we hold these truths to be self evident

   I’ve been wandering into Ration Reality  playing pissoff the assclown for the last couple of days.  For those of you who have never been, ‘they’re an eclectic bunch of turtle herders that aren’t real gentle on sacred cows.  When they’re done picking on fat people they start in on whatever else is within striking distance.  If it is likely to offend it is probably there, but the site is more than that.  It’s also gauranteed to make you laugh, cringe, or lose IQ points.  I personally enjoy the hell out of it.

     Pissing off the ass clown was really quite simple on this occassion.   Basically I started with a comment about bitchslapping that garrulous old fuck McCain, and moved on to a quite simple claim that we are making a mistake in the middle east, and a short, basic explanation as to why.  My mirth knew no bounds as this troglodytic miscreant started spewing the bush party line.

   Are there really people left out there that think the war in Iraq serves a valid purpose?  That it makes us stronger freer or safer?  Apparently one, but if there are more of you I’d like to hear what you have to say.  I think you’re a fucking idiot, but I love hearing what people opposed to my opinion are thinking.

while you’re at it, I mentioned about 8 months ago that inflation waso ut of control, recession was just around the bend, and Pakistan was the most important powder keg on the planet when it comes to our security.  Your opposing viewpoint on these issues is also welcome.

  

Ron Paul Rising and other news

  I’ve been wondering around checking out The Ron Paul reaction.  What I’m not seeing is anyone saying he has no hope anymore.  The word longshot comes up a lot, but in the National journals poll he has risen to 6th, and if anyone really believes that Sam Brownback has a better shot of winning this thing than Ron Paul, they must have strong Christian Coalition connections.  He still has that 2% albatross around his neck, and he doesn’t get considered in any of the big polls.

woohoo…the Oprah marriage questionnaire….you can tell around 12 or so they said, hey this is all about money…lets add something about kids and friends so they don’t think we’re republicans.

Diet foods are making our kids fat says this study.  I say bo-lo-nee.  X-Box, nintendo, television, and laziness is what makes kids fat.  Don’t believe me? hoist that behemoth off the couch and pry the joystick from his hand.  Put him to work and see if he don’t shape up.

Well, this makes sense.  The only thing better than 12 million illegal immigrants, is 12 million unemployed illegal immigrants

The nice thing about politicians being honest, is it shows us how stupid they are.  While I agree with the theory that no one should join the military if they don’t wish, saying that his children are helping America by trying to get him elected might well be the dumbest thing Mitt has said all week.  This of course leaves him far behind Barack “dubya” Obama.

This is a great article.  60 years since Great Britain unceremoniously succumbed to the demands of Mahatma Gandhi and left India, the strife continues.  Pakistan and India…kind of a larger israel/palestinian thing.  Weren’t the Brits involved there as well.  We talk partitioning in Iraq.  Read this if you think its a good idea.

evolution has changed its story again.  Thats the beauty of science.  It just changes things as it goes along.  More skuls, more indecision.  Evolution is correct, the tree just has more branches than we thought.  Not in kentucky it doesn’t

Ron Paul should switch parties, and other schmoozed news

it was a long day.  It was a brutal day.  It had a lot of downs, and only one up.  I was not here when this happened.  I have however crossed that bridge hundreds of times, and it kind of bothers me that the end of this article is all about how there is no known link to terrorism.  Is that really where we are?  Any catastrophic incident has to be looked at in light of a possible terrorist connection?  They are now saying up to 50 cars in the river.

   Some new exercise guidlelines are out.  Basically it says if you have sex five days a week for a half hour, and sprinkle in a little weight lifting you’re good to go.  It also says physical activity is about as bad as smoking in regards to morbidity and mortality, so get your lazy asses up and go do some boinking.

   In the 70’s I remember this big deal being made about glasses from McDonalds that were made in China had to be thrown away because the paint had to much lead in it.  Well, it’s 2007, and  American companies are still putting you at risk by merchandising dangerous products bought from Chinese Vendors,  Almost a million fisher price toys.  Have your kids been putting any of them in their mouths?  Isn’t it time free trade with this country be reexamined based on risk to our population. 

here’s a good one on health insurance.  Did you know that in many states  you can make as much as 82K plus a year, and still receive federally funded health insurance?  Bet that pisses off those of you making 50K a year and paying for your own.  This includes adults with no children, but the program is called SCHIP and is intended for children.  I pay for my won and my kids, but I think I’ll go get me some poor people money from the government.  what the hell.

