random thoughts # I forget

1.  It is easier to make a case for post birth abortion.

2.  I knew a kid that had sex with a pony when I was growing up.  He wasn’t real popular, but I’m not sure how the horses felt about him.

3.    When football season starts this blogging on sunday shit is over.

4.   I like greg the robber better than jerry the killer, but haven’t spoken to either in years.

5.    It only seems like I don’t care about anything.  It’s just that I care about so many things I can only care about each a little.

6.  Yeah, i like that one.

7.  I went to the love tag again.  When I need amusement I always end up there.  I have a tip for them.  If you REALLY love someone, you don’t stop.  It sucks, but there it is. 

8.  If you filled Yankee stadium, and then took an ax, a bat, a gun, a knife, a plastic baggie or a stale cheeto to each and every one of them rendering them into nothing more than organic matter; it would be equivalent to the number of people that will be murdered in America this year. (approx.)

9.  ex’s are like this really bad dream with creepy music and dour looking spinsters wearing long  sleeved dresses with cameo clasps occassionally stopping as they wander the incredibly white halls of the sanitarium to scream filth laced obscenities at invisible demons.

10.  Well, mine are.  Kind of.  they never shutup and they won’t go completely away, and its just creepy.  Ok, I’m done with that, but my head won’t stop moving side to side with my lips etching an overdone grimace across my visage.

11.  If your children tell you they hate you they mean it.  This is good.  You are doing your job, and with any luck they will keep hating you, and move away so you can move somewhere fun like Maui.

12.  Civility is not dead.  It is however undergoing defibrillation and has been treated for shock.

13.  Ron Paul is the new Charlie Waddell who once explained libertarianism as  “people who want government to ruin your life, but not theirs.”  May he rest in pieces.  Charlie had an unfortunate accident while working on a saw mill in South Dakota.

14.  For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I’m glad I’m not in Jamaica.

15.  Artificial life is likely just over the horizon.  I think if they have intellect they will find a way to kill us all…and I can’t say as I blame them.

16.  The fed has sent relief to Texas in hopes of getting a jump on Dean.  If it misses they’ll be blamed for wasting money.

thats it for this.  Have good weeks, be kind to your fellow homo sapiens, and if you can’t do that at least amuse yourself while tormenting them.

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Take 2 Minutes To See How Wrong You Are

  Yes, you the incredibly bright American people are wrong.   All of you anti-war types, and bring home the war types have no idea what you are talking about.  You think the administration is stupid for walking into this mess without a plan.  I say, “yeah right”

They had a plan, because they knew exactly what we were facing, and what the outcome would be if we took down Saddam Hussein.  They knew we’d be in it up to our ears for years, and would be virtually alone in the endeavor.  they knew every pitfall and pratfall on the road to a democratic Iraq, and Dick Cheney at least has known since 1994.

So why really, if what he says here he knew all this time, did he recommend the current course of action?  What possible reason could there be for him to advocate opening the Pandora’s box that is Iraq?  Don’t say oil or money.  He needs neither, and they don’t make sense.  Thats just easy leftie answers.

Sunday is for random thoughts #10

1. Someone once said that integrity is what you do when no one else is looking.  What in the hell does masturbating have to do with integrity?

2.  I am not anti-religion.  I am anti-stupid.  It is unfortunate, but not of my doing,  that the two look so much alike.

3.  If neither a borrower nor a lender be had been adhered to, we wouldn’t be facing a recession, and so many of you wouldn’t be losing your homes.  Pardon me while I chuckle.

4.  Based on news reports the thing average Americans do best is kill other average Americans.

5.  I love good poetry.  I think most poets should be beaten viciously and regularly to dissuade them from the art.

6.  Rudyard Kipling did more to bring about the end of the British Empire than anyone save Mahatma Gandhi.

7.  The far right advocates a social structure that almost exactly mirrors that envisioned by the Koran.

8.  The far left advocates a social structure that almost exactly mirrors Fast Times At Ridgemont High.

9.  The centrist advocate a social structure that …well, I don’t know.  they’re too chickenshit to forward an agenda.

10.  I advocate disorderly conduct in almost all social situations.  I’m also good with temperate use of almost all drugs and alcohol.  Reality should be rationed(smirk) and overuse should be severely punished.

11.  I used to believe that most people were just stupid, and that it was ok, as long as I didn’t have to listen to them.  All blogging has accomplished is to provide empirical evidence supporting my assertions.

12.   no chain is so easy to jerk as that of a zealot.

13.    I gave up booze, drugs, and a life of crime for my children.  You’d think they could moderate their taste in shoes.

14.  Not only is Barack black enough, he is ignorant enough, duplicitous enough, and egotistical enough to become George Bush….er…president.

