random thoughts # I forget

August 20, 2007

1.  It is easier to make a case for post birth abortion.

2.  I knew a kid that had sex with a pony when I was growing up.  He wasn’t real popular, but I’m not sure how the horses felt about him.

3.    When football season starts this blogging on sunday shit is over.

4.   I like greg the robber better than jerry the killer, but haven’t spoken to either in years.

5.    It only seems like I don’t care about anything.  It’s just that I care about so many things I can only care about each a little.

6.  Yeah, i like that one.

7.  I went to the love tag again.  When I need amusement I always end up there.  I have a tip for them.  If you REALLY love someone, you don’t stop.  It sucks, but there it is. 

8.  If you filled Yankee stadium, and then took an ax, a bat, a gun, a knife, a plastic baggie or a stale cheeto to each and every one of them rendering them into nothing more than organic matter; it would be equivalent to the number of people that will be murdered in America this year. (approx.)

9.  ex’s are like this really bad dream with creepy music and dour looking spinsters wearing long  sleeved dresses with cameo clasps occassionally stopping as they wander the incredibly white halls of the sanitarium to scream filth laced obscenities at invisible demons.

10.  Well, mine are.  Kind of.  they never shutup and they won’t go completely away, and its just creepy.  Ok, I’m done with that, but my head won’t stop moving side to side with my lips etching an overdone grimace across my visage.

11.  If your children tell you they hate you they mean it.  This is good.  You are doing your job, and with any luck they will keep hating you, and move away so you can move somewhere fun like Maui.

12.  Civility is not dead.  It is however undergoing defibrillation and has been treated for shock.

13.  Ron Paul is the new Charlie Waddell who once explained libertarianism as  “people who want government to ruin your life, but not theirs.”  May he rest in pieces.  Charlie had an unfortunate accident while working on a saw mill in South Dakota.

14.  For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I’m glad I’m not in Jamaica.

15.  Artificial life is likely just over the horizon.  I think if they have intellect they will find a way to kill us all…and I can’t say as I blame them.

16.  The fed has sent relief to Texas in hopes of getting a jump on Dean.  If it misses they’ll be blamed for wasting money.

thats it for this.  Have good weeks, be kind to your fellow homo sapiens, and if you can’t do that at least amuse yourself while tormenting them.

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sunday is for random thoughts 8.5

July 30, 2007

1. The only thing you can’t find on youtube is a republican debate

2. whether you’re a professor or a gardener, I think letting your kid get cooked in a car is a bad thing, and probably should be punished

3.  I’ve never met a stripper I didn’t like, but I don’t loan them money

4.  Leonard Nimoy is going to play spock again.  I think thats cool.  An old really strange guy not working as a walmart greeter.

5.   a coelacanth won’t do anything but swim in a brook, he can’t write his name or read a book… would you like to swing on a star would’ve been a much different song had it been written 360 million years ago

hell its a Bing song, and i’m bored…here you go…gratuitously stolen from some other website…What that is called boys and girls is confessing to a crime.

Would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a mule

A mule is an animal with long funny ears
he kicks up at anything he hears
His back is brawny but his brain is weak
he’s just plain stupid with a stubborn streak
and by the way if you hate to go to school
You may grow up to be a mule

Oh would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a pig

A pig is an animal with dirt on his face
his shoes are a terrible disgrace
He has no manners when he eats his food
He’s fat and lazy and extremely rude
But if you don’t care a feather or a fig
you may grow up to be a pig

Oh would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a fish

A fish won’t do anything but swim in a brook
he can’t write his name or read a book
to fool the people is his only thought
and though he’s slippery he still gets caught
but if then that sort of life is what you wish
you may grow up to be a fish
(music)
a new kind of jumped up slippery fish

And all the monkeys aren’t in the zoo
everyday you see quite a few
so you see it’s all up to you,
you could be better than you are
you could be swinging on a star

5.  You bone strokers better read that.  I could be incarcerated for it.

6.  Dogs are way better than cats.  Why?  It’s simple really.  Because I said so.

7.  I feed my pets.  My children have to fend for themselves.  Thats what opposable thumbs will get you.

8.  speaking of opposable thumbs…can I trade mine for a prehensile tail? It looks funner

9.  Roscoe has overcome his aversion to tile floors.  It is funnier than hell to see a rabbit walking like a cat, but not so funny to feel his furry little ass scootching across my feet as I’m shaving in the morning.

10.  We are going to have a democratic president.  This president will be a woman.   I’m ok with it.  Let a woman screw things up for awhile.  They lie better, and I’m far to jaded to fall for just any old bullshit.

