are eating our lunch are not being regulated the way we are.

Bill Richardsons 40K minimum wage for teachers.  That sounds nice don’t it…ok…i have a confession…I’ve been working at my current job since January.  I will make substantially more than 40K this year.  Here comes the good part.  I’m a painter.  I don’t know about you, but I think a society that pays its teachers less than it pays its painters deserves whatever fate hell can dream up for it.

I want to find fault with healthcare for illegal aliens but i can’t.everyone should receive medical attention if they need it, and under current law, believe it or not…you do.  Hospitals can not refuse to treat you.  They can transfer you to another facility, but you have to be treated.  Insured or not.  In theory.

   The gay marriage issue I’m going to do a flip flop on.  It’s not governments business.  I think what Obama said was right.  If churches wish to honor gay marriage thats fine.  It is a civil matter.  I do think that they should have all the same rights and privileges as married couples, but think they should have all the same costs.  Once entered into a civil union they should have to get a divorce to break it, and pay all the appropriate alimonies child support etc that the court deems appropriate .  Thats what I call getting kissed before you get f%$ked.

I thought it was nice of all these wonderful religious people to think it’s okay for people not to be religious, and to think they should still have a voice in our society.  It was very inclusive of them. *smack*

All in all it was entertaining.  Some of it was funny, some of it was sad, some of it was just plain stupid.  A typical presidential candidate forum.