More Sex in the News

  I’m going to lead off with this story because it is hilarious, sinister, and provocative.  Plus, it involves a short skirt and a sleek blonde.

and now we’ll remove some of the duds for this wonderfully ironic story about Vanessa Hudgens, who plays Gabriella in Disney’s “high School Musical”

Poor Pang.  For our adultery, death sentence, and multiple mitresses story we go to China.  These wives seem to have become upset over the death sentences handed their husbands, so they denounced their …concubine keeper?  Funny stuff.

in the tawdry affair section….so you’re the defendant…how would you feel if the prosecutor was creating the beast with two backs with the judge?  This here is just plain wrong, but apparently they are getting their comeuppance.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070908/ap_on_fe_st/courtroom_affair;_ylt=AnVziJyXDTdrlR8lxbDord4Z.3QA

In the “I thought I was catholic story we have this scumbag teacher in Ireland cruising kiddie porn…pretty nice international job of punching his sex registry ticket

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/northern_ireland/6983750.stm

DAMNIT…Britney is going to wear panties…like I care, but some of you might so here’s the scoop on Britney…lingerie model…it’s from pop tarts

if you haven’t figured it out, my link thingie is messin up.

no gay story or animal sex story so I fug this out of the ancient archives…killing to birds with one bone so to speak.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15750604/

I Can Haz Cat Nuggets?

How funny. Suddenly my blog is being visited by the cat folk. You know who I’m talking about. The walleyed, semi-literate set that frequents I can haz cheezeburger. Its our equivalent of the animal section at hallmark cards. I know why they come here. It’s a masochistic desire to learn about their sickness. In our society its not enough to know that you’re sick. You have to know what other people think about your disease.  Before I start this I’d like to slip this link in.  The wiseasses over at Ration Reality did this a couple of days ago, and since you are cat folk, and I’m the sort that believes in feeding a habit,  kitty pictures linked to my posts.  I haven’t retaliated, so if anyone has a suggestion other than “kiss my ass” slip me a comment.  Go ahead you catheads, have a look then read on.

So in an effort to quash the unwanted visitation of what I can only assume are lesser life forms I will try my hardest to explain it again. You like cats. That’s right. That’s the genesis of your disease. Instead of using them as god intended you pamper them, and house them, and let them kiss your mouth. Have you ever watched a cat lick its balls? Or its rectum? Did he brush his teeth when he was done? No. He kissed you. He licked you on your now cats butt infested mouth.

It’s okay though. You’re not likely to die from letting a cat lick your face after he washes his bottom. Nor from allowing the scurvy little buggers to spray your house down every time they go into heat. Nor from them sharpening their claws on grandmas Chippendale chair. You will of course be pitied by members of society that understand the proper place of a cat. Next to the green beans. On a plate.

I can probably help you though you troglodytic cretins. Maybe you’re just ignorant. Maybe you just don’t know any better. If thats the case the following will help you out. I’ve listed several acceptable uses for cats/kittens that may help you stop prostating yourself before the feline demons.

1. With just a little duct tape.a kitten makes a great croquet ball.

2. Drivers education. Take your child out driving and award points for cats and kittens. If he gets a hat trick buy him a pizza.

3. one word    souffle’

4. writing a thesis paper. Its alleged that cats always land on their feet. Toss one off the hoover dam. Write about the results.

5. Fetch. Any dog can get a ball and bring it back to you. Toss a kitten. It will help keep your dog healthy.

6. Pull. Cats make great clay pigeons. You can’t use a normal trap thrower, but if you grab it by its tail and throw it like a discus they spin perfectly, and make a fine red mist when hit making it easy to keep score.

7. pinatas. rubber cement candy to your cat and hang him from the tree for your child’s birthday party. Not only do the children get rewarded when they hit it, but it makes an awful racket, saving you money on noisemakers.

8. slippers   this one is self explanatory. just hollow out the rotten little craphead and slip in your feet. nothing like warm fresh kitty slippers.

9. tired of kids running across your lawn? Kill a cat and put it on a stick. Works much better than a scarecrow for birds too.

10. dusting. Again, obvious. If you’re gonna let the little beast get furballs on your carpet its a tradeoff that you use him to dust the furniture. Besides, a healthy dose of pledge will cover its stench.

