sunday is for random thoughts #5

1.Nothing will end a relationship quicker than talking about the relationship.

2,I talk to inanimate objects.  Half of the people that just thought “what a doofus” talk to plants, gold fish, and their spouses.

3. look, fishtracks

4. I’m older, wiser, and meaner than you.  Yeah, you have more stuff.  you win

5. text messaging is not the root of all evil, but it is the weapon of choice of idiots and knaves

6. 70 congesspersons are women, 16 senators are women, about 50 percent of the population is made up of women. The problem isn’t gone yet.

8. everyone is dysfunctional but me…I am datfunctional

9. i want world peace, and end to starvation and a cigarette.  Some of your goals should always be attainable.

10. I’m not nearly as impressed with the new 7 wonders as I was with the old ones.  Do you think thats because of online voting, or because 6 of the old 7 no longer exist?

11. the internet is not making us dumber.  It just gives more dumb people access. (more on this one later)

12. Jimmy Stewart, Idi Amin Dada, and Toulouse Lautrec’ three people i would not invite to dinner

13.  you can’t gargle with a ping pong ball in your mouth. (just to see if i get any search engine hits on this)

14.  if brains were made of cotton I know a lot of people that wouldn’t have enough  cotton to make a tampon for a termite.

15.  if everyone said what they thought I’d go to church on Sundays.

16.   If I could bring myself to believe in creationism it would be a lot easier to understand why the world is so messed up.  Was god in a union? was there a deadline? He could’ve spent several millenia just on free thought.

17.  I am stuck on bandaids, because bandaids stuck on me.  (random isn’t always that much fun is it?)

18. putrescence, sarcastic, and insipid….that covers congress for this week

19.  facetious, abstemious, and aerious.  three words that prove there are not just two words in the english language with all five vowels in their proper order

20.   nothing is ever as it seems, and everything seems different to everyone.  Add to that there is no hard “truth” outside of mathematics, and you can pretty well assume that whatever someone else is saying isn’t true for you.

21.  not tonight, i have a headache.   (see what i mean)

why do i do it?

   I don’t usually do these.  Straightforward speak isn’t a gift of mine.  i have 72,356 defense mechanisms that generally keep me from being figured out by anyone.  Except I suppose my children, because what the hell, someone always knows you.  Which isn’t the concern particularly.  what everyone should be concerned about is knowing themselves.  Unfortunately, thats not always the easiest thing in the world.

   Who are you? No, really.  Tell the truth now.  You are a product of your experiences, your intellect, and your emotions.  I’m sure there are more, but being as were all animals its probably best to keep it simple.  How you behave is on a very basic level your reaction to the combination of those three things.    Ergo, how you interact with the rest of the creatures on this planet tells a lot about you.  Bored yet?  I know, My sigmundcricket routine needs work.  thats what this is…practice makes perfect.  Lets work our way through a few practice exercises and see what falls out of your tree.  If nothing does that says nothing except that jiminy isn’t real good at pushing peoples buttons.  Apathy is a harsh mistress.

   How are your relationships with others?  Not how you see them.  How did they see you.? What are you doing?  How they saw you is irrelevant.  They looked at you through the prism of their own little troika.  See, you already messed up if you tried to look at it through their eyes.  Sorry, just funning with you.  True though.  the only way to know yourself is to take all the little skeletons out of the closet and let your mind perambulate through the bones for awhile. Go ahead.  Even if you’re a supreme whackjob you’ll be able to look in the mirror when you’re done.  Supreme whackjobs are unaware what they do is wrong.

   I personally am not so hot at relationships.  this isn’t a point of pride with me, but rather an obvious shortcoming.  I’ve been involved with what I think are wonderful women, and I somehow manage to bring out the worst in them.  I hear  “it’s not what you do, it’s what you don’t do” so many times I’ve developed a form of paralysis that makes me do less.  Not maybe the best way to handle a situation, but if you’re not pleasing your mate then you either get the hell out or change.