11.   glass is a solid.  I just said that because one group of people I’m almost certain I’ve never pissed off is the “glass is a liquid” crowd.  This is what 44 years of pissing people off will get you. 

12.  Male praying mantids don’t masturbate.  You see what it gets them?  For those of you who don’t know the female praying mantis tends to chow on the male after sex.  The human version of this is called “alimony.”

13.  I am in pool number 20 of jurors for marion superior court.  I think the best way for me to get out of it is to have them punch up criminyjicket on their computers.  I’m not trying to evade my civic duty, although I have no idea why they call it that…a civic is a honda right?  What I’m trying to do is make sure some poor schmo doesn’t get the chair for jaywalking.  i can be persuasive when I want to be.

14.  I don’t care what else you do this millenia, but at some point you should go check out Anita’s sunday prayers.  She is probably the only thing keeping god from tormenting me 24/7.

15.  I am now going to bed…no…you may not come along…I am tired, and explaining the birds and the bees to you is beyond my ability at this time…enjoy your week…or not…as you see fit…being pissy about everything causes hair to grow on your toenails, and nobody wants to hang out with a hobbit


this week, the blog review, and sunday is for random thoughts #8

July 29, 2007

  Yeah were combining all these this weeek because I’m lazy, and have to go to work at 4 a. m.  Trust me when I tell you reading me then would not be half as pleasant as this will be, and I’m not counting on this being no tip toe through the tulips trip for you anyway.

   I had a bad week.  I failed to beat the crap out of my fellow commuter, and I’ve regretted it ever since.  Somehow mercy leaped to the aid of the little poindexter driving the G35, and I for one am worse for its presence.  It makes me feel llike I’m getting old.

The massive zit rising out of my forehead like a Vesuvias eruption on the other hand doesn’t make me feel young.  I haven’t had a zit in 20 years, and I of course blame the blogosphere.  This being the pimple on the ass of all things literary, I fear its attemting to subjugate my brain.  That or my horns are finally growing in, and according to the quiz over at Empress Max’s blog that may be the case.  I drew the devil card, but it’s erroneous I’m sure.  They come no more mild mannered and pacifistic than I.

      I have also found some new spice for the blogroll, and it is a devilishly funny place to visit.  I should probably warn you that some of the stuff might make you laugh.  Some of the things are not funny stuff, but the take they have on it can leave you shaking your head.  If you go there be sure to find out what a CILF is.  I found it to be a rousing good read, and I’m sure when they are playing in their own little hell we at O’malley’s pub and eatery will be worse for their absence.  Don’t go here if you are a lemming.  It’s not your thing.

Soldier of Truth manages to talk about a lot of issues that generally make you think boring, but he does it in a way that isn’t.  Some of his stuff is downright hilarious, and he pisses off ron paul fans so he’s cool with me.

   The blog is doing alright.  I”m not changing the world, but I beat CNN and the other news orgs. to the punch quite a bit.  I’m not sure if that’s really a good thing since if they think it’s worth talking about I almost asuredly do not.  I have more people reading my semi-literate efforts at cretinism than I would’ve thought would be the case 2 months ago when I started this, but when I compare readership to total number of humans on the planet it keeps my ego in check.

I refuse to post about Hillary Clinton’s cleavage as long as Nancy Pelosi’s monumental fat orbs are dangling in the halls of Congress.

For all you Dick Cheney fans, he just got a new defibrillator installed (thats sort of a high tech oil change).  If you really don’t like him go microwave him some popcorn.

Darwinism seems wrong until you go to walmart.

my neighbor has a cat that thinks my house is his home.  I think he intends to eat Roscoe.  My next post is likely to start My neighbor HAD a cat.

I have to get up at 4 a.m. tomorrow.  If I say that once more I’m whining.  To put some perspective to how I feel about that, let me just point out that I would rather be ass-raped by a wandering band of hyenas.

Do you think the romans feeding christians to the lions made the lions dumber?  You are what you eat.

Bitching whining and complaining doesn’t change anything.  automatic weapons do though.

since my lobotomy doesn’t seem to be taking I’m going to end this.  You folks have good weeks, and piss someone off.  It’s good for the soul


sunday is for random thoughts #7

July 22, 2007

1.  how can our congress hold the Iraqi government accountable for reaching benchmarks?  What exactly have they accomplished this year?

2.  The Beckhams are here.  Soccer still sucks, and we already had enough inane women in Hollywood.  I wouldn’t call it a lose/lose, but it certainly doesn’t change the status quo.

