The politics of nausea

     It’s hard not to get that room spinning stomach churning feeling if you’re paying attention to politics these days.  Particularly if you’re a conservative.   Which I am.  I’m still going to vote for Hillary if she wins the Democratic primaries.  Which makes me a little green around the gills. 

   Why would I do such a thing?  Because to be quite frank I have a one eyed dog that gives me far more confidence than any of the conservative candidates.  Faux heroism, intellect, and morals do not sway me, and none of the Republican candidates have a realistic plan to place America back on a track worthy of the people that reside here.

    Lets start with McCain.  The only thing he has going for him is he was a war hero.  He consistently goes against the will of the people in his policy ideals, and like it or not that makes him a very bad employee.  The heroism thing is even a huge stretch to a thinking person.  Lets face it; the man volunteered to drop bombs on civilians in a soveriegn nation.  He was shot down during this criminal endeavor, and granted was treated horrendously during his captivity.  News flash….drop a bomb on my kids and see if you’re asking me to pass the canapes when I catch your sorry ass.  Like it or not, the true heroes of Vietnam were the conscripts that went and fought a war for no other reason than their government told them to.  Or even my personal favorite, Muhammad Ali, who faced prison rather than to go against his beliefs.  McCain was no hero.  He merely persevered through trying times that his own actions set in motion.

    Mighty Mike Huckabee.  I know this will offend some of you, but I believe his god is a case of mythology run amok.  I believe in him the same way I believe in Prometheus and Thor.    I do not want to be led by a man who bases his decisions on a god that has no more connection to reality than do Hercules and Hermes. 

   Giuliani and Romney….I put these two together because they are both the same sort of individual.  They have proven to say whatever they need to in order to get what they are after.  Puissant pandering does not a president make, and while they have both had limited experience making things function at the state and local level, neither has any proven ability to lead a nation in a world that is somewhat more complicated than running the olympics or taking credit for the hard work of others after what has been dubbed a national (an incredibly localized I might add) tragedy.

   Then there is of course Ron Paul.  I I’d like to vote for him.  I’d also like to ravage the swedish bikini team in a large vat of vanilla bean ice cream slathered in chocolate syrup.  Fantasy is cool, but hardly intelligent when it comes to casting your vote.   The man has never built a coalition in his entire congressional career.  Not a track record for change.

   So I’m left with Hillary.  Barack has the least experience of any candidate.  Voting for Barack is sort of like hiring a dishwasher to change your head gasket.  I can’t see it.  About the only thing he seems to have going for him is his tint.   Hillary on the other hand was intimately involved with an administration that balanced the budget,  increased the net worth of each American family, and managed to enact legislation that produced the strongest economy America has experienced in decades.  Her husband has been labelled a racist by Obama because Obama needs Bill to be a racist.  All the facts show that he isn’t, and that his administration fought for minorities and made their lives better.  This even though he was saddled with a congress dominated by the Republican party through most of his administration.

    So there you have it.  I’m voting for the girl with the big butt.   It’s not an easy thing to do, but based on history she is the only one that has any knowledge of how to build a coalition that is capable of changing the course this country is on.

How Ron Paul can win the presidency

  I know, you think I’m joking.  I should be.  Our society should be able to see through all the pandering his disciples are doing, but I really don’t think they can. They should be able to see through the political gamesmanship the two major parties are involved in, but if people were cognizant of it then we wouldn’t be where we are today.  Here’s just a thought on how Ron Paul could win. There are a lot of hypotheticals involved, but it’s better than his “I have no chance” plan.

1.  We suffer no major terrorist attack on our soil between now and the election.  This is important because as long as there is no attack George Bush’s policies will get no credit for it.  People wouldn’t give George Bush credit for pharting if he let a loud, disgusting whopper in front of the white house press corps.  As long as there isn’t an attack the democrats and Ron Paul take the edge.  I’m not counting Fred yet, because Fred isn’t counting Fred yet.

