oh, quit sucking up

  I made the mistake of hitting the love tag.  Yeah, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking either.  I thought maybe a good article on tennis or some such.  What I got was an article about the beauty of women…well…i think that’s what it was about.  Aw hell, no I don’t.  This geek was trying to get chicksies to pay attention to him.  It worked to.  I now know exactly which line of bullshit to present when I wish to fake the babes out of their knickers.

Enough about asswind.  I’ve found through trial and error…and error…and error…that the only way I can deal with the female of the species is to treat them like anyone else.  Sure, they have breasts, but if you take away that one overriding and significant benefit they aren’t much different than any other human.   Don’t get me wrong.  Romance and all the fluffy shit that goes with it is alright, but you should never underestimate them.  i have some simple rules to live by when it comes to women.

1.  Get it yourself.  For whatever reason they assume that being your servant isn’t what they signed on for, and that gooey thing you just swallowed with your first sip of that beer could be anything.

2.  Don’t mistake kindness for weakness.  In fact, if you are getting kindness, and the situation does not merit it, find an exit, and evacuate as quickly as humanly possible.

3.  Never go to sleep before a mad woman.  I could regale you with oodles of good stories on how I came to live by this rule, but I’m going to let John Wayne Bobbitt do a guest blog to explain it.

4.  Don’t touch their diet coke…ever…i mean…EVER.  I don’t know.  I have it on good authority that it’s a no no.

5.  Expect the unexpected.  If their is one thing that you can be sure of it’s that your dumbass has no idea what she is thinking until she tells you.  Never say “what are you thinking.”  You will either be told if she wanted you to know she would be talking, or you will spend the next several hours wishing you had heeded my advice.

6.   Never talk about the relationship.  Take that in.  Ruminate on it.  now take several deep breaths, and take it in again.  This one is incredibly important.  Talking about your relationship is the death knell of it.  Fine, think you’re one of them enlightened guys like numbnuts I just read.  What you know about your relationship with her is as a tea cup next to an ocean by comparison to what she knows about her relationship with you. 

7. Allow her to pass through the kitchen, but otherwise make that your space.  If you do not you will end up eating all kinds of shit she found in a recipe book, and its bad for you.  Food is meant to be tossed together, spiced all to hell, and eaten.  If your plate has more than four colors on it you let her in the kitchen.

8.  Never ask her if it was good for her.  You might just have an honest woman laying there, and the answer could trouble you for years.  In this one instance, be introspective.  Figure out if it was good for you as you drift off to sleep.  No Talking.  It only leads to bad things.

9.  She is tougher, meaner, and smarter.  I don’t know why.  You’ve been reading this, you think I suddenly became Dr. Ruth since number 8?  All I know is that in matters of your relationship she is, and you might as well accept it.  Go golfing.  Arm wrestle over beers at O’malley’s.  I know your ego just took a hit but you’ll survive it.  Underestimate her once and your friends will be luaghing at you or pitying you for months.

10.  Don’t listen to me.  I don’t.  I can fuck up a relationship just by showing up.  Still, all ten of these will keep you from ending up like shit for brains.

relationship advice

  I seldom give this because when it comes to relationships I’m your basic dumbass, and don’t really try to change that.  Being me is not bad, and i don’t see changing me within the next several thousand years.  Still, even the terminally stupid, inconsiderate, myopic, intransigent, and just plain foolhardy can impart some wisdom on almost any issue,  I’ve decided to prove it.  You might want to strap yourself in.  This is going to be so profound.

1.  Live at seperate addresses.  This alleviates a ton of problems.  If god had meant for man and woman to live together he would have never given women free will.  (see, I told you to strap yourself in.  Had you heeded my advice you wouldn’t be online choking the shit out of me right now.

2.  Don’t share the bathroom space, unless your one of those wierdos who likes incredibly uncomfortable and plausibly dangerous shower sex.  I have good balance, but sex is a physical activity, and showers are slippery as hell when they’re wet.  The reason for not sharing this space is simple.  It is the only privacy you have.  You have already abbrogated your right to privacy by ignoring advice #1.  Adults in a relationship who share the bathroom always split up. Always.  If you haven’t yet, you will.

3. lie.  Lie a lot. lie constantly and vociferously.  Lie about everything.  Lie about your age just for practice.  The one thing that I am absolutely positively sure of is that my mate has no desire to know the truth.   At least none so far.Lying is a practical necessity in relationships because for whatever reason, when you get in a relationship you ask really dumb questions that you don’t wish to know the answer to.  I had a full grown woman ask me one time how many people I had slept with.  I lied.  Not because I feared her reaction, but whatever I said honestly would have been wrong, and would’ve led to the follow on question How many animals, and I really didn’t want it being asked.   If this question is asked of you gentlemen, lie.  Tell them you are a virgin.  Then make them prove otherwise.  Another great one is “does this make my ass look fat?”  they only ask if they a. think it does, or b. know it does.  On this one you may as well just be honest, because if you lie they call you on it, and hate you for the rest of the day because you were going to let them go out in public looking fat.  My favorite response to this question has always been “yes, but so does everything else so just wear the damn thing.”  No matter what you are going to do this answer gaurantees tranquility on the ride there. which leads us to…

4.  The silent treatment.  I know all you guys already know this, but pretend to hate the fact that they are not nagging the living shit out of you.  I don’t know why when women get really mad some synapse in their cerebral cortex tells them that we would feel worse if they don’t scream at us, harangue us, terrorize us verbally.  The silent treatment is by far my favorite “you are a total asshole ” punishment.  It’s even better than “I’m going out” because the only reason they are going out is to meet up with their girlfriends and hold a symposium on the best way to make you miserable when they come home.