Now knowing as I do that merely by hanging out with a cat you have proven just how dumb you are I can’t see you taking my advice. Its ok. Just go clean out that stinking cat-box you servant.

sunday is for random thoughts 8.5

1. The only thing you can’t find on youtube is a republican debate

2. whether you’re a professor or a gardener, I think letting your kid get cooked in a car is a bad thing, and probably should be punished

3.  I’ve never met a stripper I didn’t like, but I don’t loan them money

4.  Leonard Nimoy is going to play spock again.  I think thats cool.  An old really strange guy not working as a walmart greeter.

5.   a coelacanth won’t do anything but swim in a brook, he can’t write his name or read a book… would you like to swing on a star would’ve been a much different song had it been written 360 million years ago

hell its a Bing song, and i’m bored…here you go…gratuitously stolen from some other website…What that is called boys and girls is confessing to a crime.

Would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a mule

A mule is an animal with long funny ears
he kicks up at anything he hears
His back is brawny but his brain is weak
he’s just plain stupid with a stubborn streak
and by the way if you hate to go to school
You may grow up to be a mule

Oh would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a pig

A pig is an animal with dirt on his face
his shoes are a terrible disgrace
He has no manners when he eats his food
He’s fat and lazy and extremely rude
But if you don’t care a feather or a fig
you may grow up to be a pig

Oh would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a fish

A fish won’t do anything but swim in a brook
he can’t write his name or read a book
to fool the people is his only thought
and though he’s slippery he still gets caught
but if then that sort of life is what you wish
you may grow up to be a fish
(music)
a new kind of jumped up slippery fish

And all the monkeys aren’t in the zoo
everyday you see quite a few
so you see it’s all up to you,
you could be better than you are
you could be swinging on a star

5.  You bone strokers better read that.  I could be incarcerated for it.

6.  Dogs are way better than cats.  Why?  It’s simple really.  Because I said so.

7.  I feed my pets.  My children have to fend for themselves.  Thats what opposable thumbs will get you.

8.  speaking of opposable thumbs…can I trade mine for a prehensile tail? It looks funner

9.  Roscoe has overcome his aversion to tile floors.  It is funnier than hell to see a rabbit walking like a cat, but not so funny to feel his furry little ass scootching across my feet as I’m shaving in the morning.

10.  We are going to have a democratic president.  This president will be a woman.   I’m ok with it.  Let a woman screw things up for awhile.  They lie better, and I’m far to jaded to fall for just any old bullshit.

11.   glass is a solid.  I just said that because one group of people I’m almost certain I’ve never pissed off is the “glass is a liquid” crowd.  This is what 44 years of pissing people off will get you. 

12.  Male praying mantids don’t masturbate.  You see what it gets them?  For those of you who don’t know the female praying mantis tends to chow on the male after sex.  The human version of this is called “alimony.”

13.  I am in pool number 20 of jurors for marion superior court.  I think the best way for me to get out of it is to have them punch up criminyjicket on their computers.  I’m not trying to evade my civic duty, although I have no idea why they call it that…a civic is a honda right?  What I’m trying to do is make sure some poor schmo doesn’t get the chair for jaywalking.  i can be persuasive when I want to be.

14.  I don’t care what else you do this millenia, but at some point you should go check out Anita’s sunday prayers.  She is probably the only thing keeping god from tormenting me 24/7.

15.  I am now going to bed…no…you may not come along…I am tired, and explaining the birds and the bees to you is beyond my ability at this time…enjoy your week…or not…as you see fit…being pissy about everything causes hair to grow on your toenails, and nobody wants to hang out with a hobbit

the term is blithering idiots

  and i have spent my day inundated with them.  A veritable cornucopia of nitwits, knaves, and thieves is what I have spent my day with.

so I came here.  It should be so much better.