Britney Spears is now making death threats.  She threatened to kill two photographers.  That she intended to do it by making them smell her thong is only a rumor, but I’m pretty sure that would work.  Dumb young women are becoming an infestation in the entertainment world.  Isn’t there some way we can keep them from procreating?

so now we need more secret wiretapping?  The democrats are balking, but how much you bet it goes through, even though their base is dead set against it.  Get a clue on the left, you are as marginalized by the people you elected as are the people on the right.

Either Obama has caught a serious case of dumbass disease, or he has decided to move way the hell to the right.  Somewhere right of Dick Cheney, actually.  He is now threatening to invade Pakistan.  Someone needs to tell him to shutup and fast.

Less people get their political news from you tube, myspace, AND blogs than from any other source.  Over 60% of Republicans and Democrats say they would consider voting for an Independent candidate, and over 50% of each think an independent would be good for the country.  Are you listening Ron Paul?  Maybe its time to take down those faded and fake republican colors and run as a libertarian?  You say you are one, and the country seems to be ready.  Yeah right.

and thats it… i lugged 458 X 80 = 36,640 lbs during todays little 12 hour stint of hell, and my shoulders just now cried nuff.

the week sans pictures

   Well, my daughter came home from Brown county.  They went horseback riding, and she greeted me with “dad you just have to get me that horse.”  When I responded that their was no way in hell I was getting a horse she said “well Kelsey’s cat had kittens….can I have one of those?”  Girls think they are so smart, but following on the heels of the $100 gorilla trick I wasn’t falling for it.  NO CATS.  Unless they are on a plate smothered in hollandaise sauce is a hard and fast rule in my house.

   I have decided on a Toyota Carolla as my car of the future, and the future is now.  My reasoning is its relatively inexpensive, has four doors, and  should last at least twenty years. By which time I have every intention of being part of the bar at O’malleys.

   Mollie and I dined on tostitos and cheese sauce with jalapenos and Rotel.  In a few short hours we should be lying in virtual agony staring miserably at each other.  I will teach her to quit eating my food even if it kills me.  What kind of friggin dog eats dried, rolled, pressed, salted corn for christsake?

i found some funny stuff.  In fact this one had me rollin.  I’ve been to the blog before, and it tends to be quite amusing.  This one was absolutely delightful though.

and then there is this one.  I like her wit, sarcasm, and wry biting editorializing on all things human.  Some very funny real life kinda stuff here.

   I see pakistan is making the news regularly now.  Wolf “asswind” Blitzer was trying to goad their foreign minister into saying something bad about the relationship with the U.S. Government.  He failed, mainly because the foreign minister blamed our media for the relationship problem.  It was pretty funny.  Wolf Blitzer couldn’t get a 6 year old to say “I want ice cream.”  He then tried to hammer on the Iraqi Deputy prime minister about their parliament going on break.  The DPM patiently explained to the nimrod that their parliament is kind of like our congress and does whatever idiotic thing pops into their collective ADD hampered brains.  I saw it live, but you can probably find the clips by typing “Hippo assfeathers and other idiotic things” into your browser window.  If that doesn’t work try “shitferbrains” or “CNN’s talking sphincter muscle.” 

I’m sure these will work because someone got to Criminy’s house of inanity by typing in “the journey of a tampon.”  Other great or near great search engine hits this week are “penguin javelin” (i think they were looking for D. Peace), gump &co khomeini (no idea), i have to pee so so badly ( i know why, i just don’t understand WHY?), and this just in “diet tampons.” Try one…wash it down with a diet soda for the apex in culinary disgust.

  I wrote a post on how Ron Paul could become President.  It included likely things like him taking barack Obama as a running mate.  The pauliacs seemed to think it all made sense, which pleased me because I thought I had at least two bats loose from the belfry whilst I wrote it.  To prove my theory was utterly preposterous, Ron came in with another rousing 2% poll number today.  I swear, that campaign is on fire.  He’s no John McCain, but maybe if they toss some petrochemicals on it they can be.  BTW, they crowed about how much better than McCain (who IS virtually dead) Dr. Paul was doing….McCain got 20 %.  Which means you won’t hear about this poll anywhere but here, because they only report well fabricated good news.

   I wonder if i can get the Toyota in a nice periwinkle?  Laugh trogs, I have a purple beretta.  Anything is possible if you set your mind to it.

