it’s ok…lets talk hookers, religion, politics, and abstinence

July 28, 2007

so many theories, so little time.  So many options to choose from.  Is this right, is that wrong, and if this IS right, then will someone please explain to me why THAT is wrong?  When I was younger I thought there was an outside possibility that I was out of my mind, because what had everyone else in such a quandrary made no difference to me whatsoever.  As I passed through middleage and started working on senility I realized it wasn’t me….it was all of you other folks that had lost your minds.  What led me to this conclusion?  Shoot, it was a simple preponderance of the evidence.

   Right now a big web thing is the whole last supper fresco.   You have to go check it out yourself because I make it a hard and fast rule not to argue myth and misconception unless I’m aroused, and I am decidedly not this morning. My aim this morning is to clarify some things, and the christian religion seems to me a good place to start.  All the myth, legend, and misinformation can not possibly lead us away from the inevitable conclusion that the bible and other religious dogma has laid before us.  I’ll try to explain this in three sentences or less so there is no misconceptions as to my premise.  Jesus was gay.  Anyone that spent all their time with matthew mark luke and john, when a hooker named mary was making herself available defies definition in any other manner.  Jesus the homo, and god save the queen, I believe we have found a logical explanation here.  I do think hanging someone from an old rugged cross on golgotha was a bit of an extreme reaction, especially since homophobia was not something the roman pervo masses were known for,  but then jewish pansies were not all that commmon, and maybe it was more about his beliefs than his proclivities.

  Lets stick to whores, trollops, hookers, and strumpets for a little longer, shall we? Several years ago Bill Clinton got his weasel popped in the oval office by Monica Lewinsky.  The rightwingers went berserk.  apparently they figured it was the first heterosexual act in said locale, and that it somehow defiled the office of the presidency. Interestingly enough, amongst the populace the most common reactions I heard we’re;

from the women:  “I’d blow his hillbilly ass in the mens room at the Shell station” (I paraphrased)

from the men:  “oh cool, blow jobs aren’t cheating, the president said so”

from Monica:  “thats how to get rich sucking a dick girls.  Sure beats 10 bucks a throw down at the truck stop”

from Hillary: “Damn Bill, I said I didn’t care if you got a blow job, but I meant within the species, you asshole”

from Ron Paul:  ” That would get my vote, but it’s not in the constitution”

from Billy Graham:  “when you’re done sucking on that, could you get ORAL Roberts on the phone?  I want his opinion on this one.”

   So now Larry Flynt is offering millions for you to bust out anyone in the D.C. madam book.  He claims to have thirty solid leads.  He is willing to pay millions because in our puritanical society nothing tars a man like paying for some sex.  The beauty of this is that those who came out staunchly in favor of extramarital sexual activity, a known sin to the christian religion (see the ten commandments), are now waiting on the edge of their over tittilated seats for the names to come out.  Which proves what we do well in America is hypocrisy.  I personally am all for sex.  Don’t care who you do or how much you pay them.  As long as its consenting adults if you like being slathered in whipped cream and then being beaten with briars by a herd of rampaging eunuchs you have more than my blessing, you have my wholehearted approval.  If you have a problem with our leaders having sex with hookers, please explain to me how else they are going to get laid?  Would you bang any of them for free? I thought not.  Do you really want leaders who are sexually frustrated?  If you do you’ve never been beaten by a nun.  Christ, if Ted Kennedy isn’t getting his shorty stiffened now and again he’s going to start advocating nuking Kennebunkport.  Which probably isn’t a bad thing if you don’t live in Kennnebunkport.

   About the whole abstinence thing.  My parents we’re protestants.  Lutheran to be exact, then somewhere along the trail decided to become members of the pentecostal cult.  Abstinence was sex education in my home growing up.  Outside of my home sex education was whichever fetching young lass I could talk out of her britches, or talked me out of mine. I do remember the principal in sixth grade taking all the boys into one class, and the female teacher that had never had sex taking the girls to the other and discussing sex with us.  If I recall right it involved Grey’s anatomy diagrams.  Whats funny, is the boys were only shown the boy diagram, and the girls only the female diagram.  Do you think our little public school was trying to dictate homosexual behavior to us?  My point is, abstinence and same sex diagrams do not trump raging hormones and curiosity.  Never have, never will.  Arm your children with knowledge, not with your fears.  Also, don’t dump this responsibility on the public school system.  Those nitwits can’t teach the three R’s,(reading riting, and rithmetic…see what i mean) do you really want them explaining sex to your children?

