oh, quit sucking up

August 8, 2007

  I made the mistake of hitting the love tag.  Yeah, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking either.  I thought maybe a good article on tennis or some such.  What I got was an article about the beauty of women…well…i think that’s what it was about.  Aw hell, no I don’t.  This geek was trying to get chicksies to pay attention to him.  It worked to.  I now know exactly which line of bullshit to present when I wish to fake the babes out of their knickers.

Enough about asswind.  I’ve found through trial and error…and error…and error…that the only way I can deal with the female of the species is to treat them like anyone else.  Sure, they have breasts, but if you take away that one overriding and significant benefit they aren’t much different than any other human.   Don’t get me wrong.  Romance and all the fluffy shit that goes with it is alright, but you should never underestimate them.  i have some simple rules to live by when it comes to women.

1.  Get it yourself.  For whatever reason they assume that being your servant isn’t what they signed on for, and that gooey thing you just swallowed with your first sip of that beer could be anything.

2.  Don’t mistake kindness for weakness.  In fact, if you are getting kindness, and the situation does not merit it, find an exit, and evacuate as quickly as humanly possible.

3.  Never go to sleep before a mad woman.  I could regale you with oodles of good stories on how I came to live by this rule, but I’m going to let John Wayne Bobbitt do a guest blog to explain it.

4.  Don’t touch their diet coke…ever…i mean…EVER.  I don’t know.  I have it on good authority that it’s a no no.

5.  Expect the unexpected.  If their is one thing that you can be sure of it’s that your dumbass has no idea what she is thinking until she tells you.  Never say “what are you thinking.”  You will either be told if she wanted you to know she would be talking, or you will spend the next several hours wishing you had heeded my advice.

6.   Never talk about the relationship.  Take that in.  Ruminate on it.  now take several deep breaths, and take it in again.  This one is incredibly important.  Talking about your relationship is the death knell of it.  Fine, think you’re one of them enlightened guys like numbnuts I just read.  What you know about your relationship with her is as a tea cup next to an ocean by comparison to what she knows about her relationship with you. 

7. Allow her to pass through the kitchen, but otherwise make that your space.  If you do not you will end up eating all kinds of shit she found in a recipe book, and its bad for you.  Food is meant to be tossed together, spiced all to hell, and eaten.  If your plate has more than four colors on it you let her in the kitchen.

8.  Never ask her if it was good for her.  You might just have an honest woman laying there, and the answer could trouble you for years.  In this one instance, be introspective.  Figure out if it was good for you as you drift off to sleep.  No Talking.  It only leads to bad things.

9.  She is tougher, meaner, and smarter.  I don’t know why.  You’ve been reading this, you think I suddenly became Dr. Ruth since number 8?  All I know is that in matters of your relationship she is, and you might as well accept it.  Go golfing.  Arm wrestle over beers at O’malley’s.  I know your ego just took a hit but you’ll survive it.  Underestimate her once and your friends will be luaghing at you or pitying you for months.

10.  Don’t listen to me.  I don’t.  I can fuck up a relationship just by showing up.  Still, all ten of these will keep you from ending up like shit for brains.

relationship advice

July 26, 2007

  I seldom give this because when it comes to relationships I’m your basic dumbass, and don’t really try to change that.  Being me is not bad, and i don’t see changing me within the next several thousand years.  Still, even the terminally stupid, inconsiderate, myopic, intransigent, and just plain foolhardy can impart some wisdom on almost any issue,  I’ve decided to prove it.  You might want to strap yourself in.  This is going to be so profound.

1.  Live at seperate addresses.  This alleviates a ton of problems.  If god had meant for man and woman to live together he would have never given women free will.  (see, I told you to strap yourself in.  Had you heeded my advice you wouldn’t be online choking the shit out of me right now.

