I Can Haz Cat Nuggets?

August 8, 2007

How funny. Suddenly my blog is being visited by the cat folk. You know who I’m talking about. The walleyed, semi-literate set that frequents I can haz cheezeburger. Its our equivalent of the animal section at hallmark cards. I know why they come here. It’s a masochistic desire to learn about their sickness. In our society its not enough to know that you’re sick. You have to know what other people think about your disease.  Before I start this I’d like to slip this link in.  The wiseasses over at Ration Reality did this a couple of days ago, and since you are cat folk, and I’m the sort that believes in feeding a habit,  kitty pictures linked to my posts.  I haven’t retaliated, so if anyone has a suggestion other than “kiss my ass” slip me a comment.  Go ahead you catheads, have a look then read on.

So in an effort to quash the unwanted visitation of what I can only assume are lesser life forms I will try my hardest to explain it again. You like cats. That’s right. That’s the genesis of your disease. Instead of using them as god intended you pamper them, and house them, and let them kiss your mouth. Have you ever watched a cat lick its balls? Or its rectum? Did he brush his teeth when he was done? No. He kissed you. He licked you on your now cats butt infested mouth.

It’s okay though. You’re not likely to die from letting a cat lick your face after he washes his bottom. Nor from allowing the scurvy little buggers to spray your house down every time they go into heat. Nor from them sharpening their claws on grandmas Chippendale chair. You will of course be pitied by members of society that understand the proper place of a cat. Next to the green beans. On a plate.

I can probably help you though you troglodytic cretins. Maybe you’re just ignorant. Maybe you just don’t know any better. If thats the case the following will help you out. I’ve listed several acceptable uses for cats/kittens that may help you stop prostating yourself before the feline demons.

1. With just a little duct tape.a kitten makes a great croquet ball.

2. Drivers education. Take your child out driving and award points for cats and kittens. If he gets a hat trick buy him a pizza.

3. one word    souffle’

4. writing a thesis paper. Its alleged that cats always land on their feet. Toss one off the hoover dam. Write about the results.

5. Fetch. Any dog can get a ball and bring it back to you. Toss a kitten. It will help keep your dog healthy.

6. Pull. Cats make great clay pigeons. You can’t use a normal trap thrower, but if you grab it by its tail and throw it like a discus they spin perfectly, and make a fine red mist when hit making it easy to keep score.

7. pinatas. rubber cement candy to your cat and hang him from the tree for your child’s birthday party. Not only do the children get rewarded when they hit it, but it makes an awful racket, saving you money on noisemakers.

8. slippers   this one is self explanatory. just hollow out the rotten little craphead and slip in your feet. nothing like warm fresh kitty slippers.

9. tired of kids running across your lawn? Kill a cat and put it on a stick. Works much better than a scarecrow for birds too.

10. dusting. Again, obvious. If you’re gonna let the little beast get furballs on your carpet its a tradeoff that you use him to dust the furniture. Besides, a healthy dose of pledge will cover its stench.

Now knowing as I do that merely by hanging out with a cat you have proven just how dumb you are I can’t see you taking my advice. Its ok. Just go clean out that stinking cat-box you servant.

Ron paul goes mainstream and other news awards

August 6, 2007

Sometimes I schmooze the news, and sometimes I do awards.  Todays crop seems award worthy, so lets see what we got.

The best man for the job is a dumbass award goes to General David Petraeus.  The genral was in charge of arming the Iraqi forces between 2004 and 2005.  It is quite possible that while we scream about the Iranians arming the insurgents the truth is, we did.  If this guy can’t count beans, what the hell is he doing leading all U.S. Forces in Iraq.  Assistant dumbass awards go to the Defense Department, and the White House.  The General didn’t create the cluster f&%k, he merely presided over it.

The Wizard of Oz Award goes to Congressional Democrats who displayed their lack of heart, brains, and courage by allowing the Bush Administration to bitch slap them again on the wiretapping issue (FISA).  The people who elected the democrats are in full scream over this duplicitous behaviour by their elected officials who used the wiretapping like a civil liberties club to get themselves the majority.  This isn’t the first time Nancy, Harry, and the rest have turned their back on the voters who ensured their employment.