   Ok, thats enough of this.  I haven’t had sex in like forever, and I’m starting to feel irrational.  i think I’ll go beat up my neighbor.


the week sans pictures

July 22, 2007

   Well, my daughter came home from Brown county.  They went horseback riding, and she greeted me with “dad you just have to get me that horse.”  When I responded that their was no way in hell I was getting a horse she said “well Kelsey’s cat had kittens….can I have one of those?”  Girls think they are so smart, but following on the heels of the $100 gorilla trick I wasn’t falling for it.  NO CATS.  Unless they are on a plate smothered in hollandaise sauce is a hard and fast rule in my house.

   I have decided on a Toyota Carolla as my car of the future, and the future is now.  My reasoning is its relatively inexpensive, has four doors, and  should last at least twenty years. By which time I have every intention of being part of the bar at O’malleys.

   Mollie and I dined on tostitos and cheese sauce with jalapenos and Rotel.  In a few short hours we should be lying in virtual agony staring miserably at each other.  I will teach her to quit eating my food even if it kills me.  What kind of friggin dog eats dried, rolled, pressed, salted corn for christsake?

i found some funny stuff.  In fact this one had me rollin.  I’ve been to the blog before, and it tends to be quite amusing.  This one was absolutely delightful though.

and then there is this one.  I like her wit, sarcasm, and wry biting editorializing on all things human.  Some very funny real life kinda stuff here.

   I see pakistan is making the news regularly now.  Wolf “asswind” Blitzer was trying to goad their foreign minister into saying something bad about the relationship with the U.S. Government.  He failed, mainly because the foreign minister blamed our media for the relationship problem.  It was pretty funny.  Wolf Blitzer couldn’t get a 6 year old to say “I want ice cream.”  He then tried to hammer on the Iraqi Deputy prime minister about their parliament going on break.  The DPM patiently explained to the nimrod that their parliament is kind of like our congress and does whatever idiotic thing pops into their collective ADD hampered brains.  I saw it live, but you can probably find the clips by typing “Hippo assfeathers and other idiotic things” into your browser window.  If that doesn’t work try “shitferbrains” or “CNN’s talking sphincter muscle.” 

I’m sure these will work because someone got to Criminy’s house of inanity by typing in “the journey of a tampon.”  Other great or near great search engine hits this week are “penguin javelin” (i think they were looking for D. Peace), gump &co khomeini (no idea), i have to pee so so badly ( i know why, i just don’t understand WHY?), and this just in “diet tampons.” Try one…wash it down with a diet soda for the apex in culinary disgust.

  I wrote a post on how Ron Paul could become President.  It included likely things like him taking barack Obama as a running mate.  The pauliacs seemed to think it all made sense, which pleased me because I thought I had at least two bats loose from the belfry whilst I wrote it.  To prove my theory was utterly preposterous, Ron came in with another rousing 2% poll number today.  I swear, that campaign is on fire.  He’s no John McCain, but maybe if they toss some petrochemicals on it they can be.  BTW, they crowed about how much better than McCain (who IS virtually dead) Dr. Paul was doing….McCain got 20 %.  Which means you won’t hear about this poll anywhere but here, because they only report well fabricated good news.

   I wonder if i can get the Toyota in a nice periwinkle?  Laugh trogs, I have a purple beretta.  Anything is possible if you set your mind to it.

Contrary to what you are reading all over the blog, President dipshits latest executive orders don’t mean any more than the others.  You can protest the war, they’ll torture whoever they damn well feel like, and people in topeka will continue to dream about living someplace nice like Guam.  These were not earth shattering changes in policy.  They were legalistic manifesto’s with maybe some historical significance.  Hard to blame him.  How would you like to be him in a history book 20 years from now.

In sports the National Felony League continues its meteoric rise to the top of the sports infamy list with that humane society poster child Mikey Vick.  He’s like the 40th football player arrested this year.  My only problem with the hue and cry on this is that people seem surprised.  People are being payed millions to play a game, are spoiled rotten, worshipped by agents, fans, and sport monkeys on ESPN, and then we wonder why they act like a bunch of rotten kids.

  In the NBA, an official has been caught betting on games he refereed.  Like a true American instead of taking his lumps he is talking about naming names.  Like the whole world doesn’t know organized professional athletics aren’t crooked as hell?  This doesn’t even belong on the news.  I want the names from the hooker book…Larry Flynt says he may release all 30 at once, and we’ll be stunned.  Yeah, I’m gonna be stunned because some pathetically disgusting politician is getting his crotch rocket juiced by a hooker.  That’ll happen. 

   Last but not least, for the last time Dick Cheney is not satan.  Satan is a girl scout compared to this guy.  I kind of like   him.  He’s like the chancre sore you appreciate when your great aunt edna the mouth kisser visits.