2.  Don’t share the bathroom space, unless your one of those wierdos who likes incredibly uncomfortable and plausibly dangerous shower sex.  I have good balance, but sex is a physical activity, and showers are slippery as hell when they’re wet.  The reason for not sharing this space is simple.  It is the only privacy you have.  You have already abbrogated your right to privacy by ignoring advice #1.  Adults in a relationship who share the bathroom always split up. Always.  If you haven’t yet, you will.

3. lie.  Lie a lot. lie constantly and vociferously.  Lie about everything.  Lie about your age just for practice.  The one thing that I am absolutely positively sure of is that my mate has no desire to know the truth.   At least none so far.Lying is a practical necessity in relationships because for whatever reason, when you get in a relationship you ask really dumb questions that you don’t wish to know the answer to.  I had a full grown woman ask me one time how many people I had slept with.  I lied.  Not because I feared her reaction, but whatever I said honestly would have been wrong, and would’ve led to the follow on question How many animals, and I really didn’t want it being asked.   If this question is asked of you gentlemen, lie.  Tell them you are a virgin.  Then make them prove otherwise.  Another great one is “does this make my ass look fat?”  they only ask if they a. think it does, or b. know it does.  On this one you may as well just be honest, because if you lie they call you on it, and hate you for the rest of the day because you were going to let them go out in public looking fat.  My favorite response to this question has always been “yes, but so does everything else so just wear the damn thing.”  No matter what you are going to do this answer gaurantees tranquility on the ride there. which leads us to…

4.  The silent treatment.  I know all you guys already know this, but pretend to hate the fact that they are not nagging the living shit out of you.  I don’t know why when women get really mad some synapse in their cerebral cortex tells them that we would feel worse if they don’t scream at us, harangue us, terrorize us verbally.  The silent treatment is by far my favorite “you are a total asshole ” punishment.  It’s even better than “I’m going out” because the only reason they are going out is to meet up with their girlfriends and hold a symposium on the best way to make you miserable when they come home.

5. ok, time for a serious one. When you argue don’t bring up the past.  Everybody does this, and I just saved you a shitload of money on marriage counselling if you remember this one thing.  And the living at seperate addresses one, and…forget it…just don’t bring up the past.  The reason for this is simple.  If YOU bring up the past the other party in the aforementioned argument will feel it is their constitutional right, and god given duty to blame you for everything that has happened on the planet since the rapture.  It has been my fault that man evolved from apes, that cook county illinois politics is corrupt, that woodrow wilson was elected president, and that nagasaki and hiroshima were turned a sickly shade of gray.  I also singlehandedly have destroyed the institution of marriage, made anyone who invested in Rum stocks rich beyond belief, and created a need for a humane society.  When it comes to arguing I tend to get smoked because I get this incredulous look on my face, and can’t control my laughter.

 6. understand that relationships are not fair.  They were never meant to be.  As a blogger I know once put it “i’m the girl.” nuff said, but I’ll say some more anyway, because thats kinda how I roll as my kids would say.  If you need proof, here it is.

the only thing women need to learn to survive in a relationship is “the look.”  Their mothers teach them this before they are 2, and every man on the planet knows the look I’m talking about.  It has no variations, and no substitutes.  On the other hand, men need to learn a myriad of things.  Scheduling (to you young guys, be wrong by a day on this one and you will quickly learn that PMS means Perpetually Maniacal Spazz), psychology (how long can I lay here before she finally blows her grape and kills me for not mowing the lawn), and asskissing 101 to name just a few.  Asskissing is an artform. Take the phrase “you’re right, I’m wrong, I love you.”  It’s wonderful asskissing, but not if you’re smirking.  Do not use “yes dear, no dear, whatever you say dear” if you are in a position where she can either see your eyes rolling, or you making that stroking gesture with your hand.

  I have about a million more, but the reality is my blog is unlikely to survive that 7.   The only real relationship advice is when you argue, and you will, keep it on point.  This will keep you from saying something unforgiveable.  oh, one more,  “go get me a towel” is not post coital conversation, and kicking the cat off the bed is not foreplay..oh, and another….nah…i’m kiddin…

 now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go contemplate how it is that I’m single

I was rummaging around

July 13, 2007

  and realized I haven’t upset anyone in awhile.  I mean really upset them, and it makes me feel like i’m not doing the one thing I was placed on this planet to do.  That being said….