  The Ostrich award goes to every single elected official who has ignored the infrastructure of this country over the last 30 years.  This link takes you to a state by state map of every bridge that is either structurally deficient, or structurally obsolete in America.  About 50 in my home town alone.  Some 25% of the total number of bridges in the country.

The Big Bang Award will not be going to Rush Limbaugh and Rosie O’donnell, as I can’t pin down the facts on their alleged tryst.  We’ll have to give it to the next largest collision of heavenly bodies in existence.  This is kind of cool if you’re into cosmic astrophysics type stuff.

The Cat Banging a Cheese Grater award goes to Sinead O’connor.  She has released her new album Theology, based on god stuff.  Yeah, the Sinead that tore up the picture of the pope.  Have a listen, and let me know when you’re IQ returns to normal what you think.

The Ebony and Ivory Award almost went to Michael Vick, but it turns out prison bars aren’t made of Ivory.  this is actually a very interesting article.  Interracial marriage with pro and con looks at the issue.

The Ican haz pink armband Award goes to policemen in Thailand.  Hello kitty is finally used as it shoud be.  To shame.

The  Man This Guy Is A Pissant Award goes to that propaganda is bliss reporter Sean Penn.  He is apparently courting another whackjob Leader in Hugo Chavez, the New Fidel of Latin America.  Can’t wait to see the end result  in print.  I wonder what kind of story you see from behind the bulletproof windshield of a man beloved by all?

The I need One Home Run Award goes to Barry Bonds…just kiddin…i wouldn’t give him testicle sweat…it goes to candidate Ron Paul.  For a long time his supporters have been waiting for his mainstream chance, and when he got it he lobbed one into centerfield.  He seemed shrill, and his interview I thought went quite poorly.  He failed to deny a false allegation about the Alex Jones show, claimed the 2nd amendment needs to be changed in favor of less gun control, and recommended allowing younger citizens to opt out of social security.  He will make up the money from pulling out of Iraq he claimed.  Sorry, Ron.  You can only pay for so many things with money you save from pulling out of Iraq.  This was not the kind of powerful showing he needed, and even his pauliacs say he got a fair shake.  Unfortunately, they also think he was messianic. ( go to the video box.  There are two links to his comments)

I just washed my utopia and I can’t do a thing with it

August 5, 2007

     I’ve had some nasty things done to me in the ol blog world.   From having my blog hijacked, to being called everything in the book by my Ron Paul fanatics.   I even had one tell me I had just written the dumbest thing he had ever read on a blog.  I was offended until i found out he was a 30 year old libertarian and had only been reading for 2 weeks. Today though is a day that shall live (at least for me) in infamy.

Last weekend I found a blog full of truly reprehensible heathens, and overwhelmed by an incomprehensible sensation of pity, I spoke to them.  Practically treated them like equals, even though it became abundantly clear at the onset that this blog was obviously staffed by an eclectic mix of short bus rejects.

   Though they were apparently afflicted by more neurosis than the staff of the White House, I stll felt that it was my civic duty to attempt to improve their lot in life.  Which I did, by allowing them to bask in the glow of my brilliance while they continued to toil away slavishly at their what can only be described as “intellectually malfeasant” blog.

   Today I received my comeuppance.  In the best tradition of no good deed shall go unpunished these blog slugs somehow paid someone to create pictures with words on them for their little corner of blog hell.  These pictures are of cats.  These pictures are linked to posts, one of which is cleverly titled 6 a.m. Hateful, and written by me.  Yeah.  They linked my blog to a cat.  Not even a good cat coated in cornbread and served with potatoes and gravy.  A furry ornery little fourlegged version of satan is what they linked my pristinely virtuous literary masterpiece to.

  We’re these not obviously the human versions of a gene pool picostimus I would be on them like Doug Heffernan on a chicken…like the pope on an alter boy…like linsey lohan on a crack pipe.  Instead I shall rise above because picking on the mentally handicapped is not acceptable behaviour.  Also because they are far superior to me technologically, and this kind of thing would almost certainly keep happening if i were to declare a blog war. 

