Osama Bin Laden video appears recent

  Well apparently I was wrong.  This goat humper isn’t dead after all.  He don’t look so good though.  

   His requirements for ending the war in Iraq seem entirely reasonable.  I’m thinking he has been talking to Ron Paul, and decided the guy needed a little Mohammed in his diet.  This lends the lie to Al Qaeda only fighting us because we are there,

There are two solutions to stopping it. One is from our side, and it is to escalate the fighting and killing against you. This is our duty, and our brothers are carrying it out,” bin Laden said.

“The second solution is from your side. I invite you to embrace Islam,” he said.

   Appparently Dr. Paul leaving won’t fix this.  Apparently we all have to convert to Islam Mr. Paul.  So, you first.  Embrace Islam big fella, because it’s the only way this war ends.

Sunday is for random thoughts

1.  anyone who thinks we’re not heading into an inflationary cycle hasn’t been grocery shopping lately.

2.  I only have one minor issue with Islamic Fundamentalists….they want me dead.

3.  Which is exactly the same problem I have with my Ex’s.

4.  The best way to ensure yourself a place in the kingdom of heaven is to kill your cat, and get a rabbit.

5.  Booze and drugs are just like people.  It takes years to build up a tolerance..

6.  the law and society are wrong.  Some people need their asses kicked.

7.  Don Quixote tilted at windmills…I talk to Pauliacs.

8.  a two day weekend isn’t long enough.  There is barely time to get drunk and recover from the hangover.

9.  On its two year anniversary, let me just say that Katrina is what happens to people who decide to live below sea level on the coast.  It is not the governments fault, nor my responsibility to rebuild this monument to the stupidity of some people.

10.   I would think Larry the Cable Guy were funnier if I hadn’t known so damn many of them in my life.

11.   fags and abortion, abortion and fags.  The morning news shows were back to normal. 

12.  At least twice a day I have the desire to choke someone until they turn blue, and those little bubbles start popping on their lips.  you know what I mean.  You don’t?  Then you are way to fucking tolerant.

13.  Approaching 3 moths blogging, and what I’ve learned is that the breakdown of totally incomprehensible fuckwits is about the same as in the population.  I think the difference is I don’t have to look at them while they try to sound out the words. None of them read me…more than once.

14.  I didn’t kill any millwrights today.  I wanted to, but I hate prison food.

15.  I can’t decide whether Bill Brady is dumber than Jack Reacher, but I’m working on it.

16.  I wonder if Mohammed ever fucked a sheep.

No problems here

    I keep hearing about government violating peoples rights.  It seems a bit overmuch to me that a few terrorists get their doors kicked in, and all of a sudden I should fear a gestapo attack on my neighborhood.  Not one of my neighbors (scumbags though many of them are) have been accosted by the thought police and dunked in a tub of water to find out what connections they have to osama, woody woodpecker, or the Hee Haw gang.  In light of all the privacy we willingly give up by sitting at our computers and pounding our thoughts out for the state department to sift through I don’t see what all the fuss is about.  Don’t act like you don’t know they do it.  If your intelligent, don’t act like you haven’t always known they’ve done it.   The information age is upon you, and reciting fatuous dogma isn’t going to change it, and trying to downplay terrorism as a stringent form of civil disobedience doesn’t fly either. 

   It would be nice to live in a perfect world.  in my perfect world I shall never have an islamic doctor while travelling in Britian.   I shall not hear one more story about a sex offender (ray gomez) committing his fourth offense.  I’ll never here of a second sexual offense against a child, because in my perfect little world people will find such a thing so reprehensible that they will not tolerate the individual ever seeing the light of day without a crosshatching of steelwire to look through.  Terrorists will fear being caught more than anything else because they will know deep in their little psychotic hearts that it will be beyond bad for them.  No loud music and reicitations of anti-islamic literature in my perfect world.  Nope.  psychotics would beg to be sent to abu ghraib.   I’m all for freedom of speech, but I think that freedom ends when you start killing the innocent.  BTW, Kudos to the brits.  Nice job on the turnaround time on the info.  You folks know your work.