My best friend growing up was a lesbian.  I didn’t know she was a lesbian, and I’m pretty sure since we slept together a time or 6 she didn’t either.  Once we were grown we were still friends, but we stopped sleeping together.  She told me things about when she was growing up that I had never known.  Her step-dad was one of those sick fucks, and without going into details should’ve been taken out behind the barn and shot.  He had 5 step daughters.  Anyway, I went to hang out with her and all her lesbian chums In Virginia Beach.  Oh, she was in the navy at the time.

   Each of the young ladies in her little don’t ask don’t tell clique seemed to have stories much like hers.  They were all very nice people, and i had a very enjoyable week.  On the last night I was there they took me to dinner at a bar restaurant called Reflections.  It had a bit of a gender bender type crowd.  The best looking gal in the place was this really nice guy named Scott.  I pride myself on being able to be plopped down anywhere and thrive on whatever happens.

   I did.  It was a very good night. I met a lot of freaks.  they met the personification of mentally deranged straght, and a fine time was had by all.  The food, I had shrimp alfredo, was terrific, the booze flowed as it was supposed to, and i think I danced with at least three human genders, and maybe a couple of aliens.

  Afterwards everyone went to their respective homes, and we all got together for the big sendoff the next day.  4 of the young ladies showed up for my departure with black eyes.  It’s quite possible that their upbringings had nothing to do with the sexual orientation choice, but i’m betting it had something to do with the relationships they were in being abusive.

That’s right…i wrote about something personal, and about lesbians.  If you aren’t mad yet, remember.  I have the whole weekend.

oh, I’m not a lesbian

Dad of the year

July 13, 2007

my son comes home and says “dad, I caused a car accident,” with a big smile on his face.  Regardless of the circumstances, that’s not a nice combination.  I asked anyway.  “I was walking down the sidewalk, and this woman drives by, and she’s got this rubberneck thing going on staring at me. Then wham, she plows right into a pickup from behind.”  “was anyone hurt?”  “nope.  I went over and checked.”  I’m pleased he went to check, but damn his ego is going to be hard to fit in the house.

son #2 comes home.  He says “Dad, I need to talk to you.”  My mind screams “uh oh.”  My mouth says “go ahead.”  Well, I really like my best friends sister, and you know more about this kind of thing than Zach, so what should I do.”

“well, first you should be a better judge of what others know,” says I.  I know almost nothing about women, and the only moderately successful relationship I’ve ever had ended in death.  “well Zach just said “bros before ho’s.”  (can you do that with quotation marks? who cares? So I said “no man who has succeeded in a relationship has lived by that addage since we were writing on caves with dung.”  “well, what should I do?”  “whatever you decide.  Let me know how it works out.”

Daughter comes home.  “dad, can I have $20 to go to the movies with Kelsey?  Her mom says she’ll go with us.”

Sometimes daughters are the easy ones.

sunday is for random thoughts #5

July 8, 2007

1.Nothing will end a relationship quicker than talking about the relationship.

2,I talk to inanimate objects.  Half of the people that just thought “what a doofus” talk to plants, gold fish, and their spouses.

3. look, fishtracks

4. I’m older, wiser, and meaner than you.  Yeah, you have more stuff.  you win

5. text messaging is not the root of all evil, but it is the weapon of choice of idiots and knaves

6. 70 congesspersons are women, 16 senators are women, about 50 percent of the population is made up of women. The problem isn’t gone yet.

8. everyone is dysfunctional but me…I am datfunctional

9. i want world peace, and end to starvation and a cigarette.  Some of your goals should always be attainable.

10. I’m not nearly as impressed with the new 7 wonders as I was with the old ones.  Do you think thats because of online voting, or because 6 of the old 7 no longer exist?