Contrary to what you are reading all over the blog, President dipshits latest executive orders don’t mean any more than the others.  You can protest the war, they’ll torture whoever they damn well feel like, and people in topeka will continue to dream about living someplace nice like Guam.  These were not earth shattering changes in policy.  They were legalistic manifesto’s with maybe some historical significance.  Hard to blame him.  How would you like to be him in a history book 20 years from now.

In sports the National Felony League continues its meteoric rise to the top of the sports infamy list with that humane society poster child Mikey Vick.  He’s like the 40th football player arrested this year.  My only problem with the hue and cry on this is that people seem surprised.  People are being payed millions to play a game, are spoiled rotten, worshipped by agents, fans, and sport monkeys on ESPN, and then we wonder why they act like a bunch of rotten kids.

  In the NBA, an official has been caught betting on games he refereed.  Like a true American instead of taking his lumps he is talking about naming names.  Like the whole world doesn’t know organized professional athletics aren’t crooked as hell?  This doesn’t even belong on the news.  I want the names from the hooker book…Larry Flynt says he may release all 30 at once, and we’ll be stunned.  Yeah, I’m gonna be stunned because some pathetically disgusting politician is getting his crotch rocket juiced by a hooker.  That’ll happen. 

   Last but not least, for the last time Dick Cheney is not satan.  Satan is a girl scout compared to this guy.  I kind of like   him.  He’s like the chancre sore you appreciate when your great aunt edna the mouth kisser visits.

lets do the news

  first the really important story…It’s a human interest story from the Grape Gazette.

Roscoe, fluffy and mollie seem to be hitting it off.  In fact I’m almost certain there may be a little inter-species lesbian thing going on if you know what I mean.  Roscoe is happy because someone speaks his language, mollie is happy because she has someone to snuggle with, and If I’m not mistaken the two of them being happy means FLUFFY IS A FREAK.

Maybe the rat bastards won’t kill me and grill me after all.

   the new intelligence estimate is out.  I’m willing to bet half of the readers here could’ve done as well.  Why do they always play politics with our security?  you would think on this at least they would all speak with one voice.  they can’t though.  You can’t be the most important if you agree with someone else.   Here’s the link…you shouldn’t bother…nothing new here

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070717/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/us_terror_threat_39;_ylt=AjjTS5Ima.DS.aCafPZKAGsL1vAI

  Pakistan is trying to take the lead in the death by suicide bombing category from Iraq.  Man what a mess they are, and our assistant secretary of state is calling for more military action from Pervez .  Man, we do have some seriously militaristic type s running our country.  Unfortunately, the ruling party in the congress (the democrats) have no balls, so it will continue.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070717/ap_on_re_as/pakistan_74;_ylt=AjbIywqw550DxJcms7ct2jyWwvIE

I don’t know about you, but I love poker.  I’m a huge 7 card stud fan, but the game of choice has become texas hold ’em.  Probably because any idiot can figure it out.  It’s preschool poker, but its big time money.  The world series of poker main event final table is playing, and the winner is going home over $8M richer.  Only Lee Watkinsoon is recognizeable, and the players come from all over the globe.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19777938/

Harry Potter book available in its entirity online.  ok, this is really cool.   First….read the blue box on the left with the guys picture on it.  Then read the story.  Then go, well what the hell does that ….

http://redtape.msnbc.com/2007/07/pirates-say-the.html

In keeping with the Bush Administrations policy of attacking anyone anytime, parachutists jumped on the fremont prison in colorado.  I think its about time we attacked colorado.  whats interesting is these guys, when asked for identification gave the guards a paper that said they were defense department employees…that may not seem like much to you civilians, buut any former military man or woman reading this is going HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,289551,00.html

A pro wrestling story just for MDVP..its the chris benoit thing, and it lays out a pretty good run on how it all went down…Yes, he had steroids in his system

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/07/17/wrestler.murder/index.html

  I told you text messaging was from hell.  This story is one you gotta see…then tell your kids to watch it.

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2007/07/17/snow.texting.and.driving.cnn

Obama girl vs. giuliani girl…this is pretty dumb, but I’ve never linked to booty on my blog so here yuh go

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/offbeat/2007/07/16/moos.obama.rudy.affl

maybe the first step toward proving me right, Iran and the U.s will hold direct talks about Iraq in Baghdad.  The pauliacs will hate this, and Ron Paul must be shuffking his scare mongering feet a little too.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/07/17/us.iran.iraq.ap/index.html

ok, that does it for the news…lots of murders, a dude burned his wife to death, Michael Vick indicted for dog fighting (what an asswit he is), those nurses accused of spreading HIV in children in libya are getting their death sentences commuted to life in prison, etc. etc.  It just oges on.  I think next time I do the news I’ll only do the good stuff.  Which means this post would’ve been one paragraph long

the hue and cry

   Well the sunday of work more or less killed my random thoughts mood so I’ll try to whip that out later.  Right now I’m more thinking about the insanity I keep hearing on the news.  Shall we?