    I know, I know  split the hare and talk about the innocents we kill. I have news for you cowpoke.  I’ve never killed an innocent in my life.  Hence my complete and utter lack of fear that government sanctioned jackboot thugs will ever kick in my door.  I think it would be really nice if the well intentioned nitwits that defend these misbegotten psychopaths were to sit and contemplate one question.  “how would I feel if my child, or wife, or husband were killed because my government didn’t try hard enough to stop these bastards?”  George,  I think you’re a chump on most issues, but thank you for taking it to these freaks.  Those who trade freedom for safety deserve niether.  I know I’ll here that from someone.  An eye for an eye you islamic freakazoid apologist.

Sunday is for random thoughts #4

1.   Doesn’t the latest terrorist failure in the British Isles make you wonder why it is that the mightiest nation on earth can’t whoop the Islamic version of the Keystone Cops?

2.   I always loved story problems in math.  This one shoud be on the SAT  If you leave los Angeles driving east at 65 MPH and another car leaves new york driving west at 65 MPH, how many licks will it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

3.  Barack Obama raised over $32 million dollars this quarter.  Proving you don’t need experience to run for president.  You just need a lot of stupid people with too much money to support you.

4.    Republicans won’t reveal their figures until this week.  Proving I suppose that The apple is faster than the abacus.

5.    these don’t seem random enough

6.   David Sedaris is the funniest homo to ever write a book.  Is homo still allowed or do I have to say heterosexually challenged individual?

7.   It’s unfortunate for Ron Paul that his supporters will not be allowed to vote hundreds of times in the primary.  Thats made him all the rage on web-based polls.  When the voting is real this guy won’t last through 5 states.

8.   In an effort to start feeding the hungry in impoverished areas of the world I intend to start promoting the cat as a viable food source on I can Haz cheeseburger.

9.  Hearing about Alli “treatment effects” senior management at Domino’s has begun a recruitment effort for the takers of this pill.  I believe its a cost cutting measure.  (don’t give me that look…I just got that off the wire…think it’ll change the taste of the pizza?)

10.   china” has begun a crackdown on political leaders that have mistresses.  Good plan.   The intent is to raise morality.  I bet it raises the divorce rate, and violence. 

11.   I wish they made an amnesia pill.  I’d take it even if it made you crap your pants.

12.  Roscoe can only see sideways.  Bet that would make driving a real bear.

13.  If your looking for work,  The government in India is looking to hire a “condom Man.”  I’m not sure if you have to be bald or not.

14.   it takes 20 hours to build a camry.  10 hours of that is painting.  It takes 164 hours to build a hummer for the military.  no painting included.

15.  if an ultra liberal and an ultra conservative had sex, what would the kid be?  It couldn’t happen.  Ultra liberals are all gay, and ultraconservatives don’t have sex.  Them not procreating is a good thing for the rest of us.  Kill off the “i’m to stupid to listen to reason gene,” maybe.

16.  I found a website that claims to contain (I didn’t check) women in my area that wish to have sex.  I’m not even going to get into the miracle of a midwestern woman that wants to have sex.  I’d just like to point out that this used to be what alcohol and badlines were used for.

17.  I just contemplated what my week at work is going to entail.  It’s the only thought that ever makes me look lovingly at the strychnine bottle.

18.  Based on what she licks my dogs favorite flavors are her butt and my chin.

19.  Ever notice that men who have daughters look older than men of comparable age that don’t?

20.  The world is an incredilby dangerous place.  That said, you are still more likely to die falling down than from all violent means combined.  I’m not sure how they score it if you fall down on a car bomb as you’re having your throat cut by a mugger.

21.  Have a good week.

rethefted

yuck.  I apologize to those of you she named.  I can do no more than that.  I’ll not honor the rest of it with any comment, but i did steal my stuff back

what these people aren’t.

Ron Paul…he isn’t a libertarian.  i could go into all the reasons why, but then you wouldn’t go to http://vote-smart.org and make up your own mind.

Ann Coulter…stupid.  She has found a niche that made her rich, and all she had to do was be nasty.  I can be nasty.  Of course I don’t have that horse-faced inbred look.

Mike Moore…a journalist.  but his new documentary sicko has enough truth in it to make it worth the view, just like all his documentaries.  Now its true I wouldn’t put him out if he was burning, but he still manages to catch my attention.