11. the internet is not making us dumber.  It just gives more dumb people access. (more on this one later)

12. Jimmy Stewart, Idi Amin Dada, and Toulouse Lautrec’ three people i would not invite to dinner

13.  you can’t gargle with a ping pong ball in your mouth. (just to see if i get any search engine hits on this)

14.  if brains were made of cotton I know a lot of people that wouldn’t have enough  cotton to make a tampon for a termite.

15.  if everyone said what they thought I’d go to church on Sundays.

16.   If I could bring myself to believe in creationism it would be a lot easier to understand why the world is so messed up.  Was god in a union? was there a deadline? He could’ve spent several millenia just on free thought.

17.  I am stuck on bandaids, because bandaids stuck on me.  (random isn’t always that much fun is it?)

18. putrescence, sarcastic, and insipid….that covers congress for this week

19.  facetious, abstemious, and aerious.  three words that prove there are not just two words in the english language with all five vowels in their proper order

20.   nothing is ever as it seems, and everything seems different to everyone.  Add to that there is no hard “truth” outside of mathematics, and you can pretty well assume that whatever someone else is saying isn’t true for you.

21.  not tonight, i have a headache.   (see what i mean)

I’ve nothing to write about

July 4, 2007

  well, i was going to write, but it just isn’t there.  Big surprise.   My mind is on the coming bar-b-q, drinkathon, fireworks extravaganza, and keeps being invaded by random dumbness.  I have maybe 20 good ideas a day on what to write about, but I only have them when I’m not in the vicinity of anything to write with.  If a tool for communication is present i have all the creative ability of an oyster.  Which is I why I keep dropping all these pearls on the three of you.

    Does Great Britain get pissy and plot revenge on the fourth of July?

    Do liberal females support islamic radicals because Burkha’s look so comfortable?

    I know its not commonly known, but freedom of speech goes hand in hand with the freedom to STFU.

    Do personal attacks bother you?  When someone attacks my person I generally go clip my toenails. 

    Have you ever been in a bar, half drunk and thought “there is no one in this whole place that I’m going to sleep with tonight?”  

    me neither

    when your phone rings do you find yourself sneaking up on it hoping the call isn’t from you know who?

    when you get in your car do you feel sexier, or does that just happen to bald fat middleaged men driving vettes?

    How mad would you be if you found out that vegetables being healthy was just a government disinformation    campaign designed to help out farmers?

    Have you ever been talking to someone, and out of the blue you think “i’ve finally found my soulmate?

    Have you ever been right?   again, me either

     If it wasn’t for my children I would likely be rich, incredibly adventurous, and very unhappy.

     there are exactly 7,436,519 reasons why men and women should not live in the same house.  Yet they still persist in this insanity.

     they keep making gadgets that will make my life easier.  All I want is something that will bend over for me.  that I could use.  Nope, its not a feature on the Iphone so I will never own one.

     If being poor isn’t fun why are so many people poor?

     to my liberal fan base:  If George Bush is so stupid, how did he beat Al Gore and John Kerry?  I mean, if they’re the best and the brightest the liberals have to offer, how did a dumbie get the job meant for them?

      If you ever have a few minutes to kill, and your ignorant about what the fight against islamic fundamentalism is all about…type the words “sharia law” in your browser window.  No, don’t bother.  you’re funner when you don’t know what the hell you are talking about.

      I have ribs marinating, rum and tequila cooling, and my neighbors expecting our attendance at the usual 4th of july get together.  

    Thank god i have rum and tequila cooling.  Inebriation is the only thing that makes neighbors tolerable.

     My son just woke up.  Had I ever slept past noon my father would have…well…it’s why I call him father, and not dad.

    Happy fourth of july.  May the freedom we cherish be recognized as something others fought and died for. 




