the book report

September 7, 2007

The assignment:  Give a two minute presentation on The Giver by Louis Lowry.

The instructions:  Explain why you liked the book, and reasons others your age would like the book.

The questions my daughter asked:  What if I didn’t like the book?  What if the book has no redeeming social value?

The directive:  Well then just make something up.   (Allegedly with a threatening tone).

The decision (as it was put to me):   I’m going to say what I really thought of the book.

My response:   Take something good to read in in school suspension. (smiling, and with just a hint of defeatism).

the book report:  a scathing 2:00 rebuke of a book that ended “but others might like it.”

The question:  Was there anything about the book that you liked?  (Allegedly with a hint of malice.)

The response:  It was short.

   good kid

author’s note:  all errors in this communication related to punctuation, grammar and sentence structure are mine.  The content is as close to exact as I can make it, having had the story related to me by my daughter.

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The retardation conflagration

August 30, 2007

  I haven’t been here much this week.  It’s been a bear, and we’ll leave that right there.

I’m a little curious as to how it is that the only thing  CNN and FOXNEWS can agree on is that one sad, closeted, gay senior citizen Senator should resign.  I’ll grant that it kind of gives me the willies that he felt a mens room was the place to look for sex, but if blowjobs from an employee (unpaid) in the oval office are ok, I’m not sure I find playing footsie with an undercover cop all that vile. 

   Oh my god.  The U>N> has weapons of mass destruction.  I think that we should perform a preemptive strike against the bastards.  We could call it shock and awe, and everyone could stay up to the wee hours of the morning cheering as we bomb the dogshit out of new york. 

author’s note:  I said that in jest, but the more I think about it the more I like the idea.

Now Silicone Valley has decided that unemployed American workers are so en vogue that they are going to ship manufacturing jobs overseas.  I wonder if these assclowns have stopped to consider that once all our jobs are over there, we won’t have any money to buy the substandard products they are pushing over here.

  A Colorado school has banned tag on its playgrounds because of student complaints of harassment.  About the only kind thing I can say about how we as a society are raising our snotnosed, whineassed,  pussified children is that I’m glad I’ll be dead before they are old enough to become good little muslims.

   Fred thompson has decided to finally show his ass, I meant cards, and enter the fray.  I’m not sure if he is entering because the opposition seems so weak, or if he really thinks he can win, but let’s get real.  The electorate is as smart as a house plant, and you know what that means.  Ron Paul baby…he’s the man.  I’m thinking about coming out with my endorsement of the Ron Paul insanity…er I mean campaign soon.

   What’s with  all the feigned surprise?  The chinese own more of the Democratic party than they do the island of Hawaii.  They’ve been buying the Clinton’s for so long the only question seems to be why don’t they stay bought?  Face it, if it would get her elected Hillary would hit her knees in the middle of Tianamen Square and wouldn’t get up until the last Wang was pleasured.

    Ron Paul had about 1500 people at his come one come all birthday Bar-b-q, incest fest, and Militia sign up.  We get that many at our block parties, and all we promise is free booze.  I guess promising freedom isn’t exactly the same as granting it.

  ok, that’ll do.  I left out the Austrian teen trying long pig, the mother who gave birth at McDonalds and trying to flush the baby down the toilet, the mathematical explanation for Jessica Alba’s sexiness, and the two Corey’s, because I fear actual medical conditions are apparent.


“we’re out of gas”

August 19, 2007

  Thats what he said.  Actually, what he said in its entirity was “hey dad we were on the way to this party and were out of gas can you bring us some.”

So, he needs gas to convey himself to a party that he never would’ve bothered mentioning to me if he had not run out of gas.

so i took him some gas.  Him is my son, btw.  and his hippie buddy will.  Upon further conversing, I learn that this is a girls birthday party and there won’t be any drinking or dope smoking.  Of course.  There was never any drinking or dope smoking at the parties I went to at his age.  It did bother me though that he offered the information.  I noticed he didn’t say there wouldn’t be any heroin shooting, coke freebasing, or animal sacrificing.

I’m old and therefore stupid so I wasn’t surprised when he came to borrow money from me because they were going to play poker.  thats a clever euphemism for “I need to buy a dime” I think. Puff puff pass, buttmunch….er…check check fold. Whatever.