3.  over 11,000 citations have been written in Seattle using “red light cams.”  Big brother may not be watching you, but big traffic cop is.  Can we say “cash cow” boys and girls.  BTW, these are advocated by the insurance industry.  Accidents go down, your rates keep going up.  That is some cool business they have.  The city pays for the cameras, your tickets buy all kinds of new things that the police can violate your rights with, and auto insurance companies have to pay out less claims.

4.    Religion does not grant morality.  If you don’t believe me ask your priest to get off the altar boy so you can talk to him about it.

5.   Morality is not as fun as immorality, but you get to go to a mythical place when you die.  I’m going to o’malleys.  They are going to cremate me and lacquer my ashes into the bar.

6.  pomegrante Smirnoffs are quite the tasty libation.  If you feel a little gay drinking them,  throw the empties away in the neighbors trash, and not even your garbage man will know.

7.  I have lost 14 pounds since may with my new weight loss regimen.  It’s called “work.”  Pretty catchy, hunh?  It works as well as Alli and no pants crapping.

8.    I bought the new Harry Potter book yesterday.  It’s very disappointing.  I don’t like the cover art, and it weighs less than 5 pounds.  No, I haven’t started reading it yet.

9.   I woke up to the sound of roscoe banging his head against his water bottle.  Sooner or later I can drive anything crazy.

10.  Senator Feingold has proposed censuring Bush.  Only because proposing to beat him with a bat would’ve got him arrested.

11. I think Michael Vick is a real shithead, but I don’t think that a federal government that uses dogs to sniff out landmines has a lot of room to talk.

12.  You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead.  It’s just not proper, and they can’t hear you so you don’t get the joy of pissing them off. 

13.  Introspection is the root of all evil.  I’m going to contemplate that in terms of my own life for awhile, and then i’ll tell you why.

14.  Flooding in japan, texas, great britain, kansas, and all over south east asia in just the last month.  If I turn on the news I’ll bet I see Al Gore whining about the problem of Global Wetting.

15.   Ron Paul is now at 2% in the polls.  Throw in the margin of error and he is exactly where he was when his campaign started.  I’m betting his followers have a different take on this, but they have a different take on spaghettios, as well.

16.  I am pro spaghettio’s…in case you were wondering.

17.  If elections were held today it would be Hillary Vs. Rudy.  Why do I feel underwhelmed about the future?

18.  Don’t look now, but nothing has changed since last week, all the good intentions, bad events, and political posturing haven’t changed anything.  oh wait, I’m one book that I haven’t read richer.  Enjoy your week. 


Sunday is for random thoughts

June 16, 2007

gonna do this tonight because I’m taking off for the weekend.  Y’all enjoy your days of rest.  Remember, consensual drunkeness and debauchery are not crimes.

1.  Fishing is the only sport where you take pride in outsmarting a creature with a brain the size of a bb.  Except politics I suppose.

2.  I think its a little disingenuous for hamas to grant fatah an amnesty while they throw a guy off a building.  thats just me.

3.  About the only thing a TV is good for anymore is its a dandy place to put the remote.

4.  except for mollie the mooch and roscoe the wonder bunny the only creature on this planet I trust is my father.  In all other cases I have been proven wrong.

5.  It doesn’t seem fair that we contemplate amnesty for illegal immigrants, but non violent felons carry their record, and all that goes with it to their graves without a word said.

authors note:  after they complete their sentence, most nonviolent felons still lose as many as 35 of their constitutional rights, including the one to vote.  This disproportionately affects minorities.

6.   Love is as resilient as you make it.  Don’t water a plant…you get the idea.

7.   the dearth of talent on the internet makes it a fertile breeding ground for plagiarists.  To say nothing of scum sucking thieves whose theft of intellectual property is going to bring government regulators into the web like dea agents into a crack convention. 

8.  In reference to post 7….I think the sky is falling.

9.   Ever have a woman tell you “well you’ve never given birth so you know nothing about pain.”  Tell her 8 mllion women did it squatting in caves with no medical care, quit whining.

another damn authors note:  I once had a kidney stone that put me on a morphine drip.  The emergency room nurse said she had had a kid and a kidney stone, and she’d rather have 10 more kids than one more stone.

10.   I’m not sure why random thoughts come harder on friday night than on sunday morning, but they do, so I’m stopping here.

 11.  Ron Paul does too look like Henry Gibson.  You don’t know what you’re talking about.  Go ahead…vote for him…we need a pathetic looking president.  It’ll give the little people hope. 

12.  Unless you want to be looking for a room, never treat your mate like they treat you.  Trust me on this.

remember, no matter how bad today might have sucked, its will get worse than that sometime soon.