2.  The democrats nominate Hillary Clinton.  I think this is going to happen.  I knw all the newsies are gaga over Barack right now, but it is going to become all to obvious that he hasn’t the experience necessary to win the white house. Neither does his campaign staff.  Hillary would lose the centrists, and even some of the lefties.  She isn’t all that likeable.

3.  Rudy continues to go right.  His comments about only seating strict constructionist judges does not sit well in the center, and the right wing christian conservatives are not a large enough block to get him elected.  Right wing Rudy can’t win the nomination, and this would open the door for Ron.

4.  Mitt continues to be mormon.  i know it shouldn’t matter, but we live in a very bigoted society.  If you are different we hate you or fear you, and that isn’t going to change before 2008.  I can’t see Mitt repudiating his religion, and he shouldn’t.  It’s his albatross though.  You’ve never heard a politician say “we have to get out the mormon vote.”

5.  Ron doesn’t do anything incredibly stupid.  His borderline stupid statements won’t kill him with the middle class.  They are discouraged, in debt, and watching wages decline versus inflation.  They see themselves being vut out of the American Dream by politicians that squander their resources at an alarming rate.  They watch as the rich get tax breaks, and the breaks they get don’t ever seem to make a differencei n their lives.  They are disenfranchised, and know that either party will promise them the moon, and give them more of the same.  This works for Ron because all he promises them is what they already feel is theirs.

6.  The war in Iraq continues.  Which it will.  Politicians make a lot of strategic mistakes.  The republicans are wrong to think its a winnable war.  The democrats are wrong to think they can benefit by allowing it to continue.  Ron Paul has the market cornered here, and if the two sides don’t change he will keep this ground to himself.  None of the other end the war candidates have any credibility left on the issue.

7.  Gas prices go up,  foreclosures continue to rise, and nothing is done about immigration.  The two parties should be ensuring that enforcement of current law is accomplished, and a compromise can be reached on the reform of immigration policy.

8. Instead of picking another libertarian style candidate, or a Republican to run as his vice president, he waits for Hillary to win and then chooses Barack.  Barack makes a nice addition to the team, and Ron doesn’t look so radical anymore.  Barack has to bend some for this to work, but I could see them securing enough of the left, a bunch of the right, and maybe 80% of the middle.

the key here is can Ron Paul compromise, or does he need to have it his way?  If he does he should head to burger king, because he will never win the election.

rethefted

yuck.  I apologize to those of you she named.  I can do no more than that.  I’ll not honor the rest of it with any comment, but i did steal my stuff back

what these people aren’t.

Ron Paul…he isn’t a libertarian.  i could go into all the reasons why, but then you wouldn’t go to http://vote-smart.org and make up your own mind.

Ann Coulter…stupid.  She has found a niche that made her rich, and all she had to do was be nasty.  I can be nasty.  Of course I don’t have that horse-faced inbred look.

Mike Moore…a journalist.  but his new documentary sicko has enough truth in it to make it worth the view, just like all his documentaries.  Now its true I wouldn’t put him out if he was burning, but he still manages to catch my attention.

Sean Hannity…a pragmatist.  Given a chance to appeal to the decent sensibilities of intelligent people, Sean would pass and continue to preach to the choir with his nitwit vitriolic warmongering.  Face it Sean, if it wasn’t for my boy Alan (god what a geek) Colmes you’d be just another pasty faced Irish conservative talking on the radio.

George Bush…a bad guy.  You can hate him all you want.  You can think he’s stupid.  But do you really down in your heart after watching the guy think that he has ill intent?  I can see where he might be a little to easily led by the people he trusts, but I think ol George is as decent a man as has ever been president.  Remember Jimmy Carter? he was a decent guy.  shitty president.  Just like George.

Paris Hilton…she just isn’t.  Her 30 to 50 million future inheritance is real.  The cameras that chase her around are real.  The idiots that make her the star of their daily quest for titillation are real.  Turn off the camera’s though and Paris disappears…completely.