   Ok, Pauliacs, enough is probably enough, and you guys have really blown this one out of proportion.  I agree that he did not say that the government was planning bogus terrorist attacks.  It seems maybe I’m the only non-pauliac saying it, but thats no reason for you folks to blow a valve or something.  Cardiac care is important, and the old blood pressure is going through the moon on you guys .   Why don’t you discuss the rest of that insipidly stupid interview?  Or was that not your take on it?  I am up to my ears with the whole Ron Paul is the only candidate interested in liberty.  Lets look at his record.  He is interested in doing nothing.  Ever.  That’s what his interest is.  His voting record smacks of abject cowardice, and his hiding behind the constitution, a document that is to hard to change to gaurantee liberty for anyone let alone everyone, continues to wither with the populace.  Quit whining because he got misquoted.  Libertarians are notorious for misquoting anyone that doesn’t agree with them, and this year is no exception.

   Maliki said we could leave anytime we wanted, but today one of his aids translated that to “we want you to stay as long as you want and train our troops.”  Nice.  Wonder which cloak and dagger clown the white house sent to Put Maliki in his place?  If anyone thought he wasn’t our trained lap dog, this should change your mind on that.  Our seating an “elected” government in Iraq is maybe the dirtiest thing we have done over there.  They are making no headway, or effort, to reach the benchmarks established by “us” again.  Is Iraq now the 51st state or something?    Bring home the troops…let the humanitarian disaster begin.

   It’s not Iran, it’s Pakistan dummies.  While its possible the pauliacs are right, and George Bush really is dumb enough to enter open conflict with Iran, the good bet from a security stand point is Pakistan…here’s why.

Israel showed at Osirak that they are not going to let a muslim country have nukes.  They won’t let Iran either if it comes down to it.  They only listen to us if their security is not directly threatened, and Israel has always felt that a middle east nation with the bomb is a direct threat to their existence…which it is.  They have the bomb, so it’s a little hypocritical to say others shouldn’t, but I’m kind of an Israel fan so I don’t mind a little hypocrisy.

Pakistan has the bomb.  Several attempts have been made on Musharrafs life.  The al qaeda #2 has given us the three warnings notification required by the Quran.  Osama showed up on a video tape.  Whether he is alive or dead is an academic question. All the portents are there, and al qaeda has called for holy war against the pakistani government.

If we are going to invest ourselves in open conflict anywhere it really needs to be there.  Thats the threat.  We can defuse the Iranian issue with diplomacy, and a slow but coming withdrawal from Iraq.  Al Qaeda and the Taliban have proven they can’t be talked to, and its time to finish the little mess we made there.  Sorry pauliacs and messiah…you’re gnashing of teeth and rending of flesh over your projected Gulf of Tonkin incident makes no sense in the big picture.  Of course, Bush has proven he isn’t a big picture guy.

   These pesky muslims really have us chasing our tail don’t they?  We never learn from our mistakes, and this is proof of it.  When you get a snake by the neck you choke it until it is dead, dead, dead, you don’t let it go to see if it will bite you again.

Things of interest

  The whole Pakistan thing just gets worse.  Al Queda’s number 2 called for a holy war against the Musharraf regime.

We really need to pay more attention to this.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070711/ap_on_re_as/pakistan_radical_mosque_190;_ylt=As6fUpke5gO3.QoPFX3LF.8L1vAI

this one really bothers me.  Elephants have enough issues (they’re large, its hard to find nice shoes, mice freak them out) without humans killing them for the hell of it and a little bit of ivory.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070710/sc_afp/kenyatanzaniawildlife_070710162807

  Dear george bush, you frigging maniac.  The Iraqi government has given you a way out, and you appear to dumb to take it.  Take a read of this, and try to get your priorities straight.  Oh wait, you know this.  So if Al Qaeda was the original enemy, and they are as  strong as they were, and are raising hell in afghanistan and pakistan….uhhhh….why not let the Iraqi’s deal with their own political crapfest, and get back on point.  You really look dumb here, bud.

