the ten commandments criminized

August 6, 2007

It never ceases to amaze me how few people know what the ten commandments are, and when they do know so little about what they mean.  I thought I’d try to help clarify things a bit. 


Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

this one is easy.  I’m god.  Get over it.  Should you choose some other god i will smite you with all kinds of noxious things, and you will not like it.  If you worship booze, hangovers; sex…STD’s.  Politics…lower IQ.

Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And showing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

Yep. still god talking, but it sure sounded like something Dick Cheney might say.  This one appears to be an early effort to destabilize the jewelry and statue industry, and was probably used against kodak in its early years.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain: for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.

God damn it.  I knew their would be one of them I coudn’t figure out.

Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labor, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.

I’m a staunch advocate of this one.  Take a day off.  In fact, since god is omnipotent, and thereby held to a higher standard, I think we should toss in friday and saturday here. 

Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.

This one probably wasn’t thought out real well.  What if daddy touches your peepee, or mommy makes you watch while she services the gardener.  I’m just saying.  There oughtta be a little wiggle room here.

Thou shalt not kill.

This one might hurt a bit.  I have it on good authority that this tablet was chipped, and the missing portion said “my son or you will all burn in hell.”  Let’s face it, no way he meant not kill anyone.  Some people just simply need killin.

Thou shalt not commit adultery.

This one is a joke right?  What if she’s like super hot and comes over naked and starts bathing your feet in olive oil?  Even god could understand how things could get out of hand.  Was he drunk?  Did this really make the top ten?

Thou shalt not steal.

What’s with the brevity?  Not only is god omnipotent, but he is a nonman of few words.   Does this mean if I test the grapes in the produce department I’m going to hell?  These things really do leave more questions than they answer.  What if I steal you know who’s diet coke in an effort to save her from a painful and degenerative death by weight loss?

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

Whew…this one is pretty simple. Don’t lie about the heathen asswits living next door.  I don’t have to.  the truth is way better than anything i could cook up.  Remind me to tell you the one about the guy next door when he barged into my living room and demanded money for crack.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s.

Again a self explanatory one.  Don’t want what your neighbor has.  I’m ok with all of it, but I wonder if coveting his wife’s ass is covered by the terms wife and ass?

there…you can also find an explanation of these bad boys in exodus and deuteronomy, but they’re kind of convoluted and my rendition is just as accurate.  Would I lie?