I made the mistake of hitting the love tag. Yeah, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking either. I thought maybe a good article on tennis or some such. What I got was an article about the beauty of women…well…i think that’s what it was about. Aw hell, no I don’t. This geek was trying to get chicksies to pay attention to him. It worked to. I now know exactly which line of bullshit to present when I wish to fake the babes out of their knickers.
Enough about asswind. I’ve found through trial and error…and error…and error…that the only way I can deal with the female of the species is to treat them like anyone else. Sure, they have breasts, but if you take away that one overriding and significant benefit they aren’t much different than any other human. Don’t get me wrong. Romance and all the fluffy shit that goes with it is alright, but you should never underestimate them. i have some simple rules to live by when it comes to women.
1. Get it yourself. For whatever reason they assume that being your servant isn’t what they signed on for, and that gooey thing you just swallowed with your first sip of that beer could be anything.
2. Don’t mistake kindness for weakness. In fact, if you are getting kindness, and the situation does not merit it, find an exit, and evacuate as quickly as humanly possible.
3. Never go to sleep before a mad woman. I could regale you with oodles of good stories on how I came to live by this rule, but I’m going to let John Wayne Bobbitt do a guest blog to explain it.
4. Don’t touch their diet coke…ever…i mean…EVER. I don’t know. I have it on good authority that it’s a no no.
5. Expect the unexpected. If their is one thing that you can be sure of it’s that your dumbass has no idea what she is thinking until she tells you. Never say “what are you thinking.” You will either be told if she wanted you to know she would be talking, or you will spend the next several hours wishing you had heeded my advice.
6. Never talk about the relationship. Take that in. Ruminate on it. now take several deep breaths, and take it in again. This one is incredibly important. Talking about your relationship is the death knell of it. Fine, think you’re one of them enlightened guys like numbnuts I just read. What you know about your relationship with her is as a tea cup next to an ocean by comparison to what she knows about her relationship with you.
7. Allow her to pass through the kitchen, but otherwise make that your space. If you do not you will end up eating all kinds of shit she found in a recipe book, and its bad for you. Food is meant to be tossed together, spiced all to hell, and eaten. If your plate has more than four colors on it you let her in the kitchen.
8. Never ask her if it was good for her. You might just have an honest woman laying there, and the answer could trouble you for years. In this one instance, be introspective. Figure out if it was good for you as you drift off to sleep. No Talking. It only leads to bad things.
9. She is tougher, meaner, and smarter. I don’t know why. You’ve been reading this, you think I suddenly became Dr. Ruth since number 8? All I know is that in matters of your relationship she is, and you might as well accept it. Go golfing. Arm wrestle over beers at O’malley’s. I know your ego just took a hit but you’ll survive it. Underestimate her once and your friends will be luaghing at you or pitying you for months.
10. Don’t listen to me. I don’t. I can fuck up a relationship just by showing up. Still, all ten of these will keep you from ending up like shit for brains.