I Can Haz Cat Nuggets?

August 8, 2007

How funny. Suddenly my blog is being visited by the cat folk. You know who I’m talking about. The walleyed, semi-literate set that frequents I can haz cheezeburger. Its our equivalent of the animal section at hallmark cards. I know why they come here. It’s a masochistic desire to learn about their sickness. In our society its not enough to know that you’re sick. You have to know what other people think about your disease.  Before I start this I’d like to slip this link in.  The wiseasses over at Ration Reality did this a couple of days ago, and since you are cat folk, and I’m the sort that believes in feeding a habit,  kitty pictures linked to my posts.  I haven’t retaliated, so if anyone has a suggestion other than “kiss my ass” slip me a comment.  Go ahead you catheads, have a look then read on.

So in an effort to quash the unwanted visitation of what I can only assume are lesser life forms I will try my hardest to explain it again. You like cats. That’s right. That’s the genesis of your disease. Instead of using them as god intended you pamper them, and house them, and let them kiss your mouth. Have you ever watched a cat lick its balls? Or its rectum? Did he brush his teeth when he was done? No. He kissed you. He licked you on your now cats butt infested mouth.

It’s okay though. You’re not likely to die from letting a cat lick your face after he washes his bottom. Nor from allowing the scurvy little buggers to spray your house down every time they go into heat. Nor from them sharpening their claws on grandmas Chippendale chair. You will of course be pitied by members of society that understand the proper place of a cat. Next to the green beans. On a plate.

I can probably help you though you troglodytic cretins. Maybe you’re just ignorant. Maybe you just don’t know any better. If thats the case the following will help you out. I’ve listed several acceptable uses for cats/kittens that may help you stop prostating yourself before the feline demons.

1. With just a little duct tape.a kitten makes a great croquet ball.

2. Drivers education. Take your child out driving and award points for cats and kittens. If he gets a hat trick buy him a pizza.

3. one word    souffle’

4. writing a thesis paper. Its alleged that cats always land on their feet. Toss one off the hoover dam. Write about the results.

5. Fetch. Any dog can get a ball and bring it back to you. Toss a kitten. It will help keep your dog healthy.

6. Pull. Cats make great clay pigeons. You can’t use a normal trap thrower, but if you grab it by its tail and throw it like a discus they spin perfectly, and make a fine red mist when hit making it easy to keep score.

7. pinatas. rubber cement candy to your cat and hang him from the tree for your child’s birthday party. Not only do the children get rewarded when they hit it, but it makes an awful racket, saving you money on noisemakers.

8. slippers   this one is self explanatory. just hollow out the rotten little craphead and slip in your feet. nothing like warm fresh kitty slippers.

9. tired of kids running across your lawn? Kill a cat and put it on a stick. Works much better than a scarecrow for birds too.

10. dusting. Again, obvious. If you’re gonna let the little beast get furballs on your carpet its a tradeoff that you use him to dust the furniture. Besides, a healthy dose of pledge will cover its stench.

Now knowing as I do that merely by hanging out with a cat you have proven just how dumb you are I can’t see you taking my advice. Its ok. Just go clean out that stinking cat-box you servant.

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time to schmooze the news (the blog effect)

July 20, 2007

  Well, it has finally come to pass that the largest special interest group in the country has a chance to take a stand against the federal government.  The Fiasco in Florida has again reared its ugly head in the news, and the polydactyl purrers at Hemingway House are again being threatened by that ever popular government Leviathan, the USDA.  Don’t these guys have beef to inspect? Why the hell are they messing with Snowball’s Descendants.  It’s time for the AARP…no, not that special interest group, dummie, the ICHC (i can haz cheeseburger) members to step up to the plate and let the government know where they stand.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070718/od_nm/usa_hemingway_cats_dc_1;_ylt=AqeAoF10R8BllG6xhSIYQUoL1vAI

 I’ve talked about this whole deal before.  Why is it okay to steal someone else’s work and post it on the net?  Worse, why do mainstream media outlets feel its okay?  I haven’t peeked, because I already know I’m right, but it is reprehensible that what this lady has worked so long on has been stolen by a couple of jerk off bloggers and posted on the web. These two clowns are why the phrase Spare the rod and spoil the child used to hold sway  on parenting methods.  The reviewers should have been fired, not published.  By the way, Harry Potter does not get swallowed by a giant white whale while smuggling hashish out of turkey.

