Ron paul goes mainstream and other news awards

Sometimes I schmooze the news, and sometimes I do awards.  Todays crop seems award worthy, so lets see what we got.

The best man for the job is a dumbass award goes to General David Petraeus.  The genral was in charge of arming the Iraqi forces between 2004 and 2005.  It is quite possible that while we scream about the Iranians arming the insurgents the truth is, we did.  If this guy can’t count beans, what the hell is he doing leading all U.S. Forces in Iraq.  Assistant dumbass awards go to the Defense Department, and the White House.  The General didn’t create the cluster f&%k, he merely presided over it.

The Wizard of Oz Award goes to Congressional Democrats who displayed their lack of heart, brains, and courage by allowing the Bush Administration to bitch slap them again on the wiretapping issue (FISA).  The people who elected the democrats are in full scream over this duplicitous behaviour by their elected officials who used the wiretapping like a civil liberties club to get themselves the majority.  This isn’t the first time Nancy, Harry, and the rest have turned their back on the voters who ensured their employment.

  The Ostrich award goes to every single elected official who has ignored the infrastructure of this country over the last 30 years.  This link takes you to a state by state map of every bridge that is either structurally deficient, or structurally obsolete in America.  About 50 in my home town alone.  Some 25% of the total number of bridges in the country.

The Big Bang Award will not be going to Rush Limbaugh and Rosie O’donnell, as I can’t pin down the facts on their alleged tryst.  We’ll have to give it to the next largest collision of heavenly bodies in existence.  This is kind of cool if you’re into cosmic astrophysics type stuff.

The Cat Banging a Cheese Grater award goes to Sinead O’connor.  She has released her new album Theology, based on god stuff.  Yeah, the Sinead that tore up the picture of the pope.  Have a listen, and let me know when you’re IQ returns to normal what you think.

The Ebony and Ivory Award almost went to Michael Vick, but it turns out prison bars aren’t made of Ivory.  this is actually a very interesting article.  Interracial marriage with pro and con looks at the issue.

The Ican haz pink armband Award goes to policemen in Thailand.  Hello kitty is finally used as it shoud be.  To shame.

The  Man This Guy Is A Pissant Award goes to that propaganda is bliss reporter Sean Penn.  He is apparently courting another whackjob Leader in Hugo Chavez, the New Fidel of Latin America.  Can’t wait to see the end result  in print.  I wonder what kind of story you see from behind the bulletproof windshield of a man beloved by all?

The I need One Home Run Award goes to Barry Bonds…just kiddin…i wouldn’t give him testicle sweat…it goes to candidate Ron Paul.  For a long time his supporters have been waiting for his mainstream chance, and when he got it he lobbed one into centerfield.  He seemed shrill, and his interview I thought went quite poorly.  He failed to deny a false allegation about the Alex Jones show, claimed the 2nd amendment needs to be changed in favor of less gun control, and recommended allowing younger citizens to opt out of social security.  He will make up the money from pulling out of Iraq he claimed.  Sorry, Ron.  You can only pay for so many things with money you save from pulling out of Iraq.  This was not the kind of powerful showing he needed, and even his pauliacs say he got a fair shake.  Unfortunately, they also think he was messianic. ( go to the video box.  There are two links to his comments)

let’s schmooze the news

Haven’t done this in a week or so.  I’ve been to busy writing about inane crap to contemplate writing about the truly banal baloney…

well the iraqi parliament is leaving on their August hiatus.   Like our congress, their vacation is far more important to them than their people are.  What I really like is the almost afterthought at the bottom.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070730/ap_on_re_mi_ea/iraq_070717170945;_ylt=As1_FH88czmBIiJTb0db0qEL1vAI

So much for honor amongst thieves.  Michael Vicks co-conspirator is singing like a canary.  It looks bad for Michael, but we shouldn’t rush to judgement.  We should casually walk to it, as casually as he abused these dogs.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070730/ap_on_sp_fo_ne/fbn_vick_co_defendant_13;_ylt=AlEhndC_3dAjmmzF21oPQmsL1vAI

The Elect Billary campaign is insulted by the fashion article about ms. hillary’s cleavage.  Like its a bad thing.  Trust me hillary, you want me looking at your breasts and not listening to your words. Oh who am i kidding…I’m a nancy’s jugs guy anyway.  Hillary couldn’t get my vote if she did a cirque du soleil act naked with the swedish bikini team.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070730/od_nm/usa_politics_clinton1_dc_1;_ylt=AmXrK7.vCfiU5OVwy8saCTcL1vAI