Payback is a bitch they tell me, and ms. Bagel has one coming.  The rest of them of course shall be tossed in under the guilt by association clause. 

Bunch of icanhazcheeseburger wannabe’s.

very funny


What is a Pauliac? (quiz)

July 12, 2007

  Pauliac: paw-lee-ack  A zealous follower of Ron Paul, manifesting itself primarily on the internet, but can also be found scattered across the Northern Mexico Territory of Texas, and in small enclave’s scattered across North America.

How To Tell If You Are A Pauliac

Each yes answer is worth one point.  Scoring is at the bottom.

1.  Have you voted more than once in the same online poll?

2.  Does your reading comprehension decrease when you read something negative about Ron Paul?

3.  Have you caught yourself saying “but the other candidates are worse” in lieu of an actual point in an argument about Ron Paul?

4.  Do you own more than 7 handguns and belong to a militia?

5.  Do you think racism is blown out of proportion, and not really relevant in todays society?

6.  Have you ever drooled more than a quart while on one of your famous tirades about the magnificence of Ron Paul?

7.  Do you think libertarian means “the complete destruction of the federal government” in favor of a totalitarian regime led my the miniscule marvel?

8.  Have most of your friends stopped talking to you, and do your neighbors drive around the block rather than have to wave to your crazy ass?

9.  Do you believe taxes should be like the earth….flat?

10.  Have you ever when locked in your bathroom reading Ron Paul Today with your pants around your ankles thought, “man he is such a hunk?”

11.  in your Ron Paul loving lexicon, is liberal defined as “gay” and is conservative defined as “fascist?”

12.  Do you think criminyjicket is the wisest blogger on the face of the earth?

if you answered yes to 12 questions you are utterly confused, and not allowed to vote because you are currently incarcerated in a penal or mental institution.

if you answered yes to 11 questions you are not only a pauliac, but are also being sought by the law in at least four states, and by unwed mothers in at least three others.

if you answered yes to between 6-10 questions you are a garden variety Pauliac.  There is no hope for you.  You will spend the next 1.5 years walking in the shadow of his vainglorious personage, utterly convinced he has a chance.  You will spend the 4 years after that saying “things would have been different if Ron Paul hadn’t been ignored by the media.

if you answered yes to between 3 and-5 questions you are a pauliac, but you’ll get over it when you realize that he is just another politician.

if you answered yes to 2 questions, and neither of them was number 12, you are a liberal.  You just haven’t figured out yet that Ron Paul Hates You.

if you answered yes to only one question and it was not number 12, you are a centrist.  Once it all sorts itself out you will vote for the democratic candidate that wins the primary.

if you answered yes to only one question and it was number 12, you are either a blood relative, incredibly bright, or are sucking up to me in hopes of suckering me out of something later.

10 years ago

July 11, 2007

this is a weak at best tag from  MAX.  In order that you may avoid this, if you read this post you are tagged.  If you leave now you are stoopid…it could be good.

What were you doing 10 years ago?

I was Managing a rubber dick store.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

Painting bridges for the Monon Trail  Barbie pink.

Five Songs That You Know All The Lyrics To.

1. Jinglebells.

2. Henry the 8th by herman and the hermits.

3. the star spangled banner by francis Scott Key

4. The 1812 overture by Pyotr Ilych Tchaikovsky

5. Roll Me Away by Bob Seger

Five Things You Would Do If You Were a Millionaire.

1. Buy Roscoe a woman

2. Go on an unsane Victoria’s Secret models buying spree. Could anything be more fun for me than buying every model in the catalog? Could anything be more fun for the sales person? Love fest!

3. Tell my kids they can’t have any of it just to see the expressions on their faces.

4. get some new 501’s, and a maid to wash them.

5.   go to work…a million will be gone after the first Victoria’s Secret model I’m thinking

 5 Bad Habits

I have no bad habits…my heart is pure

Five Things You Like To Do.

1. name redacted

2. name redacted

3. name redacted

4. name redacted

5. sleep

Five Things You Would Never Wear Again.