   It doesn’t bother me that they think I’m stupid, but the fact they think i was born 45 years old is a bit of a bummer.  I thought I taught them better than that.  Never underestimate anyone. 

I gave him the ten bucks on the off chance it wasn’t for dope.  Besides, he’d of fronted the shit and had Bruno the killer pot dealer chasing him if it was and i didn’t give him the loot.

Teenagers suck.


Ron Paul Rising and other news

August 9, 2007

  I’ve been wondering around checking out The Ron Paul reaction.  What I’m not seeing is anyone saying he has no hope anymore.  The word longshot comes up a lot, but in the National journals poll he has risen to 6th, and if anyone really believes that Sam Brownback has a better shot of winning this thing than Ron Paul, they must have strong Christian Coalition connections.  He still has that 2% albatross around his neck, and he doesn’t get considered in any of the big polls.

woohoo…the Oprah marriage questionnaire….you can tell around 12 or so they said, hey this is all about money…lets add something about kids and friends so they don’t think we’re republicans.

Diet foods are making our kids fat says this study.  I say bo-lo-nee.  X-Box, nintendo, television, and laziness is what makes kids fat.  Don’t believe me? hoist that behemoth off the couch and pry the joystick from his hand.  Put him to work and see if he don’t shape up.

Well, this makes sense.  The only thing better than 12 million illegal immigrants, is 12 million unemployed illegal immigrants

The nice thing about politicians being honest, is it shows us how stupid they are.  While I agree with the theory that no one should join the military if they don’t wish, saying that his children are helping America by trying to get him elected might well be the dumbest thing Mitt has said all week.  This of course leaves him far behind Barack “dubya” Obama.

This is a great article.  60 years since Great Britain unceremoniously succumbed to the demands of Mahatma Gandhi and left India, the strife continues.  Pakistan and India…kind of a larger israel/palestinian thing.  Weren’t the Brits involved there as well.  We talk partitioning in Iraq.  Read this if you think its a good idea.

evolution has changed its story again.  Thats the beauty of science.  It just changes things as it goes along.  More skuls, more indecision.  Evolution is correct, the tree just has more branches than we thought.  Not in kentucky it doesn’t


the day in pictures

August 1, 2007

ha ha sucker, you got as much chance of viewing a picture here as you do of finding a winning lotto ticket in your pocket while you’re getting a blowjob from she-ra the warrior princess.  You can, however, should you choose to waste the next several moments of your life enjoy what I like to think of as the least common denominator in faux literature.

   The day began with a Roscoe.  It always does.  You know the old saw about teaching kids to walk and talk and then telling them to sit down and shut up?  That’s what my rescue of Roscoe is beginning to be.   He went from being the rabbit version of being a clam, to being the bruce willis in die hard version of being a rabbit.  Tile no longer limits his range, but for whatever reason makes him crap.  I mean all over.  Little bunny balls needing to be swept up every three to five minutes so the kitchen table doesn’t disappear.  He’s like a never ending bag of rabbit poo.  I now sleep with a shovel so I can navigate the hallway when I awaken without smelling like an excerpt from mutual of omaha’s wild kingdom.

   He has also taken to bullying Mollie.  I mean bullying in the Ole’ sense.  He will build up a full head of bull rabbit steam and slam into her.  Mollie is mostly fur,  but roscoe is a midget, and the affect of his new ramming technique on Mollie is to make her aware that he is present.  Roscoe on the other hand spends three to four minutes roaming around the living room like  Dean Martin after a weekend in vegas.  When the concussion subsides, he proves that bunny memories are short by slamming into her again.  This goes on for as long as it takes mollie to decide she is tired of the game. 

   So that’s how the morning starts.  This morning also included a beautiful sunrise, the picture of which you can find here.  It made hateful hard until I remembered we were dismantling the slag caster today.  We didn’t though.  It was delayed a day I know not why.  The sum total of my involvement in this project is going to be cutting the molds off the chain, stacking them on pallets, and then returning them to be mounted on the new chain. 