Moving…out, up, and undecided

July 3, 2007

      Of all the nerve.  Several years ago a friend of mine, almost certainly in jest, called me misogynistic.  One of the few times in my life that I didn’t bother to look it up.  I should have.  I just did, and almost pissed my pants.   The reason I didn’t was because it was an online friend, and she had issues to numerous to count in the men department.  To be honest, I figured it was probably a synonym for narcississtic which I’m not either so I let it roll on by.  We continued to have many humerous conversations, and until I withdrew from the online world we remained moderately good friends.

    I’m not sure why I confessed to ignorance and apathy there, but maybe just to make the point that I’m niether.  Although misogyny would be a good one to be if you had the time to be hostile and hateful a lot.  Narcissism on the other hand would be boring from hell.  Maybe not for you, but I generally treat me like I treat everyone else that I’m not openly disdainful of…with barely concealed tolerance.

   The really funny thing is that I tend to like almost everyone I meet.  as long as they have no affect on my existence, why not?   It’s when it gets deeper than that my issues tend to spring forth like a late blooming flower, all colorful rhetoric, with maladroit social graces as garnishment. 

    I guess what brought this on is I’m about to make a move.  Homewise this time.  One of many moves made this year.  For better or worse, my sedentary approach to my existence is in the middle of cataclysmic upheaval.  Faced with this, and being a firm believer in the old saw “in for a penny…in for a pound.” I’ve decided a change of scenery of the domicile variety is in order.  The kids are all for it as this place is cramped from hell, and with the ongoing alcoholism issues the other parental unit is currently experiencing they spend most of their time here.  I fear if more space is not forthcoming fratricide will be.

     I made this decision like I make most.  I saw it, I did it, nobody to consult.  I like that.  It makes things simple.  I am in one of my nearly perpetual sabbaticals from decent relationship living, and it removes all the comprehensive consultation and compromise that is required.   The last one ended like all of them.  It was wonderful, it was horrible, and it became intolerable.  Funny how love or the belief of love can do that.  After oodles of soul searching, I chalked it up as all my fault and went to breakfast.  That sounds a little snide, but it’s quite possibly as close to the truth as I’ll ever get on the matter, so its a good place to bury the body.  I could dig deeper and try to decipher the myriad of mistakes that created the death of it, but why put myself through that?  When it’s time to move you pack your shit and you move.  When its time to get over it you pack your emotional garbage, take a couple years off and deal with the abject misery of making all of your own decisions for awhile.  Darn, sounds horrid doesn’t it?

    I’m not sure how I got from misogyny to here, but I’d probably characterize myself as stubborn, selfish, and independent.  If that be misogyny then the dictionary has it all wrong.   For those of you not wishing to scamper to a dictionary, and being as dense as I am…it means being hostile or hateful toward women.  I’m hateful and hostile towward the bulk of society, and am disqualified as a result from taking part.  Damn the luck.

why do i do it?

July 3, 2007

   I don’t usually do these.  Straightforward speak isn’t a gift of mine.  i have 72,356 defense mechanisms that generally keep me from being figured out by anyone.  Except I suppose my children, because what the hell, someone always knows you.  Which isn’t the concern particularly.  what everyone should be concerned about is knowing themselves.  Unfortunately, thats not always the easiest thing in the world.

   Who are you? No, really.  Tell the truth now.  You are a product of your experiences, your intellect, and your emotions.  I’m sure there are more, but being as were all animals its probably best to keep it simple.  How you behave is on a very basic level your reaction to the combination of those three things.    Ergo, how you interact with the rest of the creatures on this planet tells a lot about you.  Bored yet?  I know, My sigmundcricket routine needs work.  thats what this is…practice makes perfect.  Lets work our way through a few practice exercises and see what falls out of your tree.  If nothing does that says nothing except that jiminy isn’t real good at pushing peoples buttons.  Apathy is a harsh mistress.

   How are your relationships with others?  Not how you see them.  How did they see you.? What are you doing?  How they saw you is irrelevant.  They looked at you through the prism of their own little troika.  See, you already messed up if you tried to look at it through their eyes.  Sorry, just funning with you.  True though.  the only way to know yourself is to take all the little skeletons out of the closet and let your mind perambulate through the bones for awhile. Go ahead.  Even if you’re a supreme whackjob you’ll be able to look in the mirror when you’re done.  Supreme whackjobs are unaware what they do is wrong.