1. a Blast hood.

 2. fatigues

3. tafetta.  (nope…it’s none of your business.)

4. boxers with scooby doo or rudolph  on them.  

5.  an inmate number.

5 favorite toys

1. Blonde

2. Brunette

3. Redhead

4.  sheep

5. pauliacs

tis done

Things I know nothing about

June 19, 2007

     I know.   You’re thinking I could just type the word everything, and it would be hard to dispute.  This may be true, but in keeping with my policy of trying to never make any real contribution to the human race, I think it best if I elaborate a little.  It will take more time, and will therefore ensure that I accomplish nothing worthwhile for a longer period of time.

women:  surprised?  I don’t know anything about them because I make no effort to distinguish between genders when it comes to how I view my fellow man.  I’ve heard all the reports about how womens brains work differently, and I confess I find that fasscinating.  Not fascinating enough to put down my Pabst or my crossword puzzle, but fascinating.  As far as opinion goes, and I don’t claim this to be knowledge, I find them to spend entirely to much time thinking with their vaginas, always needing help carrying heavy things, and all around poor conversationalists unless you talk about what they wish to talk about.  They are also fun to look at, and from what I hear are necessary for the procreation of the specoes.  Hopefully science can make that last one untrue in the near future.

wine:  Ah yes, the fruit of the grape.  Who cares.   Overrated.  When I want a drink I don’t wish to “let it breathe”.  I also prefer that it not taste like a herd of wildebeests just urinated in my mouth.  Thousands to choose from, made all over the globe, and still not one that can replace a decent rum and coke.  Of course, it does give the obnoxiously narcissistic something to lord over the waiter, so its not a totally worthless product.

cigars: legend has it that the reason cigars from cuba are better is because they are rolled between the thighs of virgins.  No kiddin?  So rolling something between the thighs of a virgin upgrade it from “noxious” to “holy shit that thing stinks?” Nice upgrade.  I’m not anti-smoking so this isn’t some prima donna rant, but who  in their right mind would put anything that smells like that in their mouth?  Cigar smokers are quite possibly also the people sneaking around eating the dog shit left in my yard by the mooch.

Children:  I’ve raised three now, not all the way to the age of maturity, but damn close, and i still can’t figure em out.  What do they need all that money for?  When I was their age it was for dope and pussy, but they don’t come home high, (trust me, I’d know).  Which makes me fear for the virgin status of every girl between 12 and 20 living within a 10 mile radius.  Lord knows they spend enough to have accomplished a genghis kahn style pillaging of the entire city.  Do kids really think shoes make them cool? And tell me, how do you run from the cops with your britches cinched around mid-thigh?  The daughter is even harder to figure out, and keeps me so flabbergasted I can’t even speak on it.

I was gonna add love to this list, but I know all I need to know about that.  If a person has to change, then I don’t love them.  If I have to change…then they can kiss my rosie red sphincter.

Ron Paul Fundraisers

June 19, 2007

  Just thougth I’d help out with a few Idea’s to raise money for Ron…..lord knows, anyone that only has holdings in 6 gold conglomerates needs the cash.

The Ron Paul Regatta and Demolition Derby:  This should be a hoot.  It starts out as a boat race, but being its Ron Paul fans they are all going in their own direction.  When the last boat sinks Ron Gets the money.

The Henry Gibson lookalike contest:  This one works like a walk- a- thon.  You dress up like Henry Gibson, who is the spitting image of Ron Paul.  Then you take pledges based on how long you can portray one of Henry’s beloved characters.  for those of you to young to know what I’m talking about I have included a handy dandy Henry Gibson Link for your educational enjoyment.    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Gibson   (the link includes a picture…i’d show it here but I’m not a thief)

The Ron Paul off shore oil drilling race:  Yes, you heard it here.  The trick to this one (since just anybody can drill for oil offshore) is that you have to receive all funding from the government.  Ron approves of this, though it contradicts his “free market” idealogy.  No kiddin.  You can read it for yourself at vote-smart.org    He voted for the  federal government to pay for offshore oil exploration.  Kind of a strange small government stance, but hey, its a chance for his many fans to get wet, dirty, and spends oodles of government funds, while assisting “poor” Ron in his bid for the presidency.