5. ok, time for a serious one. When you argue don’t bring up the past.  Everybody does this, and I just saved you a shitload of money on marriage counselling if you remember this one thing.  And the living at seperate addresses one, and…forget it…just don’t bring up the past.  The reason for this is simple.  If YOU bring up the past the other party in the aforementioned argument will feel it is their constitutional right, and god given duty to blame you for everything that has happened on the planet since the rapture.  It has been my fault that man evolved from apes, that cook county illinois politics is corrupt, that woodrow wilson was elected president, and that nagasaki and hiroshima were turned a sickly shade of gray.  I also singlehandedly have destroyed the institution of marriage, made anyone who invested in Rum stocks rich beyond belief, and created a need for a humane society.  When it comes to arguing I tend to get smoked because I get this incredulous look on my face, and can’t control my laughter.

 6. understand that relationships are not fair.  They were never meant to be.  As a blogger I know once put it “i’m the girl.” nuff said, but I’ll say some more anyway, because thats kinda how I roll as my kids would say.  If you need proof, here it is.

the only thing women need to learn to survive in a relationship is “the look.”  Their mothers teach them this before they are 2, and every man on the planet knows the look I’m talking about.  It has no variations, and no substitutes.  On the other hand, men need to learn a myriad of things.  Scheduling (to you young guys, be wrong by a day on this one and you will quickly learn that PMS means Perpetually Maniacal Spazz), psychology (how long can I lay here before she finally blows her grape and kills me for not mowing the lawn), and asskissing 101 to name just a few.  Asskissing is an artform. Take the phrase “you’re right, I’m wrong, I love you.”  It’s wonderful asskissing, but not if you’re smirking.  Do not use “yes dear, no dear, whatever you say dear” if you are in a position where she can either see your eyes rolling, or you making that stroking gesture with your hand.

  I have about a million more, but the reality is my blog is unlikely to survive that 7.   The only real relationship advice is when you argue, and you will, keep it on point.  This will keep you from saying something unforgiveable.  oh, one more,  “go get me a towel” is not post coital conversation, and kicking the cat off the bed is not foreplay..oh, and another….nah…i’m kiddin…

 now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go contemplate how it is that I’m single

Moving…out, up, and undecided

      Of all the nerve.  Several years ago a friend of mine, almost certainly in jest, called me misogynistic.  One of the few times in my life that I didn’t bother to look it up.  I should have.  I just did, and almost pissed my pants.   The reason I didn’t was because it was an online friend, and she had issues to numerous to count in the men department.  To be honest, I figured it was probably a synonym for narcississtic which I’m not either so I let it roll on by.  We continued to have many humerous conversations, and until I withdrew from the online world we remained moderately good friends.

    I’m not sure why I confessed to ignorance and apathy there, but maybe just to make the point that I’m niether.  Although misogyny would be a good one to be if you had the time to be hostile and hateful a lot.  Narcissism on the other hand would be boring from hell.  Maybe not for you, but I generally treat me like I treat everyone else that I’m not openly disdainful of…with barely concealed tolerance.

   The really funny thing is that I tend to like almost everyone I meet.  as long as they have no affect on my existence, why not?   It’s when it gets deeper than that my issues tend to spring forth like a late blooming flower, all colorful rhetoric, with maladroit social graces as garnishment. 

    I guess what brought this on is I’m about to make a move.  Homewise this time.  One of many moves made this year.  For better or worse, my sedentary approach to my existence is in the middle of cataclysmic upheaval.  Faced with this, and being a firm believer in the old saw “in for a penny…in for a pound.” I’ve decided a change of scenery of the domicile variety is in order.  The kids are all for it as this place is cramped from hell, and with the ongoing alcoholism issues the other parental unit is currently experiencing they spend most of their time here.  I fear if more space is not forthcoming fratricide will be.

     I made this decision like I make most.  I saw it, I did it, nobody to consult.  I like that.  It makes things simple.  I am in one of my nearly perpetual sabbaticals from decent relationship living, and it removes all the comprehensive consultation and compromise that is required.   The last one ended like all of them.  It was wonderful, it was horrible, and it became intolerable.  Funny how love or the belief of love can do that.  After oodles of soul searching, I chalked it up as all my fault and went to breakfast.  That sounds a little snide, but it’s quite possibly as close to the truth as I’ll ever get on the matter, so its a good place to bury the body.  I could dig deeper and try to decipher the myriad of mistakes that created the death of it, but why put myself through that?  When it’s time to move you pack your shit and you move.  When its time to get over it you pack your emotional garbage, take a couple years off and deal with the abject misery of making all of your own decisions for awhile.  Darn, sounds horrid doesn’t it?