There is a wind blowing in from Iowa, and it’s going to save us all.  Smells like asswind to me, but if the DOW hits 17,000 like they suggest they need to turn their attention to a problem with global ramifications…roscoe’s attitude.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070730/od_nm/stocks1_dc_1;_ylt=AjmBUZPXC5AmeeLzH.QwWKYL1vAI

your asshole is on my facebook.  Just go read it.  sexual predators are to easy a target, and I’m not in the mood for ez.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20041040/

Well grease me up with butter and beat me with a horsewhip…a feel good news story on criminyjickets.  This one just made me smile.  No clues for you.  duh, look at the link before you go if you’re that curious.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/07/30/lawmaker.raid.ap/index.html

I bet it doesn’t pass, but here’s another honest government bill.  The only thing I don’t like is it doesn’t say the lawmakers name will be publicized with his earmark, and I think that would be a deterrant.  It does make it tougher to keep an unrelated earmark in a bill though.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,291429,00.html

You go Rosie.  I still think you’re a pig, but this was class all the way.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,291363,00.html

HoBama?  I like it.  Their little fued is going to distance them from the rest of the candidates, and just a coupleweeks after I said they would be the ticket for the dems, Newt Gingrich agreed.  We should maybe do the butter/horsewhip thing again here.

http://www.update08.foxnews.com/

ok, that doesn’t even scratch the surface, but I’m hiking slagcaster moulds up steps tomorrow, and I wish to go lie down and hate the idea of that for awhile.  I didn’t mention the depths of human depravity stories I found.  Lots of murder and death today.   lot of  dead children.  Sorta ruins the mood.

Not News….Proof

  This one proves that the FBI is not on a witch hunt for terrorists.  Anyone will do.  It doesn’t seem to matter when in history, the FBI has proven to be as unscrupulous as any federal agency ever.

this one proves that no good deed goes unpunished.  The president who helped pull south africa out of apartheid is now being victimized by rumor mongers and former apartheid officials trying to keep the noose from around their own neck.  Apparently a nobel peace prize isn’t worth much anymore.

 Remember the movie where if you watch it the phone rings and you then die within 7 days?  Well, this cat gives you roughly 4 hours.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve always thought cats were satans minions, except max, of course, and this fat little furbearing feline proves it.  I want his feet tested.  Maybe he isn’t prescient…maybe he has poison paws.

This proves that science fictions and comic books are no longer the private domain of the geeky and nerdified.  heh…sure it does.

this proves that sex, funny, and liberal are popular in the blog bowl.  (like toilet bowl….beats blogosphere wouldn’t you say?)  It also proves that If Rosie O’donnell’s haiku’s get an A rating the rest of you haiku clowns should maybe throw in the towel.  It lists a bunch of celebs and what their blogs are about, and then grades them.

this proves that diet and companionship are more relevant to longevity than stress.

   This one proves that not raising taxes and having a universal health care package are the centerpiece of the liberal candidates agenda.  Pay particular attention to how detailed Chris Dodd is in his explanation about how it will be paid for.

this proves that politicians are dumb…they worry about this, when we have problems right now need fixing

this one proves that not only do governments waste oodles of dollars, idiots that write don’t always get their facts straight.  William Proxmire was a senator from Wisconsin, dummy.

While I certainly don’t get it, this proves that holy week is more important than drinking green beer.  Catholics make no sense at all.

well, bring on the dancing bears

   I’m wandering around trying to find worthless garbage masquerading as information.  I just found this quack.  He’s trying to tell women what their husbands celebrity crushes mean.  He goes way out on a limb (sarcasm) for these babies.  I think he also whacks his baloney pony to some of these gals, highbrow Dr. type or no.

http://health.yahoo.com/experts/menlovesex/49812/what-his-celeb-crush-says-about-him

hey, gee whiz wally, people think the income gap is to wide.  No way, beav.  Eddie was just funnin yuh.  No really wally, even people making over $80,000 a year say so 2 to 1.  Wow, beav.  This is news?  I guess the interesting part is 2/3rds say the government should fix it, and 2/3rds say the government should stay out of it.  Waits 7 minutes for my readers to do the math.  I think this poll was conducted by Ron Pauls bloggers.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070706/ap_on_re_us/income_gap_poll_2;_ylt=ApS0yugPwptVfcWFE.b0jmgL1vAI

