News that fails to amuse

  Hard not to start with this.  Actually, some coming later seem worse, but I can’t stomach them right now.  17 pounds of weapons grade uranium s missing in China.  apparently, it was passed around by different folks so much it got lost in the shuffle.

after admitting to killing dogs that lost fights or were unworthy, Mr. Vick apologized for poor judgement.  what the hell.

I’m not even sure what to say about this….people suck doesn’t quite cover it.  How does one ignore cries for help from someone being sexually assaulted?  I’m apparently not evolved enough to understand this one.

yaye…i’m happy for em…can we really not talk about wrinkly old people screwing? and the oral sex thing…welll, boys and girls, thats just about the grossest imagery since  pinhead.

another food recall.  Whats with getting crap on food, and then selling it to people?

“Only little people pay taxes,” and other news stuff

So Michael copped a plea.  This article says he’ll get 10-12 months, but I think thats less than the guys who snitched on him.  Seems to me it’s more likely to be 2 years.  All things considered he’s going to pay a stiff price for this, but I would imagine people will think not stiff enough.

  The queen of mean has passed away, at the age of 87.  Rich women seem to be dieing a lot lately.  Anyway, this is one of those articles that talks good and bad about the dead.  Enjoy, it’s entertaining reading.

I reckon he had this coming.  More text messaging is satan news.

Bear eats man.  There is justice.  Actually, this is kismet.  If you’re dumb or drunk enouhg to get naked in a bear cage with a pair of grizzlies, getting eaten is the best you can hope for.  You think he was trying to get laid? Crazy Serbians.

Hurricane Dean is making a mess, and the Cancun vacations have been spoiled.  Could be cat 5 soon.  It’s raining here too, though I doubt I’ll get any sympathy.

Man you liberals are violent.  Here we have another case of an insanely enraged liberal congressman acting out.  When will we learn that these treehuggers are dangerous people and should be behind bars?  This is just outrageous.  Kiddin…get over yourself.

todays health tip is six ways to sleep better.  Man I love to sleep.  i wish I was a bear so i could hibernate.,,,ummmm….and eat naked people.

Wow…an airliner exploded..at an airport i’ve been to…this looks pretty wild.  Maybe boeing has its ass in another crack.  I bet it will be maintenance blamed.

Elvira Arellano gets deported. I’m starting a pool.  It took her like 3 days to get back last time.  I’m going with an over/under of one week…

Ron paul goes mainstream and other news awards

Sometimes I schmooze the news, and sometimes I do awards.  Todays crop seems award worthy, so lets see what we got.

The best man for the job is a dumbass award goes to General David Petraeus.  The genral was in charge of arming the Iraqi forces between 2004 and 2005.  It is quite possible that while we scream about the Iranians arming the insurgents the truth is, we did.  If this guy can’t count beans, what the hell is he doing leading all U.S. Forces in Iraq.  Assistant dumbass awards go to the Defense Department, and the White House.  The General didn’t create the cluster f&%k, he merely presided over it.

The Wizard of Oz Award goes to Congressional Democrats who displayed their lack of heart, brains, and courage by allowing the Bush Administration to bitch slap them again on the wiretapping issue (FISA).  The people who elected the democrats are in full scream over this duplicitous behaviour by their elected officials who used the wiretapping like a civil liberties club to get themselves the majority.  This isn’t the first time Nancy, Harry, and the rest have turned their back on the voters who ensured their employment.

  The Ostrich award goes to every single elected official who has ignored the infrastructure of this country over the last 30 years.  This link takes you to a state by state map of every bridge that is either structurally deficient, or structurally obsolete in America.  About 50 in my home town alone.  Some 25% of the total number of bridges in the country.

The Big Bang Award will not be going to Rush Limbaugh and Rosie O’donnell, as I can’t pin down the facts on their alleged tryst.  We’ll have to give it to the next largest collision of heavenly bodies in existence.  This is kind of cool if you’re into cosmic astrophysics type stuff.

The Cat Banging a Cheese Grater award goes to Sinead O’connor.  She has released her new album Theology, based on god stuff.  Yeah, the Sinead that tore up the picture of the pope.  Have a listen, and let me know when you’re IQ returns to normal what you think.

The Ebony and Ivory Award almost went to Michael Vick, but it turns out prison bars aren’t made of Ivory.  this is actually a very interesting article.  Interracial marriage with pro and con looks at the issue.

The Ican haz pink armband Award goes to policemen in Thailand.  Hello kitty is finally used as it shoud be.  To shame.

The  Man This Guy Is A Pissant Award goes to that propaganda is bliss reporter Sean Penn.  He is apparently courting another whackjob Leader in Hugo Chavez, the New Fidel of Latin America.  Can’t wait to see the end result  in print.  I wonder what kind of story you see from behind the bulletproof windshield of a man beloved by all?