Hillary Clinton…a liberal.  Hillary Clinton is a politician par excellance.  She would bang every ungulate from here to poughkeepsie if the bestiality vote would get her made president.  Remember Bill? Stone cold liberal till he got elected.  Then he became moderate Bill pushing through the Republican agenda like no conservative president ever has.  Hillary is cut from the same cloth.  Its why they hate each other.

Al Sharpton…a man of god.   A man of god would work to bring people together under the lord.  Al Sharpton is s your typical for us by us black preacher.  Tawanda Brawley leaps to mind.  For those of you to young to remember her, she is why Al Sharpton stayed out of the Duke lacrosse team rape case.

Martha Stewart: dumb or weak.  This woman is as popular as she ever was with the middle class.  This after an insider trading scandal that made her look like a have greedily succumbing to the temptation to take advantage of her position in life.  Normally this would have her burned in effigy, instead, she’s who all the little Rachel Ray’s wanna be when they grow up.

Wolf Blitzer….a Wolf.  This boy is as sheep as it gets…. CNN has a ring in his nose and a finger up his a..   you know what I’m talking about.  This guy couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the “c” and the “t” without some exec at CNN coaching him first

that’s what they aren’t… I couldn’t begin to guess what they are.

 

Talents

    About the only difference between today and every other weekday is that for some unknown reason I did a 180 on the way to the bathroom upon rising.  This confused the hell out of mollie the mooch.  Not really knowing what to do the poor pooch did what she does when she’s confused and sat down.  Roscoe, perpetually bringing up the rear in our little love caravan failed to notice my abrupt change of direction, and failed to yield.  This created the hilarious for me, disconcerting for mollie, and intolerable for roscoe result of Mollie sitting on Roscoe’s head.  I can’t really tell you in words, but seeing a cockerpoodle with a rabbit thrashing around in its butt is a vision that every day should start with.

    On to talents.  Do you have one? Wanna share?  I do.  Have one.  I’m sharing because I didn’t feel like playing poker, and its to hot to do anything that is not incredibly sedentary.   My talent is I’m a prick.  I can annoy a person in 15 seconds or less, piss em off in under a minute, and have them in a spittle flying apopleptic rage in well under 10.

     This doesn’t pay well as talents go.  I mean, its not getting loot like a Vincent Van Gogh original, but he was dead before the cashola started to flow.  Its not drawing pay like a fortune 500 executive either, but it has good bennies.   People are always incredibly fun to watch.  They will do the damnedest things if they think no one is looking.    Mad though, upset, annoyed; then they are at their finest.

    There is really no joy in life like watching a normally calm, sane human being completely losing their cool over a few words.  I don’t do anything else.  It’s not really all that iunteractive a sport.  Just speak and watch the games begin.  The reason I’m good at it is really quite simple.  It’s easy. 

   People lack self control.  They are so used to having things go the way that they want; when faced with anything out of the ordinary they become first defensive, then offensive, and then downright assinine.  i love it.  Its better than sex with a monkey.

    There are several gambits to the game.  Its not chess mind you, but maybe conversationally instigative checkers.  My favorite is to be over nice.  I’m not sure why this one works so well, but if their is one thing folks can’t stand its someone being nice to them.  I mean real nice.  I mean ass kissing, brown nosing, sycophantically nice.  This probably only works for me because it makes people wonder whats coming.  I’m so rarely nice to anyone outside of my household that it gives people the creeps when I am.

    Another one is to agree with everything someone says, and repeat it like its wisdom from the almighty.  This one performs well at work.  Unless you work with a closet insecurity freak that acts like an egomaniac.  They love this. 

    One I used just yesterday is maybe the easiest to get the opportunity to use.  Find some pompous windbag that’s obviously overly fond of him/herself, and just make observations about their character.  Nothing extreme mind.  Just point out how insecure they seem.  That sort of thing.  I had The vindictive bastard.wordpress.com so mad i know it took a bottle of windex to clean his screen.  Tormenting the obnoxious is fun.  Tormenting the semi-literate obnoxious is what makes life worth living.

   My book how to torment others is available for the low low price of $14.95 at all your better bookstores. 