    I’m not sure how I got from misogyny to here, but I’d probably characterize myself as stubborn, selfish, and independent.  If that be misogyny then the dictionary has it all wrong.   For those of you not wishing to scamper to a dictionary, and being as dense as I am…it means being hostile or hateful toward women.  I’m hateful and hostile towward the bulk of society, and am disqualified as a result from taking part.  Damn the luck.

why do i do it?

   I don’t usually do these.  Straightforward speak isn’t a gift of mine.  i have 72,356 defense mechanisms that generally keep me from being figured out by anyone.  Except I suppose my children, because what the hell, someone always knows you.  Which isn’t the concern particularly.  what everyone should be concerned about is knowing themselves.  Unfortunately, thats not always the easiest thing in the world.

   Who are you? No, really.  Tell the truth now.  You are a product of your experiences, your intellect, and your emotions.  I’m sure there are more, but being as were all animals its probably best to keep it simple.  How you behave is on a very basic level your reaction to the combination of those three things.    Ergo, how you interact with the rest of the creatures on this planet tells a lot about you.  Bored yet?  I know, My sigmundcricket routine needs work.  thats what this is…practice makes perfect.  Lets work our way through a few practice exercises and see what falls out of your tree.  If nothing does that says nothing except that jiminy isn’t real good at pushing peoples buttons.  Apathy is a harsh mistress.

   How are your relationships with others?  Not how you see them.  How did they see you.? What are you doing?  How they saw you is irrelevant.  They looked at you through the prism of their own little troika.  See, you already messed up if you tried to look at it through their eyes.  Sorry, just funning with you.  True though.  the only way to know yourself is to take all the little skeletons out of the closet and let your mind perambulate through the bones for awhile. Go ahead.  Even if you’re a supreme whackjob you’ll be able to look in the mirror when you’re done.  Supreme whackjobs are unaware what they do is wrong.

   I personally am not so hot at relationships.  this isn’t a point of pride with me, but rather an obvious shortcoming.  I’ve been involved with what I think are wonderful women, and I somehow manage to bring out the worst in them.  I hear  “it’s not what you do, it’s what you don’t do” so many times I’ve developed a form of paralysis that makes me do less.  Not maybe the best way to handle a situation, but if you’re not pleasing your mate then you either get the hell out or change.

   Change is that jingly shit in your pocket.  I have a very limited ability to understand it as anything else.  You can either fight who you are, or you can roll over on your back and drift with the current.  This isn’t to say I’ve never made an effort to change.  It just never takes.  Mulishness leads me to believe that though I have several hundred thousand flaws, they are mine and I enjoy them, and I am keeping them.

We’re not here to talk about me though.  What is it that makes a person leap to the defense of someone they don’t know at the merest hint of a slight? What does that tell you?  I don’t know, I’m asking.  It tells me that they have a bit of a problem with insecurity, and are therefore uncommonly overprotective.  It probably tells you something else.  We don’t have common experiences is my point.  We can both go through exactly the same thing, and see the entire situation differently.  Other experiences we have cause this divergence in observation.  i know, you’re thinking this is way elementary to you.  It may well be.  Your exalted intellect has now taken the baton from your experiences, and is willing to carry the load for awhile.

   Intellect is a funny thing.  When looking at yourself it’s more important to understand what you don’t know than what you do.   There are no omnipotent intellects, and yes, that includes yours.  Ok, I’ll grudgingly add mine, but I do mean grudgingly. I know some incredibly intelligent people. Dumber than stumps.  Can’tt wipe their butt if you don’t have directions next to the toilet paper dispenser.  It’s because  they have managed through education and study to amass a burgeoning cesspool of knowledge, yet managed to cocoon themselves within their specific fields of study and failed to experience life outside that bubble.   Having a sound intellect without experience is what leads to…well, for lack of a better term….blogging.  That was just a cruel and unnecessary shot, and I apologize.  I’m sure you know what I mean here.  Without experience intellect isn’t exactly filet mignon.

   Halt you heathen bastard, I shall take no more of your troglodytic slander.  See, right there your emotion took over.  I could rattle on for hours about this one.  I could attempt to inveigle you to my way of thinking, and if I knew the right buttons to push based on your intellect and experience probably succeed.  Unfortunately, my emotions don’t allow me to get real persistent.  I’m not exactly warm and fuzzy, and I’ m not cold and heartless.  My experience and intellect have created a mixture of cynicism and naivete, and you should try lugging that cross up Golgotha.

    Ok, so none of that means anything boys and girls.  we know this because I said it.  It’s just worthless junk tossed on the trash heap of your experience.  Yep, you just experienced 7 minutes of Criminy Freud, and still don’t know yourself any better than you did when we started.  You might know me a little better, but that and $43.00 will barely get you a tripple cappucina mocha souffle at starbucks.  BTW, I know nothing about coffee.

   did I mention love?  No?  go figure.