The two faces Jamboree:  This ones easy.  just pick a topic, put on a Ron Paul mask and vote for issues as many times as you can.  This would work well as a pledge event.  What you do is you vote against an issue because  “you don’t think the federal government has any right being involved in this issue”  then turn around and vote for a similar issue, without mentioning your anti federal government stance.

A Hang Abe Lincoln in effigy contest:  Why the hell shouldn’t Georgia have slaves after all if they so desire?  Its a state issue and the federal government shouldn’t be involved.  This may seem extreme, but I haven’t heard Ron Paul come out against slavery.  It was his “states rights ” issue that was the basis for the civil war…lets do it again.  I’ve been wanting to shoot me a redneck for quite sometime now.

These are just a few great ideas to help “poor” ron raise money for his campaign.  I’m not donating.  booze is expensive, and I support the Anhueser Busch clydesdales for president.

I don’t feel like writing.

June 19, 2007

  Not for any particular reason.  i didn’t feel like killing a millwright today either.  Of course I didn’t do that.  I’m not writing either.  I’m doing what everyone else does.  I’m typing that which is unworthy of being read by the masses.  I don’t mind.  I see what y’all like about it.  Kind of mind numbing, not as physical as masturbation, and you don’t have to clean up after.

      A lot of books I’ve read I think were written just this way.  Someone sat down with no desire to write, and then did it anyway.  Then on a monday morning some editor found the manuscript laying in his in basket, and not particularly feeling like editing threw it in the trash.   The janitor, who had been drinking mimosa’s since 8a.m. saturday morning felt the manuscript to weighty to carry down to the dumpster, and deviously placed it in the editors outbox.

     The manuscript found its way eventually to the publisher, who had no idea the editor spent monday mornings praying for a painless death, andc was totally unaware that a miscreant of a lazy janitor didn’t feel like working through his 7 on a scale of 1 to 10 hangover.  Ignorance being as effective a tool on publishers as it is on the rest of us,   the manuscript was put in the queue awaiting publication.

    You now know how all these books by Coulter, Moore, Stephanopolous (just wanted to challenge myself), limbaugh, et al found there way into every waiting room in the country.  Madonna’s got there because she showed her tits.  Mine is still awaiting the worthless editor lazy janitor ignorant publisher troika to do their work…or not…as the case may be

so today

June 15, 2007

  I was called names.  Darn it.  whatever shall I do.  My blog was hijacked, and i was slandered by a young woman who by appearances is quite perturbed with me.  Again with the darn it

for all you gold digging hussies out there.  I do not have a book deal with random house, nor am I banging that horsefaced anal retentive ann coulter.  I do however have a job, never borrow money, and raise three kids by myself.  want some of that ladies?  Then let me go farther, i am short, fat, bald, have only one testicle, a large goiter on the side of my neck suffer from polio and angina, have only three teeth remaining, and based on past performance am intolerably bad in bed.  There are roughy 7000 pictures of my naked genitals somewhere on the net, and they will all prove that my weapon of mass dysfunction is not John holmesian.

   What I do have is an incredible talent for bringing out the worst in people.  That being said, you should maybe hang around some.  You probably haven’t seen your worst yet.  I can take an almost sane, only slightly bipolar, and suffering from ADD, human and turn them into a snivelling quivering fuzzy little ball of hate.  This takes mere minutes.  If you want towering hateful gelatinous mass of rage you gotta gimme a minute more than that.

What the problem is folks is honesty.  I lack tact…i sneer at diplomacy, and i find some shit just too damn funny to pass up.  This is fine at blog central, but in the real world it pisses off your average room temperature IQ packing refugee from the shallow end of the gene pool.  Which is nothing compared to what it does to a closet narcissist, openly claiming to be insecure type human.

   But then what do I know, as my good friend johnny b goode aka whitish rabbit says…..aw hell, i  can never remember what chicks say.  I guess trading an ear for a third arm was a big mistake after all