   I personally am not so hot at relationships.  this isn’t a point of pride with me, but rather an obvious shortcoming.  I’ve been involved with what I think are wonderful women, and I somehow manage to bring out the worst in them.  I hear  “it’s not what you do, it’s what you don’t do” so many times I’ve developed a form of paralysis that makes me do less.  Not maybe the best way to handle a situation, but if you’re not pleasing your mate then you either get the hell out or change.

   Change is that jingly shit in your pocket.  I have a very limited ability to understand it as anything else.  You can either fight who you are, or you can roll over on your back and drift with the current.  This isn’t to say I’ve never made an effort to change.  It just never takes.  Mulishness leads me to believe that though I have several hundred thousand flaws, they are mine and I enjoy them, and I am keeping them.

We’re not here to talk about me though.  What is it that makes a person leap to the defense of someone they don’t know at the merest hint of a slight? What does that tell you?  I don’t know, I’m asking.  It tells me that they have a bit of a problem with insecurity, and are therefore uncommonly overprotective.  It probably tells you something else.  We don’t have common experiences is my point.  We can both go through exactly the same thing, and see the entire situation differently.  Other experiences we have cause this divergence in observation.  i know, you’re thinking this is way elementary to you.  It may well be.  Your exalted intellect has now taken the baton from your experiences, and is willing to carry the load for awhile.

   Intellect is a funny thing.  When looking at yourself it’s more important to understand what you don’t know than what you do.   There are no omnipotent intellects, and yes, that includes yours.  Ok, I’ll grudgingly add mine, but I do mean grudgingly. I know some incredibly intelligent people. Dumber than stumps.  Can’tt wipe their butt if you don’t have directions next to the toilet paper dispenser.  It’s because  they have managed through education and study to amass a burgeoning cesspool of knowledge, yet managed to cocoon themselves within their specific fields of study and failed to experience life outside that bubble.   Having a sound intellect without experience is what leads to…well, for lack of a better term….blogging.  That was just a cruel and unnecessary shot, and I apologize.  I’m sure you know what I mean here.  Without experience intellect isn’t exactly filet mignon.

   Halt you heathen bastard, I shall take no more of your troglodytic slander.  See, right there your emotion took over.  I could rattle on for hours about this one.  I could attempt to inveigle you to my way of thinking, and if I knew the right buttons to push based on your intellect and experience probably succeed.  Unfortunately, my emotions don’t allow me to get real persistent.  I’m not exactly warm and fuzzy, and I’ m not cold and heartless.  My experience and intellect have created a mixture of cynicism and naivete, and you should try lugging that cross up Golgotha.

    Ok, so none of that means anything boys and girls.  we know this because I said it.  It’s just worthless junk tossed on the trash heap of your experience.  Yep, you just experienced 7 minutes of Criminy Freud, and still don’t know yourself any better than you did when we started.  You might know me a little better, but that and $43.00 will barely get you a tripple cappucina mocha souffle at starbucks.  BTW, I know nothing about coffee.

   did I mention love?  No?  go figure.

sunday is for random thoughts #3

June 24, 2007

1.  Imagine my chagrin when I started to listen to classical music and found out it was played on all my favorite cartoons.

2.  Horse tastes a lot like cow.

3.  We should ban all hunting.  it is much more fun to watch animals die of starvation and disease caused by overpopulation.

4.  I wish the government would let me pick what to spend the 1 out of 3 dollars of my earnings that they snatch from me on.  I’d buy a bomb for fallujah.