A Love(lust) Story

   I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something tense going on last night.   Like something was about to happen, and how I handled it would be a watershed moment in a new relationship. Even mollie could tell something was strange, based on the nervous way she was wandering about the house.  I could not get her to calm down, and everytime someone came to the door she would bark.  Mollie almost never barks when I’m home, so it was giving me a little case of the nerves.

    I decided to lie down on the couch, and watch some TV.  I was taking my shoes off and the phone rang.  I answered, even though I didn’t recognize the number.  Usually, thats a no no. I generally have no desire to speak to people I don’t know, and never give my number out to strangers.  The call wasn’t important, but Roscoe took that opportunity to come over and give my ankle its evening hug.  Except this time the little pervert sank his teeth into my shinbone, and began humping my ankle like a 5 pound furry jackhammer.

    Needless to say I was stunned with the ferocity of his attack.  I’d heard the expression “fuck like bunnies,” but always assumed that had to do with their exceptional rate of procreation.  This wasn’t a ferocious form of hug either.  He was obviously humping, and a former girlfriend explained to me once that animals in the wild often bite the neck of the creature they are mating with.   Yeah, she was a bit of a freak. The teeny tiny hard rabbit penis was also a clue.

   Anyway, I peeled the furry little ankle raper off my leg, and flipped em onto the couch.  Roscoe started pacing, and occassionally stopped to place his front paws up on the couch and stare at my feet with that “yeah, I got me some of that” look.  disconcerting it was, but not scary or anything.  I’d never had my ankle violated before, but he is after all a fucking bunny, and can easily be transformed into glove linings and a bowl of stew.

     I reached up and turned off the lamp, the little lagomorph Lothario struck again.  This time he leapt onto the couch, and began ravaging my shin.  I snatched him off and placed him back on the floor.  Rabbits are not cats.  You can’t bounce them off the wall just because they deserve it.  Rabbits are fragile.  I don’t care how hopped up on honey nut cheerios and testosterone they are.  We repeated ths sequence three times before I’d had enough of his amorous advances.

    I rose from my perch on the couch, and did that which I have never done to him before.  I locked him in his cage.  Normally it is there for him to go crap in, and to eat and drink in.  I felt 4 sexual assaults we’re enough to warrant some form of incarceration (pretty much just like our judicial system in that regard).  I returned to the ocuch and spent the next hour listening to him stomp around his cage, and growl like some miniature bobcat or something.  Apparently horniness makes rabbits act rabid.

    I’m not sure what got into him.  Whether it was a full moon (again, former girlfriends have been affected much like Mr. Roscoe was acting by the phases of the moon), he was just randy, or if the yogurt treats I gave him work like an aphrodisiac.  What I do know is if that little shit whistles at me when I walk in the door his ass is staying in solitary confinement until hell freezes over.

You’re on borrowed time

   Well, its true.  You are.  A friend of mine returned to work today.  He’s an old ornery codger named gordon, that I happen to like quite a bit.  This is a rare thing.  Not gordon being old.  Me liking him.  A lot of the people at work are old.  Its hard to get young people to take jobs that require such things as sweat, and labor, and pain.  I’m not here to rail about the laziness of today’s youth however.  Hopefully they will be tomorrows lazy old codgers.

    Gordon is about 67.  He works as an electrician, and does a pretty decent job of embarassing men half his age with his stamina, attention to detail, and all around exemplary work ethic.  He talks about his farm and his horses, and whatever else anyone wishes to talk about. If he starts the conversation though, its about horses or farms.  He says hello Will everytime he walks by me.  Hows the day going?  He reminds me of the folks back home, and this is probably what caused me to levitate toward him.  I generally do not make friends at work. The reason for that is that I am working.  Its a novel concept that I’d like to see tried by the millions of nitwits that play solitaire, or write, or chat, or surf porn at work all day.  I’m almost certain it won’t take.

    Anyway.  He returned to work today.  He had missed three days because of the death of his son.  A man 8 years younger than I.  I shook his hand, and through careful scrutiny was able to detect the pain in his eyes when I expressed my heartfelt condolences.   I buried a brother when I was 12, and will never forget the hell it put my parents through.  The old saw about you should never outlive your children might well be the truest words ever spoken.  He thanked me, and you could see it actually meant something to him.  He didn’t take it as mere platitude, but an honest expression of sympathy.  Not a smarmy thing.  Not boohooin and huggin, but a man thing.  Which same I’m sure makes many of you roll your eyes, but its a fact.  Men exist.

    Anyway, in our brief conversation after this I said the guy couldn’t of been but my age.  He said how old are you?  44 I replied.  He said with no malice, but obvious chagrin that I’d gotten 8 more out of life than his son.  Then he grinned and said I guess that means were both on borrowed time.  I smiled, and related the story about my brother, and pointed out that everyone is.  He chuckled and said since the time was borrowed we should make the most of it.