http://www.mail.com/newsarticle.aspx?catId=&articleId=1133989

I only do this one because my readers are mostly to young to remember Jim Morrison.  He was the incredibly talentless, drug addicted leader of The Doors, who chicks thought was hot so they made millions which they then spent on drugs until dipstick here died of an OD.   (MSNBC and I…wasting your time)

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19714635/

These stories show up more and more often.  I’m not sure if it’s acase of me paying more attention, man is somehow affecting their habitat, or if McDonalds is about to launch a new weight watchers Calamari sandwich.  (CNN, keeping up with the koneses…and the yahoo’s…and the googles)

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/07/11/big.squid.ap/index.html

  So the John Conyers led fiasco is begun.  Lets pick on the women first.  Women who set no policy, but since we can’t get the fish we want, lets threaten these former employees with contempt of congress.  Which is funny, because if theire is any group of people in America thats worth being contemptuous toward, it’s these analbrains.  It is just more you did it so we’re going to do it.  Every time there is a power shift we do this instead of moving forward. (Fox wasting your time, congress wasting your money, and me wasting my breath)

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,289003,00.html

the “Well That Was Dumb, but it’s Still Trivial” award goes here.  I don’t want to laugh, but holy jumpin jesus gonzales perez christo this was dumb

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,288918,00.html

this bugs me

A lot of things do.  Mostly I ignore them, but every now and again I like to take the time to express it to you, my loyal readers…yeah, yeah, both of you…I’ve heard that one before.

Pakistan-  Maybe I just haven’t noticed, but it seems to me the worst part of our little war on terror is the destabilization of Pakistan.  It’s not a great leap for me to imagine the place in Muslim control.  no big deal, but they do have nukes.

New words-  I don’t mind them so much as it all seems to be a popularity contest.  Some person will say something like ginormous, and everyone will say “oh wow, they said ginormous.  Lets put it in the dictionary.”  You know who I’m talking about.  Red Hot something something.  I forget the name.  In case you’re curious, merriam webster released its new words…i’m sure you can find it.

 If stanley and livingston had been bloggers.  “Dr. Livingston…I have pinged you.”  we’ll never know that sort of intrepid fellow again.  Unless the whoremongers of Vitalicus send a spaceship.

okay, i just have to…it’s eating its way through my frontal lobe, and is headed toward the medulla oblongata.  If I don’t get rid of it now, it’s bound to leave me at best dull normal, at worst, vegetative.  Ron Paul is a quasi-libertarian, right?  Ok, I know he isn’t, and my readers generally seem to know he isn’t, but for the sake of this blurb we’re just going to go along with the program.  So, that being true it makes sense that his followers are likewise libertarians?  I think.  Anyway.  That generally means they are constitutionalists, right?  Meaning they support a government run according to the constitution.  I’m getting there, christ you are so impatient.  This means freedom of speech is a big thing to them.  Except, it would appear if you speak against Ron Paul.  Let me change that.  If you point out the real Ron Paul’s flaws.  It seems if you do that you are to be breaded, dipped in boiling animal fat,  and fed to the faithful. 

Semi-literate athletes that speak in the third person.  I should probably give them credit for knowing what that is, but I’m sort of inclined to think they don’t.  Call me cynical.

Irascible men.  I hate them.  i think they should be deported to someplace warm like Jamaica and be forced to imbibe in the flowering and seeding plants of that island with nubile young Jamaican harlots.

Political bumper stickers.  I don’t know why, but it seems every time I get some asswit doing 40 on the freeway in front of me he has an Elect Hillary sticker or some such.  Tell you what, turdburglar, you get that damn yugo up to 90 like your supposed to and I’ll consider it. 

Hyper- sexual rabbit day –  it seems to occur every couple of weeks.  I have finally figured out a way to fix mr. roscoe the wonder bunnies wagon.  I’ve purchased shin guards.  You know, like the field hockey (chick sport plug) ones.  He is going to bruise his tumescent ankle banger next time it happens

ok, I’m not particularly bugged by much of this, but I had a theme going.  I’m going to keep writing bug posts till the swelling disappears.  No, not roscoe’s swelling.

rethefted

yuck.  I apologize to those of you she named.  I can do no more than that.  I’ll not honor the rest of it with any comment, but i did steal my stuff back

what these people aren’t.

Ron Paul…he isn’t a libertarian.  i could go into all the reasons why, but then you wouldn’t go to http://vote-smart.org and make up your own mind.