   Change is that jingly shit in your pocket.  I have a very limited ability to understand it as anything else.  You can either fight who you are, or you can roll over on your back and drift with the current.  This isn’t to say I’ve never made an effort to change.  It just never takes.  Mulishness leads me to believe that though I have several hundred thousand flaws, they are mine and I enjoy them, and I am keeping them.

We’re not here to talk about me though.  What is it that makes a person leap to the defense of someone they don’t know at the merest hint of a slight? What does that tell you?  I don’t know, I’m asking.  It tells me that they have a bit of a problem with insecurity, and are therefore uncommonly overprotective.  It probably tells you something else.  We don’t have common experiences is my point.  We can both go through exactly the same thing, and see the entire situation differently.  Other experiences we have cause this divergence in observation.  i know, you’re thinking this is way elementary to you.  It may well be.  Your exalted intellect has now taken the baton from your experiences, and is willing to carry the load for awhile.

   Intellect is a funny thing.  When looking at yourself it’s more important to understand what you don’t know than what you do.   There are no omnipotent intellects, and yes, that includes yours.  Ok, I’ll grudgingly add mine, but I do mean grudgingly. I know some incredibly intelligent people. Dumber than stumps.  Can’tt wipe their butt if you don’t have directions next to the toilet paper dispenser.  It’s because  they have managed through education and study to amass a burgeoning cesspool of knowledge, yet managed to cocoon themselves within their specific fields of study and failed to experience life outside that bubble.   Having a sound intellect without experience is what leads to…well, for lack of a better term….blogging.  That was just a cruel and unnecessary shot, and I apologize.  I’m sure you know what I mean here.  Without experience intellect isn’t exactly filet mignon.

   Halt you heathen bastard, I shall take no more of your troglodytic slander.  See, right there your emotion took over.  I could rattle on for hours about this one.  I could attempt to inveigle you to my way of thinking, and if I knew the right buttons to push based on your intellect and experience probably succeed.  Unfortunately, my emotions don’t allow me to get real persistent.  I’m not exactly warm and fuzzy, and I’ m not cold and heartless.  My experience and intellect have created a mixture of cynicism and naivete, and you should try lugging that cross up Golgotha.

    Ok, so none of that means anything boys and girls.  we know this because I said it.  It’s just worthless junk tossed on the trash heap of your experience.  Yep, you just experienced 7 minutes of Criminy Freud, and still don’t know yourself any better than you did when we started.  You might know me a little better, but that and $43.00 will barely get you a tripple cappucina mocha souffle at starbucks.  BTW, I know nothing about coffee.

   did I mention love?  No?  go figure.

rethefted

yuck.  I apologize to those of you she named.  I can do no more than that.  I’ll not honor the rest of it with any comment, but i did steal my stuff back

what these people aren’t.

Ron Paul…he isn’t a libertarian.  i could go into all the reasons why, but then you wouldn’t go to http://vote-smart.org and make up your own mind.

Ann Coulter…stupid.  She has found a niche that made her rich, and all she had to do was be nasty.  I can be nasty.  Of course I don’t have that horse-faced inbred look.

Mike Moore…a journalist.  but his new documentary sicko has enough truth in it to make it worth the view, just like all his documentaries.  Now its true I wouldn’t put him out if he was burning, but he still manages to catch my attention.

Sean Hannity…a pragmatist.  Given a chance to appeal to the decent sensibilities of intelligent people, Sean would pass and continue to preach to the choir with his nitwit vitriolic warmongering.  Face it Sean, if it wasn’t for my boy Alan (god what a geek) Colmes you’d be just another pasty faced Irish conservative talking on the radio.

George Bush…a bad guy.  You can hate him all you want.  You can think he’s stupid.  But do you really down in your heart after watching the guy think that he has ill intent?  I can see where he might be a little to easily led by the people he trusts, but I think ol George is as decent a man as has ever been president.  Remember Jimmy Carter? he was a decent guy.  shitty president.  Just like George.

Paris Hilton…she just isn’t.  Her 30 to 50 million future inheritance is real.  The cameras that chase her around are real.  The idiots that make her the star of their daily quest for titillation are real.  Turn off the camera’s though and Paris disappears…completely.