15.   Without a ballot being cast the Ron Paul faithful cried foul in court.  I hope he does really well, and they feel really stupid.

oh, quit sucking up

  I made the mistake of hitting the love tag.  Yeah, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking either.  I thought maybe a good article on tennis or some such.  What I got was an article about the beauty of women…well…i think that’s what it was about.  Aw hell, no I don’t.  This geek was trying to get chicksies to pay attention to him.  It worked to.  I now know exactly which line of bullshit to present when I wish to fake the babes out of their knickers.

Enough about asswind.  I’ve found through trial and error…and error…and error…that the only way I can deal with the female of the species is to treat them like anyone else.  Sure, they have breasts, but if you take away that one overriding and significant benefit they aren’t much different than any other human.   Don’t get me wrong.  Romance and all the fluffy shit that goes with it is alright, but you should never underestimate them.  i have some simple rules to live by when it comes to women.

1.  Get it yourself.  For whatever reason they assume that being your servant isn’t what they signed on for, and that gooey thing you just swallowed with your first sip of that beer could be anything.

2.  Don’t mistake kindness for weakness.  In fact, if you are getting kindness, and the situation does not merit it, find an exit, and evacuate as quickly as humanly possible.

3.  Never go to sleep before a mad woman.  I could regale you with oodles of good stories on how I came to live by this rule, but I’m going to let John Wayne Bobbitt do a guest blog to explain it.

4.  Don’t touch their diet coke…ever…i mean…EVER.  I don’t know.  I have it on good authority that it’s a no no.

5.  Expect the unexpected.  If their is one thing that you can be sure of it’s that your dumbass has no idea what she is thinking until she tells you.  Never say “what are you thinking.”  You will either be told if she wanted you to know she would be talking, or you will spend the next several hours wishing you had heeded my advice.

6.   Never talk about the relationship.  Take that in.  Ruminate on it.  now take several deep breaths, and take it in again.  This one is incredibly important.  Talking about your relationship is the death knell of it.  Fine, think you’re one of them enlightened guys like numbnuts I just read.  What you know about your relationship with her is as a tea cup next to an ocean by comparison to what she knows about her relationship with you. 

7. Allow her to pass through the kitchen, but otherwise make that your space.  If you do not you will end up eating all kinds of shit she found in a recipe book, and its bad for you.  Food is meant to be tossed together, spiced all to hell, and eaten.  If your plate has more than four colors on it you let her in the kitchen.

8.  Never ask her if it was good for her.  You might just have an honest woman laying there, and the answer could trouble you for years.  In this one instance, be introspective.  Figure out if it was good for you as you drift off to sleep.  No Talking.  It only leads to bad things.

9.  She is tougher, meaner, and smarter.  I don’t know why.  You’ve been reading this, you think I suddenly became Dr. Ruth since number 8?  All I know is that in matters of your relationship she is, and you might as well accept it.  Go golfing.  Arm wrestle over beers at O’malley’s.  I know your ego just took a hit but you’ll survive it.  Underestimate her once and your friends will be luaghing at you or pitying you for months.

10.  Don’t listen to me.  I don’t.  I can fuck up a relationship just by showing up.  Still, all ten of these will keep you from ending up like shit for brains.

Sunday is for random thoughts #9

It’s sunday again.   Time for more random thoughts from the thoughtless.  If you are easily offended hit the out button.  My blog has been caterized, and I’m decidedly cranky.

1.  our schools are in disarray, our infrastructure is crumbling,  and we have over 500 varieties of beer to choose from.  I don’t see a problem here.

2.  I feel that tarring and feathering should be part of the criminal code, and this is when it should be used.

3.   Roscoe chewed through the wires on my cable box.  This was either a suicide attempt or a murder attempt.  Either way it was poorly executed, since we are both still alive.

4.  I would like a bagel with everything so i can go put it under the tire of my car and run over it.  It’s like hanging someone in effigy.  It packs no punch, but you get to feel like an idiot.

5.  If whites and blacks can’t agree that dogfighting is bad, what hope have we of agreeing on anything?  I think blacks only find dogfighting to be ok when its a famous black person.  Kind of like the whole O.J. and murder thing.   It kind of bothers me that this has been made racial.

6.  Give me a hammer, a paring knife, a roll of duct tape, and a fifth of anything with a spanish sounding name, and I’ll make McGuyver look dull normal.

7.  I’m not pleased with the way random thoughts is going today, but at least my Tourettes Syndrome appears to be in remission.

8.  19 million people in Bangladesh and India think Al Gore is a dumbass, and I’m smart as hell…more global wetting issues.

9.   sex is overrated and underutilized.

10.  that being said, you may disrobe now.

11.  While it may seem cute, buying your newborn a shirt that says “now that I’m safe I’m pro-choice” is a fashion no-no.