A recent study shows women use only slightly more words than men.  another battle of the sexes stereotype bites the dust, but does it really matter?  What is called an “urban legend” has women using 3 times as many words as men.  I think the new study is inaccurate, and I have almost incontrevertible evidence.  They used me in the study.  Had this not occurred the study would have found numbers in the normal range.    What I want is a study that shows who listens more.  That bad boy would provoke some controversy.  One final note on this.  I’ll believe it when misterpiece does the study and not until.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19618373/

I can always count on foxnews to blow it out of proportion.  So its Al Gore’s kids second arrest for drugs.  So he was driving 100 mph on the freeway.  Crap happens.  First, like big Al says, its a private matter.  I think in keeping with the spirit of this we should drop the conversation about drug use and politics.  i for one think a ton of peyote buds would do a world of good on capital hill.  Secondly, give me a name of someone that doesn’t drive 100 miles an hour on a southern california freeway.  I’ve never seen a pterodactyl, and I’ve never seen one of those either.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,288134,00.html

CNN, in keeping with its policy of carrying only the most important stories manages to make a pretty good case for why J.K.Rowlings may kill off harry potter.  I can see it happening.  It’s either that or continue his slow decline into metrosexuality, and what kind of a witch gets a mani/pedi and dresses fastidiously?  Actually, I’m for a gay witch trilogy to follow the currently scheduled 487 Harry Potter movies.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/books/07/05/harrypotter.mythology.ap/index.html

ok, now for some hard news.

Dick Cheney strained his lower lumbar vertebrae while trying to remove Nancy Pelosi’s front clasp bra from behind.  Dick claimed the weight was just to much for him.  In a related story, tile had to be replaced in Nancy Pelosi’s office this morning after “something heavy” fell to the floor and shattered the tile.  Her secretary was heard whispering to a janitor “I swear to god…they must be 46 longs.”

   Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh perished today in a tragic kayak accident in Northern Alaska.  The two were sponsoring a Conservative gay pride Kayak race, with money raised going to the Association to Raise Awareness Movement(ASSRAM) a conservative organization working to bring Christian Coalition members out of the closet.  The bodies were not recovered.  In a related stories (criminy news almost always has related stories) A local Inuit tribe is having a whale blubber raffle.  It’s not clear where the blubber comes from as whale hunting is out of season.

David Duke and Wolf Blitzer kissed and made up after the fiasco on CNN.  David Duke said he didn’t hate jews, and had several recipes that required them.  Wolf said he would bend over and lick David Duke between the cheeks if his bosses said so.  Basically, niether changed the position they held prior to their confrontation.

   In a shocking turn of events Ann Coulter switched her party allegiance today, and is now calling herself Queen Libby.  Apparently she has fallen stark raving bonkers for Rosie O’donnell, and can’t stop gushing as only Ann can about their impending nuptials, and their plans to have a love child.  When asked about this news, Rosie O’donnell replied “blah blah blah yakkity yakkity yakkity blah blah blah and blah.”  (not a paraphrase.)

checks the wire….yeah, there’s some other stuff, but we’ll save it for another day.  The nice thing about my news is it works anytime.

oh…the bears…some spank monkey decided that grizzly bears are to dangerous for the idiot tourists that are invading their space so they’ve started painting them fluorescent  colors…its along the russian river in alaska…look it up yourself

just news stuff….my way

so In New Hampshire, you can register to vote as an independent, but only Republicans and Democrats are allowed to run in the state primary.  44% of New Hampshire’s voters are registered independent, making them one of the most independent in the country.  Now if a third party can’t get a fair shake in New Hampshire…?

One more heave for the immigration bill.  They vote again tomorrow on exactly the same bill that was shot down a couple of weeks ago.  We the people have actually exerted enough force to scare the hell out of our representatives up for re-election.  I think this one will go in the win column for the people.  If not…may anarchy rule supreme, and may we all riot in the streets.

Ah yes more gun control.  The issue is releasing gun purchaser data.  Now interestingly enough this would be an invasion of our privacy not unlike the ones in the Patriot act.  Not many liberals are screaming about this one though.  They are the most wishy-washy bunch of turd eaters I’ve ever seen…all they want is to have it both ways.  Looks like it will be shot down….to many rural democrats elected last time that are concerned for their seats.  The democratic party isn’t all that liberal friendly anymore.