   I’m not sure how I got talked into riding a bean brained swaybacked horse this weekend.  I don’t really like Gordon that much.  Riding a horse is kind of like wrasslin a bag of antlers.  What the hell. Its not my time.  Enjoy yours like you borrowed it.

Things I know nothing about

     I know.   You’re thinking I could just type the word everything, and it would be hard to dispute.  This may be true, but in keeping with my policy of trying to never make any real contribution to the human race, I think it best if I elaborate a little.  It will take more time, and will therefore ensure that I accomplish nothing worthwhile for a longer period of time.

women:  surprised?  I don’t know anything about them because I make no effort to distinguish between genders when it comes to how I view my fellow man.  I’ve heard all the reports about how womens brains work differently, and I confess I find that fasscinating.  Not fascinating enough to put down my Pabst or my crossword puzzle, but fascinating.  As far as opinion goes, and I don’t claim this to be knowledge, I find them to spend entirely to much time thinking with their vaginas, always needing help carrying heavy things, and all around poor conversationalists unless you talk about what they wish to talk about.  They are also fun to look at, and from what I hear are necessary for the procreation of the specoes.  Hopefully science can make that last one untrue in the near future.

wine:  Ah yes, the fruit of the grape.  Who cares.   Overrated.  When I want a drink I don’t wish to “let it breathe”.  I also prefer that it not taste like a herd of wildebeests just urinated in my mouth.  Thousands to choose from, made all over the globe, and still not one that can replace a decent rum and coke.  Of course, it does give the obnoxiously narcissistic something to lord over the waiter, so its not a totally worthless product.

cigars: legend has it that the reason cigars from cuba are better is because they are rolled between the thighs of virgins.  No kiddin?  So rolling something between the thighs of a virgin upgrade it from “noxious” to “holy shit that thing stinks?” Nice upgrade.  I’m not anti-smoking so this isn’t some prima donna rant, but who  in their right mind would put anything that smells like that in their mouth?  Cigar smokers are quite possibly also the people sneaking around eating the dog shit left in my yard by the mooch.

Children:  I’ve raised three now, not all the way to the age of maturity, but damn close, and i still can’t figure em out.  What do they need all that money for?  When I was their age it was for dope and pussy, but they don’t come home high, (trust me, I’d know).  Which makes me fear for the virgin status of every girl between 12 and 20 living within a 10 mile radius.  Lord knows they spend enough to have accomplished a genghis kahn style pillaging of the entire city.  Do kids really think shoes make them cool? And tell me, how do you run from the cops with your britches cinched around mid-thigh?  The daughter is even harder to figure out, and keeps me so flabbergasted I can’t even speak on it.

I was gonna add love to this list, but I know all I need to know about that.  If a person has to change, then I don’t love them.  If I have to change…then they can kiss my rosie red sphincter.

Sunday is for random thoughts

gonna do this tonight because I’m taking off for the weekend.  Y’all enjoy your days of rest.  Remember, consensual drunkeness and debauchery are not crimes.

1.  Fishing is the only sport where you take pride in outsmarting a creature with a brain the size of a bb.  Except politics I suppose.

2.  I think its a little disingenuous for hamas to grant fatah an amnesty while they throw a guy off a building.  thats just me.

3.  About the only thing a TV is good for anymore is its a dandy place to put the remote.

4.  except for mollie the mooch and roscoe the wonder bunny the only creature on this planet I trust is my father.  In all other cases I have been proven wrong.

5.  It doesn’t seem fair that we contemplate amnesty for illegal immigrants, but non violent felons carry their record, and all that goes with it to their graves without a word said.

authors note:  after they complete their sentence, most nonviolent felons still lose as many as 35 of their constitutional rights, including the one to vote.  This disproportionately affects minorities.

6.   Love is as resilient as you make it.  Don’t water a plant…you get the idea.

7.   the dearth of talent on the internet makes it a fertile breeding ground for plagiarists.  To say nothing of scum sucking thieves whose theft of intellectual property is going to bring government regulators into the web like dea agents into a crack convention. 

8.  In reference to post 7….I think the sky is falling.

9.   Ever have a woman tell you “well you’ve never given birth so you know nothing about pain.”  Tell her 8 mllion women did it squatting in caves with no medical care, quit whining.

another damn authors note:  I once had a kidney stone that put me on a morphine drip.  The emergency room nurse said she had had a kid and a kidney stone, and she’d rather have 10 more kids than one more stone.

10.   I’m not sure why random thoughts come harder on friday night than on sunday morning, but they do, so I’m stopping here.

 11.  Ron Paul does too look like Henry Gibson.  You don’t know what you’re talking about.  Go ahead…vote for him…we need a pathetic looking president.  It’ll give the little people hope. 

