Things I know nothing about

June 19, 2007

     I know.   You’re thinking I could just type the word everything, and it would be hard to dispute.  This may be true, but in keeping with my policy of trying to never make any real contribution to the human race, I think it best if I elaborate a little.  It will take more time, and will therefore ensure that I accomplish nothing worthwhile for a longer period of time.

women:  surprised?  I don’t know anything about them because I make no effort to distinguish between genders when it comes to how I view my fellow man.  I’ve heard all the reports about how womens brains work differently, and I confess I find that fasscinating.  Not fascinating enough to put down my Pabst or my crossword puzzle, but fascinating.  As far as opinion goes, and I don’t claim this to be knowledge, I find them to spend entirely to much time thinking with their vaginas, always needing help carrying heavy things, and all around poor conversationalists unless you talk about what they wish to talk about.  They are also fun to look at, and from what I hear are necessary for the procreation of the specoes.  Hopefully science can make that last one untrue in the near future.

wine:  Ah yes, the fruit of the grape.  Who cares.   Overrated.  When I want a drink I don’t wish to “let it breathe”.  I also prefer that it not taste like a herd of wildebeests just urinated in my mouth.  Thousands to choose from, made all over the globe, and still not one that can replace a decent rum and coke.  Of course, it does give the obnoxiously narcissistic something to lord over the waiter, so its not a totally worthless product.

cigars: legend has it that the reason cigars from cuba are better is because they are rolled between the thighs of virgins.  No kiddin?  So rolling something between the thighs of a virgin upgrade it from “noxious” to “holy shit that thing stinks?” Nice upgrade.  I’m not anti-smoking so this isn’t some prima donna rant, but who  in their right mind would put anything that smells like that in their mouth?  Cigar smokers are quite possibly also the people sneaking around eating the dog shit left in my yard by the mooch.

Children:  I’ve raised three now, not all the way to the age of maturity, but damn close, and i still can’t figure em out.  What do they need all that money for?  When I was their age it was for dope and pussy, but they don’t come home high, (trust me, I’d know).  Which makes me fear for the virgin status of every girl between 12 and 20 living within a 10 mile radius.  Lord knows they spend enough to have accomplished a genghis kahn style pillaging of the entire city.  Do kids really think shoes make them cool? And tell me, how do you run from the cops with your britches cinched around mid-thigh?  The daughter is even harder to figure out, and keeps me so flabbergasted I can’t even speak on it.

I was gonna add love to this list, but I know all I need to know about that.  If a person has to change, then I don’t love them.  If I have to change…then they can kiss my rosie red sphincter.