Hillary Clinton…a liberal.  Hillary Clinton is a politician par excellance.  She would bang every ungulate from here to poughkeepsie if the bestiality vote would get her made president.  Remember Bill? Stone cold liberal till he got elected.  Then he became moderate Bill pushing through the Republican agenda like no conservative president ever has.  Hillary is cut from the same cloth.  Its why they hate each other.

Al Sharpton…a man of god.   A man of god would work to bring people together under the lord.  Al Sharpton is s your typical for us by us black preacher.  Tawanda Brawley leaps to mind.  For those of you to young to remember her, she is why Al Sharpton stayed out of the Duke lacrosse team rape case.

Martha Stewart: dumb or weak.  This woman is as popular as she ever was with the middle class.  This after an insider trading scandal that made her look like a have greedily succumbing to the temptation to take advantage of her position in life.  Normally this would have her burned in effigy, instead, she’s who all the little Rachel Ray’s wanna be when they grow up.

Wolf Blitzer….a Wolf.  This boy is as sheep as it gets…. CNN has a ring in his nose and a finger up his a..   you know what I’m talking about.  This guy couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the “c” and the “t” without some exec at CNN coaching him first

that’s what they aren’t… I couldn’t begin to guess what they are.

 

Talents

    About the only difference between today and every other weekday is that for some unknown reason I did a 180 on the way to the bathroom upon rising.  This confused the hell out of mollie the mooch.  Not really knowing what to do the poor pooch did what she does when she’s confused and sat down.  Roscoe, perpetually bringing up the rear in our little love caravan failed to notice my abrupt change of direction, and failed to yield.  This created the hilarious for me, disconcerting for mollie, and intolerable for roscoe result of Mollie sitting on Roscoe’s head.  I can’t really tell you in words, but seeing a cockerpoodle with a rabbit thrashing around in its butt is a vision that every day should start with.

    On to talents.  Do you have one? Wanna share?  I do.  Have one.  I’m sharing because I didn’t feel like playing poker, and its to hot to do anything that is not incredibly sedentary.   My talent is I’m a prick.  I can annoy a person in 15 seconds or less, piss em off in under a minute, and have them in a spittle flying apopleptic rage in well under 10.

     This doesn’t pay well as talents go.  I mean, its not getting loot like a Vincent Van Gogh original, but he was dead before the cashola started to flow.  Its not drawing pay like a fortune 500 executive either, but it has good bennies.   People are always incredibly fun to watch.  They will do the damnedest things if they think no one is looking.    Mad though, upset, annoyed; then they are at their finest.

    There is really no joy in life like watching a normally calm, sane human being completely losing their cool over a few words.  I don’t do anything else.  It’s not really all that iunteractive a sport.  Just speak and watch the games begin.  The reason I’m good at it is really quite simple.  It’s easy. 

   People lack self control.  They are so used to having things go the way that they want; when faced with anything out of the ordinary they become first defensive, then offensive, and then downright assinine.  i love it.  Its better than sex with a monkey.

    There are several gambits to the game.  Its not chess mind you, but maybe conversationally instigative checkers.  My favorite is to be over nice.  I’m not sure why this one works so well, but if their is one thing folks can’t stand its someone being nice to them.  I mean real nice.  I mean ass kissing, brown nosing, sycophantically nice.  This probably only works for me because it makes people wonder whats coming.  I’m so rarely nice to anyone outside of my household that it gives people the creeps when I am.

    Another one is to agree with everything someone says, and repeat it like its wisdom from the almighty.  This one performs well at work.  Unless you work with a closet insecurity freak that acts like an egomaniac.  They love this. 

    One I used just yesterday is maybe the easiest to get the opportunity to use.  Find some pompous windbag that’s obviously overly fond of him/herself, and just make observations about their character.  Nothing extreme mind.  Just point out how insecure they seem.  That sort of thing.  I had The vindictive bastard.wordpress.com so mad i know it took a bottle of windex to clean his screen.  Tormenting the obnoxious is fun.  Tormenting the semi-literate obnoxious is what makes life worth living.