The I need One Home Run Award goes to Barry Bonds…just kiddin…i wouldn’t give him testicle sweat…it goes to candidate Ron Paul.  For a long time his supporters have been waiting for his mainstream chance, and when he got it he lobbed one into centerfield.  He seemed shrill, and his interview I thought went quite poorly.  He failed to deny a false allegation about the Alex Jones show, claimed the 2nd amendment needs to be changed in favor of less gun control, and recommended allowing younger citizens to opt out of social security.  He will make up the money from pulling out of Iraq he claimed.  Sorry, Ron.  You can only pay for so many things with money you save from pulling out of Iraq.  This was not the kind of powerful showing he needed, and even his pauliacs say he got a fair shake.  Unfortunately, they also think he was messianic. ( go to the video box.  There are two links to his comments)

Sunday is for random thoughts #9

It’s sunday again.   Time for more random thoughts from the thoughtless.  If you are easily offended hit the out button.  My blog has been caterized, and I’m decidedly cranky.

1.  our schools are in disarray, our infrastructure is crumbling,  and we have over 500 varieties of beer to choose from.  I don’t see a problem here.

2.  I feel that tarring and feathering should be part of the criminal code, and this is when it should be used.

3.   Roscoe chewed through the wires on my cable box.  This was either a suicide attempt or a murder attempt.  Either way it was poorly executed, since we are both still alive.

4.  I would like a bagel with everything so i can go put it under the tire of my car and run over it.  It’s like hanging someone in effigy.  It packs no punch, but you get to feel like an idiot.

5.  If whites and blacks can’t agree that dogfighting is bad, what hope have we of agreeing on anything?  I think blacks only find dogfighting to be ok when its a famous black person.  Kind of like the whole O.J. and murder thing.   It kind of bothers me that this has been made racial.

6.  Give me a hammer, a paring knife, a roll of duct tape, and a fifth of anything with a spanish sounding name, and I’ll make McGuyver look dull normal.

7.  I’m not pleased with the way random thoughts is going today, but at least my Tourettes Syndrome appears to be in remission.

8.  19 million people in Bangladesh and India think Al Gore is a dumbass, and I’m smart as hell…more global wetting issues.

9.   sex is overrated and underutilized.

10.  that being said, you may disrobe now.

11.  While it may seem cute, buying your newborn a shirt that says “now that I’m safe I’m pro-choice” is a fashion no-no.

12.  I’m to sexy…well, I’m not but this is:

my son taught me how to do that.  It has come to my attention that being blog illiterate is not safe.  If only for self defense I need to know how to do more than just type blithering idiocy.  That clip was bastardized from the world of warcraft.  All I can say is that is not a proper form of birth control, but probably works in the abstinence category.  I’ll credit this later…he didn’t get me the URL.

13.   Locking your pets out of your room almost gaurantees a decent 3 hours of sleep.  At which time they will decide they miss you and start fighting like children.  I’m not sure why one of them isn’t already dead.  Dog? Rabbit?  I want some gotdam blood.

14.  Dale Jr. won the pole at pocono, Wisconsin is ranked 7th in the preseason poll, some steroid infused monstrosity hit his 755th home ron, and A-rod got to 500 faster than anyone ever has.  Oh, yeah, some hockey for Janie. Edmonton is going to pay Dustin Penner 21.25 million over 5 years.  Dustin is a 29 goal scorer.  call it 30 and 21 million for argument.  Thats $140,000 per goal.  10 dollar hookers definitely got into the wrong line of work.   

15.  Blogs I read everyday at least once are listed in the blogroll.  The one blog I refuse to miss on sunday, is Anita’s.  She prays.

16.  I’d send y’all over to Ration Reality, but on sunday mornings they read chicken bones, beat up small fur bearing creatures with tire irons, and sacrifice virgins to Loki.

ok, thats enough of this.  Hope your weeks went well, and if they didn’t their will be better times than these.

  

let’s schmooze the news

Haven’t done this in a week or so.  I’ve been to busy writing about inane crap to contemplate writing about the truly banal baloney…

well the iraqi parliament is leaving on their August hiatus.   Like our congress, their vacation is far more important to them than their people are.  What I really like is the almost afterthought at the bottom.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070730/ap_on_re_mi_ea/iraq_070717170945;_ylt=As1_FH88czmBIiJTb0db0qEL1vAI

So much for honor amongst thieves.  Michael Vicks co-conspirator is singing like a canary.  It looks bad for Michael, but we shouldn’t rush to judgement.  We should casually walk to it, as casually as he abused these dogs.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070730/ap_on_sp_fo_ne/fbn_vick_co_defendant_13;_ylt=AlEhndC_3dAjmmzF21oPQmsL1vAI

