I Can Haz Cat Nuggets?

August 8, 2007

How funny. Suddenly my blog is being visited by the cat folk. You know who I’m talking about. The walleyed, semi-literate set that frequents I can haz cheezeburger. Its our equivalent of the animal section at hallmark cards. I know why they come here. It’s a masochistic desire to learn about their sickness. In our society its not enough to know that you’re sick. You have to know what other people think about your disease.  Before I start this I’d like to slip this link in.  The wiseasses over at Ration Reality did this a couple of days ago, and since you are cat folk, and I’m the sort that believes in feeding a habit,  kitty pictures linked to my posts.  I haven’t retaliated, so if anyone has a suggestion other than “kiss my ass” slip me a comment.  Go ahead you catheads, have a look then read on.

So in an effort to quash the unwanted visitation of what I can only assume are lesser life forms I will try my hardest to explain it again. You like cats. That’s right. That’s the genesis of your disease. Instead of using them as god intended you pamper them, and house them, and let them kiss your mouth. Have you ever watched a cat lick its balls? Or its rectum? Did he brush his teeth when he was done? No. He kissed you. He licked you on your now cats butt infested mouth.

It’s okay though. You’re not likely to die from letting a cat lick your face after he washes his bottom. Nor from allowing the scurvy little buggers to spray your house down every time they go into heat. Nor from them sharpening their claws on grandmas Chippendale chair. You will of course be pitied by members of society that understand the proper place of a cat. Next to the green beans. On a plate.

I can probably help you though you troglodytic cretins. Maybe you’re just ignorant. Maybe you just don’t know any better. If thats the case the following will help you out. I’ve listed several acceptable uses for cats/kittens that may help you stop prostating yourself before the feline demons.

1. With just a little duct tape.a kitten makes a great croquet ball.

2. Drivers education. Take your child out driving and award points for cats and kittens. If he gets a hat trick buy him a pizza.

3. one word    souffle’

4. writing a thesis paper. Its alleged that cats always land on their feet. Toss one off the hoover dam. Write about the results.

5. Fetch. Any dog can get a ball and bring it back to you. Toss a kitten. It will help keep your dog healthy.

6. Pull. Cats make great clay pigeons. You can’t use a normal trap thrower, but if you grab it by its tail and throw it like a discus they spin perfectly, and make a fine red mist when hit making it easy to keep score.

7. pinatas. rubber cement candy to your cat and hang him from the tree for your child’s birthday party. Not only do the children get rewarded when they hit it, but it makes an awful racket, saving you money on noisemakers.

8. slippers   this one is self explanatory. just hollow out the rotten little craphead and slip in your feet. nothing like warm fresh kitty slippers.

9. tired of kids running across your lawn? Kill a cat and put it on a stick. Works much better than a scarecrow for birds too.

10. dusting. Again, obvious. If you’re gonna let the little beast get furballs on your carpet its a tradeoff that you use him to dust the furniture. Besides, a healthy dose of pledge will cover its stench.

Now knowing as I do that merely by hanging out with a cat you have proven just how dumb you are I can’t see you taking my advice. Its ok. Just go clean out that stinking cat-box you servant.