12.  Unless you want to be looking for a room, never treat your mate like they treat you.  Trust me on this.

remember, no matter how bad today might have sucked, its will get worse than that sometime soon.

so today

  I was called names.  Darn it.  whatever shall I do.  My blog was hijacked, and i was slandered by a young woman who by appearances is quite perturbed with me.  Again with the darn it

for all you gold digging hussies out there.  I do not have a book deal with random house, nor am I banging that horsefaced anal retentive ann coulter.  I do however have a job, never borrow money, and raise three kids by myself.  want some of that ladies?  Then let me go farther, i am short, fat, bald, have only one testicle, a large goiter on the side of my neck suffer from polio and angina, have only three teeth remaining, and based on past performance am intolerably bad in bed.  There are roughy 7000 pictures of my naked genitals somewhere on the net, and they will all prove that my weapon of mass dysfunction is not John holmesian.

   What I do have is an incredible talent for bringing out the worst in people.  That being said, you should maybe hang around some.  You probably haven’t seen your worst yet.  I can take an almost sane, only slightly bipolar, and suffering from ADD, human and turn them into a snivelling quivering fuzzy little ball of hate.  This takes mere minutes.  If you want towering hateful gelatinous mass of rage you gotta gimme a minute more than that.

What the problem is folks is honesty.  I lack tact…i sneer at diplomacy, and i find some shit just too damn funny to pass up.  This is fine at blog central, but in the real world it pisses off your average room temperature IQ packing refugee from the shallow end of the gene pool.  Which is nothing compared to what it does to a closet narcissist, openly claiming to be insecure type human.

   But then what do I know, as my good friend johnny b goode aka whitish rabbit says…..aw hell, i  can never remember what chicks say.  I guess trading an ear for a third arm was a big mistake after all

rethefted

yuck.  I apologize to those of you she named.  I can do no more than that.  I’ll not honor the rest of it with any comment, but i did steal my stuff back

what these people aren’t.

Ron Paul…he isn’t a libertarian.  i could go into all the reasons why, but then you wouldn’t go to http://vote-smart.org and make up your own mind.

Ann Coulter…stupid.  She has found a niche that made her rich, and all she had to do was be nasty.  I can be nasty.  Of course I don’t have that horse-faced inbred look.

Mike Moore…a journalist.  but his new documentary sicko has enough truth in it to make it worth the view, just like all his documentaries.  Now its true I wouldn’t put him out if he was burning, but he still manages to catch my attention.

Sean Hannity…a pragmatist.  Given a chance to appeal to the decent sensibilities of intelligent people, Sean would pass and continue to preach to the choir with his nitwit vitriolic warmongering.  Face it Sean, if it wasn’t for my boy Alan (god what a geek) Colmes you’d be just another pasty faced Irish conservative talking on the radio.

George Bush…a bad guy.  You can hate him all you want.  You can think he’s stupid.  But do you really down in your heart after watching the guy think that he has ill intent?  I can see where he might be a little to easily led by the people he trusts, but I think ol George is as decent a man as has ever been president.  Remember Jimmy Carter? he was a decent guy.  shitty president.  Just like George.

Paris Hilton…she just isn’t.  Her 30 to 50 million future inheritance is real.  The cameras that chase her around are real.  The idiots that make her the star of their daily quest for titillation are real.  Turn off the camera’s though and Paris disappears…completely.

Hillary Clinton…a liberal.  Hillary Clinton is a politician par excellance.  She would bang every ungulate from here to poughkeepsie if the bestiality vote would get her made president.  Remember Bill? Stone cold liberal till he got elected.  Then he became moderate Bill pushing through the Republican agenda like no conservative president ever has.  Hillary is cut from the same cloth.  Its why they hate each other.

Al Sharpton…a man of god.   A man of god would work to bring people together under the lord.  Al Sharpton is s your typical for us by us black preacher.  Tawanda Brawley leaps to mind.  For those of you to young to remember her, she is why Al Sharpton stayed out of the Duke lacrosse team rape case.

Martha Stewart: dumb or weak.  This woman is as popular as she ever was with the middle class.  This after an insider trading scandal that made her look like a have greedily succumbing to the temptation to take advantage of her position in life.  Normally this would have her burned in effigy, instead, she’s who all the little Rachel Ray’s wanna be when they grow up.

Wolf Blitzer….a Wolf.  This boy is as sheep as it gets…. CNN has a ring in his nose and a finger up his a..   you know what I’m talking about.  This guy couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the “c” and the “t” without some exec at CNN coaching him first

that’s what they aren’t… I couldn’t begin to guess what they are.

 

Talents

    About the only difference between today and every other weekday is that for some unknown reason I did a 180 on the way to the bathroom upon rising.  This confused the hell out of mollie the mooch.  Not really knowing what to do the poor pooch did what she does when she’s confused and sat down.  Roscoe, perpetually bringing up the rear in our little love caravan failed to notice my abrupt change of direction, and failed to yield.  This created the hilarious for me, disconcerting for mollie, and intolerable for roscoe result of Mollie sitting on Roscoe’s head.  I can’t really tell you in words, but seeing a cockerpoodle with a rabbit thrashing around in its butt is a vision that every day should start with.