   My book how to torment others is available for the low low price of $14.95 at all your better bookstores. 

Sunday is for random thoughts

1.  I’m pretty sure the reason alcoholism is a rampant sickness in our society is because it makes human interaction almost tolerable.

2.   Albania likes us.   That being the case it makes it real easy to wonder what the hell is wrong with the rest of Europe.  My vote is jealousy.  Na na na na boo boo.  You don’t like us because you want to be us.  You want to shower more than once a week.  You want to brush your teeth.   You want to have leaders that aren’t deviants, retards, and criminals.  Well, so do we on that last one.

3.  Congress has the effrontery to tell me that I need a 700 odd mile fence on my  over 1500 mile southern border.   Ok, so build a fence to keep your dog in.   Leave several gaps in it.  does it work?  How can you not chuckle?

4.  Gun control is the one issue I think I can have an impact on so pay attention.  Get a good sight picture.  Breathe in….release the breath and squeeze (don’t pull) the trigger.  I have now done my part on one of the great issues facing our society.  Use it in good health.

5.   My dog is fat, fluffy, and lazy.  She makes me get up at odd hours to take her out to relieve herself.  She barks incessantly when i’m not home which makes the neighbors complain.   She follows me literally everywhere.  you can’t divorce your dog, but I did get rid of a wife that behaved almost exactly the same way.

6.   To all you sullen Ron Paul fans that come, read, and leave pissed off because I think he looks like Henry Gibson, or has the people skills of Elmer Fudd.  Get over it.  I’m just being a jilted fan.  His stance on imperialism is right on, but he is not as so many of you like to say….a libertarian.  Go to vote-smart. org, and read up on your diminutive dynamo.  The man is at least 7 turnips shy of a truckload.

7.  Breakfast is by far the most important meal of the day.  Today I had a cuba libre’ and some cheese popcorn.  I feel like a million bucks.  Well, like 32 bucks and some change, but thats progress.

8.   Nascar has a rain delay for the second week in a row.  Ted does not like nascar.  Ted does not like anything.  Ted is a spoiled rotten omnipotent brat, and should be excoriated in all the newspapers of the land.  Its good to be irreverant on Sunday.  Its a day of rest, and their is nothing more restful than twisting the tail of the created by man creator.

9.  Love is a four letter word that is defined   “someone else doing things exactly the way you want them to.”

I can live without it.

10.    If the French have finally realized that socialism is an invalid theory, and they have judging by the conservative landslide in their parliamentary elections, does that mean we can now put that baby to bed in Europe?  Or is the dumbest, laziest, dirtiest nation in Europe just trying to keep up with the brits?  Hard to say.  If they all start riding around naked on their bicycles we’ll have our answer.

11.   Ferrets attack more people than grizzly bears.   I know this is true because I saw it on a mountain dew commercial.

12.  My dentist wants 4 digits to work on my teeth.  Thats not so bad.  I just won’t buy gas this week.

13.    Its over.  For the 39th time in 3 days its over.  I haven’t figured out what it is yet, but I’m not defecating what looks like thick lemonade anymore, so i think its a good thing.

14.  You have just wasted 10 minutes of your day if you read all of this.   Thats assuming that if you’re reading this you have to sound out the long words, and read while moving your lips.  You should maybe do something else now.

15.   Remember….you can’t change anything.  You have no power.  Control is only an illusion, and your life is slowly spiralling into the fiery pits of hell.  Chaos will rule supreme in your existence, and life will never be as good for you as it was yesterday.  That being said, you still as a species are amusing as hell.  Please continue.

according to spellcheck I didn’t mispell anything.  Find a deep hole and pray.  Armageddon is upon us.

suck your thumb

     I try to be moderate in my viewpoints.  I also try to curtail my opinion when I disagree with something someone else does or says.  I almost never comment on other writers, because….well….a lot of them are idiots, and you don’t make any friends calling people idiot.