5.     Droopy, woody woodpecker, and atom ant could so kick sponge bob’s, dexter’s, and chuckie’s asses.

6.    If you treat everyone the way they treat you, you will spend a lot of time alone.

7.  The blog definition of troll is “someone who doesn’t agree with every idiotic thing you think.”

8.  80 American soldiers have died in Iraq in June.  I have no idea how many have died in car accidents, in gun violence, in domestic situations, of diabetes, of cancer, of cirrhosis, of suicide, of drug overdoses, of neglect, of starvation, in work related accidents, or simply by falling.  While all of these are certainly higher numbers, no news organization see’s fit to give me a daily count.

9.    John Stewart and Stephen Colebert have exactly the same reasons to lie to us a Wolf Blitzer and Storm Davis.  They get paid based on popularity.

10.   Cynicism is the commingling of intellect and experience.  If you aren’t cynical you lack one or the other.

11.   Never loan someone money.  If you care enough to loan it to them give it to them.  It saves a lot of frustration.

12.   A loyal dog is a better companion than a disloyal mate.

13.   I’m not sure what that is, but I have an incredible desire to dip my scrotum in it.

14.   If you took the collective good deeds of all the candidates for president and put them in a pile, and then took the net worth of the same group….which would you rather leave to your children?

15.  You have it real good if you’re one of the millions that spend time at work doing non-work oriented things on your computer.  Any reasonable boss would fire you.

16.   You will sometime in the future be lied to by a friend, cheated on by a mate, disrespected by your progeny, or abused or neglected by those who are responsible for your care.  Ain’t life a bitch?

17.   working hard is not half as prosperous as screwing people over, but you can look at yourself in the mirror without saying “damn I’m good.”

18.  Don’t be so angry, so hurt, so despondent.  Doin’t let others change how you see yourself. Don’t join the herd of lemmings you see crossing before you, and never doubt your ability to make a difference.  Now get the hell out of here.  I’m out of random thoughts for today.

postscript:  don’t forget to contact your congresman at  

http://blog.aflcio.org/   Ron Paul and most other conservatives voted against it, meaning it has to be good for working americans.

Sunday is for random thoughts

June 16, 2007

gonna do this tonight because I’m taking off for the weekend.  Y’all enjoy your days of rest.  Remember, consensual drunkeness and debauchery are not crimes.

1.  Fishing is the only sport where you take pride in outsmarting a creature with a brain the size of a bb.  Except politics I suppose.

2.  I think its a little disingenuous for hamas to grant fatah an amnesty while they throw a guy off a building.  thats just me.

3.  About the only thing a TV is good for anymore is its a dandy place to put the remote.

4.  except for mollie the mooch and roscoe the wonder bunny the only creature on this planet I trust is my father.  In all other cases I have been proven wrong.

5.  It doesn’t seem fair that we contemplate amnesty for illegal immigrants, but non violent felons carry their record, and all that goes with it to their graves without a word said.

authors note:  after they complete their sentence, most nonviolent felons still lose as many as 35 of their constitutional rights, including the one to vote.  This disproportionately affects minorities.

6.   Love is as resilient as you make it.  Don’t water a plant…you get the idea.

7.   the dearth of talent on the internet makes it a fertile breeding ground for plagiarists.  To say nothing of scum sucking thieves whose theft of intellectual property is going to bring government regulators into the web like dea agents into a crack convention. 

8.  In reference to post 7….I think the sky is falling.

9.   Ever have a woman tell you “well you’ve never given birth so you know nothing about pain.”  Tell her 8 mllion women did it squatting in caves with no medical care, quit whining.

another damn authors note:  I once had a kidney stone that put me on a morphine drip.  The emergency room nurse said she had had a kid and a kidney stone, and she’d rather have 10 more kids than one more stone.

10.   I’m not sure why random thoughts come harder on friday night than on sunday morning, but they do, so I’m stopping here.

 11.  Ron Paul does too look like Henry Gibson.  You don’t know what you’re talking about.  Go ahead…vote for him…we need a pathetic looking president.  It’ll give the little people hope. 

12.  Unless you want to be looking for a room, never treat your mate like they treat you.  Trust me on this.

remember, no matter how bad today might have sucked, its will get worse than that sometime soon.