What did Uncle Sam do for you this week?  Well, for whatever reason he thinks he did $427.00 worth for me.  I’m trying to calculate what that is.  There wasn’t a quarter pound of decent bud in the mailbox from congress, and I know those burnouts get the good stuff.  George didn’t send me tickets to see cirque du soleil and a gift card for Ruth chris.  The roads suck, the schools suck, the health care sucks, and anything the government touches sucks so what the hell are they doing with my money?  I didn’t include the state, the medicare, the local, or any of the other gimmee your moneys, just the federal.  It’s hard not to want Ron Paul for president to be honest.  Just for the alleged tax decrease.

then I went to the bank.  What is in the mind of young women?  Do they really think flirting with someone old enough to be their dad is professional behaviour?  And why the hell do they try to count when they lack a talent for the art, and the damn number comes right up on their little cash register anyway?  Here’s a tip to CSR’s.  Be polite.  Do your job.  Shut the hell up.  I’m not interested in anything you have to say.  If I want conversation I’ll wander over to O’malley’s and buy a round.

   Bills bills  bills.  I really don’t mind this.  I do it every couple of months whether they send a reminder or not. I don’t have any truly extraneous ones, except of course  from rentasasquatch.com.  As sex toys go they aren’t bad, and they make a decent maid if you don’t want fine detail work accomplished. 

The dumb kid question of the day: Dad, can I have $200.00?  the dumb dad question of the day “for what?”   “I need some shoes”     “No”  The reason my question was dumb is because unless he found a way to stop world hunger with $200.00 he wasn’t getting it.  He has set a new standard in lazy this summer, and I’m a little worn with it.  Hookers and politicians show more ambition to work than this child that thinks he’s a man.  His excuse is a good one.  “I don’t want to work. I’m 17.  It’s my last summer off.”  I’d fall for it, but if i do he’ll end up saying “I’m 27, it’s my last summer off” someday.

    Roscoe pulled an okie doke on me.  I couldn’t find him when I got home.  My first thought was “oh no, my porn.”  Er, erotica.  Then I remembered its online, and i went phew.  Then I started looking.  I checked the places I hoped he’d be first.  He wasn’t on a plate on the table with greens, he wasn’t in the freezer, and he wasn’t in a pan on the stove.  Hopes dashed, I continued to seek the furbag for about 20 minutes.  When I left this morning I hung the towel on the hook on the bathroom door as always.  Gravity, as always dashed my wishes, and Roscoe decided under that towel was a great place for a nice quiet nap.  He has to nap during the day.  If he doesn’t he will fail to wake me up every hour on the hour just to see what’s up.  At least I hope thats why he slams his head into my resting place.  He could be testing the structural integrity.  One of these days it will collapse and i will become a love toy for a lagomorph.

The neighbor.  I despise him like I despise sweaty testicles, pauliacs, and chihuahua’s.  His ignorant bald  lazy ass has something to say everytime I drive up.  Today it was your dog was barking with a scowl on his face, and an insolent tone in his voice.  I finally decided to hell with it.  I walked around the fence and I proceeded to beat the holy living shit out of him.  Once I finally beat him onto the ground I commenced kicking him in every vital organ i could think of…ok, I didn’t, but while he yammered on about the trauma caused by my dogs five minutes of barking I did visualize that scenario.

I ended up just ignoring his dumb ass and walked into the house.  I haven’t mentioned work.  The reason for that is i might not maintain anything that resembles sanity if i write about it.

so how was your day?

A Love(lust) Story

   I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something tense going on last night.   Like something was about to happen, and how I handled it would be a watershed moment in a new relationship. Even mollie could tell something was strange, based on the nervous way she was wandering about the house.  I could not get her to calm down, and everytime someone came to the door she would bark.  Mollie almost never barks when I’m home, so it was giving me a little case of the nerves.

    I decided to lie down on the couch, and watch some TV.  I was taking my shoes off and the phone rang.  I answered, even though I didn’t recognize the number.  Usually, thats a no no. I generally have no desire to speak to people I don’t know, and never give my number out to strangers.  The call wasn’t important, but Roscoe took that opportunity to come over and give my ankle its evening hug.  Except this time the little pervert sank his teeth into my shinbone, and began humping my ankle like a 5 pound furry jackhammer.

    Needless to say I was stunned with the ferocity of his attack.  I’d heard the expression “fuck like bunnies,” but always assumed that had to do with their exceptional rate of procreation.  This wasn’t a ferocious form of hug either.  He was obviously humping, and a former girlfriend explained to me once that animals in the wild often bite the neck of the creature they are mating with.   Yeah, she was a bit of a freak. The teeny tiny hard rabbit penis was also a clue.