Sean Hannity…a pragmatist.  Given a chance to appeal to the decent sensibilities of intelligent people, Sean would pass and continue to preach to the choir with his nitwit vitriolic warmongering.  Face it Sean, if it wasn’t for my boy Alan (god what a geek) Colmes you’d be just another pasty faced Irish conservative talking on the radio.

George Bush…a bad guy.  You can hate him all you want.  You can think he’s stupid.  But do you really down in your heart after watching the guy think that he has ill intent?  I can see where he might be a little to easily led by the people he trusts, but I think ol George is as decent a man as has ever been president.  Remember Jimmy Carter? he was a decent guy.  shitty president.  Just like George.

Paris Hilton…she just isn’t.  Her 30 to 50 million future inheritance is real.  The cameras that chase her around are real.  The idiots that make her the star of their daily quest for titillation are real.  Turn off the camera’s though and Paris disappears…completely.

Hillary Clinton…a liberal.  Hillary Clinton is a politician par excellance.  She would bang every ungulate from here to poughkeepsie if the bestiality vote would get her made president.  Remember Bill? Stone cold liberal till he got elected.  Then he became moderate Bill pushing through the Republican agenda like no conservative president ever has.  Hillary is cut from the same cloth.  Its why they hate each other.

Al Sharpton…a man of god.   A man of god would work to bring people together under the lord.  Al Sharpton is s your typical for us by us black preacher.  Tawanda Brawley leaps to mind.  For those of you to young to remember her, she is why Al Sharpton stayed out of the Duke lacrosse team rape case.

Martha Stewart: dumb or weak.  This woman is as popular as she ever was with the middle class.  This after an insider trading scandal that made her look like a have greedily succumbing to the temptation to take advantage of her position in life.  Normally this would have her burned in effigy, instead, she’s who all the little Rachel Ray’s wanna be when they grow up.

Wolf Blitzer….a Wolf.  This boy is as sheep as it gets…. CNN has a ring in his nose and a finger up his a..   you know what I’m talking about.  This guy couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the “c” and the “t” without some exec at CNN coaching him first

that’s what they aren’t… I couldn’t begin to guess what they are.

 

Talents

    About the only difference between today and every other weekday is that for some unknown reason I did a 180 on the way to the bathroom upon rising.  This confused the hell out of mollie the mooch.  Not really knowing what to do the poor pooch did what she does when she’s confused and sat down.  Roscoe, perpetually bringing up the rear in our little love caravan failed to notice my abrupt change of direction, and failed to yield.  This created the hilarious for me, disconcerting for mollie, and intolerable for roscoe result of Mollie sitting on Roscoe’s head.  I can’t really tell you in words, but seeing a cockerpoodle with a rabbit thrashing around in its butt is a vision that every day should start with.

    On to talents.  Do you have one? Wanna share?  I do.  Have one.  I’m sharing because I didn’t feel like playing poker, and its to hot to do anything that is not incredibly sedentary.   My talent is I’m a prick.  I can annoy a person in 15 seconds or less, piss em off in under a minute, and have them in a spittle flying apopleptic rage in well under 10.

     This doesn’t pay well as talents go.  I mean, its not getting loot like a Vincent Van Gogh original, but he was dead before the cashola started to flow.  Its not drawing pay like a fortune 500 executive either, but it has good bennies.   People are always incredibly fun to watch.  They will do the damnedest things if they think no one is looking.    Mad though, upset, annoyed; then they are at their finest.

    There is really no joy in life like watching a normally calm, sane human being completely losing their cool over a few words.  I don’t do anything else.  It’s not really all that iunteractive a sport.  Just speak and watch the games begin.  The reason I’m good at it is really quite simple.  It’s easy. 

   People lack self control.  They are so used to having things go the way that they want; when faced with anything out of the ordinary they become first defensive, then offensive, and then downright assinine.  i love it.  Its better than sex with a monkey.

    There are several gambits to the game.  Its not chess mind you, but maybe conversationally instigative checkers.  My favorite is to be over nice.  I’m not sure why this one works so well, but if their is one thing folks can’t stand its someone being nice to them.  I mean real nice.  I mean ass kissing, brown nosing, sycophantically nice.  This probably only works for me because it makes people wonder whats coming.  I’m so rarely nice to anyone outside of my household that it gives people the creeps when I am.

    Another one is to agree with everything someone says, and repeat it like its wisdom from the almighty.  This one performs well at work.  Unless you work with a closet insecurity freak that acts like an egomaniac.  They love this. 