Ann Coulter…stupid.  She has found a niche that made her rich, and all she had to do was be nasty.  I can be nasty.  Of course I don’t have that horse-faced inbred look.

Mike Moore…a journalist.  but his new documentary sicko has enough truth in it to make it worth the view, just like all his documentaries.  Now its true I wouldn’t put him out if he was burning, but he still manages to catch my attention.

Sean Hannity…a pragmatist.  Given a chance to appeal to the decent sensibilities of intelligent people, Sean would pass and continue to preach to the choir with his nitwit vitriolic warmongering.  Face it Sean, if it wasn’t for my boy Alan (god what a geek) Colmes you’d be just another pasty faced Irish conservative talking on the radio.

George Bush…a bad guy.  You can hate him all you want.  You can think he’s stupid.  But do you really down in your heart after watching the guy think that he has ill intent?  I can see where he might be a little to easily led by the people he trusts, but I think ol George is as decent a man as has ever been president.  Remember Jimmy Carter? he was a decent guy.  shitty president.  Just like George.

Paris Hilton…she just isn’t.  Her 30 to 50 million future inheritance is real.  The cameras that chase her around are real.  The idiots that make her the star of their daily quest for titillation are real.  Turn off the camera’s though and Paris disappears…completely.

Hillary Clinton…a liberal.  Hillary Clinton is a politician par excellance.  She would bang every ungulate from here to poughkeepsie if the bestiality vote would get her made president.  Remember Bill? Stone cold liberal till he got elected.  Then he became moderate Bill pushing through the Republican agenda like no conservative president ever has.  Hillary is cut from the same cloth.  Its why they hate each other.

Al Sharpton…a man of god.   A man of god would work to bring people together under the lord.  Al Sharpton is s your typical for us by us black preacher.  Tawanda Brawley leaps to mind.  For those of you to young to remember her, she is why Al Sharpton stayed out of the Duke lacrosse team rape case.

Martha Stewart: dumb or weak.  This woman is as popular as she ever was with the middle class.  This after an insider trading scandal that made her look like a have greedily succumbing to the temptation to take advantage of her position in life.  Normally this would have her burned in effigy, instead, she’s who all the little Rachel Ray’s wanna be when they grow up.

Wolf Blitzer….a Wolf.  This boy is as sheep as it gets…. CNN has a ring in his nose and a finger up his a..   you know what I’m talking about.  This guy couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the “c” and the “t” without some exec at CNN coaching him first

that’s what they aren’t… I couldn’t begin to guess what they are.

 

Talents

    About the only difference between today and every other weekday is that for some unknown reason I did a 180 on the way to the bathroom upon rising.  This confused the hell out of mollie the mooch.  Not really knowing what to do the poor pooch did what she does when she’s confused and sat down.  Roscoe, perpetually bringing up the rear in our little love caravan failed to notice my abrupt change of direction, and failed to yield.  This created the hilarious for me, disconcerting for mollie, and intolerable for roscoe result of Mollie sitting on Roscoe’s head.  I can’t really tell you in words, but seeing a cockerpoodle with a rabbit thrashing around in its butt is a vision that every day should start with.

    On to talents.  Do you have one? Wanna share?  I do.  Have one.  I’m sharing because I didn’t feel like playing poker, and its to hot to do anything that is not incredibly sedentary.   My talent is I’m a prick.  I can annoy a person in 15 seconds or less, piss em off in under a minute, and have them in a spittle flying apopleptic rage in well under 10.

     This doesn’t pay well as talents go.  I mean, its not getting loot like a Vincent Van Gogh original, but he was dead before the cashola started to flow.  Its not drawing pay like a fortune 500 executive either, but it has good bennies.   People are always incredibly fun to watch.  They will do the damnedest things if they think no one is looking.    Mad though, upset, annoyed; then they are at their finest.

    There is really no joy in life like watching a normally calm, sane human being completely losing their cool over a few words.  I don’t do anything else.  It’s not really all that iunteractive a sport.  Just speak and watch the games begin.  The reason I’m good at it is really quite simple.  It’s easy. 

   People lack self control.  They are so used to having things go the way that they want; when faced with anything out of the ordinary they become first defensive, then offensive, and then downright assinine.  i love it.  Its better than sex with a monkey.