12.  I’m to sexy…well, I’m not but this is:

my son taught me how to do that.  It has come to my attention that being blog illiterate is not safe.  If only for self defense I need to know how to do more than just type blithering idiocy.  That clip was bastardized from the world of warcraft.  All I can say is that is not a proper form of birth control, but probably works in the abstinence category.  I’ll credit this later…he didn’t get me the URL.

13.   Locking your pets out of your room almost gaurantees a decent 3 hours of sleep.  At which time they will decide they miss you and start fighting like children.  I’m not sure why one of them isn’t already dead.  Dog? Rabbit?  I want some gotdam blood.

14.  Dale Jr. won the pole at pocono, Wisconsin is ranked 7th in the preseason poll, some steroid infused monstrosity hit his 755th home ron, and A-rod got to 500 faster than anyone ever has.  Oh, yeah, some hockey for Janie. Edmonton is going to pay Dustin Penner 21.25 million over 5 years.  Dustin is a 29 goal scorer.  call it 30 and 21 million for argument.  Thats $140,000 per goal.  10 dollar hookers definitely got into the wrong line of work.   

15.  Blogs I read everyday at least once are listed in the blogroll.  The one blog I refuse to miss on sunday, is Anita’s.  She prays.

16.  I’d send y’all over to Ration Reality, but on sunday mornings they read chicken bones, beat up small fur bearing creatures with tire irons, and sacrifice virgins to Loki.

ok, thats enough of this.  Hope your weeks went well, and if they didn’t their will be better times than these.

  

defending the indefensible #1

   I was thinking today how often we just attack those that we don’t care for, and then ignore them altogether when we tire of it..  We seldom take the time to see things from their perspective, or try to understand what it is that makes them so repugnant to us.  Today I thought I’d give it a shot.  Defending them I mean.  I’m not that much into attacking people.  Lets start with a toughie

George Bush –   Can you imagine growing up the son of a famous and powerful right wing conservative in the state of Texas?  Can you even begin to contemplate the extra level of hell that would add to being a teenager?  Especially in Texas.  All the funner parts of being a teen in Texas would be off limits.  No ungulate sex, no target practice on the Rio Grande, no brokeback mountain moments at summer camp?  Poor kid would’ve been better off in Arkansas, where at least the animal sex isn’t frowned upon.  

George also had to live with the perpetual realization that mom and dad really did like Jeb better.  C’mon, you got one kid that passes for retarded in social settings, is wrong most of the time and never admits(or realizes it), and walks around with a “dummer’n a stump but I can out smirk you” look on his face: and then you have a kid who is bright, articulate, charismatic, and reasonable.  Which do you like better? Yeah, whatever…tell yourself that.

   Is it really so hard to understand that a George just starting to find acceptance in a world full of  Visigoths and Stoners(yeah, Yale…what did you think I was talking about?), would leap at the chance to join an all male secret society?  Thats like being invited to play in the treehouse when you’re an outcast kid.  Of course he joined, and wore his underwear backwards for easy access just like the rule book says.  George was metastisizing from “Thats George we don’t really like him”  To “That’s George, we don’t like him at all, but we can maybe use him in the future.”  Being used is better than no acceptance at all so George was happy to take a seat on the bench where the smart boys played.

    It served him well to later on, but not before a nice long haitus into the world of sowing his wild oats.  Hell, who wouldn’t.  You get tired of being in the shadow I would suppose, and George decided a little hard drinking, whoring, and an occassional coke  binge would help level him mentally.  Now I ask, in all seriousness, who hasn’t felt the need to do this once or twice in  a lifetime?  I know the everybody else does it excuse is weak, but everybody else uses it, and if everybody else uses it then, it’s ok by George.

   So George meets god, finds girl, and becomes preesident.  Almost as simple as that.  A couple of stints as a wildly popular and successful governor of the great northern territory of Mexico (Texas) and it was off to the White House.  Dick Cheney and Karl Rove as caretakers have been in attendance ever since, and poor old George isn’t even allowed to touch the Porridge if it is to hot.

     Here’s the thing.  Other than a rich daddy this guy was an average  no plans for the future, waste of life thirty year old guy.   And in the span of 25 years he became the President of the United States.  Without any particularly amazing skills as a diplomat, no overamped intellect, no credible history of leadership ability.  He was Re-elected as a governor, he was re-elected as the president, and he has, for better or worse, controlled the agenda for almost a decade in american politics.

   I know that the man has a lot of smart people around him making him what he is, for better or worse.  He still is the one who is in the bullseye, and has handled it quite effectively (this does not imply that I feel he did so successfully, just effectively) for going on two decades in the Texas State house and the White House.  He has done so in the face of a withering storm of livid commentary, with a level of aplomb that is kind of admirable.   He has suffered some of the lowest levels of popularity in presidential history, and still has outscored the congress over the same time period.