    Instead me and Forrest Gump (I know it’s supposed to be Forrest Gump and I, so lick ass) painted the baghouse.  Thats the new nickname of my forgetful young protege.  He doesn’t seem to like it much which makes it all the better.  Due to safety concerns I am required to be with him anytime he’s on plant property (to head off some dumbass, no, not in the bathroom), and he keeps forgetting things.  Which means I have to walk extra steps, which vexes the hell out of me.  Maybe the new moniker will encourage him.   The problem is it may encourage him to throw me off the baghouse.  I’ll chance it…tormenting the young is fun as hell.

So as I’m driving home my daughter calls and informs me that after I give her some money her and her friend are going to the movies and she’ll be home sometime next tuesday.  That’s how she does me.  I figured what the hell, I’ll stop and get some food at the deli.  Cooking for one is just stupid.  I order my victuals (thats vittles spelled right you chitlin eating rednecks), and the young lady behind the counter says “you don’t remember me do you?”  All the alarms start sounding in my head, and I’m scrambling like hell trying to figure out what the hell I had done to this one.  She appeared to young for me to have taken carnal liberties with her, so I assumed she was pissed at me for dumping her shrew mother or some such.  I couldn’t place her so I said, “well, you’re obviously not one of the hateful old fat heifers that normally gaurd the fried chicken.”  She said “oh, you know my coworkers.” I’m still searching my brain.  I never forget anything, and I can not place this woman for shit.   It turns out that she used to hang out with this gal that used to live next door to me.   I even babysat her kids once.  I remember her as a typical hotter than hell party girl, and not much else.   She no longer looks like she did.  In fact, she is no longer recognizeable, and I said so.  Tact and diplomacy are not a dish that I partake of.  It occurred to me after I said it that she probably took this harsher than it was meant.  She is not an unattractive woman, but her hot chick party days are behind her.  To me she is more attractive now, but I’d be willing to bet based on what I’ve been reading about women and mirrors she looks in hers with a bit of angst.  Maybe I’m wrong.  It seems 6 years changes the young more than the middle aged.  She recognized me instantly.  Then again, when you look like a cross between quasimodo and homer simpson, you’re a little hard to forget.

that was mostly the day.  Rotten kids, rotten pets, rotten coworkers.  A nice good morning, and a chance meeting of an old acquaintance.  I’ve had worse days.


let’s schmooze the news

July 31, 2007

Haven’t done this in a week or so.  I’ve been to busy writing about inane crap to contemplate writing about the truly banal baloney…

well the iraqi parliament is leaving on their August hiatus.   Like our congress, their vacation is far more important to them than their people are.  What I really like is the almost afterthought at the bottom.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070730/ap_on_re_mi_ea/iraq_070717170945;_ylt=As1_FH88czmBIiJTb0db0qEL1vAI

So much for honor amongst thieves.  Michael Vicks co-conspirator is singing like a canary.  It looks bad for Michael, but we shouldn’t rush to judgement.  We should casually walk to it, as casually as he abused these dogs.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070730/ap_on_sp_fo_ne/fbn_vick_co_defendant_13;_ylt=AlEhndC_3dAjmmzF21oPQmsL1vAI

The Elect Billary campaign is insulted by the fashion article about ms. hillary’s cleavage.  Like its a bad thing.  Trust me hillary, you want me looking at your breasts and not listening to your words. Oh who am i kidding…I’m a nancy’s jugs guy anyway.  Hillary couldn’t get my vote if she did a cirque du soleil act naked with the swedish bikini team.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070730/od_nm/usa_politics_clinton1_dc_1;_ylt=AmXrK7.vCfiU5OVwy8saCTcL1vAI

There is a wind blowing in from Iowa, and it’s going to save us all.  Smells like asswind to me, but if the DOW hits 17,000 like they suggest they need to turn their attention to a problem with global ramifications…roscoe’s attitude.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070730/od_nm/stocks1_dc_1;_ylt=AjmBUZPXC5AmeeLzH.QwWKYL1vAI

your asshole is on my facebook.  Just go read it.  sexual predators are to easy a target, and I’m not in the mood for ez.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20041040/

Well grease me up with butter and beat me with a horsewhip…a feel good news story on criminyjickets.  This one just made me smile.  No clues for you.  duh, look at the link before you go if you’re that curious.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/07/30/lawmaker.raid.ap/index.html