Sunday is for random thoughts

1.  I’m pretty sure the reason alcoholism is a rampant sickness in our society is because it makes human interaction almost tolerable.

2.   Albania likes us.   That being the case it makes it real easy to wonder what the hell is wrong with the rest of Europe.  My vote is jealousy.  Na na na na boo boo.  You don’t like us because you want to be us.  You want to shower more than once a week.  You want to brush your teeth.   You want to have leaders that aren’t deviants, retards, and criminals.  Well, so do we on that last one.

3.  Congress has the effrontery to tell me that I need a 700 odd mile fence on my  over 1500 mile southern border.   Ok, so build a fence to keep your dog in.   Leave several gaps in it.  does it work?  How can you not chuckle?

4.  Gun control is the one issue I think I can have an impact on so pay attention.  Get a good sight picture.  Breathe in….release the breath and squeeze (don’t pull) the trigger.  I have now done my part on one of the great issues facing our society.  Use it in good health.

5.   My dog is fat, fluffy, and lazy.  She makes me get up at odd hours to take her out to relieve herself.  She barks incessantly when i’m not home which makes the neighbors complain.   She follows me literally everywhere.  you can’t divorce your dog, but I did get rid of a wife that behaved almost exactly the same way.

6.   To all you sullen Ron Paul fans that come, read, and leave pissed off because I think he looks like Henry Gibson, or has the people skills of Elmer Fudd.  Get over it.  I’m just being a jilted fan.  His stance on imperialism is right on, but he is not as so many of you like to say….a libertarian.  Go to vote-smart. org, and read up on your diminutive dynamo.  The man is at least 7 turnips shy of a truckload.

7.  Breakfast is by far the most important meal of the day.  Today I had a cuba libre’ and some cheese popcorn.  I feel like a million bucks.  Well, like 32 bucks and some change, but thats progress.

8.   Nascar has a rain delay for the second week in a row.  Ted does not like nascar.  Ted does not like anything.  Ted is a spoiled rotten omnipotent brat, and should be excoriated in all the newspapers of the land.  Its good to be irreverant on Sunday.  Its a day of rest, and their is nothing more restful than twisting the tail of the created by man creator.

9.  Love is a four letter word that is defined   “someone else doing things exactly the way you want them to.”

I can live without it.

10.    If the French have finally realized that socialism is an invalid theory, and they have judging by the conservative landslide in their parliamentary elections, does that mean we can now put that baby to bed in Europe?  Or is the dumbest, laziest, dirtiest nation in Europe just trying to keep up with the brits?  Hard to say.  If they all start riding around naked on their bicycles we’ll have our answer.

11.   Ferrets attack more people than grizzly bears.   I know this is true because I saw it on a mountain dew commercial.

12.  My dentist wants 4 digits to work on my teeth.  Thats not so bad.  I just won’t buy gas this week.

13.    Its over.  For the 39th time in 3 days its over.  I haven’t figured out what it is yet, but I’m not defecating what looks like thick lemonade anymore, so i think its a good thing.

14.  You have just wasted 10 minutes of your day if you read all of this.   Thats assuming that if you’re reading this you have to sound out the long words, and read while moving your lips.  You should maybe do something else now.

15.   Remember….you can’t change anything.  You have no power.  Control is only an illusion, and your life is slowly spiralling into the fiery pits of hell.  Chaos will rule supreme in your existence, and life will never be as good for you as it was yesterday.  That being said, you still as a species are amusing as hell.  Please continue.

according to spellcheck I didn’t mispell anything.  Find a deep hole and pray.  Armageddon is upon us.

suck your thumb

     I try to be moderate in my viewpoints.  I also try to curtail my opinion when I disagree with something someone else does or says.  I almost never comment on other writers, because….well….a lot of them are idiots, and you don’t make any friends calling people idiot.