   He does it because he believes exactly what he is saying, or being told to say.  He doesn’t doubt that his chosen course in regards to the middle east is the right thing to be doing.  I and a lot of folks disagree, but he hasn’t equivocated in his desire or his efforts to forward his agenda.  His administration has altered (again, for better or worse) the course of American politics.  They have changed the way seperation of powers work, and in fact several articles of the constitution.  His war on terror has forever altered the landscape of American life, and our position in the global world.  May god have mercy on his soul.

Point being, if he’s such a pathetic cretin, what’s your story?  What have you done since you were thirty?

I was going to write something

    but decided against it.  Instead, Mollie and I enjoyed a baconnator and fries and a quiet evening of talking shit in the driveway with the neighbor and his extensive circle of ne’er-do-wells.  The precocious little nitwit at Wendy’s couldn’t quite comprehend that a #4 was in fact a baconnator, and I was therefore forced to call the god of all cholesterol bombs by its full name.   I don’t know if you’ve ever had the pleasure, but a baconnator is available at all your local Wendy’s fast food locations, and includes 2 slices of cheese, two 1/4 pound beef patties, and 6 strips of bacon slathered all over with mayo, and lodged between two slabs of bread that they cleverly call a bun.  Just one of these monuments to dietary suicide can easily double your cholesterol count.  Mine hovers in the low 4 digits so I’m not particularly worried about it, and damn was it good.   I washed it down with a quart of dead animal fat, and am feeling much better now thank you.

   Rebuild hell is almost over.  Tomorrow we will place the molds back in the slagcaster chain.  I have learned much to my chagrin that my young protege is my perfect cliche young American, meaning he borders on worthless when you ask him to do anything that involves physical labor.  On the bright side, while he doesn’t get a lot done he is amusing as hell to watch, which helps speed the day along.  Yesterday about 9 a.m. I explained the proper use of a hammer to him, and god bless his soul he ignored me until I gave him the class again about 2 p. m. after he was thoroughly worn out, and everyone in the shop had wandered by and asked me why exactly I hadn’t taught him not to swing a hammer like that.  The beauty of our mentoring program is that no one else interferes in it, instead they go to the mentor for all things dealing with the mentee? mental?  The new stupid person? yeah, that works.  Because of this, rather than repeating myself or having someone interfere, I was allowed to spend roughly 5 hours watching him ignore my well intended and somewhat sage advice.

    I’m not as evil as that may have sounded.  I did the hard part so he wouldn’t have too, and when advice is ignored its best to just watch and see how that works out.  In our case it resulted in him having the arm strength of a 5 year old girl half through the day.  When I regave my “how to work a tool with no moving parts” class at 2 p.m., he was  more receptive to my advice, and managed to make it until 4 pm.  At that time he had achieved that near nirvana state of total worthlessness, and was allowed to leave.  I did both of our jobs the last 4 hours of the day. 

   His father was one of the driveway reprobates this evening and I had the opportunity to ask him how the damn kid got to 20 without learning to use a hammer.  His dad is a tough old bastard, and was delighted by the tale I told.  His only response was if I had managed to teach him anything I was a better teacher than he.  The kids alright, and I’m afraid tomorrow might kill him.

     I generally don’t attend the driveway fests, but when I do go they are always informative.  Tonights discussion covered everything from how big a flathead catfish has to be for you to get both your hands into its mouth (45 pounds), which pain killers are the most effective (hydrocodone was the drug of choice, with a smattering of support for oxycontin), and the best way to fool a DOT drug test(that should build your confidence as that semi goes smoking past you during tomorrows rush hour), what to do if you’re carjacked (our august panel of heathens have decided that lodging your handgun under the chin and pulling the trigger is more effective than just letting them have your car), the Harlan County war (they hail from hazzard county Kentucky), and local matters of politics that included a rope, a pickup, and a lot of beer.

   The guy who advocated putting a bullet through the head of a carjacker did 6 years for doing a density test on a thugs skull with a .40 calibre, and the lady that does drug testing for the DOT was very informative.  Lynching the mayor was discussed, but I think it was all hot air.  We’ll see.  If he gets hung I know who did it.  If you ever catch a catfish big enough to stick both your hands in its mouth I recommend not eating it, and the harlan county war wasn’t much like the movie.  They downplayed the hell out of the violence if the old feller I talked to is to be believed.  I didn’t argue with him.  He run about 6’5″ and weighed about 350.  He was damn near big enough to make me lay off the Kentucky jokes for the evening, but I did tell my buddy who is going to his family reunion in Hazzard next week to try and score him a wife.

you folks have a good night.