The Elect Billary campaign is insulted by the fashion article about ms. hillary’s cleavage.  Like its a bad thing.  Trust me hillary, you want me looking at your breasts and not listening to your words. Oh who am i kidding…I’m a nancy’s jugs guy anyway.  Hillary couldn’t get my vote if she did a cirque du soleil act naked with the swedish bikini team.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070730/od_nm/usa_politics_clinton1_dc_1;_ylt=AmXrK7.vCfiU5OVwy8saCTcL1vAI

There is a wind blowing in from Iowa, and it’s going to save us all.  Smells like asswind to me, but if the DOW hits 17,000 like they suggest they need to turn their attention to a problem with global ramifications…roscoe’s attitude.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070730/od_nm/stocks1_dc_1;_ylt=AjmBUZPXC5AmeeLzH.QwWKYL1vAI

your asshole is on my facebook.  Just go read it.  sexual predators are to easy a target, and I’m not in the mood for ez.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20041040/

Well grease me up with butter and beat me with a horsewhip…a feel good news story on criminyjickets.  This one just made me smile.  No clues for you.  duh, look at the link before you go if you’re that curious.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/07/30/lawmaker.raid.ap/index.html

I bet it doesn’t pass, but here’s another honest government bill.  The only thing I don’t like is it doesn’t say the lawmakers name will be publicized with his earmark, and I think that would be a deterrant.  It does make it tougher to keep an unrelated earmark in a bill though.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,291429,00.html

You go Rosie.  I still think you’re a pig, but this was class all the way.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,291363,00.html

HoBama?  I like it.  Their little fued is going to distance them from the rest of the candidates, and just a coupleweeks after I said they would be the ticket for the dems, Newt Gingrich agreed.  We should maybe do the butter/horsewhip thing again here.

http://www.update08.foxnews.com/

ok, that doesn’t even scratch the surface, but I’m hiking slagcaster moulds up steps tomorrow, and I wish to go lie down and hate the idea of that for awhile.  I didn’t mention the depths of human depravity stories I found.  Lots of murder and death today.   lot of  dead children.  Sorta ruins the mood.

the week sans pictures

   Well, my daughter came home from Brown county.  They went horseback riding, and she greeted me with “dad you just have to get me that horse.”  When I responded that their was no way in hell I was getting a horse she said “well Kelsey’s cat had kittens….can I have one of those?”  Girls think they are so smart, but following on the heels of the $100 gorilla trick I wasn’t falling for it.  NO CATS.  Unless they are on a plate smothered in hollandaise sauce is a hard and fast rule in my house.

   I have decided on a Toyota Carolla as my car of the future, and the future is now.  My reasoning is its relatively inexpensive, has four doors, and  should last at least twenty years. By which time I have every intention of being part of the bar at O’malleys.

   Mollie and I dined on tostitos and cheese sauce with jalapenos and Rotel.  In a few short hours we should be lying in virtual agony staring miserably at each other.  I will teach her to quit eating my food even if it kills me.  What kind of friggin dog eats dried, rolled, pressed, salted corn for christsake?

i found some funny stuff.  In fact this one had me rollin.  I’ve been to the blog before, and it tends to be quite amusing.  This one was absolutely delightful though.

and then there is this one.  I like her wit, sarcasm, and wry biting editorializing on all things human.  Some very funny real life kinda stuff here.

   I see pakistan is making the news regularly now.  Wolf “asswind” Blitzer was trying to goad their foreign minister into saying something bad about the relationship with the U.S. Government.  He failed, mainly because the foreign minister blamed our media for the relationship problem.  It was pretty funny.  Wolf Blitzer couldn’t get a 6 year old to say “I want ice cream.”  He then tried to hammer on the Iraqi Deputy prime minister about their parliament going on break.  The DPM patiently explained to the nimrod that their parliament is kind of like our congress and does whatever idiotic thing pops into their collective ADD hampered brains.  I saw it live, but you can probably find the clips by typing “Hippo assfeathers and other idiotic things” into your browser window.  If that doesn’t work try “shitferbrains” or “CNN’s talking sphincter muscle.” 

I’m sure these will work because someone got to Criminy’s house of inanity by typing in “the journey of a tampon.”  Other great or near great search engine hits this week are “penguin javelin” (i think they were looking for D. Peace), gump &co khomeini (no idea), i have to pee so so badly ( i know why, i just don’t understand WHY?), and this just in “diet tampons.” Try one…wash it down with a diet soda for the apex in culinary disgust.

  I wrote a post on how Ron Paul could become President.  It included likely things like him taking barack Obama as a running mate.  The pauliacs seemed to think it all made sense, which pleased me because I thought I had at least two bats loose from the belfry whilst I wrote it.  To prove my theory was utterly preposterous, Ron came in with another rousing 2% poll number today.  I swear, that campaign is on fire.  He’s no John McCain, but maybe if they toss some petrochemicals on it they can be.  BTW, they crowed about how much better than McCain (who IS virtually dead) Dr. Paul was doing….McCain got 20 %.  Which means you won’t hear about this poll anywhere but here, because they only report well fabricated good news.