     Michelle Malkin….you are an idiot.  You may be cute, but you’re still an idiot.   I read one of this wenches articles today, and I came away with this utterly amazed feeling.  Not at the depth of her persuasive ability.  Not at her obvious astuteness.  i was amazed that the Washington Times actually paid this overeducated elitist to write this swill.

     Seems Michelle is a little worried that all the allah lovers are teaching their kids to kill whitey, and were teaching ours to be wussies.  Its quite true.  Thats almost exactly whats happening.  In middle America.  In the public schools of our suburbs, maybe.  The muslims do teach their children about Jihad from the time they pull em off the camels teat.  They’ve been doing it for generations.  War in the middle east is like saturday cartoons here.  They keep getting worse, and they never end.

     I guess where my problem comes in is in wondering what we should do.  Help me out Michelle.  Shall we have M-16 training in kindergarten?  Should all our politicians rattle the sabre?  Can you see Ron Paul threatening anyone? “Be vewwwy vewwy quiet….wewe hunting muswims…..hehehehehehehehe.”  

      I don’t think I want my children trained to hate anyone.  I’ll grant our schools suck.  I’d go so far as to say the government wastes almost every tax dollar they sink into the public schools.  I live in the inner city though.  All I can say is I’d pit my streetwise scumbags against the ayatollahs assholes any old day.  The kids in my neighborhood don’t lack for balls, and the kids in Michelle’s neighborhood aren’t going to fight our wars anyway. 

    So do me a favor you wafer thin sorority sister nitwit.  Move your column to the society page, or talk some sense.  

http://washingtontimes.com/commentary/mmalkin.htm   michelle’s blithering idiocy in print.

 ok, I don’t try….so what.
 

Faith, Love, and the Art of Politics

    Like Baskin Robbins, politics has a flavor of the day.  In the republican party, or rather for a fringe element of them its Ron Paul.  For the Democrats, it changes like I change socks.    For all concerned, the flavor is faith, and how sweet it is to broadcast your beliefs on all the cable network news shows.  I was watching tonight; (and I confess to ignoring most of it), the three top candidates from the democrats discussing their faith on CNN’s faith forum.

    Here I should point out that I have a lackadaisical attitude toward faith.  I have faith, but I limit it to those things that are almost certain to happen whether I believe they will or not.  Like the sun coming up, my children asking for $150.00 shoes, or me hurling if I chase my tequila with a vicodin.   Its not a spiritual thing with me.  I do pray though.  I like to think of it as chatting with Ted.  It usually goes something like this.

Me: Uh, lord?

God:  I told you to call me Ted.

Me:  Yeah, but it feels a little wierd.

God:  I’m god, your wierdness isn’t my problem.

Me: true.

God: so what’s up?

Me: The usual.  I’m confused about you really.

God:  Do tell?

Me:   Well, what is it you do?

God:  I’m omnipotent.

Me:  Do tell?

God:  I can do anything.

Me:  Really?  Like cure aids?  end famine? stop wars?

God:  I could do all those on a slow Tuesday.

Me: really?!?!  Then why don’t you?

God:  I gave man free will.  If you folks want it fixed…. fix it.

Me:  (thinks)  ok, so what do you do?

God:  I’m omnipotent.

Me:  But what does that entail?

God:  I created the universe in 6 days.  Then took a day off.

Me: Then what?

God:  (thinks)  I had immaculate conception with Mary, then 33 years later I gave my only begotten son that man would be saved.

Me: from what?  Saved from what?

God:  Nobody ever asked that before…I’ll ruminate on it.

Me:  Then what?

God:  Then nothing.  I’m waiting.

Me:  For what?

God:  For man to love his fellow man, for the rich to care for the poor, for the church to care for the unsaved, for all mankind to love one another.

Me:   You got hopes.

God:  Nope.  I have a hammock, a never ending six pack, and you to pick on.

Me: sounds like a good gig.

God: Works for me.

Me: no kiddin.  So just one more question?

God: shoot?

Me:  What do you think of the candidates for the 2008 election?

God:  I think I need a beer.

Me: Oh, me too.  Thanks a bunch Ted.  Can you hold my coat?