    On to talents.  Do you have one? Wanna share?  I do.  Have one.  I’m sharing because I didn’t feel like playing poker, and its to hot to do anything that is not incredibly sedentary.   My talent is I’m a prick.  I can annoy a person in 15 seconds or less, piss em off in under a minute, and have them in a spittle flying apopleptic rage in well under 10.

     This doesn’t pay well as talents go.  I mean, its not getting loot like a Vincent Van Gogh original, but he was dead before the cashola started to flow.  Its not drawing pay like a fortune 500 executive either, but it has good bennies.   People are always incredibly fun to watch.  They will do the damnedest things if they think no one is looking.    Mad though, upset, annoyed; then they are at their finest.

    There is really no joy in life like watching a normally calm, sane human being completely losing their cool over a few words.  I don’t do anything else.  It’s not really all that iunteractive a sport.  Just speak and watch the games begin.  The reason I’m good at it is really quite simple.  It’s easy. 

   People lack self control.  They are so used to having things go the way that they want; when faced with anything out of the ordinary they become first defensive, then offensive, and then downright assinine.  i love it.  Its better than sex with a monkey.

    There are several gambits to the game.  Its not chess mind you, but maybe conversationally instigative checkers.  My favorite is to be over nice.  I’m not sure why this one works so well, but if their is one thing folks can’t stand its someone being nice to them.  I mean real nice.  I mean ass kissing, brown nosing, sycophantically nice.  This probably only works for me because it makes people wonder whats coming.  I’m so rarely nice to anyone outside of my household that it gives people the creeps when I am.

    Another one is to agree with everything someone says, and repeat it like its wisdom from the almighty.  This one performs well at work.  Unless you work with a closet insecurity freak that acts like an egomaniac.  They love this. 

    One I used just yesterday is maybe the easiest to get the opportunity to use.  Find some pompous windbag that’s obviously overly fond of him/herself, and just make observations about their character.  Nothing extreme mind.  Just point out how insecure they seem.  That sort of thing.  I had The vindictive bastard.wordpress.com so mad i know it took a bottle of windex to clean his screen.  Tormenting the obnoxious is fun.  Tormenting the semi-literate obnoxious is what makes life worth living.

   My book how to torment others is available for the low low price of $14.95 at all your better bookstores. 

Sunday is for random thoughts

1.  I’m pretty sure the reason alcoholism is a rampant sickness in our society is because it makes human interaction almost tolerable.

2.   Albania likes us.   That being the case it makes it real easy to wonder what the hell is wrong with the rest of Europe.  My vote is jealousy.  Na na na na boo boo.  You don’t like us because you want to be us.  You want to shower more than once a week.  You want to brush your teeth.   You want to have leaders that aren’t deviants, retards, and criminals.  Well, so do we on that last one.

3.  Congress has the effrontery to tell me that I need a 700 odd mile fence on my  over 1500 mile southern border.   Ok, so build a fence to keep your dog in.   Leave several gaps in it.  does it work?  How can you not chuckle?

4.  Gun control is the one issue I think I can have an impact on so pay attention.  Get a good sight picture.  Breathe in….release the breath and squeeze (don’t pull) the trigger.  I have now done my part on one of the great issues facing our society.  Use it in good health.

5.   My dog is fat, fluffy, and lazy.  She makes me get up at odd hours to take her out to relieve herself.  She barks incessantly when i’m not home which makes the neighbors complain.   She follows me literally everywhere.  you can’t divorce your dog, but I did get rid of a wife that behaved almost exactly the same way.

6.   To all you sullen Ron Paul fans that come, read, and leave pissed off because I think he looks like Henry Gibson, or has the people skills of Elmer Fudd.  Get over it.  I’m just being a jilted fan.  His stance on imperialism is right on, but he is not as so many of you like to say….a libertarian.  Go to vote-smart. org, and read up on your diminutive dynamo.  The man is at least 7 turnips shy of a truckload.

7.  Breakfast is by far the most important meal of the day.  Today I had a cuba libre’ and some cheese popcorn.  I feel like a million bucks.  Well, like 32 bucks and some change, but thats progress.

8.   Nascar has a rain delay for the second week in a row.  Ted does not like nascar.  Ted does not like anything.  Ted is a spoiled rotten omnipotent brat, and should be excoriated in all the newspapers of the land.  Its good to be irreverant on Sunday.  Its a day of rest, and their is nothing more restful than twisting the tail of the created by man creator.

9.  Love is a four letter word that is defined   “someone else doing things exactly the way you want them to.”

I can live without it.

10.    If the French have finally realized that socialism is an invalid theory, and they have judging by the conservative landslide in their parliamentary elections, does that mean we can now put that baby to bed in Europe?  Or is the dumbest, laziest, dirtiest nation in Europe just trying to keep up with the brits?  Hard to say.  If they all start riding around naked on their bicycles we’ll have our answer.

11.   Ferrets attack more people than grizzly bears.   I know this is true because I saw it on a mountain dew commercial.

12.  My dentist wants 4 digits to work on my teeth.  Thats not so bad.  I just won’t buy gas this week.

13.    Its over.  For the 39th time in 3 days its over.  I haven’t figured out what it is yet, but I’m not defecating what looks like thick lemonade anymore, so i think its a good thing.