http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=fa85329c-22d2-401d-8625-b526f2ead532&entry=index&sid=rss_topstories&utm_source=eonline&utm_medium=rssfeeds&utm_campaign=rss_topstories

who hasn’t felt like doing that.  I like to think of this story as the criminy effect.  If you’ve never thought of doing this I’ll send you a gift certificate to your favorite restaurant.  I will need affidavits from at least 231 close friends or reletives that can verify your claim.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070717/od_nm/germany_computer1_dc_1;_ylt=AqpXqizjXLFVXEViUUghUPAL1vAI

so lets tax smokers only to pay for childrens health care.  Hey, great Idea, and then we’ll tax fags to pay for M-16s, and women to pay for hooker testing in Vegas, and blacks to pay for slavery reperations.  What a government we have…what annoys me about this one is many of you are saying “let’s do it, I don’t smoke”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19827784/

  File this one under the internet should not be regulated.  Of course sexual predators give that comment 100% support, but maybe parents won’t after reading this story.  Child exploitation is big business on the web, and actually going after the kids is getting even bigger.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/07/19/sexual.photos.ap/index.html

  I bet Fox News hated reporting this one, but the left has to be feeling pretty froggie.   It claims that Hillary and Barack beat every republican candidate.  Sorry pauliacs, if Ron can’t beat Hillary he should go back to texas.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,289970,00.html

and thats the news from me.    Pakistan is doing what I said it would.  So is Iraq, so is pretty much everything else.  The news continues to be morbid on the domestic violence front.  I leave it alone because I like to joke, and there just isn’t anything funny about it.  We teach children to keep their hands to themselves, but apparently its a lesson to soon forgotten by adults.


Sunday is for random thoughts #4

July 1, 2007

1.   Doesn’t the latest terrorist failure in the British Isles make you wonder why it is that the mightiest nation on earth can’t whoop the Islamic version of the Keystone Cops?

2.   I always loved story problems in math.  This one shoud be on the SAT  If you leave los Angeles driving east at 65 MPH and another car leaves new york driving west at 65 MPH, how many licks will it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

3.  Barack Obama raised over $32 million dollars this quarter.  Proving you don’t need experience to run for president.  You just need a lot of stupid people with too much money to support you.

4.    Republicans won’t reveal their figures until this week.  Proving I suppose that The apple is faster than the abacus.

5.    these don’t seem random enough

6.   David Sedaris is the funniest homo to ever write a book.  Is homo still allowed or do I have to say heterosexually challenged individual?

7.   It’s unfortunate for Ron Paul that his supporters will not be allowed to vote hundreds of times in the primary.  Thats made him all the rage on web-based polls.  When the voting is real this guy won’t last through 5 states.

8.   In an effort to start feeding the hungry in impoverished areas of the world I intend to start promoting the cat as a viable food source on I can Haz cheeseburger.

9.  Hearing about Alli “treatment effects” senior management at Domino’s has begun a recruitment effort for the takers of this pill.  I believe its a cost cutting measure.  (don’t give me that look…I just got that off the wire…think it’ll change the taste of the pizza?)

10.   china” has begun a crackdown on political leaders that have mistresses.  Good plan.   The intent is to raise morality.  I bet it raises the divorce rate, and violence. 

11.   I wish they made an amnesia pill.  I’d take it even if it made you crap your pants.

12.  Roscoe can only see sideways.  Bet that would make driving a real bear.

13.  If your looking for work,  The government in India is looking to hire a “condom Man.”  I’m not sure if you have to be bald or not.

14.   it takes 20 hours to build a camry.  10 hours of that is painting.  It takes 164 hours to build a hummer for the military.  no painting included.

15.  if an ultra liberal and an ultra conservative had sex, what would the kid be?  It couldn’t happen.  Ultra liberals are all gay, and ultraconservatives don’t have sex.  Them not procreating is a good thing for the rest of us.  Kill off the “i’m to stupid to listen to reason gene,” maybe.

16.  I found a website that claims to contain (I didn’t check) women in my area that wish to have sex.  I’m not even going to get into the miracle of a midwestern woman that wants to have sex.  I’d just like to point out that this used to be what alcohol and badlines were used for.

17.  I just contemplated what my week at work is going to entail.  It’s the only thought that ever makes me look lovingly at the strychnine bottle.

18.  Based on what she licks my dogs favorite flavors are her butt and my chin.

19.  Ever notice that men who have daughters look older than men of comparable age that don’t?

20.  The world is an incredilby dangerous place.  That said, you are still more likely to die falling down than from all violent means combined.  I’m not sure how they score it if you fall down on a car bomb as you’re having your throat cut by a mugger.

21.  Have a good week.