    One I used just yesterday is maybe the easiest to get the opportunity to use.  Find some pompous windbag that’s obviously overly fond of him/herself, and just make observations about their character.  Nothing extreme mind.  Just point out how insecure they seem.  That sort of thing.  I had The vindictive bastard.wordpress.com so mad i know it took a bottle of windex to clean his screen.  Tormenting the obnoxious is fun.  Tormenting the semi-literate obnoxious is what makes life worth living.

   My book how to torment others is available for the low low price of $14.95 at all your better bookstores. 

Sunday is for random thoughts

1.  I’m pretty sure the reason alcoholism is a rampant sickness in our society is because it makes human interaction almost tolerable.

2.   Albania likes us.   That being the case it makes it real easy to wonder what the hell is wrong with the rest of Europe.  My vote is jealousy.  Na na na na boo boo.  You don’t like us because you want to be us.  You want to shower more than once a week.  You want to brush your teeth.   You want to have leaders that aren’t deviants, retards, and criminals.  Well, so do we on that last one.

3.  Congress has the effrontery to tell me that I need a 700 odd mile fence on my  over 1500 mile southern border.   Ok, so build a fence to keep your dog in.   Leave several gaps in it.  does it work?  How can you not chuckle?

4.  Gun control is the one issue I think I can have an impact on so pay attention.  Get a good sight picture.  Breathe in….release the breath and squeeze (don’t pull) the trigger.  I have now done my part on one of the great issues facing our society.  Use it in good health.

5.   My dog is fat, fluffy, and lazy.  She makes me get up at odd hours to take her out to relieve herself.  She barks incessantly when i’m not home which makes the neighbors complain.   She follows me literally everywhere.  you can’t divorce your dog, but I did get rid of a wife that behaved almost exactly the same way.

6.   To all you sullen Ron Paul fans that come, read, and leave pissed off because I think he looks like Henry Gibson, or has the people skills of Elmer Fudd.  Get over it.  I’m just being a jilted fan.  His stance on imperialism is right on, but he is not as so many of you like to say….a libertarian.  Go to vote-smart. org, and read up on your diminutive dynamo.  The man is at least 7 turnips shy of a truckload.

7.  Breakfast is by far the most important meal of the day.  Today I had a cuba libre’ and some cheese popcorn.  I feel like a million bucks.  Well, like 32 bucks and some change, but thats progress.

8.   Nascar has a rain delay for the second week in a row.  Ted does not like nascar.  Ted does not like anything.  Ted is a spoiled rotten omnipotent brat, and should be excoriated in all the newspapers of the land.  Its good to be irreverant on Sunday.  Its a day of rest, and their is nothing more restful than twisting the tail of the created by man creator.

9.  Love is a four letter word that is defined   “someone else doing things exactly the way you want them to.”

I can live without it.

10.    If the French have finally realized that socialism is an invalid theory, and they have judging by the conservative landslide in their parliamentary elections, does that mean we can now put that baby to bed in Europe?  Or is the dumbest, laziest, dirtiest nation in Europe just trying to keep up with the brits?  Hard to say.  If they all start riding around naked on their bicycles we’ll have our answer.

11.   Ferrets attack more people than grizzly bears.   I know this is true because I saw it on a mountain dew commercial.

12.  My dentist wants 4 digits to work on my teeth.  Thats not so bad.  I just won’t buy gas this week.

13.    Its over.  For the 39th time in 3 days its over.  I haven’t figured out what it is yet, but I’m not defecating what looks like thick lemonade anymore, so i think its a good thing.

14.  You have just wasted 10 minutes of your day if you read all of this.   Thats assuming that if you’re reading this you have to sound out the long words, and read while moving your lips.  You should maybe do something else now.

15.   Remember….you can’t change anything.  You have no power.  Control is only an illusion, and your life is slowly spiralling into the fiery pits of hell.  Chaos will rule supreme in your existence, and life will never be as good for you as it was yesterday.  That being said, you still as a species are amusing as hell.  Please continue.

according to spellcheck I didn’t mispell anything.  Find a deep hole and pray.  Armageddon is upon us.

suck your thumb

     I try to be moderate in my viewpoints.  I also try to curtail my opinion when I disagree with something someone else does or says.  I almost never comment on other writers, because….well….a lot of them are idiots, and you don’t make any friends calling people idiot.