14.  You have just wasted 10 minutes of your day if you read all of this.   Thats assuming that if you’re reading this you have to sound out the long words, and read while moving your lips.  You should maybe do something else now.

15.   Remember….you can’t change anything.  You have no power.  Control is only an illusion, and your life is slowly spiralling into the fiery pits of hell.  Chaos will rule supreme in your existence, and life will never be as good for you as it was yesterday.  That being said, you still as a species are amusing as hell.  Please continue.

according to spellcheck I didn’t mispell anything.  Find a deep hole and pray.  Armageddon is upon us.

suck your thumb

     I try to be moderate in my viewpoints.  I also try to curtail my opinion when I disagree with something someone else does or says.  I almost never comment on other writers, because….well….a lot of them are idiots, and you don’t make any friends calling people idiot.

     Michelle Malkin….you are an idiot.  You may be cute, but you’re still an idiot.   I read one of this wenches articles today, and I came away with this utterly amazed feeling.  Not at the depth of her persuasive ability.  Not at her obvious astuteness.  i was amazed that the Washington Times actually paid this overeducated elitist to write this swill.

     Seems Michelle is a little worried that all the allah lovers are teaching their kids to kill whitey, and were teaching ours to be wussies.  Its quite true.  Thats almost exactly whats happening.  In middle America.  In the public schools of our suburbs, maybe.  The muslims do teach their children about Jihad from the time they pull em off the camels teat.  They’ve been doing it for generations.  War in the middle east is like saturday cartoons here.  They keep getting worse, and they never end.

     I guess where my problem comes in is in wondering what we should do.  Help me out Michelle.  Shall we have M-16 training in kindergarten?  Should all our politicians rattle the sabre?  Can you see Ron Paul threatening anyone? “Be vewwwy vewwy quiet….wewe hunting muswims…..hehehehehehehehe.”  

      I don’t think I want my children trained to hate anyone.  I’ll grant our schools suck.  I’d go so far as to say the government wastes almost every tax dollar they sink into the public schools.  I live in the inner city though.  All I can say is I’d pit my streetwise scumbags against the ayatollahs assholes any old day.  The kids in my neighborhood don’t lack for balls, and the kids in Michelle’s neighborhood aren’t going to fight our wars anyway. 

    So do me a favor you wafer thin sorority sister nitwit.  Move your column to the society page, or talk some sense.  

http://washingtontimes.com/commentary/mmalkin.htm   michelle’s blithering idiocy in print.

 ok, I don’t try….so what.
 

Faith, Love, and the Art of Politics

    Like Baskin Robbins, politics has a flavor of the day.  In the republican party, or rather for a fringe element of them its Ron Paul.  For the Democrats, it changes like I change socks.    For all concerned, the flavor is faith, and how sweet it is to broadcast your beliefs on all the cable network news shows.  I was watching tonight; (and I confess to ignoring most of it), the three top candidates from the democrats discussing their faith on CNN’s faith forum.

    Here I should point out that I have a lackadaisical attitude toward faith.  I have faith, but I limit it to those things that are almost certain to happen whether I believe they will or not.  Like the sun coming up, my children asking for $150.00 shoes, or me hurling if I chase my tequila with a vicodin.   Its not a spiritual thing with me.  I do pray though.  I like to think of it as chatting with Ted.  It usually goes something like this.

Me: Uh, lord?

God:  I told you to call me Ted.

Me:  Yeah, but it feels a little wierd.

God:  I’m god, your wierdness isn’t my problem.

Me: true.

God: so what’s up?

Me: The usual.  I’m confused about you really.

God:  Do tell?

Me:   Well, what is it you do?

God:  I’m omnipotent.

Me:  Do tell?

God:  I can do anything.

Me:  Really?  Like cure aids?  end famine? stop wars?

God:  I could do all those on a slow Tuesday.

Me: really?!?!  Then why don’t you?

God:  I gave man free will.  If you folks want it fixed…. fix it.

Me:  (thinks)  ok, so what do you do?

God:  I’m omnipotent.

Me:  But what does that entail?

God:  I created the universe in 6 days.  Then took a day off.

Me: Then what?

God:  (thinks)  I had immaculate conception with Mary, then 33 years later I gave my only begotten son that man would be saved.

Me: from what?  Saved from what?

God:  Nobody ever asked that before…I’ll ruminate on it.

Me:  Then what?

God:  Then nothing.  I’m waiting.

Me:  For what?

God:  For man to love his fellow man, for the rich to care for the poor, for the church to care for the unsaved, for all mankind to love one another.

Me:   You got hopes.

God:  Nope.  I have a hammock, a never ending six pack, and you to pick on.

Me: sounds like a good gig.

God: Works for me.

Me: no kiddin.  So just one more question?

God: shoot?

Me:  What do you think of the candidates for the 2008 election?

God:  I think I need a beer.

Me: Oh, me too.  Thanks a bunch Ted.  Can you hold my coat?