I bet it doesn’t pass, but here’s another honest government bill.  The only thing I don’t like is it doesn’t say the lawmakers name will be publicized with his earmark, and I think that would be a deterrant.  It does make it tougher to keep an unrelated earmark in a bill though.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,291429,00.html

You go Rosie.  I still think you’re a pig, but this was class all the way.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,291363,00.html

HoBama?  I like it.  Their little fued is going to distance them from the rest of the candidates, and just a coupleweeks after I said they would be the ticket for the dems, Newt Gingrich agreed.  We should maybe do the butter/horsewhip thing again here.

http://www.update08.foxnews.com/

ok, that doesn’t even scratch the surface, but I’m hiking slagcaster moulds up steps tomorrow, and I wish to go lie down and hate the idea of that for awhile.  I didn’t mention the depths of human depravity stories I found.  Lots of murder and death today.   lot of  dead children.  Sorta ruins the mood.


sunday is for random thoughts 8.5

July 30, 2007

1. The only thing you can’t find on youtube is a republican debate

2. whether you’re a professor or a gardener, I think letting your kid get cooked in a car is a bad thing, and probably should be punished

3.  I’ve never met a stripper I didn’t like, but I don’t loan them money

4.  Leonard Nimoy is going to play spock again.  I think thats cool.  An old really strange guy not working as a walmart greeter.

5.   a coelacanth won’t do anything but swim in a brook, he can’t write his name or read a book… would you like to swing on a star would’ve been a much different song had it been written 360 million years ago

hell its a Bing song, and i’m bored…here you go…gratuitously stolen from some other website…What that is called boys and girls is confessing to a crime.

Would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a mule

A mule is an animal with long funny ears
he kicks up at anything he hears
His back is brawny but his brain is weak
he’s just plain stupid with a stubborn streak
and by the way if you hate to go to school
You may grow up to be a mule

Oh would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a pig

A pig is an animal with dirt on his face
his shoes are a terrible disgrace
He has no manners when he eats his food
He’s fat and lazy and extremely rude
But if you don’t care a feather or a fig
you may grow up to be a pig

Oh would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a fish

A fish won’t do anything but swim in a brook
he can’t write his name or read a book
to fool the people is his only thought
and though he’s slippery he still gets caught
but if then that sort of life is what you wish
you may grow up to be a fish
(music)
a new kind of jumped up slippery fish

And all the monkeys aren’t in the zoo
everyday you see quite a few
so you see it’s all up to you,
you could be better than you are
you could be swinging on a star

5.  You bone strokers better read that.  I could be incarcerated for it.

6.  Dogs are way better than cats.  Why?  It’s simple really.  Because I said so.

7.  I feed my pets.  My children have to fend for themselves.  Thats what opposable thumbs will get you.

8.  speaking of opposable thumbs…can I trade mine for a prehensile tail? It looks funner

9.  Roscoe has overcome his aversion to tile floors.  It is funnier than hell to see a rabbit walking like a cat, but not so funny to feel his furry little ass scootching across my feet as I’m shaving in the morning.

10.  We are going to have a democratic president.  This president will be a woman.   I’m ok with it.  Let a woman screw things up for awhile.  They lie better, and I’m far to jaded to fall for just any old bullshit.

11.   glass is a solid.  I just said that because one group of people I’m almost certain I’ve never pissed off is the “glass is a liquid” crowd.  This is what 44 years of pissing people off will get you. 

12.  Male praying mantids don’t masturbate.  You see what it gets them?  For those of you who don’t know the female praying mantis tends to chow on the male after sex.  The human version of this is called “alimony.”

13.  I am in pool number 20 of jurors for marion superior court.  I think the best way for me to get out of it is to have them punch up criminyjicket on their computers.  I’m not trying to evade my civic duty, although I have no idea why they call it that…a civic is a honda right?  What I’m trying to do is make sure some poor schmo doesn’t get the chair for jaywalking.  i can be persuasive when I want to be.

14.  I don’t care what else you do this millenia, but at some point you should go check out Anita’s sunday prayers.  She is probably the only thing keeping god from tormenting me 24/7.

15.  I am now going to bed…no…you may not come along…I am tired, and explaining the birds and the bees to you is beyond my ability at this time…enjoy your week…or not…as you see fit…being pissy about everything causes hair to grow on your toenails, and nobody wants to hang out with a hobbit