   I wonder if i can get the Toyota in a nice periwinkle?  Laugh trogs, I have a purple beretta.  Anything is possible if you set your mind to it.

Contrary to what you are reading all over the blog, President dipshits latest executive orders don’t mean any more than the others.  You can protest the war, they’ll torture whoever they damn well feel like, and people in topeka will continue to dream about living someplace nice like Guam.  These were not earth shattering changes in policy.  They were legalistic manifesto’s with maybe some historical significance.  Hard to blame him.  How would you like to be him in a history book 20 years from now.

In sports the National Felony League continues its meteoric rise to the top of the sports infamy list with that humane society poster child Mikey Vick.  He’s like the 40th football player arrested this year.  My only problem with the hue and cry on this is that people seem surprised.  People are being payed millions to play a game, are spoiled rotten, worshipped by agents, fans, and sport monkeys on ESPN, and then we wonder why they act like a bunch of rotten kids.

  In the NBA, an official has been caught betting on games he refereed.  Like a true American instead of taking his lumps he is talking about naming names.  Like the whole world doesn’t know organized professional athletics aren’t crooked as hell?  This doesn’t even belong on the news.  I want the names from the hooker book…Larry Flynt says he may release all 30 at once, and we’ll be stunned.  Yeah, I’m gonna be stunned because some pathetically disgusting politician is getting his crotch rocket juiced by a hooker.  That’ll happen. 

   Last but not least, for the last time Dick Cheney is not satan.  Satan is a girl scout compared to this guy.  I kind of like   him.  He’s like the chancre sore you appreciate when your great aunt edna the mouth kisser visits.

sunday is for random thoughts #7

1.  how can our congress hold the Iraqi government accountable for reaching benchmarks?  What exactly have they accomplished this year?

2.  The Beckhams are here.  Soccer still sucks, and we already had enough inane women in Hollywood.  I wouldn’t call it a lose/lose, but it certainly doesn’t change the status quo.

3.  over 11,000 citations have been written in Seattle using “red light cams.”  Big brother may not be watching you, but big traffic cop is.  Can we say “cash cow” boys and girls.  BTW, these are advocated by the insurance industry.  Accidents go down, your rates keep going up.  That is some cool business they have.  The city pays for the cameras, your tickets buy all kinds of new things that the police can violate your rights with, and auto insurance companies have to pay out less claims.

4.    Religion does not grant morality.  If you don’t believe me ask your priest to get off the altar boy so you can talk to him about it.

5.   Morality is not as fun as immorality, but you get to go to a mythical place when you die.  I’m going to o’malleys.  They are going to cremate me and lacquer my ashes into the bar.

6.  pomegrante Smirnoffs are quite the tasty libation.  If you feel a little gay drinking them,  throw the empties away in the neighbors trash, and not even your garbage man will know.

7.  I have lost 14 pounds since may with my new weight loss regimen.  It’s called “work.”  Pretty catchy, hunh?  It works as well as Alli and no pants crapping.

8.    I bought the new Harry Potter book yesterday.  It’s very disappointing.  I don’t like the cover art, and it weighs less than 5 pounds.  No, I haven’t started reading it yet.

9.   I woke up to the sound of roscoe banging his head against his water bottle.  Sooner or later I can drive anything crazy.

10.  Senator Feingold has proposed censuring Bush.  Only because proposing to beat him with a bat would’ve got him arrested.

11. I think Michael Vick is a real shithead, but I don’t think that a federal government that uses dogs to sniff out landmines has a lot of room to talk.

12.  You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead.  It’s just not proper, and they can’t hear you so you don’t get the joy of pissing them off. 

13.  Introspection is the root of all evil.  I’m going to contemplate that in terms of my own life for awhile, and then i’ll tell you why.

14.  Flooding in japan, texas, great britain, kansas, and all over south east asia in just the last month.  If I turn on the news I’ll bet I see Al Gore whining about the problem of Global Wetting.

15.   Ron Paul is now at 2% in the polls.  Throw in the margin of error and he is exactly where he was when his campaign started.  I’m betting his followers have a different take on this, but they have a different take on spaghettios, as well.

16.  I am pro spaghettio’s…in case you were wondering.

17.  If elections were held today it would be Hillary Vs. Rudy.  Why do I feel underwhelmed about the future?

18.  Don’t look now, but nothing has changed since last week, all the good intentions, bad events, and political posturing haven’t changed anything.  oh wait, I’m one book that I haven’t read richer.  Enjoy your week.