    There are several gambits to the game.  Its not chess mind you, but maybe conversationally instigative checkers.  My favorite is to be over nice.  I’m not sure why this one works so well, but if their is one thing folks can’t stand its someone being nice to them.  I mean real nice.  I mean ass kissing, brown nosing, sycophantically nice.  This probably only works for me because it makes people wonder whats coming.  I’m so rarely nice to anyone outside of my household that it gives people the creeps when I am.

    Another one is to agree with everything someone says, and repeat it like its wisdom from the almighty.  This one performs well at work.  Unless you work with a closet insecurity freak that acts like an egomaniac.  They love this. 

    One I used just yesterday is maybe the easiest to get the opportunity to use.  Find some pompous windbag that’s obviously overly fond of him/herself, and just make observations about their character.  Nothing extreme mind.  Just point out how insecure they seem.  That sort of thing.  I had The vindictive bastard.wordpress.com so mad i know it took a bottle of windex to clean his screen.  Tormenting the obnoxious is fun.  Tormenting the semi-literate obnoxious is what makes life worth living.

   My book how to torment others is available for the low low price of $14.95 at all your better bookstores. 

Sunday is for random thoughts

1.  I’m pretty sure the reason alcoholism is a rampant sickness in our society is because it makes human interaction almost tolerable.

2.   Albania likes us.   That being the case it makes it real easy to wonder what the hell is wrong with the rest of Europe.  My vote is jealousy.  Na na na na boo boo.  You don’t like us because you want to be us.  You want to shower more than once a week.  You want to brush your teeth.   You want to have leaders that aren’t deviants, retards, and criminals.  Well, so do we on that last one.

3.  Congress has the effrontery to tell me that I need a 700 odd mile fence on my  over 1500 mile southern border.   Ok, so build a fence to keep your dog in.   Leave several gaps in it.  does it work?  How can you not chuckle?

4.  Gun control is the one issue I think I can have an impact on so pay attention.  Get a good sight picture.  Breathe in….release the breath and squeeze (don’t pull) the trigger.  I have now done my part on one of the great issues facing our society.  Use it in good health.

5.   My dog is fat, fluffy, and lazy.  She makes me get up at odd hours to take her out to relieve herself.  She barks incessantly when i’m not home which makes the neighbors complain.   She follows me literally everywhere.  you can’t divorce your dog, but I did get rid of a wife that behaved almost exactly the same way.

6.   To all you sullen Ron Paul fans that come, read, and leave pissed off because I think he looks like Henry Gibson, or has the people skills of Elmer Fudd.  Get over it.  I’m just being a jilted fan.  His stance on imperialism is right on, but he is not as so many of you like to say….a libertarian.  Go to vote-smart. org, and read up on your diminutive dynamo.  The man is at least 7 turnips shy of a truckload.

7.  Breakfast is by far the most important meal of the day.  Today I had a cuba libre’ and some cheese popcorn.  I feel like a million bucks.  Well, like 32 bucks and some change, but thats progress.

8.   Nascar has a rain delay for the second week in a row.  Ted does not like nascar.  Ted does not like anything.  Ted is a spoiled rotten omnipotent brat, and should be excoriated in all the newspapers of the land.  Its good to be irreverant on Sunday.  Its a day of rest, and their is nothing more restful than twisting the tail of the created by man creator.

9.  Love is a four letter word that is defined   “someone else doing things exactly the way you want them to.”

I can live without it.

10.    If the French have finally realized that socialism is an invalid theory, and they have judging by the conservative landslide in their parliamentary elections, does that mean we can now put that baby to bed in Europe?  Or is the dumbest, laziest, dirtiest nation in Europe just trying to keep up with the brits?  Hard to say.  If they all start riding around naked on their bicycles we’ll have our answer.

11.   Ferrets attack more people than grizzly bears.   I know this is true because I saw it on a mountain dew commercial.

12.  My dentist wants 4 digits to work on my teeth.  Thats not so bad.  I just won’t buy gas this week.

13.    Its over.  For the 39th time in 3 days its over.  I haven’t figured out what it is yet, but I’m not defecating what looks like thick lemonade anymore, so i think its a good thing.

14.  You have just wasted 10 minutes of your day if you read all of this.   Thats assuming that if you’re reading this you have to sound out the long words, and read while moving your lips.  You should maybe do something else now.