     Michelle Malkin….you are an idiot.  You may be cute, but you’re still an idiot.   I read one of this wenches articles today, and I came away with this utterly amazed feeling.  Not at the depth of her persuasive ability.  Not at her obvious astuteness.  i was amazed that the Washington Times actually paid this overeducated elitist to write this swill.

     Seems Michelle is a little worried that all the allah lovers are teaching their kids to kill whitey, and were teaching ours to be wussies.  Its quite true.  Thats almost exactly whats happening.  In middle America.  In the public schools of our suburbs, maybe.  The muslims do teach their children about Jihad from the time they pull em off the camels teat.  They’ve been doing it for generations.  War in the middle east is like saturday cartoons here.  They keep getting worse, and they never end.

     I guess where my problem comes in is in wondering what we should do.  Help me out Michelle.  Shall we have M-16 training in kindergarten?  Should all our politicians rattle the sabre?  Can you see Ron Paul threatening anyone? “Be vewwwy vewwy quiet….wewe hunting muswims…..hehehehehehehehe.”  

      I don’t think I want my children trained to hate anyone.  I’ll grant our schools suck.  I’d go so far as to say the government wastes almost every tax dollar they sink into the public schools.  I live in the inner city though.  All I can say is I’d pit my streetwise scumbags against the ayatollahs assholes any old day.  The kids in my neighborhood don’t lack for balls, and the kids in Michelle’s neighborhood aren’t going to fight our wars anyway. 

    So do me a favor you wafer thin sorority sister nitwit.  Move your column to the society page, or talk some sense.  

http://washingtontimes.com/commentary/mmalkin.htm   michelle’s blithering idiocy in print.

 ok, I don’t try….so what.
 

Faith, Love, and the Art of Politics

    Like Baskin Robbins, politics has a flavor of the day.  In the republican party, or rather for a fringe element of them its Ron Paul.  For the Democrats, it changes like I change socks.    For all concerned, the flavor is faith, and how sweet it is to broadcast your beliefs on all the cable network news shows.  I was watching tonight; (and I confess to ignoring most of it), the three top candidates from the democrats discussing their faith on CNN’s faith forum.

    Here I should point out that I have a lackadaisical attitude toward faith.  I have faith, but I limit it to those things that are almost certain to happen whether I believe they will or not.  Like the sun coming up, my children asking for $150.00 shoes, or me hurling if I chase my tequila with a vicodin.   Its not a spiritual thing with me.  I do pray though.  I like to think of it as chatting with Ted.  It usually goes something like this.

Me: Uh, lord?

God:  I told you to call me Ted.

Me:  Yeah, but it feels a little wierd.

God:  I’m god, your wierdness isn’t my problem.

Me: true.

God: so what’s up?

Me: The usual.  I’m confused about you really.

God:  Do tell?

Me:   Well, what is it you do?

God:  I’m omnipotent.

Me:  Do tell?

God:  I can do anything.

Me:  Really?  Like cure aids?  end famine? stop wars?

God:  I could do all those on a slow Tuesday.

Me: really?!?!  Then why don’t you?

God:  I gave man free will.  If you folks want it fixed…. fix it.

Me:  (thinks)  ok, so what do you do?

God:  I’m omnipotent.

Me:  But what does that entail?

God:  I created the universe in 6 days.  Then took a day off.

Me: Then what?

God:  (thinks)  I had immaculate conception with Mary, then 33 years later I gave my only begotten son that man would be saved.

Me: from what?  Saved from what?

God:  Nobody ever asked that before…I’ll ruminate on it.

Me:  Then what?

God:  Then nothing.  I’m waiting.

Me:  For what?

God:  For man to love his fellow man, for the rich to care for the poor, for the church to care for the unsaved, for all mankind to love one another.

Me:   You got hopes.

God:  Nope.  I have a hammock, a never ending six pack, and you to pick on.

Me: sounds like a good gig.

God: Works for me.

Me: no kiddin.  So just one more question?

God: shoot?

Me:  What do you think of the candidates for the 2008 election?

God:  I think I need a beer.

Me: Oh, me too.  Thanks a bunch Ted.  Can you hold my coat?