     Michelle Malkin….you are an idiot.  You may be cute, but you’re still an idiot.   I read one of this wenches articles today, and I came away with this utterly amazed feeling.  Not at the depth of her persuasive ability.  Not at her obvious astuteness.  i was amazed that the Washington Times actually paid this overeducated elitist to write this swill.

     Seems Michelle is a little worried that all the allah lovers are teaching their kids to kill whitey, and were teaching ours to be wussies.  Its quite true.  Thats almost exactly whats happening.  In middle America.  In the public schools of our suburbs, maybe.  The muslims do teach their children about Jihad from the time they pull em off the camels teat.  They’ve been doing it for generations.  War in the middle east is like saturday cartoons here.  They keep getting worse, and they never end.

     I guess where my problem comes in is in wondering what we should do.  Help me out Michelle.  Shall we have M-16 training in kindergarten?  Should all our politicians rattle the sabre?  Can you see Ron Paul threatening anyone? “Be vewwwy vewwy quiet….wewe hunting muswims…..hehehehehehehehe.”  

      I don’t think I want my children trained to hate anyone.  I’ll grant our schools suck.  I’d go so far as to say the government wastes almost every tax dollar they sink into the public schools.  I live in the inner city though.  All I can say is I’d pit my streetwise scumbags against the ayatollahs assholes any old day.  The kids in my neighborhood don’t lack for balls, and the kids in Michelle’s neighborhood aren’t going to fight our wars anyway. 

    So do me a favor you wafer thin sorority sister nitwit.  Move your column to the society page, or talk some sense.  

http://washingtontimes.com/commentary/mmalkin.htm   michelle’s blithering idiocy in print.

 ok, I don’t try….so what.
 

Faith, Love, and the Art of Politics

    Like Baskin Robbins, politics has a flavor of the day.  In the republican party, or rather for a fringe element of them its Ron Paul.  For the Democrats, it changes like I change socks.    For all concerned, the flavor is faith, and how sweet it is to broadcast your beliefs on all the cable network news shows.  I was watching tonight; (and I confess to ignoring most of it), the three top candidates from the democrats discussing their faith on CNN’s faith forum.

    Here I should point out that I have a lackadaisical attitude toward faith.  I have faith, but I limit it to those things that are almost certain to happen whether I believe they will or not.  Like the sun coming up, my children asking for $150.00 shoes, or me hurling if I chase my tequila with a vicodin.   Its not a spiritual thing with me.  I do pray though.  I like to think of it as chatting with Ted.  It usually goes something like this.

Me: Uh, lord?

God:  I told you to call me Ted.

Me:  Yeah, but it feels a little wierd.

God:  I’m god, your wierdness isn’t my problem.

Me: true.

God: so what’s up?

Me: The usual.  I’m confused about you really.

God:  Do tell?

Me:   Well, what is it you do?

God:  I’m omnipotent.

Me:  Do tell?

God:  I can do anything.

Me:  Really?  Like cure aids?  end famine? stop wars?

God:  I could do all those on a slow Tuesday.

Me: really?!?!  Then why don’t you?

God:  I gave man free will.  If you folks want it fixed…. fix it.

Me:  (thinks)  ok, so what do you do?

God:  I’m omnipotent.

Me:  But what does that entail?

God:  I created the universe in 6 days.  Then took a day off.

Me: Then what?

God:  (thinks)  I had immaculate conception with Mary, then 33 years later I gave my only begotten son that man would be saved.

Me: from what?  Saved from what?

God:  Nobody ever asked that before…I’ll ruminate on it.

Me:  Then what?

God:  Then nothing.  I’m waiting.

Me:  For what?

God:  For man to love his fellow man, for the rich to care for the poor, for the church to care for the unsaved, for all mankind to love one another.

Me:   You got hopes.

God:  Nope.  I have a hammock, a never ending six pack, and you to pick on.

Me: sounds like a good gig.

God: Works for me.

Me: no kiddin.  So just one more question?

God: shoot?

Me:  What do you think of the candidates for the 2008 election?

God:  I think I need a beer.

Me: Oh, me too.  Thanks a bunch Ted.  Can you hold my coat?