15.   Remember….you can’t change anything.  You have no power.  Control is only an illusion, and your life is slowly spiralling into the fiery pits of hell.  Chaos will rule supreme in your existence, and life will never be as good for you as it was yesterday.  That being said, you still as a species are amusing as hell.  Please continue.

according to spellcheck I didn’t mispell anything.  Find a deep hole and pray.  Armageddon is upon us.

suck your thumb

     I try to be moderate in my viewpoints.  I also try to curtail my opinion when I disagree with something someone else does or says.  I almost never comment on other writers, because….well….a lot of them are idiots, and you don’t make any friends calling people idiot.

     Michelle Malkin….you are an idiot.  You may be cute, but you’re still an idiot.   I read one of this wenches articles today, and I came away with this utterly amazed feeling.  Not at the depth of her persuasive ability.  Not at her obvious astuteness.  i was amazed that the Washington Times actually paid this overeducated elitist to write this swill.

     Seems Michelle is a little worried that all the allah lovers are teaching their kids to kill whitey, and were teaching ours to be wussies.  Its quite true.  Thats almost exactly whats happening.  In middle America.  In the public schools of our suburbs, maybe.  The muslims do teach their children about Jihad from the time they pull em off the camels teat.  They’ve been doing it for generations.  War in the middle east is like saturday cartoons here.  They keep getting worse, and they never end.

     I guess where my problem comes in is in wondering what we should do.  Help me out Michelle.  Shall we have M-16 training in kindergarten?  Should all our politicians rattle the sabre?  Can you see Ron Paul threatening anyone? “Be vewwwy vewwy quiet….wewe hunting muswims…..hehehehehehehehe.”  

      I don’t think I want my children trained to hate anyone.  I’ll grant our schools suck.  I’d go so far as to say the government wastes almost every tax dollar they sink into the public schools.  I live in the inner city though.  All I can say is I’d pit my streetwise scumbags against the ayatollahs assholes any old day.  The kids in my neighborhood don’t lack for balls, and the kids in Michelle’s neighborhood aren’t going to fight our wars anyway. 

    So do me a favor you wafer thin sorority sister nitwit.  Move your column to the society page, or talk some sense.  

http://washingtontimes.com/commentary/mmalkin.htm   michelle’s blithering idiocy in print.

 ok, I don’t try….so what.
 

Faith, Love, and the Art of Politics

    Like Baskin Robbins, politics has a flavor of the day.  In the republican party, or rather for a fringe element of them its Ron Paul.  For the Democrats, it changes like I change socks.    For all concerned, the flavor is faith, and how sweet it is to broadcast your beliefs on all the cable network news shows.  I was watching tonight; (and I confess to ignoring most of it), the three top candidates from the democrats discussing their faith on CNN’s faith forum.

    Here I should point out that I have a lackadaisical attitude toward faith.  I have faith, but I limit it to those things that are almost certain to happen whether I believe they will or not.  Like the sun coming up, my children asking for $150.00 shoes, or me hurling if I chase my tequila with a vicodin.   Its not a spiritual thing with me.  I do pray though.  I like to think of it as chatting with Ted.  It usually goes something like this.

Me: Uh, lord?

God:  I told you to call me Ted.

Me:  Yeah, but it feels a little wierd.

God:  I’m god, your wierdness isn’t my problem.

Me: true.

God: so what’s up?

Me: The usual.  I’m confused about you really.

God:  Do tell?

Me:   Well, what is it you do?

God:  I’m omnipotent.

Me:  Do tell?

God:  I can do anything.

Me:  Really?  Like cure aids?  end famine? stop wars?

God:  I could do all those on a slow Tuesday.

Me: really?!?!  Then why don’t you?

God:  I gave man free will.  If you folks want it fixed…. fix it.

Me:  (thinks)  ok, so what do you do?

God:  I’m omnipotent.

Me:  But what does that entail?

God:  I created the universe in 6 days.  Then took a day off.

Me: Then what?

God:  (thinks)  I had immaculate conception with Mary, then 33 years later I gave my only begotten son that man would be saved.

Me: from what?  Saved from what?

God:  Nobody ever asked that before…I’ll ruminate on it.

Me:  Then what?

God:  Then nothing.  I’m waiting.

Me:  For what?

God:  For man to love his fellow man, for the rich to care for the poor, for the church to care for the unsaved, for all mankind to love one another.

Me:   You got hopes.

God:  Nope.  I have a hammock, a never ending six pack, and you to pick on.

Me: sounds like a good gig.

God: Works for me.

Me: no kiddin.  So just one more question?

God: shoot?

Me:  What do you think of the candidates for the 2008 election?

God:  I think I need a beer.

Me: Oh, me too.  Thanks a bunch Ted.  Can you hold my coat?