   Anyway, I peeled the furry little ankle raper off my leg, and flipped em onto the couch.  Roscoe started pacing, and occassionally stopped to place his front paws up on the couch and stare at my feet with that “yeah, I got me some of that” look.  disconcerting it was, but not scary or anything.  I’d never had my ankle violated before, but he is after all a fucking bunny, and can easily be transformed into glove linings and a bowl of stew.

     I reached up and turned off the lamp, the little lagomorph Lothario struck again.  This time he leapt onto the couch, and began ravaging my shin.  I snatched him off and placed him back on the floor.  Rabbits are not cats.  You can’t bounce them off the wall just because they deserve it.  Rabbits are fragile.  I don’t care how hopped up on honey nut cheerios and testosterone they are.  We repeated ths sequence three times before I’d had enough of his amorous advances.

    I rose from my perch on the couch, and did that which I have never done to him before.  I locked him in his cage.  Normally it is there for him to go crap in, and to eat and drink in.  I felt 4 sexual assaults we’re enough to warrant some form of incarceration (pretty much just like our judicial system in that regard).  I returned to the ocuch and spent the next hour listening to him stomp around his cage, and growl like some miniature bobcat or something.  Apparently horniness makes rabbits act rabid.

    I’m not sure what got into him.  Whether it was a full moon (again, former girlfriends have been affected much like Mr. Roscoe was acting by the phases of the moon), he was just randy, or if the yogurt treats I gave him work like an aphrodisiac.  What I do know is if that little shit whistles at me when I walk in the door his ass is staying in solitary confinement until hell freezes over.

sunday is for random thoughts #3

1.  Imagine my chagrin when I started to listen to classical music and found out it was played on all my favorite cartoons.

2.  Horse tastes a lot like cow.

3.  We should ban all hunting.  it is much more fun to watch animals die of starvation and disease caused by overpopulation.

4.  I wish the government would let me pick what to spend the 1 out of 3 dollars of my earnings that they snatch from me on.  I’d buy a bomb for fallujah.

5.     Droopy, woody woodpecker, and atom ant could so kick sponge bob’s, dexter’s, and chuckie’s asses.

6.    If you treat everyone the way they treat you, you will spend a lot of time alone.

7.  The blog definition of troll is “someone who doesn’t agree with every idiotic thing you think.”

8.  80 American soldiers have died in Iraq in June.  I have no idea how many have died in car accidents, in gun violence, in domestic situations, of diabetes, of cancer, of cirrhosis, of suicide, of drug overdoses, of neglect, of starvation, in work related accidents, or simply by falling.  While all of these are certainly higher numbers, no news organization see’s fit to give me a daily count.

9.    John Stewart and Stephen Colebert have exactly the same reasons to lie to us a Wolf Blitzer and Storm Davis.  They get paid based on popularity.

10.   Cynicism is the commingling of intellect and experience.  If you aren’t cynical you lack one or the other.

11.   Never loan someone money.  If you care enough to loan it to them give it to them.  It saves a lot of frustration.

12.   A loyal dog is a better companion than a disloyal mate.

13.   I’m not sure what that is, but I have an incredible desire to dip my scrotum in it.

14.   If you took the collective good deeds of all the candidates for president and put them in a pile, and then took the net worth of the same group….which would you rather leave to your children?

15.  You have it real good if you’re one of the millions that spend time at work doing non-work oriented things on your computer.  Any reasonable boss would fire you.

16.   You will sometime in the future be lied to by a friend, cheated on by a mate, disrespected by your progeny, or abused or neglected by those who are responsible for your care.  Ain’t life a bitch?

17.   working hard is not half as prosperous as screwing people over, but you can look at yourself in the mirror without saying “damn I’m good.”

18.  Don’t be so angry, so hurt, so despondent.  Doin’t let others change how you see yourself. Don’t join the herd of lemmings you see crossing before you, and never doubt your ability to make a difference.  Now get the hell out of here.  I’m out of random thoughts for today.

postscript:  don’t forget to contact your congresman at  

http://blog.aflcio.org/   Ron Paul and most other conservatives voted against it, meaning it has to be good for working americans.