Ann Coulter and John Edwards old lady had a cat fight on MSNBC last night.  Ann coulter wishes John Edwards would be killed by terrorists (it was said in a different form, which really didn’t imply she wanted the guy killed at all, but thats the media, and bloggers like me for you…never get it quite right.  I wish Ann Coulter would make her living giving handjobs, and wish Mrs. Edwards would just come out and say if it wasn’t for Ann Coulter her jackass richboy husband couldn’t raise enough money for a cup of coffee.  Every time Ann Speaks they put it in a newsletter and on the web, and beg for funds.

Ron Paul is going to hold a soiree in the same Building as the debate he wasn’t invited to in Iowa.  On the same day.  He is a fiesty little dickens, and like his people say, he’s against raising taxes, and against abortion so its unreasonable for him not to have been invited.

the ultraliberals in charge of the Senate (in this case Patrick “I should’ve been dead 10 years ago” Leahy have subpoena’d more crap from the white house and Dick.  Seems they want to know how much infighting there was in the executive branch over the search warrant free wire tapping rules.  I say….who cares.  My phone isn’t tapped because I’m not a friggin whacko.  I think the liberals just hate the pathetic administration and will try to make a case out of any moronic issue they can.

Rosie O’donnell will be back on Nip/Tuck…good plan…a little real life nip tuck is recommended…also about 18 stitches across her mouth.

just some Ideas

1  Now that she’s free, Paris Hilton should announce on Larry King Live that she will follow in the footsteps of Mother Teresa, but with a twist.  Her mission shall be to give driving lessons to itinerant millionaires.

2.  Rosie O’donnel should sign with MSNBC.   She should host a talk show on conservative christian values that could compete with the 700 club on daytime TV.  I’ll be at work.

3.   Now that a massive forest fire is threatening the ritzy Lake Tahoe area, I think they should start talking about how forest fires are natural and healthy for the environment more.  Let this one burn for awhile.  The area has an infestation of multimillion dollar homes that need to be removed anyway.

4.  As much as I hate to agree with the militiamen…Ron Paul IS being ignored by the media.  He would get more press if he’d just listen to me and get a boobjob.

5.  Anyone notice how there have been an awful lot of riots in Europe over the last few years?  If thats what being more civilized is all about I’ll pass.  They should act more like us.

6.  In telling the tale of Roscoe’s love affair with my foot I received several anecdotes from others that lead me to believe that not only are rabbits liberals, but they are Bill Clinton liberals.

7.  Tom Cruise wants to make a movie about Adolf Hitler.  Now, considering he is a scientologist, I think he should attend the premiere.  Maybe in Jerusalem? or Tel Aviv?

8.  I think someone should slip Alli into the next congressional luncheons main course.  It may turn the Potomac orange, but I think it would be worth it when you consider all the useless crap it would purge.

author’s note:  This is a work of at best dubious humor.  I do not now, nor have I ever advocated committing felonies against the leadership of the united states.

I’ve recommended they be exiled, but that’s as far as I go.  I’m not a Ron Paul follower for gosh sakes.

9.  While I hate to pile on, Dick Cheney should get off the high horse he is on, and obey the presidential directive.  Instead he is accusing the democrats of playing politics, and they are.  Just once Dickhead, er, I mean Dickless, no thats not it either.  Uh just plain dick…just once, be the bigger buttmunch, and cave.

10.  I need Ted Kennedy to tell me what the right thing to do is?  Get outta town.  We Talking Ted, I got drunk and drove my car into the water at Chappaquiddick killing a young woman, and have never had to pay any price for this crime Ted Kennedy?  Why the hell do those Idiots in massachusetts vote for this murderer?  He is the proof beyond any other except that rascist former KKK clown Robert Byrd that our system is fatally flawed.  Both democrats.  A racist and a drunken murderer…and they call conservatives bad people.  thats nervy.

Headlines I’d like to see

Violent Lesbian Gang Attacks Rosie O’Donnell As She Cheers Them On

Ron Paul Eaten By Cannibalistic Militiamen in Wyoming, federal government says it has no jurisdiction

President of GlaxoSmithKline Defecates Himself to Death After Taking Alli

Paris Hilton Requests to Stay in Jail; Cites Privacy Issues

In The Interest Of Fairness, Congress Outlaws Heterosexual Marriage

In Exchange For 12 Million Illegal Immigrants Washington D. C. Ceded To Mexico

France Has Become….no, I can’t…to ez.

Hillary Elected President: Rest of World Dies Laughing

Intelligent Human Found Writing Blog: World Wide Web Shutdown in Alarm 

Dick Cheney Declared Big DooDoo Head By Congressional Leader Nancy Pelosi; in related story, bra strap breaks and kills three